FamilyLife Today®

Bob Lepine: Some of you are still trying to be a coach to your kids and they're in their 30s or their 40s. You're still on the sidelines saying, "Don't do that!" You're still trying to call a huddle and get them to play the game your way.

No, you need to learn how to be a consultant. If you don't make that shift, it will create a problem in your relationship with your adult kids.

Ann Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today®, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. Welcome to FamilyLife Today. We've got a great day for you.

Ann Wilson: We sure do. We have a guest that maybe you remember or you've heard before. It is our friend Bob Lepine.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, and he was the host of FamilyLife for almost 30 years. He was on the Love Like You Mean It® cruise with us and gave a talk on navigating relationships with adult children.

Ann Wilson: This was such a popular talk. Everybody was talking about it the whole time.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, so you don't want to miss it and you're going to love Bob. He's got that voice that's so familiar. Some of you have heard it for decades. So, here's Bob.

Bob Lepine: I'm guessing that if you're here, you probably have at least one child and you're no longer paying their cell phone bill or their car insurance, right? How many of you are in that category? Raise your hand if you've got—okay. That's a great liberating thing, but here's the problem. Sometimes with that, these kids start making choices on their own and we don't like some of those choices, and it can create relationship tension. That's what I want to talk about.

As we talk about relating to your adult kids, I'm aware that this is an issue for so many parents. Let me just start with where we are. A lot of kids grew up thinking the gospel is there's a God, I need to keep the rules, and if I do I'll have a good life. Then they went to college and found out I'm keeping the rules and other people look like they're having a better life than I am.

They began to question what they had learned because what they hadn't learned was a full biblical gospel. It's not what they'd been taught. They'd learned keep the rules and God will bless you, instead of learning that your life is about God being at the center and you serve Him and there are going to be bumps along the way, but you keep hanging on to Him because that's what this is all about.

In hearing this incomplete gospel, when they started to go, "I'm not sure I believe that anymore," they started to look around and say, "This doesn't jibe with my experience." Then something else was happening at the same time. There was another sociologist and author by the name of Aaron Renn who says that in the era that I grew up in, in the 50s and the 60s, Christianity was perceived as a good thing.

In fact, if you were an insurance agent, you made sure you went to church because you wouldn't get any business if you didn't. So Christianity was seen as a net positive. But he said in the 60s and 70s, something started to happen. Christianity moved from being a good thing to being a neutral thing. But he said in the last decade, we've seen a shift. It's gone from being neutral to being a negative.

Now if you say you're a Christian, there are people who will immediately think poorly of you. In a generation, we've gone from a good thing to a neutral thing to a bad thing. Our kids who are reprocessing their faith in a culture where Christianity is going out of favor are thinking, "I'm not sure I believe this," and there's a penalty to pay if I do.

So that's a part of what they're having to deal with. Now with that as kind of a background of how we got to where we are, let me take you to a passage of scripture and I want you to turn there if you have a Bible with you on your device, or some of you even have an old paper Bible with you. You can get that out. Turn to Ephesians chapter 4.

I'm going to show you three verses here that are the verses that I come back to over and over again when it comes to my relationship with my adult children. But of course it goes beyond just my adult children. This is the Apostle Paul speaking, and the first three chapters in the book of Ephesians are where he lays out his theological foundation. Here's what God has done for us in Christ.

Chapter 4 is a turning point in Ephesians where he says because of what God has done for us in Christ, here's how we should live. He starts in Ephesians 4 verse 1. This is the word of God for the people of God. He says, "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace."

Let me just look at those three verses with you for a second. The goal, he says, is the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace. So what he's aiming for, what he wants us to be eager to maintain, is unity in the spirit. When we talk about spiritual unity, we talk about being aligned around the gospel. Unity is pleasing to the Lord, especially in the church.

In fact, Jesus, on the night before He's crucified, when He's praying, He says, "I pray, Father, that they would be one, even as You and I are one," that there'd be no division. He wants us to be united in Him and united in the central message of the gospel. Unity in the church is pleasing to the Lord, that's the goal. He says to get there, you have to walk in a manner worthy of your calling.

What does that mean? That means that when I am walking, when I'm doing life, when I'm interacting with my adult kids or with anybody, my number one goal should always be that that interaction would put the glory of God on display, that Jesus would be seen in how I'm interacting with them. That if they are going to react or reject what I'm doing, it's not because of how I'm presenting it, it's because of the message that they're rejecting.

He says walking worthy means you walk with humility. You walk with humility. Here's what that means. That means you walk saying, "I can learn from you just as much as you can learn from me." Now as parents, we don't feel like that's really true. We really feel like I know more than you do, I've lived longer than you have, I've had more life experience, you should just be quiet and listen to me.

But that's not humility. Jesus is the one who said that we're really good at seeing the speck in our kids' eye. Not just our kids, but other people's eyes. But when it comes to our adult kids, we can see those specks clearly. But we're not so good at seeing the log that's in our own eyes. Humility says I've got to pull back and say, "What's going on in my own heart and life? I've got to walk with humility."

Secondly, he says if you're going to walk in a manner worthy of your calling, it's got to be with gentleness. You know the only two things Jesus ever said about His own character? When He was describing Himself to others, He says, "This is what I'm like." Do you know what the two things were? "I am meek and lowly of heart." Meekness is not weakness. Meekness is power under control.

Lowly of heart means that we are humble. So we must be gentle. Gentleness requires that we be self-controlled and we have grace for others. It's about controlling anger in the midst of frustration, it's about mercy and love and compassion and kindness. So we must be humble, we must be gentle.

The third thing, if we're going to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, we must be patient. Who knows what the old King James word for patience is? Long-suffering. A patient person suffers for a long time. That goes with the territory. It's fascinating to me that in the description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, where it begins to describe this is what love is, the first thing it says is love is patient.

So if you're going to really love somebody, you're going to suffer for a long time. That's what the Bible teaches. Love is long-suffering. It means that the Greek word for patience literally means you put your anger and wrath far away from you. That's what the word means. It means to put anger and wrath far away. To be long-suffering is different than being hasty or angry in punishment. You endure patiently as opposed to losing faith or giving up.

Let me ask you some diagnostic questions to see just how patient you are. Are you easily provoked? Can the right somebody say a thing and you just go off? Do they know your buttons? Can your buttons be pushed easily? Do you find yourself easily annoyed or angry when your adult kids don't think the way you do about things? Are there times when you're interacting with your adult kids when you feel your muscles tightening and your stomach getting clenched up and your fists are going like this?

Patience means that we can endure those things by the power of the Spirit in walking in a manner worthy. So it's with all humility, gentleness, patience. The last one is forbearance—bearing with one another. Bearing with one another means that we're tolerant of differences on secondary issues. That we can bear with one another even if we don't see eye to eye on secondary issues.

Dave Wilson: You're listening to FamilyLife Today, and we've been listening to a talk that Bob Lepine gave on the Love Like You Mean It cruise last February. Let me tell you, we're going back out on the boat this February and there's a sale going on so that you can join us at a deal.

Ann Wilson: And we want you to come. You're going to love this cruise. It just hits every area of your marriage. You have time to have fun, you have time to talk, you have time to go into these great ports. You can get this sale now through June 30th and all you have to do is use the code COUNTDOWN27 to get these savings.

Dave Wilson: Yes, so just go to familylifetoday.com, use the code COUNTDOWN27. That's good through June 30th. So I would suggest you do it right now. Well, why don't you listen to the rest of what Bob said on the cruise and then do it.

Bob Lepine: So with that, let me give you just some practical thoughts, things that have tripped us up with our adult kids. One of the problems with parents with adult kids is that you have not graduated out of the last phase of parenting to your new phase of parenting. So there are four phases of parenting when you're raising your kids. When your kids are little, you're a caretaker. Your job is to keep them alive and fed and keep them out of harm and danger.

They don't do much but you control everything about their lives just to keep them alive. Then when they start to crawl and they become toddlers, you move from being a caretaker to being a cop. So now when they go about the day, you are going around writing tickets and putting them in timeout or disciplining them. You're sending them off to prison for their behavior.

You've seen this happen when they can toddle and they can pull themselves up and there's a plant and they're reaching in and they take the dirt and you go, "No, no. No, no, don't eat that." They look at you and they look at the dirt and they look at you and they start to do it and you're going, "No, no," and they just go take the dirt to their mouth and you go over and slap their hand and you send them to their room. You're being a cop. There's a penalty to pay. That's the fine they have to pay for eating the dirt.

So you're a cop for many years until they get into their late or early adolescence, their teen years, maybe pre-teen years, and you move from being a cop to being a coach. Now they are exercising their own judgment about things. You can't cop them anymore. So now you have to be around and say, "Okay, here's what's going to happen. Here's what you need to do." Think of a basketball coach. You put the player in the game, you're shouting things from the sideline: "Block, defend, shoot!"

You're pulling them out of the game if they do something wrong, you're benching them, you're huddling up and coaching them through. But they're starting to make choices on their own. They get their driver's license and you can't cop them anymore because they're out on their own making their choices. You have to coach them before they go out and you have to ride herd on them.

There comes a point where you have to move from being a coach to being the fourth level, which is a consultant. A consultant is somebody that a client hires to give them advice. So when you become a consultant with your kids, you say to them, "If we can ever help you with any counsel or advice on this, we're here. You let us know." But you're no longer their coach, you're now a consultant waiting to be hired by them.

Here's the problem. Some of you are still trying to be a coach to your kids and they're in their 30s or their 40s. You're still on the sidelines saying, "Don't do that!" You're still trying to call a huddle and get them to play the game your way. No, you need to learn how to be a consultant and if you don't make that shift, it will create a problem in your relationship with your adult kids.

Here's a second issue for a lot of parents with adult kids: too much of your identity is wrapped up in your adult kids' behavior. You're concerned about your adult kids' behavior in part because of the choices they're making, but in part because of the reflection it is back on you and your parenting. You're embarrassed and you're afraid that your friends are going to say you must have been a bad parent because your kids are living—you just have to learn how to let that go and trust that the Lord was more sovereign over the experience than even your parenting.

That the choices your kids are making, they're making because they have their own free moral agency, not because you did something right or wrong. Now we did things wrong. Who did things wrong as a parent? All of us did. Is God sovereign over those things? Yes. Can you let that go? There may be some things you need to apologize to your kids for that you did wrong. But ultimately don't have your identity wrapped up in your kids' behavior.

Here's a third thing. Some parents have problems with their adult kids because you never let your kids leave when they got married. The Bible says that in marriage, the first step is a man shall leave father and mother, cleave to his wife. In Psalm 45 it says that a woman is to leave her family. They're to leave and form a new relationship. Some adult parents never let their kids leave. They continue to try to coach when they shouldn't be coaching and they've not honored that new unit as the independent unit that it needs to be.

So I think those are three of the pitfalls that we can fall into as adult parents. As we watch our kids grow and make choices, either moral choices or spiritual choices or political choices—let's just be honest, a lot of the divide between one generation and another generation right now is on who you voted for in the last election. So what do we do if we've got a child who has stood up and said, "I no longer believe what you taught me to believe. I'm not a Christian anymore. I no longer publicly profess faith in Christ"?

How do we respond to that as parents? Some of you are there. Well, I think we respond the way the father in the Prodigal Son story responded in Luke chapter 15. How did he respond? What he did was he continued to pray for and wait for his child to wake up. We know that he didn't do anything that would have created a barrier for his son to come home when he woke up. And that's maybe the most important thing that you can do.

You make sure your child who has abandoned their faith knows that they're always welcome back home. That your love for them is not contingent on their profession of faith. That you love them unconditionally. When the father of the prodigal son saw the son starting to make a move home, he ran to him and embraced him, threw his arms around him and welcomed him. And the son knew he was always welcome back home.

And I think maybe that's the most important thing. We did an interview a number of years ago with a guest on FamilyLife Today, a man named Phil Waldrep, and he said, "Here are my six principles for what you can do as parents if your son is a prodigal, your son or your daughter. Number one, you have to learn to live guilt-free in your own Christian life."

I thought that's really interesting that he would say in order for your son or daughter to come back home, you have to learn how to live guilt-free. What does he mean? He means that Romans 8:1 is true: there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You say, "But the mistakes I made." Yes, there's no condemnation. God forgives that. God erases it.

Here's what God does with the mistakes you made, the sins. He puts them as far as the east is from the west. He puts them behind His back where He doesn't see them. He puts them at the bottom of the ocean, the Bible says. The Bible says the omniscient God remembers them no more. God who knows everything has chosen to forget your sin. Can you do that?

That's the first step that you need. You need to be able to receive God's forgiveness for you and walk in that no condemnation in order for you to be at a place where you're ready to receive your child back home. Number two, if you sinned against your prodigal, you need to go to them and seek their forgiveness. That may mean writing a letter. That may mean face-to-face.

But if God has burdened you with areas in which you sinned against them, you may need to go to them and say, "As I've been thinking back about when you were at home or this time or this situation, I've just been convicted that I did things wrong there and I want to ask for your forgiveness." And you do that and that's the only agenda. It's not like, "Now is there anything you want to ask me about?" Once you've confessed, you don't say, "Do you have anything you'd like to say?" That's not how that conversation should go.

Number three, you must love your prodigal unconditionally. You do not hold back your love for your prodigal until your prodigal changes. You love them unconditionally in the middle of the sin that they're in, in the middle of the rejection that they're in and you make sure they know you love them.

Here's the fourth thing he says: you must allow sin to run its course. When the prodigal was away from the father, while he was caught up in riotous living and still had money, he wasn't thinking about back home and there was nothing the father could do. He had to get to the pigsty before he woke up. Your child, as painful as it may be, may need to get to a deeper level of sinful engagement before they ever wake up.

I have talked to parents who have prayed for their kids to hit the bottom farther than they are so that they'll wake up and prayed for God to bring other people to speak into their lives. And then you have to guard your words with your prodigal. Be very careful in guarding your words. Life and death is in the power of the tongue, the Bible says.

And if you want to know what kind of words should I use with my prodigal, read Ephesians 4:29 which tells us that our speech should always be—give grace to those who hear, should be seeking to edify them. It's a good verse to memorize in terms of the kind of speech you should have with your prodigal. And then finally, the sixth principle is keep praying for your prodigal. Keep praying for that prodigal.

Let me give you another passage that's one that I've come back to over and over again over the last five years in all kinds of contexts. This is 2 Timothy 2. It's Paul's last letter writing to his protege Timothy who's a pastor in Ephesus. And he says to him about being the Lord's servant—and I think that's all of us, we are all the Lord's servant. He said, "The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome. Must not be quarrelsome. Let me say that again, must not be quarrelsome.

But kind to everyone, able to teach and then here's the kicker, patiently enduring evil. It's not patiently enduring inconveniences or differences. Let that sink in again. Don't be quarrelsome, be kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting opponents with gentleness," it says. And it goes on to say this, "God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth.

They may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil after being captured to do his will." So there's the promise of scripture here that we act the way we're called to act, don't be quarrelsome, be kind, be patient in enduring evil and correct with gentleness, and God may grant them repentance. And that's what you're praying for, that God would awaken them and bring repentance.

I'll close with this. 3 John verse 4, one of my favorite verses in the Bible, John is talking about his spiritual children but he says, "I have no greater joy than to know that my children are walking in the truth." And if that's true, I think there's no greater pain than when our kids aren't walking in the truth. And when we feel that pain, we take that pain to Jesus who knows the pain better than we do.

And we say, "Lord, they're in Your hands. I trust them to You and I trust the outcome of their lives to You and Lord, would You do what I can't do? Would You be their coach instead of me trying to be their coach?"

Dave Wilson: What a great day listening to Bob Lepine on the Love Like You Mean It cruise last year. And hopefully that will help you with your adult children. It definitely helped us.

Ann Wilson: It's just so good. He's so practical and biblical. I just love this whole talk.

Dave Wilson: And let us remind you, we're going back out on the boat in February of 2027 and we'd love to have you with us. So if you'd like to join us at a discount through June 30th, you can get a discount. Just go to familylifetoday.com, use the code COUNTDOWN27, and I hope to see you on the boat next February.

Ann Wilson: We want to hear from you. You can leave us a voice message with your questions, concerns, praise reports, or whatever. All you have to do is go to speakpipe.com/familylifetoday. Again, that's speakpipe.com/familylifetoday or get the link in the show notes.

Dave Wilson: FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.