FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

But you know what amazes me about the interstate system in California? How many cars can move with a proximity that is literally reach out and touch your neighbor.

As long as I'm owning what I'm supposed to own, we can move with tremendous speed, unbelievable proximity, and a great respect and cohesion with one another.

But the moment one of us swerves out of our lanes, it all falls apart.

Speaker 2

I'm super excited to have Kevin Thompson back with us because, Kevin, you back.

Speaker 3

Is like, it's been, what, five years?

Speaker 1

It has been. Y' all were in Arkansas last time I saw you.

Speaker 2

Now we're in Orlando. Okay? So I'm gonna start you off with a little question, okay? Because I know you've had a lot of these questions and especially what we're gonna talk about today. This could be very typical for you.

So let's say a family comes to you. You're a pastor, but you also help counsel a lot of people. So a family comes into you. It's a mom and a dad and their son, who they love, they adore. And their son's dating a girl that the mom's like, eh, I don't think she's the best one for you, by the way.

Speaker 3

This isn't us.

Speaker 1

Hypothetically.

Speaker 3

This isn't somebody that's really us.

Speaker 2

But it might be kind of from your book.

But the son is madly in love with her, and they want you to come and solve the problem.

And the mom's thinking, oh, he's gonna side. Kevin's gonna side with me. Pastor Kevin's gonna side with me.

And the son's like, probably just was drugged there.

So what do you say to this family?

Speaker 1

Yeah. So often in that scenario where, let's say, parents really want to interject their opinions on what's going on.

Speaker 2

You think?

Speaker 1

I always say this. This is exactly what you should have done when your child was 12. But what happens is now the son is college age older, in their 20s, and here's the reality. It is not your business unless you are asked.

Speaker 2

Oh, every parent's like, wait, wait, wait. No, Kevin, you don't know our scenario. This girl's not even a Christian.

Speaker 3

Yeah, we know better.

Speaker 2

Surely it's my job, because I love him. Or we love him.

Speaker 1

And the truth of the matter, Dave, is you do know better. That's what's so difficult about it, is that you do know better. You know the consequences of it. Isn't this the amazing thing about parenting? The older they get, the less power we have.

Speaker 2

It's terrible.

Speaker 1

The greater the consequences of their own decision making. But the truth of the matter is, in the end we have a dinner table much like this one.

So I have two kids and I tell them all the time, there's six chairs at the table. We didn't plan it this way, it just turned out this way. But I tell them regularly, 17 year old now and 20 year old, but I've said this for a long time, who sits at these other two chairs is up to y' all individually.

You will each choose who you marry, who you're in a relationship with, and as long as it is not a safety issue, that person will be welcome to our table. You just need to recognize it will have an impact on the whole. But in the end, it's up to you.

Now, I want to create a relationship where they will talk to me and ask my opinion and all those kind of things, but I do not have the right to interject myself into a scenario where I haven't been invited in, when ultimately that's their decision, not my decision.

Speaker 2

And is that what you would tell that mom and dad?

Speaker 1

That's what I have told many a mom and dad. I mean, literally great family, they come in and kids are home for the summer and they're struggling a little bit with the kids were gone and now they're back. And how do we deal with all of that? And we're having a very good conversation in which I'm saying, look, your kids, they went away to college, they're used to having freedom. I think you need to give them that kind of freedom.

At the same time, kids, look, you need to recognize you're adults now. So you're coming back in this house. If you were to spend the night with me, there's no way you'd come in at 3 o'clock in the morning. Because it would be rude as my guest to do that. And so you need to act like an adult, they need to treat you like an adult.

But in the midst of that conversation, just a passing comment came up in which the mom just said, hey, he was dating this girl and I didn't like her. And I'm like, well, yeah. I said, so the relationship's over? Yes, the relationship's over. I said, no, there's nothing wrong. You do not have to like the girl your son is dating by any means. I said, no, you know, obviously you can't tell him that.

And there was like a pause. And she's like, what? And I said, wait, you told him? Well, yeah, no, I thought he needed to know. I said, no. He's 28. Like, you do not get to interject again. If he were 12, absolutely. But there's been a transition that has happened. He is now a man. He is in charge of his own decision making, and he's in charge of who he includes in the process of making those decisions.

And if you do not respect his ability to make his own decisions, you will actually. Not only will you not have the control that you want, you'll actually lose the influence that you desire. But if you will respect his ability to make that decision and show those boundaries, my guess is that relationship will grow. He'll start to invite you into places that right now you're trying to force your way into. Whoa. Ew.

Speaker 2

Isn't it so good? As we share stories of God's faithfulness, remember that your generosity helps make this possible.

And when you give to Family Life, your partnership helps more homes experience hope and joy in Jesus. So visit familylifetoday.com or call 800-FL today to join us and make an impact.

Okay, we really want you to give. Let's get back to the conversation we.

Speaker 3

Really need you to give.

Speaker 2

What if every parent is listening right now to you? They're like, well, what age do I get it at? 12? When does it end?

Speaker 1

Yeah, no, it's a great question. And so these changes. So, Right. So in Stay in your Lane, we're using the image of driving down the road.

Speaker 2

Yeah, this is.

Speaker 3

And by the way, we haven't even mentioned. This is the book Stay in youn Lane. And by the way, subtitle Worry less, love More and get the.

Speaker 2

And it's terrible. It's terrible. I read this and I'm like, oh, I'm always in everybody's lane.

Speaker 1

It's awful. Yeah, well, David, it really is. I always say it's the easiest book you've read since Goodnight Moon, because this is not complicated stuff.

But the fascinating thing is, as you begin to look at it, and it just applies to every area of life, and the next thing you know, you're like, hey, there's more to this than what I see whenever I see a 6x6 kind of book.

But we use this image of driving in lanes and you think about how a road is marked in different ways. If there's a dash, you get to swerve over back and forth. No, you can change lanes. However it is that you want to change lanes, if there's a double yellow line, you have to stay in your own specific space.

Speaker 3

Do you hear that?

Speaker 2

I Always do.

Speaker 3

You're the one specific space.

Speaker 1

Sometimes there's a solid yellow line with a dashed line, which means one lane can come over easily. The other lane actually can't come over. So whenever I think about this, when my kids were born, I pondered the question: what's mine, what's theirs, what's God's? Those are the three lengths: mine, theirs, and God's. When my kids were born, everything was either in my lane or God's lane. My kids had no control whatsoever.

But about the age of two, around the time they learned the word "no," I needed to start taking things out of my lane and handing them over to them. This was essential for them to learn to control their own lives, develop their own sense of agency, and understand how to make decisions. They needed to learn that their choices have consequences that affect them.

Now, there are some things I might hand over that I have to take back because they're not ready for them. For example, I have a 17-year-old son. As we're doing this interview, he just recently got the car keys. I remind him regularly, "I'm handing this over to you. If you're not responsible with it, I will take it back." But there comes a point where I can't take it back. Right now, I still have some power, but that won't last forever.

Speaker 2

Because he's under your roof.

Speaker 1

Yes. So I don't think there is a specific age or marker. I think it is in the development of the child. But to look at, if a parent is not every single day taking something out of their lane and putting it into their child's lane, then that is stunting the growth of the child and it's going to begin to hinder the relationship.

Now if you move something over too quickly, that will also hinder the child and will eventually make the relationship difficult as well. But I think every single day my kids are trying to get more responsibility in their lives, and I need to hand that over to them.

Now it's different for me too. I also have a 20-year-old with special needs. So, a 20-year-old with Down syndrome, which means one of the things we're going through right now. She's in a great program at UC Davis where she's getting a full college experience living on campus. She texted me and her mom one night, Friday night, 10:30 at night, her and her roommate were lost in downtown Davis, California.

Speaker 3

Come on.

Speaker 1

And we're like, all right, let's take out your phone. Let's figure out how to navigate your way back. Right. So one thing that we're having to do with Ella, a child with special needs, is we're having to see what she can take control of. We are handing things over to her to see if she can manage those. If not, we might take them back.

The truth of the matter is, there actually comes a point where, with my son, it's a solid yellow line and a dashed line on my side, so I can swerve into his lane. He doesn't get to swerve into mine.

Speaker 2

What would it look like for him to swerve into yours? What would that mean?

Speaker 1

Well, whenever he begins to interject his own opinion about choices that I get to make, about who I am, about what I'm doing, he can try, but he's not going to impact what I actually do on certain things. Right? The idea of disrespecting what's going on in the house that he's not paying for is significant.

I remember what Shaquille O'Neal told his kids when they said, "We're rich." Shaquille responded, "No, you're middle class; you're poor. I'm rich." He then laid out the measures they would have to take to become rich themselves, stating that he would give them his money if they did those things.

Silas begins to confuse ownership of what's going on, and that would be him swerving into my lane. However, as he grows—17, 18, 19, 20—he's going to reach a point where that will become a more solid double yellow line. I'm going to have to respect him, and he's going to have to respect me.

If life expectancy goes as we hope, eventually the dashes will be on his side. As I get older, he'll start having to swerve over into my lane. How can he help me? What does he need to be responsible for? What can I no longer take care of? These lanes are constantly changing within the family dynamic.

Speaker 3

I mean, where we started though, parents do not like this idea that I stand in my lane with their adult kids. It is a real battle.

There are a lot of adult kids that say, my mom and dad are still telling me what to do. What happens to that relationship when that doesn't stop?

Speaker 1

Yeah, well, we all have this temptation, right, to swerve into a lane that is not ours.

Speaker 2

I still do it all the time. I did it last week with a 34 year old son who's having some stomach issues. He's eating an ice cream cone. His wife is sitting right beside him. They're in each other's lanes.

Speaker 3

And I watched this happen. I just shook my head like, there she goes.

Speaker 1

I did. It's like.

Speaker 2

It's terrible. So I say to him, oh, you shouldn't be eating that. You shouldn't be eating that. It's gonna kill your stomach. And he looks at me like, I'll eat whatever I want.

And it's a part of me that's so hard. I remember being 50, and my mom, who is 83, said to me when I was staying at her house, honey, it's time for you to go to bed. I said, I'm 53 years old. I think I can figure out when I need to go to bed.

I feel it when she says it when she comes into my lane. But I feel like I'm helping. Helping my son.

Speaker 1

But notice your feeling and your emotions. Notice your son's response. It's immediate to put the guard up and to now want to do the exact opposite of what you just said. So here's what I think is important for parents. I get the idea, especially parents of adult children. I get the idea. We don't want this. That's fine. Let's determine, what do you want? So that's what's mine. What's mine is I get to choose my own desires, my own preferred outcomes. Doesn't mean I can guarantee they're gonna happen.

So I have to ask myself the question, what is the outcome I want? I want my child to flourish. I want to have a great relationship with them. I do not want tension in the midst of the relationship. I want to help them in every way I possibly can. I want to have as much influence on their lives as I can. How do I get that? The problem is we then do not think of what's the best way to go about that. We just do what comes naturally to us, and that is we try to control. Yes, but when you and I try to control something that we can only influence, we actually lose both.

Whenever we begin to recognize the boundaries that are there and say, "Okay, I can't control this. I actually have to respect the decision-making of this adult," we can ask ourselves, "How can I be an influence?" Well, we've all had bosses to some extent, Dave. Maybe you were this type of boss, I don't know. But we've all had bosses who would micromanage us, and whenever they would micromanage us, they wouldn't respect who we are, our capabilities, or our abilities. What we would do is actually try to go behind their back to get things done, excluding them from the process because we didn't want to put up with the angst.

But then we also had bosses, and Dave, you were likely this type, who believed in us. Whenever they believed in us, an amazing thing would happen: we would actually invite them into what was going on because we knew if we did, they would assist us and not control us. We want their influence, their influence and their input—absolutely not their control.

For many parents out there of adult children, what frustrates you the most about your kids right now is that they are actually pushing away a control that you are trying to exert in a place where you do not have the ability to exert it. If you will back off, stop trying to control, and begin to try to influence, you'll actually get more influence, which can, in part, lead to more control.

And, Ann, you said a word that I think is such a trigger word for us—or should be: "should." Yes. When I use the word "should" with somebody else, what right do I have to use that word? I'm not saying every time we use it that's a sign that we're out of our lane, but we should assume that whenever we use it, we are probably out of our lane.

Speaker 2

I just erased a text this morning to some of our kids that had that word in it. And I erased it and started over and I reframed it. So I was like, have you thought about. Cause they were asking something. But man, that word.

I think because as our kids are younger, we're shifting into their lane continually. So to not ever use that word with our kids and even our husbands or our wives, that takes some practice to not do it, but I think it's really essential.

How often, as a listener, are you using the word should?

Speaker 1

And I love even the idea. First of all, you said something beautiful right there. Your child had asked. Your adult child had asked you something to even at times pause.

And for your first response to be, hey, thank you for asking me. I feel so appreciated, appreciative that we have this type of relationship.

And please know that I will give you my opinion in a loving, compassionate way every time. But I recognize who you are as a person. I trust your decision making. I believe in you, and I know that you will do the right thing.

And it's an honor just to be one of the voices in your life.

Speaker 2

Oh, that's so good. Everybody write that down and say, Kids.

Speaker 1

Think about how that now invites more of those types of conversations.

Speaker 3

Yeah, but you're also, you know this. You've got the parent. You've got the parent who, you know, with their adult kids knows their son or daughter is making a wrong choice, whether it's a relationship, whatever.

It's like when your kid was 3 years old and a scorpion was coming toward them. You're going to step in and stop that thing and run them away.

Now they're 22 and you think that girl or that guy or that job choice is a score. It's poisonous, it's going to destroy them. They can't see it. You can.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 3

How do you not stop it?

Speaker 1

Exactly. What would Jesus do in that situation? Clearly, Jesus would protect our children. Right?

Well, in Matthew 19, the rich young ruler comes to Jesus and asks, "What must I do to be saved?" Jesus replies, "Follow the Ten Commandments." The rich guy foolishly thinks he has done that. Now, the text says that Jesus, knowing his heart, tells him to sell everything he owns, give it to the poor, and follow Him. The rich guy doesn't want to do that and turns to walk away. What does Jesus do? He lets him walk.

As a pastor, I would have chased him down and said, "Oh, hang on, I was just kidding. What if you gave 10%? What if you gave to our building fund? What if you just gave something today as a small step of obedience?" I would have lowered the standard to manipulate the outcome that I desired. However, Jesus so honored this man's decision-making power that even though he was choosing to spend an eternity apart from Christ, with all the pain and sorrow that would come from that, Jesus allowed him to make that choice. That’s how much He respected his ability to make that decision.

Well, if Jesus does that with us, then shouldn't we do that with our kids? Yes, if they're in danger. We have to recognize that we do have a right to speak. But we should also acknowledge that whenever we do speak, there might be consequences to that.

There might be moments in which I say to one of my adult children, "Hey, this is your choice. But I can't live with myself if I don't say this." However, I must recognize that as I say it, the consequence might be that I lose them coming to me next time. Is that big enough for this? Some issues are big enough; most of them are not.

Speaker 2

I had one woman say, if my son marries her 28-year-old son, they will end up in divorce. I know they will.

And I know this sounds crazy for me to say, but I said, but this is his choice. And if he does make that choice and he's a follower of Jesus, like God will use it, he'll meet with him, he'll shape him, and who knows, like, you can't guarantee it will be a divorce.

But if they do get married, how do we know? Maybe God will do something even greater than you anticipate.

Speaker 1

No, absolutely. And the truth of the matter is that even the people we love have a right and an ownership to make wrong choices.

And we can't steal that humanity away from them as much as it's going to hurt us and break us whenever they make those foolish choices.

We're pastors, we've done weddings like this. We're like, there's no way this is going to work.

Speaker 2

Steve has said that this is doomed to fail.

Speaker 1

But you know what? In the end, it's not my job to make this marriage work. It's their job to make it work.

It's my job to love them and support them along the way in the process.

And so we have to just honor the decision-making ownership of other people in the same way that we want ours honored as well.

Speaker 2

I think one of the questions I ask myself is why do I want to get into that lane?

And you know what it is? A lot of times when it comes to our kids, I worry about them when they're suffering and they're going through hard things, and I don't want to worry.

Speaker 3

You're saying it's more about you than them?

Speaker 2

I think it's that part of me that I stress out so much. If they're sad, if they're hurting, and it weighs on me, I need to keep giving it over to Jesus. Like, just make the right decision.

Speaker 1

And you love them?

Speaker 2

I love them so much.

Speaker 1

This comes from a good place and a good intention in most areas, not every area, but in most areas. So we don't have to shame ourselves for wanting to do this, for wanting to inject ourselves in their lives. I mean, I think all the time, 17 and 20, if you would just shut up and do what I say, your life would be so much better. I mean, seriously. Right?

But would it? Because even if they get these decisions right and they're big decisions, there's going to be a day where I'm not here. So what's more important actually is for them to learn how to make decisions, which we can only learn in part by making mistakes. The prayer that I have for my kids all the time is just, "Lord, just don't let their mistakes be too costly." There's going to be mistakes and there's going to be a cost. Just don't make it too costly.

And that then becomes a trust of God. And part of what's going on, Ann, I think, is we love them so much, we don't truly trust God with them.

Speaker 2

That's it.

Speaker 1

We want to take God's place instead of saying, "I'm going to play my part, and you know what, that's between them and God, how that plays out."

And I'm going to be here to love and support along the way.

But ultimately, they're responsible to God for whatever they're doing.

Speaker 3

You know, one of the areas we all know this really plays out in because we've been talking about adult kids, but when your kids are teenagers, like you have a 17-year-old and they're in sports or they're in school, whatever. I coached high school football for 12 years. The number of parents that came to me to tell me their son should be starting instead of, you know what I mean? And I'm going to remove them from the team because you guys don't see how good he is.

It's unbelievable how they get involved and they can't let their son not be the best when it could be the best thing for them because it's going to motivate them. All these different things is that partly they're getting out of their lane in that area. I mean, it happens, not just in sports; it happens in everything.

Now in college, they're leaving schools to go to another school because I'm not starting here, I'll go here. Sometimes that's a good decision. Oftentimes, it's like they're just not going to deal with the consequences of not getting what they want.

Speaker 1

Yeah. When it comes to sports, players play, coaches coach, parents, parents, umpires, umpire. Yeah, that's the way it needs to go. That's the lane that each of them need to play. Yeah, right. So I grew up a baseball, I was a pitcher. Could, could. I always love Greg Maddox because I never could throw it fast, but I could place it wherever I wanted to. But there came a point around the age of 15, 16 where you need to be able to throw a curveball and I never could. So I became a great batting practice pitcher. Yeah, right. So I stopped playing and I began to coach. And so I'm 18 years old, I'm coaching 12 year olds and had a great time and my Catcher wanted to learn how to pitch and his dad would always bring him. I never knew where the mom was. Dad would always. And he said, hey, my son wants learned how to pitch. He had a great arm. I said, well, let's stay after practice every time and we'll play and do all that. So we did that. So next to last game of the year, my lineup's made, we're going to play this game, everything's great. Right before the game's supposed to start, the opposing coach comes to me and says, hey, Kevin, one of our guys didn't show up. We're going to have to forfeit. I said, oh my goodness. I said, here, well let's go ahead and play. Everybody's here, let's play, let's have fun. I said, I'll give you one of my kids and you can have a team. We have a team. So we've already won, right? So everything's great. We're up to bat first and you know, we get three outs, whatever. Now it's time for our team to take the field and our pitchers out there ready to warm up. I'm like, why is our pitcher not warming up? Our catcher isn't there. And I'm like, where's our catcher? I'm looking around. I told somebody else, go get the catcher's been. And finally my assistant coach came up, said, hey, your catcher's leaving. I said, what do you mean he's leaving? And I run over and I see and this dad is irate. He's talking to me in ways. I grew up a Baptist kid. I never got to attend a deacons meeting, so I never heard language like this. And so he's just railing me. And the last image I have of this father and son is he is out by the right field foul pole motioning to me how I'm number one in his viewpoint. And he walks out. Come to find out, here's what happened. He thought since the game was forfeited, this is the game where his son should have pitched. And I never thought about it. I'm an 18 year old kid, the lineup was already made. But instead of playing the whole thing out and seeing how it went or even we had a good enough relationship, he actually could have come over to the dugout and said, hey, Kevin, since this game's forfeited, what do you think? But instead of doing that, he took his ball and his son and went home. And I remember thinking to myself, even at the time, all right, his kid's 12, his dad just modeled for his son. How you respond when life doesn't go your way, and when an authority figure makes a decision you do not like, how is that going to work when his son is 16, 17? And so he actually had an opportunity in that moment, let's say I never thought about it, or he brought it to my attention, I said no, he would have the ability to support his son through that whole game. When they get in the car to say, you know what, son? Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes decisions don't go your way. You know what? Your coach is a good guy. We love him. He didn't make a good decision there. And whenever that happens, you play hard. You play the position you've been asked to play. Your opportunity is going to come. Think about the empowering nature. There's only one person in that kid's life that could play that role, and that was that dad. But instead, he didn't like how I was playing my role, and so he tried to play my role. Parents, Parent player plays. Coaches coach, umpires umpire and recognize specifically as a parent. There comes a moment in life where you can only wear one hat. Especially as dads, we coach and we're dad, we wear both hats. Okay? But in certain moments, you can only wear one. And far too many dads try to pick up the coach hat, thinking, I can wear the parent. I can wear the dad hat, too. You can't. Sometimes you just have to be the dad because nobody else can play that role. But feel the empowerment of that role, of what's going on.

Speaker 3

That's good. I mean, that's your lane. Absolutely right. And you're always trying to get into somebody else's lane. Okay, so let's talk about CIA. You mentioned it, but it's fascinating when you understand these words, how they affect the lane we should stay in.

Speaker 2

And the lanes are mine.

Speaker 1

What's mine, what's theirs, what's God's. Yeah. So for many years as a pastor, you know, we're in all sorts of different situations and scenarios. We're in marriage and parenting and civic organizations. CEOs come to us asking for advice how to deal with employees. We're overseeing employees. We're working for a board. So as pastors, we're in a lot of different scenarios. So for many years, I don't fully know how this was developed, but I just finally got to a point, I'd be in a restaurant, somebody. We'd be talking about a situation. I'd take out a napkin, draw two lines, make three columns, and write what's mine, what's theirs, what's God's? I'd slide across the table. I say, all right, let's use this framework to look at this situation. And at minimum, it will show you your next step. It's not going to solve everything, but it will show you your next step. And everybody will look at me like, that's the dumbest thing ever. My life's far more complicated than you understand. I'm like, all right, just trust me. Let's walk through the process. What's mine? So we want to control what belongs to me, what is it that I actually own? And I want to control that. What's theirs, what belongs to other people. I can't control it. I want to influence it. I want to be able to have a say that's there. But in the end they get to make the decision. And then ultimately, what's God's? There are some things in life that's just God's stuff. I don't get to control it. I don't even get to influence. I have to accept what's going on. So control, influence, accept. Control, influence, accept. I call that the CIA. You have to know the CIA because the CIA knows you right then. So if you will begin to understand what are the things in life I control and to spend a majority of your time there to influence where you can influence and accept where you can accept. I truly do think you can worry less, love more, and get things done. But here's what tends to happen. We tend to delegate what we control to other people or we think we'll take care of it later because we're so confident in our own ability.

Speaker 2

Like what? Give an example.

Speaker 1

One thing I think about all the time. So I'm there at Bayside Church in California and Ray Johnston is the pastor that is there. And he wrote a book called Hope Quotient years ago. And he is one of the most hope filled person I've ever met in my entire life. One thing Ray says all the time, the number one job of a leader is to be the most encouraged person in every room. And he says, that's your job. You control that. And yet we tend to outsource our sense of hope and encouragement. And how do we do that? Think about it. I live in California, right? I ask people all the time, do you wake up this morning in California excited about what God is doing, where God has planted you, the possibility to be salt and light in the midst of this, this culture? Or do you buy into the cynicism of oh, this is a dark, horrific place. We need to get out of here. We need to go to Tennessee, right, And flee this place and this godforsaken place, right? Well, here's what happened. If you wake up every morning reading scripture, praying to God, being reminded of his sovereign plan of this world, who he has called us to be, your role that's played within that, then when God allows you to wake up in California, you are excited about the opportunity and you are encouraged about the opportunity to influence culture. When you don't do that, and the first thing you do every morning is wake up and scroll your favorite news media and they're sending you an algorithm to irritate you, then you are outsourcing your sense of encouragement to somebody else that doesn't actually want you encouraged because they can't sell you as much. Discouraged people spend far more money than encouraged people. And so you're, you're not controlling what actually belongs to you. So if you're driving down the road today, your sense of hope in who Jesus is, your sense of encouragement in what God is doing in this world today, your own sense of self is fully your responsibility. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, that is yours. You cannot outsource that to somebody else because if you do, you're actually now not staying in your own lane.

Speaker 2

So you're saying, I'm thinking of a woman driving right now or working out and her husband. They are not good like their relationship.

Speaker 3

I think she is talking about this.

Speaker 2

Their relationship is not good. You're saying if you, you can't control him, that's not in your lane. But you're saying, but you can find joy, peace, happiness, the fruit of the spirit, through your relationship with your life.

Speaker 3

You can worry less, love more, and get things done.

Speaker 2

That's true.

Speaker 1

And think about this. And that is your greatest opportunity to influence your husband. Your greatest opportunity to influence your husband is for you yourself to possess and to own what actually belongs to you. To stop trying to own what belongs to him and to, to the best of your ability, grow mature, have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Live that out and bring that to the table. It doesn't guarantee the marriage is going to work out. It doesn't guarantee that he's going to change. It doesn't guarantee any of it. It does guarantee that that is his best opportunity to change. He's seeing it modeled in you. And then that's the best climate in which he's being invited and also challenged. Here's what happens sometimes, whenever we don't stay in our own lane, is it actually takes the opportunity of the other person for them to change away. We don't give them the chance. Why? Because we're controlling it. And so in many relationships, you all have seen this a lot as well, in which the wife is going to say, if I don't do it, the whole family's going to fall apart because he's not doing his job.

Speaker 2

Oh, yeah. If I don't do it a million.

Speaker 1

Times, okay, maybe you're gonna have to let it fall apart.

Speaker 2

This is when you get your napkin, you do the lanes and you say.

Speaker 1

Okay, yeah, in the back of the book, we actually put just a couple blank charts in there that you begin to fill in. Because if you can just learn to work in this framework, there comes a point, you don't even have to write it down. You can just now see it. It's so funny. I'll come up to a stoplight sometimes and I'm in the turn lane, I'm gonna turn left. We're at a stoplight, I'm gonna turn left, right. And all the traffic's coming so quickly, I think so often. All right, If I don't trust that other people are going to do what they're supposed to do, I would be stuck here forever. I'm trusting when that light changes, you're going to stop. I'm trusting that you're going to stay exactly where you're supposed to be. So whenever we first moved to California, last time I was with you, we were both in Arkansas. And so soon after that, I went out to an interview in California. I'll never forget. We landed at the Sacramento airport, got a rental car, we got out on the five, the five, turned in the 80.

Speaker 3

I've been on the five.

Speaker 1

Wow. We're now going six lanes of traffic one direction, six lanes of traffic come the other direction. Remember, I learned how to drive in Fort Smith, Arkansas, on a two lane road with papaw just saying, keep it between the yellow lines and the ditch, like, that's all right. And I remember distinctly thinking to myself, there's no way I'm moving my family here. So two weeks later, I had accepted the job. And so six months after that, my mom comes out. So I go out and pick her up, get on the five, the five turns the 80. Now I'm going 90 miles an hour up six lanes of traffic. My mom turns to me and goes, who have you become? But you know what amazes me about the interstate? System in California. It's not the gridlock, it's not the picture that you tend to get on Thanksgiving weekend of the Five in downtown LA and nothing but red lights. What amazes me is when it works well, how many cars, how much action, activity, how many people can move with a proximity that is literally reach out and touch your neighbor? And do you know the technology that allows that to work? It's paint on concrete. It is literally just simply yellow lines and white dashes on concrete. And me trusting that you're going to stay there and I'm going to stay here. And as long as we do that, we can actually move as quickly as we want to move, as closely as we want to move, and with tremendous speed and success. But the moment one of us gets to a place that we're not supposed to be at all falls apart. I think that's true about life, that as long as I'm owning what I'm supposed to own, trying to influence what other people are doing and accepting what is God, we can move with tremendous speed, unbelievable proximity, and a great respect and cohesion with one another. But the moment one of us swerves out of our lanes, it all falls apart.

Speaker 3

Think about that, too. I mean, in terms of when somebody swerves into my lane on a freeway, I'm irritated. Unless you put your blinker on and you had clear distance, if you sort of don't let me know and you come in, that's exactly what happens in a family. Same thing. We call it road rage, but there's a simmering rage underneath that son or daughter that they may not say it or not, but they're sort of mad. This is my lane. I thought I was an adult. You are literally saying you're not an adult, and I'm going to take over control, no question. And there's an anger that. And like you said earlier, that could sever the relationship for a long time, if maybe forever.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Dan Siegel down at ucla, he's a secular psychologist. He talks about that there are three basic human needs. There's more than this, but there's three basic human needs that I would say God created within us. He would say evolution or whatever. But he talks about how we need to have agency, bonding, and certainty. Agency is. I have a sense of myself. Bonding is I'm in a relationship with somebody else. And certainty is. There's just some predictability about life. So anytime you and I swerve into a lane where we are not supposed to be, we are robbing the other person. Of their agency. We're actually taking away something God has created within them. You and I actually want our kids to have control over their own lives and their own decisions. If nothing else, we're too tired. We don't want that responsibility, but we want to hope that they're going to do it in a God honoring and successful kind of way. Well, that can't happen if you and I do not allow them to actually have the space to make decisions. So I think I would say the reason many of us struggle as parent of adult children with this is because we never got in the habit, whenever they were little, of empowering them to have control over their own lives. And so whether it's helicopter parenting or just anything like that, instead of going, all right, what is it that my child can actually control right now? And how can I hand that over to them and allow them to experience the negative consequences of this if they make a poor decision so that years later when the consequences are so much higher? So what's a bad grade on a test in second grade? What is it that they miss out on playing time? What does that matter? And yet I'm the parent that if we're 20 minutes before practice is supposed to start and my son doesn't have his cleats yet, I go find him because I don't want him to be late. Well, maybe he needs to be late. Maybe he needs to run laps. Maybe he needs to not play in the next game so that he learns I got to take care of myself. So that when he's 38, he then has learned how to take control of his own relationship. And so I think this is a process early on. If I'm a parent, I literally take each child and I write a chart based on them. What's mine? What do I control? I control the climate of the house. I control if they're little, I control who they're spending time with, where they're spending time, where they go to school, if we go to church or not. How much electronic time are we going to have? I control a lot now. What do they have control of? And I want to empower them with as much choice as they can possibly handle to let them begin to experience what it's like to control their own lives. And so, yeah, maybe I'm going to say, you have to wear these five outfits next week. What day do you want to wear each one? Or if it's homework, hey, you got to do this homework. You get to pick which subject you're going to do first. I want to empower as much decision making as possible within them, begin to hand over to them the choices. But then with privileges also come responsibilities. One of my favorite things to do whenever a little kid in our church has a birthday, I'll say, hey, what does a 9 year old get to do that an 8 year old doesn't get to do? And their eyes will kind of light up. They haven't thought about this. And I'll talk about. You get privileges now that you didn't get before, but you also get responsibilities. What's a nine year old responsible for that? An eight year old wasn't responsible for trying to help them. See, you need to take more and more control over your own life.

Speaker 3

So the older they get, obviously I'm still back on the marriage thing.

Speaker 2

Me too. My head's so wrapped around that right now because I'm thinking of all the women I talk to. I'm thinking about me as a young wife. This would have changed me because my happiness, the way I saw it, was determined by Dave's lack of or now am I getting into his lane by doing that? It's kind of up in my head of, he's not doing this. I have to do all this. So I'm thinking through all those arguments and how women are just disappointed. Where does that go? What lane is that?

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's not uncommon. It's a little gender stereotypical. But there's a reason some stereotypes exist. It's not uncommon for women to have a little bit more of an anxious attachment of I desperately need love or I'm nobody. And so we reach women. Some women, I actually have more of an anxious pathway. So it's reversed in our relationship. So we'll reach a little bit faster. We'll get more panicked if things aren't right.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And with a more anxious attachment, we tend to blame others for what's going on. And men, a lot of times will have a little bit more of an avoidant pattern. And ironically, sometimes men will actually take on the blame and be like, yeah, I'm not good enough.

Speaker 2

I've heard that over and over. The man's like, yeah, I am horrible.

Speaker 1

So what they do is they will try to keep their women at a distance, let the woman gets too close and actually sees what a failure they feel like they are. So the woman is now reaching, the man is now pushing away.

Speaker 2

So she's reaching into his lane.

Speaker 1

Well, she's reaching in just for connection, but she's overreaching.

Speaker 2

Oh, I see.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Instead of just Expressing the need that I have.

Speaker 2

She's trying to pull him or manipulate it.

Speaker 1

Could be. Could be as well.

Speaker 2

Exactly.

Speaker 1

Control. That's what I always heard, the control. That's exactly right. And so what needs to happen here is to begin to recognize what is it that I actually do control. And so somebody with like a more anxious pathway needs to learn how do I soothe myself rather than having to have him soothe me. Someone with a more avoidant pathway has to begin to learn how to actually lean on somebody else to get soothing rather than pushing them away because I'm afraid. And so I think some of those insecurities begin to bubble up. And what happens is we spend our entire time fixated on what's going on with somebody else to the exclusion of what we can actually do. Think about John, chapter 21. After the resurrection, Peter's fell Jesus three times. Now they're out fishing, right? So Jesus is on the shore. Eventually the disciples recognize it's Jesus. Peter jumps in the water, swims. The rest of the disciples row their boat ashore. Hallelujah. So here Jesus is cooking breakfast, right? And so finally, Jesus and Peter go on a walk. And you know, it's the great restoration story of Peter, do you love me? Three times? And all that kind of thing. But then the text is something very interesting. It says that Jesus looked at Peter and says, peter, whenever you were young, you went wherever you wanted to go, but now that you're old, somebody else will lead you. And the text says, Jesus told Peter this to tell him how he would die. So think about this. You're on a beach with Jesus having just cooked you breakfast, and he is prophesying the rest of your life. The very first question Peter asks says, seeing John in the distance, Peter goes, what about him? If that isn't the nature of humanity, I don't know what is. We are so fixated on other people that we lose sight of ourselves. And here's the truth. God has given us so much control over our own lives that we really don't have any time to waste on anybody else. Because every second I spend fixated on you is a second I'm not taking care of what I'm actually responsible for. And the list of what I'm responsible for is pretty long. And so, yes, I need to think about other people, no question. How can I influence them, no doubt. But more than anything, what can I actually do? And I think there's a good number of your listeners driving down the road today. They're cleaning dishes or sitting in an Office cubicle and they're listening and they feel powerless. Well, that is a sign that you're not staying in your life. A sense of being. Whenever you are constantly reaching into a lane that is not yours, you're going to fail. And so it's going to feel like you can't do anything to change what's going on. It's because you're operating in the wrong lane. Because there is one thing you have total control of and you can change right now, it's you. And so the more you control what actually belongs to you, the more power filled you will actually become.

Speaker 3

Wow, that's as deep but simple like it's awesome.

Speaker 2

Go ahead, Dave.

Speaker 3

Let me ask this. Is there a sense of all this control, influence and even acceptance of God's lane in my life? Is any of this in your mind as a pastor, Bible student, theologian, related to Genesis 3 and the curse, especially as we even get into the marriage about the wife, your desire will be for your husband. He will rule over you. 3:16, is that underneath this? Is it the foundation? Is that in play here?

Speaker 1

Absolutely. Let's go back to the very original sin, right? The failure of our first parents was an inability to stay in their own lane. I trust God in his creative order and I'm going to do what he has said to do. I'm going to accept with open hands the guidelines that he has given me of how to live within the very thing that he created. And Adam and Eve don't do that. And then you can run the whole argument that Adam wasn't taking care of his responsibility of protecting in any way that Eve was overstepping a boundary now disobeying God, I mean, you can get into all the details of that, but we can see right there in Genesis 3 that very concept. And then we get into Genesis 4 where now Cain and Abel are not appreciating. It's God's right to judge, not our right to judge. And so then they try to take matters in their own hands and you know all the consequences that come from that. And then the rest of the Bible, especially the Old Testament. One way to read Genesis is my friend Kurt Harlow that I work with there at Bayside. One thing he says, he says Genesis is the first book ever written about families.

Speaker 2

It's true.

Speaker 1

How messed up they are.

Speaker 2

So messed up.

Speaker 1

And so Genesis really is just about dysfunctional families. That's what sin has actually done to us. And what happens is you now see this total confusion. And so some families get too enmeshed to where they are so much in each other's business. There's no identity between who they actually are. Some become so disconnected, they lose all sense of influence in what's going on and the role of support and encouragement that they're actually supposed to play. So I would say from a theological standpoint, All Stay in youn Lane is. Is the simplest, most Arkansas intelligent kind of way of interpreting the practical realities of what happened when sin entered the world, why it entered the world, and what happened from it. And we are still experiencing this anxiety, this lack of love, love, the sense of stuckness, because we don't truly trust God to do what God is supposed to do. And then we don't take responsibility for what we're supposed to do. And then we don't respect the agency of other people. Wow.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And it's interesting, you know, when you were talking about marriage. Our story fits that in terms of. In fact, Anne's last book is based on the idea that she was reaching out an attachment to me to make her feel loved. If you do this, this and this. And telling me what to do. So there's the control part that I felt. And so I avoided by running to my job ministry, where everybody's going, you're amazing. I come home and it's like, you're not amazing. Okay, I'll see you later. And so there was this avoidant thing. And it was. In a sense, it's the stay in your lane.

Speaker 2

Well, and I think that takes us to God's Lane. I think that's the thing that has transformed me the most, is when you discover who God is, what he says is true, what he says about me, what he says about us. And when I'm in His Word continually, that begins to shape everything. Because when I'm not focused on him, when I'm not surrendered, when I'm not talking to Him, I automatically. It's like my car is now, my steering is not right, and I veer into Dave's Lane or my kid's lane or somebody else that I try to control. It's just this. That's what I do. That's my natural tendency if I don't have my eyes on Jesus.

Speaker 1

Yeah, two things on that. One. Let's go back to your book of Speak life.

Speaker 2

How to speak life to your husband. Then all you want to do is yell at Him.

Speaker 1

Who controls that? You do.

Speaker 2

I do.

Speaker 1

You always had control of it. You didn't recognize it.

Speaker 2

Right.

Speaker 1

What happened is.

Speaker 2

And I didn't know the power of It.

Speaker 1

Yes, yes. And so think about this. And the very thing you wanted came the moment you stopped trying to get it the way you were trying to get it.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

And started doing what you could actually control and do. And suddenly it's such a tragic thing. We've seen it as pastors all the time of the very outcome we desire, our activity often prevents. And so you begin to speak life. You control that. Your choice. Well, the next thing you know, you've created a climate where it's safe for Dave to come into.

Speaker 2

It's like a greenhouse.

Speaker 1

Yes. And now you're getting this connection that you've always desired. That's what was actually happening before when you were shouting out, you were shouting out your pain. You want, can I see me look connected. That's what happens to us is our pain is so great we don't know how to communicate it. So we actually unintentionally inflict it upon others in hopes that they will say, oh, this is what you feel like. But obviously they don't feel that now. They feel their own pain and they want to run from it to protect themselves. And so first and foremost in your comments, which I thought were so beautiful, is you took control of what you controlled and that made a huge difference. Now let's get into the idea of God's lane. Think about how difficult this word is. Accept. That's the sticking point. How, how can I accept things I don't like, outcomes I don't desire, choices that I didn't make? How can I accept that? There's only one way. There is such a tremendous trust in who we're accepting does actually control that. The more we are in God's word, the more we understand who he is and what he's doing, the more we recognize God, you are trustworthy. And so I can, I can accept. I tell the story in the book. We were talking at lunch about this. So I have a 20 year old with down syndrome. And it came. She was born at a time just right before the technology could pick it up prenatally. Matter of fact, I remember when the test came back, we were a rare false negative. When the doctor came in and said, hey, we did all these tests, she does not have this, this doesn't have down syndrome, doesn't have this, all those kind of things, right? So Ella is born, our first child. So exciting. All these things are happening. The doctors don't immediately tell us. They want us to enjoy and celebrate the child that we now have. And family comes in. I'll never Forget my mom holding my daughter in her arms. My mom is weeping. I'm thinking she's just moved by the fact that her son has a child. Maybe she was crying, thinking, I never thought my son would have a wife, right? I'm just excited, whatever it was. Come to find out, my mom taught school for 40 years. She knew Hella had Down syndrome. She knew I didn't, right? So late Friday night, my pediatrician comes in at 9:30 at night. And I say my pediatrician meaning literally. He was my pediatrician growing up as a kid. He was also my next door neighbor. It's a small town. He was my mechanic. He'd do all sorts of things. And so he came in and I honestly thought he was just there because he wanted to play golf early the next morning. Because many times he and I would play golf early on Saturday morning. But he picked up Ellen and he started talking. And then I got a sense of, I'm a pastor. I've sat in rooms like this too many times. I knew something was wrong. He beautifully communicated Ella's condition. I've heard so many horror stories of how poorly it was done. He did. Dr. Cheshire did a tremendous job. And then he just began to say, but hey, there are a few things I do see. I see how her pinky is turned inward. Her ears are set lower. Her eyes are more oval. Her nose is smaller. This crease that's in her hand, notice the space between her big toe and her small toe. And he just pointed out. And finally he said, these are all classic characteristics of down syndrome. I am confident Ella has Down syndrome. He sat there to answer every question we had to ask. He just was masterful in everything that he did. And finally he concluded the visit. He took Ella back to the nursery. I walked him out. He said, man, I'll be back by tomorrow. I can do anything. Please let me know. And I walk back into the room. And now I walk over to Jenny, who had been in labor for 24 hours, who was not able to get an epidural because Ella had such a low heart rate, first pregnancy, had no idea that it was an option, that she wouldn't get an epidural, and just exhausted, tired at the most depleted of who Jenny actually is. And she says to me, kevin, this is a road we never would have chosen to go down. But I bet you we never regret going down it. With empty, open, trembling, weak, feeble, tired hands, she accepted the choice that God had given her with a hope and an expectation. And now notice in that that Actually begin to take possession of. So here's now what we control. God has chosen the song that was in my mind that night that led from the very beginning of the birth. That was back in a time where 2005, where musicians were rewriting old hymns. And I remember that night, as we were headed to the hospital, I was all nervous about, am I going to throw up? I don't want to say something foolish, right? And I remember the song, the old hymn coming to my mind of so shall this night soon end in joy. And just thinking through the whole time that I don't know what's between now and then, but this night's going to end in joy. We're going to have a child, right?

Speaker 2

Even her name. Share about, like your expectation with her name.

Speaker 1

Ella is my grandmother's name, But Ella Katherine Thompson, I thought would look beautiful in a book. That was my idea. I thought, man. So I had all these expectations, right? Ella Katherine Thompson, that's going to look beautiful on a book. So we go to the hospital. So shall this night soon end. Joy. Jenny's in so much pain. He can't get the epidural. Things are not. It's going longer than we expected. So shall this night soon end in joy. And at one point during the delivery, I made the mistake during delivery in that I became too fascinated with the delivery process. It was like the Discovery Channel without pixelation. And I was kind of having fun. Matter of fact, Jenny would later say, kevin, you did a tremendous job pastoring the doctor through that delivery. Because I'm kind of down there in the action. I remember the doctor at one point said, all right, here's what has to happen now. Now is Ella's actually going to push underneath this bone and she's going to lift up her head, which was in that old hymn, that God will lift up your head. And I thought, oh, my goodness, it's so beautiful, right? All these things. So now, after the night is finally done, Jenny and I have our moment. I now go to sleep on this couch that's, you know, I'm six three. It's made for somebody who's five, two. And obviously I wouldn't have slept anyway, first child. But I'm sitting there, laying there on the couch, and then the rest of the hymn. Hit me, me. Leave to his sovereign sway to choose and to command and then shall you, wandering on his way, know how high and how great is his name. You think about that, that in the end, it is the plan of God over our lives that is far Greater than any of us could ever even begin to imagine. And life is found in acceptance. But as soon as we accept his sovereign control of our lives, now we grasp hold of the life that he has given us and said, okay, God, I now want to make everything I can from this life. And to that extent that we can accept what he has chosen and yet control what belongs to us, then we can have a far different experience in this world.

Speaker 3

But it's so hard.

Speaker 2

But it's so good.

Speaker 3

I mean, it's just hard when life does not go the way you want. Especially as a, you know, a family and a mom and a dad and your son or your daughter is making bad choices. And some of them are, you know, in the lane of God's. God's in control. You step over there.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 3

And you basically mess it all up.

Speaker 2

Well, and we blame God.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

This.

Speaker 1

You.

Speaker 2

This was you on you.

Speaker 1

God, yes.

Speaker 2

Like, you went into that birth with high expectations and hope and excitement. And there's a part of you that could have, like. Jenny's response is incredibly beautiful and miraculous. And some people don't have that same response. I know a dad who left the hospital when he found out his son had downs and his wife was left alone and it took him a day to come back. And so I think there's a part of him that was like, really, God, this was your lane, and you did this to me. And yet now he would still say, as I have accepted and yielded and surrendered. Oh, now I see. But I think there's a lot of us that we haven't done the acceptance part. How do you think we do that?

Speaker 1

Well, and I do. I want to clearly recognize immediately that down syndrome is such a different diagnosis and different situation than so many other people. And this is something much easier to accept and celebrate. I mean, Ella is just full of so much life and energy and so many of your listeners are going through situations that they're desperate. And the pain and the sorrow, especially.

Speaker 2

When it's health of a loved one or maybe a death, and we have no control of that. We look at that as. That's God's.

Speaker 1

Yeah, no, absolutely. And it is. Ultimately he does control those things, and there just has to become this trust. But again, it comes back to this concept that we have a savior who has suffered with us, who weeps for us, and he knows. And because of that bigger picture, even when we don't understand how he is going to work everything out for our good and for his glory, in the end, we trust that God, you're going to make this happen. I don't get it right now. I was preaching yesterday at Bayside and we were talking about there in Ephesians one of how the mystery is that God was going to bring all things in unity under Christ. And I use the old preacher illustration. You probably used it, too, Dave. Our lives are like a jigsaw puzzle that's been tossed down. There's a thousand pieces everywhere, and it doesn't. None of it makes any sense. But literally what do you do is you prop the picture up of the box and you begin to set the big pieces in place and you do the edges. And then, because the picture is there, you compare each piece to the picture. And some pieces, it doesn't look like they compare, but if you kind of begin to attach the ones that do, there comes this magical moment before every piece is in place, there comes this magical moment where I don't know where this piece fits, but I know I'm going to know because enough of it's been filled in. And what's interesting to me is the moment that comes, you actually have what we would consider peace. I'm no longer in chaos. Doesn't mean I know how this fits. It means that I know I'm going to know how it is because I have such trust in the process of how it's worked otherwise. And I think Ephesians shows us now that Jesus is the picture. And the longer you follow after Jesus and begin to set the big corner pieces of your life and the edges, it frames everything in. And then you begin to put things in their place and they make sense and they fit together. Even when there's. I think, even at my death, I'm going to have some pieces in my life that still I don't know where they go. And then I think, whenever I see Jesus face to face, he's not even going to have to tell me. I'm going to be like, oh, they go right here. And the next thing you know, every single piece of my life, I think God is going to knit together to begin to show his image. Whereas I tend to think, no, this piece doesn't work. I need to change out this piece. I need to hide this piece under the table, right? No, no. God wants to redeem every aspect of our lives and some questions we are going to have until we see him face to face. But those questions are actually few. The bigger things in life we can actually find right now in submission to Him. Here's what my task is. I trust him to take care of it. And life will be found down this road far more than any road of my own choosing.

Speaker 3

Hey, before we wrap up today, I just want to say thanks for listening, watching and sharing family life today. And an extra big thanks to those of you who support us financially. Your support helps bring hope to families worldwide and we honestly couldn't do it without you. If you want to team up with us to help support this ministry, we'd be honored to have you in our corner. Just visit familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-today to give. Okay, let's wrap up this conversation.

Speaker 2

Do you think people that have their eyes on Jesus, that are focused on him, but they're staying in their lane and they're not controlling? Are they more content?

Speaker 1

No, there's no question. Well, I know I am.

Speaker 2

Are you?

Speaker 1

But let's face it, here's the funny thing. How often do I fail this? One of Jenny's favorite comments. One of Jenny's favorite comments is to look at me and go, didn't you write stay in your lane as I'm helicopter parenting my 17 year old? Right. But what happens is there's consequences that come from that. And what the book does for me is remind myself of, oh yeah, you know better than this. Of course this is going to be the outcome of what is going on. So absolutely, I do think, I think not to overly sell this by anyone way, you want the fruit of the spirit, stay in your lane in a God honoring God perspective kind of way. But control what, and let's use biblical language, steward over what God has given you, stewardship over primarily yourself. Be salt and light to those who are around you, not stripping them of their own humanity. And now, in humble faith, trust God to be God. And I guarantee you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control will not be far behind.

Speaker 2

Well, you guys, I'm sitting here thinking, when I think of just the first four, love, joy, peace and patience. I'm gonna say this when I don't have that, and maybe you as a listener, if you don't have love, joy, peace or patience. So what would the opposites of those be?

Speaker 1

I mean, the opposite of love would probably be apathy. Yeah. The opposite now of joy could be skepticism. The opposite of peace would be chaos or anxiety. Yeah, anxiety. The opposite of patience is dangerous angry.

Speaker 2

When he's driving. But I think as a listener, think of those words and if you're not feeling the love, joy, peace, patience, then you're feeling the opposite of those. And my question is, are you in your lane? And I think that's what you're proposing, Kevin, is like, I'm looking at that myself. When I'm not in my lane. I do not have the fruit of the spirit. I'm not exhibiting the fruit of the spirit in my life.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

And then when I'm not like that, you know what I do? I pull everybody else out of their lanes.

Speaker 1

I think it's a great thing to ask the question whenever you don't see that fruit exhibited in your life. The very first question I would ask myself is, what am I not taking responsibility for? Okay. Second, what am I trying to take responsibility for? That actually isn't mine. What am I owning? That isn't mine? So in the book, I talk about this. I want you to own everything that belongs to you, but nothing else. But how often as parents do we own the failures of our children? How often as spouses do we own the failures of our spouse? And then we take on that shame and that guilt, and we feel like we're supposed to do something about it, but there's nothing we can do. And we know that internally. But then we strive after activity that doesn't work, and that's how we get stuck.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And think about this. Just the exhaustion of it.

Speaker 2

It's exhausting.

Speaker 1

That's the problem, is trying to control the lives of other people truly is exhausting.

Speaker 2

It's exhausting.

Speaker 1

And then they don't appreciate our gift to them and trying to control their lives.

Speaker 2

And yet when you offer it and you accept and you go to God, he gives you a peace that surpasses all understanding and will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.

Speaker 3

What a beautiful concept.

Speaker 1

I would say most people who read the book. Book. Buy the book, look at the book, pick it up, read it. Their first thought is, oh, man, look at that. I know. Who needs to read this? My hope is that they buy it with the intention of somebody else reading it. And as they read it, they recognize, oh, even that desire was a sign that I needed this. That's my hope.

Speaker 2

Totally. I love it. I think it's really good. And it's really convicting, too. I've been convicted reading this last night and today.

Speaker 3

Who doesn't want to worry less, love more, and get things done? Stay in your lane. Familylife today.com. click on the link in the show notes. Get a bunch for your 10 friends that need this and maybe one for you too. Thanks, man. This has been great.

Speaker 1

Hey, thank you so good.

Speaker 2

I'm gonna. I'm gonna have to fill out the very back. What's mine. What's.

Speaker 3

I'll fill it out for you.

Speaker 1

I got that.

Speaker 2

Hey, thanks for watching. And if you like this episode, you better like it. Just hit that, like button, and we'd.

Speaker 3

Like you to subscribe. So all you got to do is go down and hit the subscribe. I can't say the word subscribe. Hit the subscribe button. I don't think I can say this.

Speaker 2

Word like, and subscribe.

Speaker 1

Look at that.

Speaker 3

You say it so easy. Subscribe. There it goes.