FamilyLife Today®

Kia Stephens: I fly and go and pick my dad up. Tears are streaming down his face. He says, "I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life."

I sat there just stunned because I saw the remorse. My response could have been, "You're exactly right." But what I said was, "It's okay, Dad. We all have things we have to work through."

Dave Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today®, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I'm Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today®.

Dave Wilson: Today we're talking about something I was thinking about. Most people are walking around with this little thing they're carrying and they don't even know they're carrying it, but it's a weight.

Ann Wilson: I see it as not just a weight. I see it as a wound that's open, and we're sick inside. We don't even know what normal feels like.

Dave Wilson: Our listeners are like, "What in the world are you talking about? Can you name this wound?" It's actually called the father wound. Kia Stephens is back with us. She was with us yesterday talking about her book, *Overcoming Father Wounds*. Kia, welcome back.

Kia Stephens: It's great to be back with you talking about such an upbeat topic. No, I'm really excited about this because most of us, I would guess, are walking around with wounds.

Ann Wilson: I had a great dad. He was present.

Dave Wilson: He was a good man.

Ann Wilson: He was a really good man. He was not a believer for years and years, and we had hard conversations about this. I would get mad, he would get mad, but I still had a wound, but at least we could talk about the wound. A lot of us, like you had said yesterday, your dad wasn't able to receive the words that you were saying or even you couldn't have the relationship you longed for. I think that's true for a lot of people.

Dave Wilson: Let's start here. How would a person know if they have it? Can you define it or help us understand what it is?

Kia Stephens: One in three children grow up with father wounds. Father wounds are synonymous with father absenteeism. We know that a father can be absent for a myriad of reasons: divorce, abandonment, abuse, incarceration, drug addiction, or alcoholism, as it was in my case.

It could even be working too much. A physically present father, but emotionally absent. If you're listening and you're seeing one of those qualifiers, and there are additional ones, then you may in fact have a father wound.

In my research, I read a book by Dr. Charles Whitfield. He listed several needs that need to be met in a child's life: love, attention, validation, acceptance, trust, affirmation, safety, and security. These are some needs that you need to grow up with that secure attachment style that we were talking about.

There are some needs I believe that the father specifically provides. Naturally, we think about these gender roles of the mother as the nurturer, but the father provides security. The father affirms the femininity of the daughter. If the father is not in the home to do those things, then the daughter is left to do it for herself, often with costly results.

Statistics show daughters who grow up without a father in the home are more likely to have a teenage pregnancy, experiment with drugs and alcohol, and risky behavior or get involved in crime. I would venture to say that if we examine the lives of prisoners, how many of them did not have a father?

Ann Wilson: As you were saying all those statistics, I was recalling being eight years old. I went in the room and my dad always kissed me goodnight. I remember saying as an eight-year-old, "Maybe I'm too old to do this now." My dad said, "Maybe you are." It was the last time he ever hugged or kissed me.

I remember I went to bed that night and I had this void. I wished I wouldn't have said that, and I hoped he still would. But he didn't know at that point I had already had a lot of sexual abuse in my background. His hugs, his kiss at night, which was just totally appropriate and beautiful, were the only times I had affection that was not distorted.

I'm thinking of the fathers who, even as their girls become teenagers and you're in that awkward stage because she's becoming a woman, let me just say she needs your appropriate physical touch and affection. I went on and was so promiscuous. You talk about this in the book, of even some of the signs of possible father wounds and our needs not being met. Dads, your little girls need this from you in an appropriate way.

Kia Stephens: I actually read a book, *Bringing Up Girls* by Dr. James Dobson. He talks about that awkwardness and fathers not wanting to touch their daughters or hug their daughters because they are starting to look like a woman. There's a little bit of discomfort with that.

That is the time, more so than when they're little. Do it when they're little, but when they are teenagers and they're developing and they're turning to the opposite sex to define them and to give them the value and the affirmation, when a daughter has received that from her father and she gets a subpar comment or statement from a male, she can easily say, "I don't need it. My dad already told me who I am. I already know that I'm beautiful. I already know that I'm confident."

Dave Wilson: It's like you're driving your car and you've got a full gas tank. You drive by a gas station and you don't stop. But when you're almost on empty, you're pulling in and you get in trouble. Boys need it from their dad too. Not just daughters. A hug, affection in an appropriate way, a look that says, "I believe in you and I see you and you've got what it takes."

Kia Stephens: Right, that's right. Life is how life is, and families are not perfect. These parents or parental figures that we've set on pedestals because we love them, they are our parents, we see no flaws. When you get old enough, you can say, "My dad was a great provider, but he was not affectionate."

My dad was affectionate but he wasn't attentive and he didn't come to that volleyball game. Or my dad was a leader in church but he was absent when he came home. He watched TV all day. He never asked me about my day. Or my dad had an affair. Or my dad hit my mom, or he called her a name.

For the most of the time he was even, but every now and then, he would get upset and fly off at the handle. He never hit anybody, he never cursed, but it scared me because I'm sensitive. When you get older, you're able to look at it holistically and with balance and say this is true, but this is also true and this is how it has impacted me in my life.

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How did you heal? I know we're all still on our journey, but you've gotten some closure.

Kia Stephens: I have gotten some closure, and then there are some more things that opened up. When you're writing a book, right before you birth the book baby, I was like, "I don't even know why I'm writing this book in the first place. I don't know if I believe this anymore."

A friend of mine pointed out that the title says "Overcoming." The "-ing" is present progressive. It means it's happening right now. I'm in the process of overcoming. It's not a period. I want to preface anything I say from this point forward with the fact that "-ing" is present progressive.

I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not far enough or I'm just starting out or I'm too far gone or there's nothing God can do with me. If you've identified that you have trust wounds, love wounds, affirmation wounds, and security wounds, I'm completely jacked up, there's nothing that God can do with me, I want to bring you back to the "-ing."

I'm still in an "-ing" state. Some of the tools I've used, definitely that forgiveness letter was really powerful for me, along with prayer and counseling. There's something to be said about having someone who is clinically trained that is outside of your circle of friends and they're paid to keep your information confidential that can provide insight into your life.

Counseling is about $150 a session, so that may be overwhelming. I would say start with your church. I actually did that with my church. Fortunately, my church had a program called "Renew." It's not available to the public, but it is a merge of psychology and Christianity, which I think is so needed.

You look at things like your traumatic childhood experiences and you look at your wounds, your family of origin. Then you begin to trek through your dominant thoughts. You do a process called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where you identify the thoughts that are driving your behavior.

The natural tendency is to say, "I am going to change my behavior." You can't do that. You have to change your thoughts, and then your thoughts will automatically change your behavior. But we can't change our own thoughts because we're not God. You have to turn to the Word of God. I'm thinking about Romans chapter 12, verse 2: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

You renew your mind with the Word of God. The blend of the cognitive therapy and the Word of God is identifying what is the dominant thought that is driving this behavior? "I must perform to feel loved." "I must be told that I'm pretty to feel beautiful." "I must drive the relationships in order to feel important and feel loved."

Just identifying those apart from the Word of God might not be enough because they can sound like truth. That's where you need the Bible. That's where you need to pray and spend time with the Lord. The Holy Spirit is a wonderful counselor, and He will say that's not true over time. Year one, that's not true. Year two, that's not true. Year three, that's not true. Year four, that's not true. Year five, you're like, "I think that's not true."

That's how it's been for me, but it's been a rollercoaster where you see growth and change, then you go back around the wheel and you're like, "Have I changed at all?"

Ann Wilson: It's so funny you say that. I was talking to a woman not too long ago about healing from sexual abuse. I said healing because the first time I really dug down deep, I thought, "There it is. I'm free, I'm done."

Then it resurfaced and I thought, "What is this, Lord? I thought this was done. I gave it to you. I thought you healed it." I feel like He's so gracious in giving us pieces of it that we can stomach because we can't handle all of it at once. It's too much. That's why when we get married, new things arise. When we have kids, something arises. God just continues to be so gracious in His healing.

Kia Stephens: It's so true. When you're talking, that brings to mind my favorite scripture, Philippians 1:6, that says, "Being confident in this, that he who has begun a great work shall be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

As long as we're on that continuum, if I'm not where I'm supposed to be or if I haven't gotten to where I want to be emotionally and mentally, it's okay. I'm tracking towards perfection. I will be perfected. I thought that too. I'm a check-it-off-the-box type of person. Healing, boom, we got that. Praise God. Okay, what's next? What are we having for dinner?

That's not reality, and also that's not comforting in the church when we do that to people. "Oh, you're still grieving your divorce? Isn't God good all the time? All the time God is good. Why are you sad because we have the fullness of joy over here? If you had more faith, you'll have our joy."

Ann Wilson: For the people that are in the thing that we talked about, where "I don't want to deal with it," you said it's like a snake in the corner. Isn't God so gracious that He gives us what we can handle in the moment? He's not going to overwhelm you. It can feel like that at times emotionally, but He's right there with us.

Kia Stephens: It's so true. I'm in a season where I say that I'm in a character-building season. That's what I give people because I know they can handle that. They probably couldn't handle everything else, so I always say that season's never going to end. Dave, I feel like God dealt with you pretty quick in terms of your forgiveness with your dad.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, but it's still triggered. I still was doing ridiculous things to try and get seen. Everything you just said about the lies or the beliefs or the statements you live your whole life believing: "I need to perform to be loved."

If you don't know what those are, that's why it's so critical to have a counselor or somebody to help you identify these are the statements that are not true but you've lived with that have led you to bad behaviors. We don't connect behaviors to the root. That root is a thinking root, and God's the only one who can change that by the Word of God. I think I'm still in it. We all are. God has done an amazing healing for me, and I think He's then said, "I want to use that to heal others. Tell your story."

Ann Wilson: Kia, I'm thinking about your dad after writing this book. Did he read it?

Kia Stephens: No. Well, the book is like 95% Kia and maybe 5% Dad. I sent an e-copy of the book to my mom. She read the whole thing and actually went through the exercises. With my dad, I knew he wasn't going to read it.

I fly 800 miles to Texas, that's my hometown, and I go and pick my dad up. I take him to a Mexican restaurant. I pull out my little pink laptop because that's where my book was at the time, in between some chips and some salsa. I said, "Dad, I want to read my book to you."

I read a little bit and he said, "Yep, that's the way it happened." My dad has a thick Creole accent. I read a little bit more and I said, "Are you okay with that?" He said, "Yep, that's the way it happened."

Then I read a little bit more and I get to the part where my dad wasn't there for anything. He missed every volleyball game, he never interrogated my dates, he never took me to a football game, he didn't do this, he didn't do that. I look up and I'm getting ready to say, "Dad, are you okay with that?" Tears are streaming down his face.

He says, "You know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life." I sat there just stunned because I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't prepared, and I saw the remorse. I saw the awareness of what alcoholism had done to not only him but to me. I'd never seen that.

The beauty in that moment was that one, I didn't need him to say that. I was at peace. Two, God had shown me my own depravity. When he said it, my response could have been, "You're exactly right. You're exactly right." But what I said was, "It's okay, Dad. We all have things we have to work through."

Ann Wilson: What a grace moment.

Kia Stephens: It was, and I'm so glad I didn't miss it. I could have flubbed it completely. I could have destroyed him had I not been changed by the transformative power of Jesus Christ. Had my life not been dipped in the blood of Christ Jesus, I could have crushed him.

But thanks be to God, I realized in that moment you and your dad are on an even playing field. His battle was alcoholism, your battle was insecurity, low self-esteem, lying. That was your battle, but we all got them. Today we have a working relationship. Not perfect, but working.

Ann Wilson: Let me ask you for the person who has blown it. Maybe they had that conversation, they didn't let their parent off the hook, what would you say to them now? Because they're thinking, "Oh, I did blow it. I gave them everything. I let them have it."

Kia Stephens: That's the beauty of the cross. It's like second chance after second chance after second chance. It's never final. Even with the forgiveness letter, I've had people write forgiveness letters to their fathers who are dead and gone, six feet under. You can still get your heart right.

Certainly if your parents are still living. I heard this quote that said, "If your parents die, they're still your parents." No matter what type of father or mother they are, when they're gone, they are gone. You want to make sure that you did everything. What does the Bible say? "Make every effort to keep the peace with one another, to live in peace with one another." Do your part and trust that God will do His.

Dave Wilson: I would end today saying for you today, it starts. I don't even know how you ended up listening today. Maybe you listen every day, maybe somebody handed you this. I think God's been speaking the last two days to somebody that's journeying like we have with this father wound.

Get on your knees right now and pray and say, "God, I can't do this, I need your help." Then number two, start the letter. You may not finish it today. Start the journey and say, "God, help me go on this journey." At the end of this journey, and we haven't even used this word yet, but we all know it because we've felt it, there's freedom.

You're in bondage. Unforgiveness, bitterness, revenge, vengeance—the Lord says vengeance is mine. He's got this. You're in bondage, and I've been in that bondage, and you cannot become the man or woman God wants you to become, He's created you to be, and this holds you.

The day I forgave my dad, I didn't know it at that moment, I was finally free to step into the man and husband and dad and create a legacy I could never do. It started the day I forgave my dad, and it's still journeying and you need to take that journey today.

What a great day with Kia Stephens talking about father wounds. Her book is called *Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God’s Perfect Love*. You can get a copy just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link. This is one you want to hand out to others because father wounds is a real deal that we all struggle with.

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