FamilyLife Today®

Noreen Muehlhoff: What we're not talking about here is avoidance. We're not talking about sweeping things under the rug and just ignoring them. But we are saying that there are times that it might be healthy, because the climate's a little rough, to say instead of trying to head on, nitpick, and deal with all these things, can we set those aside and work on the climate of the marriage?

Dave Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I'm Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: Today we're going cruising. I've got a song in my head. Let's go cruising now, everybody's cruising now, come on and cruise with me. Do you know that song?

Ann Wilson: I do know it because I'm old enough to know it.

Dave Wilson: That's not how it goes. It's the Beach Boys about surfing, but cruising's the same thing. Here's the deal. The Love Like You Mean It® cruise is a marriage conference on a cruise ship for a week. Who doesn't want to do that?

Ann Wilson: Every time we talk about this with people at conferences, everyone says they want to do that. It sounds amazing that there's a cruise like that. Well, there is.

Dave Wilson: You want to join us because you're going to hear a talk today from Tim and Noreen Muehlhoff that they gave on the last cruise. There are talks like this every day on the boat. You don't want to miss that. It's fun, you get a suntan, there are pools, and there are excursions. It is everything you can imagine on a cruise.

We're the only people on the boat. It's all FamilyLife people. Here's the deal for the discount. It goes through June 30th. Go to familylifetoday.com. Just use this code: countdown27. You'll get the discount now through June 30th. We're going to listen to Tim and Noreen Muehlhoff on last year's cruise.

Ann Wilson: These are good friends of ours. These guys are phenomenal communicators, and that's what they're going to talk about. They're going to talk about building a healthy communication climate in your home and with each other. I think you're going to love them.

Tim Muehlhoff: The climate dictates what can happen. We're about to talk about a communication climate that is just as real as anything outside the door of the cabin of this cruise. You can work against the communication climate in your marriage or you can improve the climate. It will make conversations go better, not perfect, but it will make them go much better.

Our son Jeremy does triathlons. They said to him ahead of time that he had to have a wetsuit. The water is so cold that he wouldn't be able to swim without one. That's a great principle as well. We need to prepare to have conversations. The way that we think of it in communication theory is this idea of communication climate.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Let's take a look at what is a communication climate. A communication climate is the overarching sense of value and satisfaction individuals feel as they interact with each other and go about daily activities. It's just a way to organize our thoughts and maybe give words to some of your conversations. Basically, a communication climate is made up of four elements. Those elements are expectations, acknowledgment, trust, and commitment. These are just four categories or ways to think about what the elements are that contribute to either a healthy climate or a difficult communication climate.

Tim Muehlhoff: Let's look at the very first one: expectations. We could really apply that to the cruise. For those of you who have never gone on a cruise before like us, what were your expectations of what the cruise would be like? Are those expectations being filled or not being fulfilled? That's always in the play in the background. It's either going to determine whether you have a great experience this week or not.

Those expectations you carried right into your marriage. What did I expect married life to be like? What did I expect the first couple years to be like? What did I expect when we had kids? How did I expect we would discipline the kids? How would we live our lives together religiously, going to church, and different things like that?

Expectations can cause problems if they're not being met. Let's be honest. Some of you would say there are expectations in your marriage right now that are not being fulfilled. Certain ones are, but I can think of expectations that I've either had to bury or I've just had to say maybe this is just never going to happen in the marriage. Those expectations, like a thunderstorm, can be in the background and affect the entire part of the marriage.

Noreen Muehlhoff: A way that you can sort your expectations is to take a look at this. We have two ways. We often talk about our spoken and unspoken expectations. We talk about realistic and unrealistic. There's a gap between our expectations and reality. What lives in here is discouragement, sometimes disillusionment, and sometimes anger.

We want to look at some ways that we can close this. To do that, we either need to change our expectations or change our reality. Both are possible. The other thing that we found is that often we don't even realize we have expectations until they're not met. Suddenly you're disappointed. You wonder why you are disappointed. You didn't even know you expected that.

We found that out really early in marriage. Our first year married was Tim's birthday. My family celebrates birthdays around dinner time. We would have cake, we'd have a special dinner, and that's when gifts would be given. Tim's family does it differently. Our first year married, he was very disappointed.

Tim Muehlhoff: Our family does it as God intended. With us, it's a birthday, not a birth afternoon. It's the birthday. When I wake up in the morning, everything was there waiting for you. Your cards were waiting. My parents would have balloons and things like that. The first time married, I wake up, Noreen's not home, and there is nothing. I thought my wife had forgotten my birthday. That's an expectation, that she would remember my birthday. It got a little bit chilly in the relationship.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Because we went through premarital counseling, we knew each other well. Nobody ever said, "When do you expect your birthday card?" That was not on the list. Sometimes until it's not met, it's an issue. Then Tim was able to explain to me his family tradition. Since then, I've been awesome.

Tim Muehlhoff: Family will deeply impact those expectations. Noreen's dad is such a multitask person. He's a "Mr. Fix-It" kind of guy. I'm not. I was a theater major. Early in the marriage, we came home and Noreen said, "Honey, the van won't start." I looked at her and I said, "Bummer." I had mime classes.

How do we evaluate our expectations? These are good things to keep in mind that are going to tip off what the climate is like a little bit. One, do I feel free to voice my expectations in the marriage? That's a quick little diagnostic question. Second, what unspoken expectations do I have that are not being met? It seems weird to even verbalize this because I don't think I should have to verbalize this. Then last, how much of my expectations have been influenced by unrealistic expectations, maybe fostered by media or romantic comedies? We need to take a look at that.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Let's take a look at the next area of climate, and that's acknowledgment. Acknowledgment is any indication or attempt to recognize the presence and perspective of a person. This is not necessarily having the same opinion. It's not even thinking the same way, but it's acknowledging that something is important.

Tim Muehlhoff: Let your spouse know that what he or she has said has made an impression on me. It doesn't mean I agree. But what you just said, that was powerful. I need to sit in that for a while, so let me think about that. Next, let your spouse know that I'm working to understand your perspective. I'm not there yet. It doesn't quite make sense to me, but honestly, I'm working to understand everything that goes into your perspective. Then last, let your spouse know that his or her feelings matter to me. If this matters to you, it matters to me. That ought to be a great place to improve a climate.

Next, let's look at trust. Some communication scholars have argued trust is the most important part of the entire climate. If trust is lacking, the climate will not improve. It is the bedrock aspect of the climate. For some of you, trust has been an issue in the marriage. It's going to have to be addressed and articulated. We're going to give some suggestions how to do that. I wouldn't ignore the climate. I would seek to build it up while knowing we've got to deal with this issue that I quite frankly don't trust you when it comes to finances. I don't trust what you're looking at on your electronic devices. We cannot ignore that.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Here are just some ways that we can evaluate trust in your relationship. These are questions you can ask yourself and questions you can ask each other. What does my spouse do that makes it easy for me to trust them? Obviously the opposite of that is: are there things that my spouse does that makes it difficult? Some of those things can be accountability, especially if there's been a breach in trust. Is your spouse doing things that help you rebuild that?

Tim Muehlhoff: I grew up in a home where my parents were overwhelmed with life. They got married super young. They weren't religious. We didn't go to church. My dad was a factory worker at age 18. Pornography just became a part of the marriage. We were introduced to pornography at very young ages. It's really tragic.

That's part of my background. Noreen knows that. That came out in premarital counseling. On my devices, any electronic device I have, I have something called Covenant Eyes, which means there's a picture that's going to be taken of my screen. I do not know when this picture is going to be taken. I have an accountability partner in the New Testament department at Biola University. John gets whatever is on my screen. He'll get a snapshot. Then he gets a report, and me as well, and then we have to have a conversation if something came up.

It gets flagged. I like the UFC. I have a martial arts background. I like the Ultimate Fighting Championship. It's always flagged because it's men without shirts. It's always like that. I'm like, "Yeah, you're right, I watched Conor McGregor." Duly noted. But that helps you trust me knowing I have that on my devices and John is a no-nonsense accountability partner.

Noreen Muehlhoff: I trust John, so that also makes it work. I trust your accountability partner.

Dave Wilson: This is FamilyLife Today and we're listening to a message from Tim and Noreen Muehlhoff that they gave on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise last February.

Ann Wilson: We're going to jump back in and listen to Tim and Noreen. Have you heard of something called a marital truce? That's what they're going to get into, which is going to be interesting.

Tim Muehlhoff: Let's talk about commitment.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Commitment is just a pledge to continually do or be something in the future. Even though we're talking about these as if they are four distinct elements, they really are closely related. You almost can't have one without the other. Commitment and trust go hand in hand. Commitment will build trust and trust will build commitment. The consistency is what is the key for commitment.

Tim Muehlhoff: Julia Wood, a communication scholar, said the hallmark of commitment is the assumption of a future. This is a Christian cruise. If I were to ask you what makes us fundamentally different from a secular marriage cruise, you get to the heart of Christian marriage, which is: this is it. This is a commitment that is not to be broken.

Christian marriage says to be careful who you marry because now you're representing the Trinity, the love of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit towards each other. Our marriages are a living metaphor of that eternal relationship. What separates us is that we're in this together. You actually made an interesting comment earlier in our marriage that I thought was really good.

Noreen Muehlhoff: We were going through, believe it or not, a little bit of a funk where we were just not getting along great. We didn't really know what was going on and we were trying to figure it out. I just finally said to Tim, "We better figure this out or it's going to be a long 40 or 50 years." He was actually encouraged at that because what that said was, "I'm in it. I'm not going anywhere. I know we're not doing great at the moment, but I'm not going anywhere."

We had a choice. We could just choose to stay there or we could say, "Let's figure this out and get to a better place because we are going to be each other's person until death do us part."

Tim Muehlhoff: We've had funks all throughout the marriage. We've gone through these seasons where we're just like, "I think the climate has suffered a little bit. I don't think we've been doing good climate work and we need to pull back." Let's go on a cruise!

Noreen Muehlhoff: That's the place to work on your climate for sure. How do we evaluate commitment? The first one is huge. Does conflict cause me to worry that my marriage is unstable? That's going to hurt the climate. John Gottman said, "Show me a couple that argues. They care enough about the marriage that they'll argue. I can save it. Show me a couple who no longer argues because they just don't feel like it makes a difference. That marriage could be in trouble."

The next one says, "Do we agree that we generally put in a similar amount of effort into the relationship?" We're going back to our expectations chart. Do you have an expectation that they're going to put in a certain amount and maybe you don't think they are? There's the phrase that says a person that says they'll meet you halfway is often a poor judge of distance. For me to say, "Are you putting the same amount as I am? Because I think we're like 80/20 here." That can be a conversation. Generally, do you feel like you're both working at it?

The last question you can ask yourself is: "Am I too consumed by this relationship?" That might sound almost like an oxymoron. We agree this is your primary human relationship. This should get the best of your effort. But if you're too consumed by it, if your complete identity is in this relationship, if you forget that you have a Lord and Savior who is your primary source of love and identity, then things can get out of whack. It needs to be in its proper place.

Tim Muehlhoff: This is kind of St. Augustine. Augustine had a great quote. He said, "Our lives are restless, our hearts are restless till they find peace in God." Your marriage climate will always be lacking if God is not the center for you. God is primarily meeting my need for perfect love, not my spouse who can't pull it off perfectly.

We want to introduce an idea that maybe some of you will apply this cruise. We recognize that people are coming in here with very different statuses of your marriage. Some of you are doing great and the cruise is going to add to the climate. Some of you are like, "Wow, we needed this time away because we need to talk." Some of you quite frankly are here and you're like, "I can't even believe we're here." You're all over the map. Let me introduce this idea of a marital truce that I think might be something to do this weekend.

Noreen Muehlhoff: A marital truce is the decision to temporarily set aside controversial issues and overlook the offensive actions of each other as you seek to strengthen the overall climate of the marriage. What we're not talking about is avoidance. We're not talking about sweeping things under the rug and just ignoring them.

But we are saying that there are times that it might be healthy, because the climate's a little rough, to say instead of trying to head on, nitpick, and deal with all these things, can we set those aside and work on the climate of the marriage? Let's enjoy each other. Let's remember those things that first drew us to one another. Sometimes we need to recalibrate and go, "Let's just enjoy one another for a period of time." The goal of that is then to strengthen the climate so you can deal with the deeper issues that do need to be dealt with. We're not avoiding them, we're just creating a better climate in which you can address them.

Tim Muehlhoff: Here's what we're suggesting. If you're here and part of you is like, "Let's do it, let's talk," I want to say maybe at the end. But now, from a communication theory standpoint, I'd go have fun. I'd go have fun. It might want to come out, but let's dance. Build up the climate and then maybe when you get home or maybe at the very end you can sit down and say, "Thank you so much, this has been a blast."

Noreen Muehlhoff: Just one disclaimer. We are not talking about abusive behavior. When we talk about ignoring an offense or overlooking, that never includes abusive behavior. Anytime that power or strength is used to coerce or to control or to hurt, that is abuse. That is not what we're talking about ignoring. That needs to be dealt with. There needs to be intervention there, bringing other people in to help you walk through that so you can rebuild trust. This marital truce does not apply to that. We're talking about the day-to-day things, the good-hearted couple who wants to have a good healthy marriage and are working toward that.

Tim Muehlhoff: We're talking about the rank and file disagreements. We've actually applied this. We've actually at times said, "Okay, let's just hit pause and let's just enjoy each other." It's hard in the beginning to give each other compliments. You might say, "You wasn't such a jerk today." We don't mean those kind of compliments.

There's biblical precedent for this. I love this from the book of Proverbs. A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. You might be on this marriage cruise and your spouse says something. You think, "I can't believe you just said that." A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a wise man overlooks that. Not perpetually am I going to overlook that, but I'm going to overlook that as we're going to dance lessons.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Proverbs 15 says a man finds joy in giving an apt reply and how good is a timely word. When we address things and how we address things can really make a difference to the overall climate.

Tim Muehlhoff: Let me give you a parenting example real quick. You know when you have teenagers. We have three boys, now they're adults. But you know the cycle you can get into with teenagers. The climate is not great. They're upstairs in their room mad, you're mad, and you don't know what to do.

I remember sitting down with our son Michael, our oldest, who's awesome. We were in the midst of this constant disagreeing. I sat with him and I said, "Let's just have a conversation. I just want to hear your perspective. That's it. I honestly just want to hear your take on family life in the Muehlhoff household." As he's going off, you better believe I'm biting my tongue.

We finished and I had to take a deep breath. I said, "You know what, let me say one thing. You know what was so good about this? We never raised our voice once." He looked at me and he said, "You're right, we didn't." I said, "You know what, that really encourages me." That kind of stuff you might think is so small, but it ends a negative spiral and it creates a positive spiral. Don't overlook the small things. Life and death's in the power of the tongue. I would say compliment each other regularly. John Gottman said it takes five positive comments to overcome one negative comment. We really hang on to the negatives. He said it takes five positives to overcome one negative.

Let's close with talking about a different relationship that really does make this cruise unique.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Your communication climate with God. Just as we have a climate with each other, we have a climate with God. Think through even just the elements that we talked about: commitment, acknowledgment, expectations, and trust. You can say, "What are my expectations of God?" Am I disappointed? You can tell Him that. Do I feel like He's committed? Do I feel like I can trust Him? As you go through those elements, that's also going to impact your climate or how you feel about your relationship with God.

C.S. Lewis said you cannot love a fellow creature fully till you love God. We're in here because we want to be better at loving each other fully. This gift that we have received from the Lord, our spouse, how can we love them more fully? A big part of that is what is our love relationship like with God.

Dave Wilson: This is FamilyLife Today and that was Tim and Noreen Muehlhoff talking on the Love Like You Mean It cruise last February. We'd love to have you on the boat this February. There's a discount going on right now just for you through June 30th.

Ann Wilson: All you have to do to get that discount is use code countdown27 to get all your savings. Visit familylifetoday.com to sign up. We really hope you'll join us on the cruise next year, 2027, February 13th.

Dave Wilson: FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife®, a Cru® Ministry. Fifty years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.