FamilyLife Today®

Dave Wilson: Do you know the love languages of our three boys?

Ann Wilson: I think so.

Dave Wilson: C.J., number one?

Ann Wilson: C.J.’s gifts, no doubt. He is gifts.

Dave Wilson: He is still gifts. He’s always been gifts.

Ann Wilson: I feel like for people, that’s an easy one to give in terms of they’re gifts, so it’s just like, “Oh, I’m going to get this for him.” And he’s so—

Dave Wilson: I’m gifts too. I like that. Keep going.

Ann Wilson: No, you’re not gifts. I think Austin is time. I think he is just like time with you is well spent. And then I think Cody is words of affirmation. And I think you are words of affirmation.

Dave Wilson: I think I’m all five. Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I’m Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: We’ve got Gary Chapman in the studio today with us, the author of *The 5 Love Languages*. We were just talking thirty-some years ago it came out, Gary, but welcome back to FamilyLife Today.

Gary Chapman: Well, thank you. Always good to be back with you guys.

Dave Wilson: We were just talking about how that book has changed our life, our marriage, our parenting, and millions of others. And I’m not exaggerating. Tens of millions of others, which is unbelievable that God has blessed it in such a way that it sold a bunch in year one, but it’s still selling more and more each year.

Gary Chapman: I’m amazed at how God has used that book. As you’re right, every year it sells more than the year before. It’s been translated now and published in over fifty languages around the world. I think it’s on the human scene because this is one of our deepest emotional needs, is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives.

If you’re married, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. That book, the first book, original, was just talking about the marriage relationship. So I think people read it and the lights come on and they realize, “Oh, that’s what happened. We weren’t speaking the right language.” And then they want their brother and his wife to read it. It’s kind of gone word of mouth all over the world.

Ann Wilson: I remember when the book came out, talking to my older brother. We both were raised by the same mom and dad, and my brother said, “I feel so loved by my mom and dad and it’s amazing. They always took us places, they did things for us, they did this and they did that.”

I was in my twenties. I was going through a phase of really struggling with feeling unloved by my parents. I remember saying to that brother, “I don’t even know how you can say that. They never told us they loved us. They never touched us. How do you feel like that?” He said, “Who cares about that? They showed us.” The light bulb went off, like, “Oh, it’s because my love language is different than his.”

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. When couples get that in the marriage, they begin connecting and they fill up each other’s love tank. The same principle, of course, is true in parent-child relationships. And that’s why, I remember a young thirteen-year-old, he’d run away from home.

He ended up in my office and he said to me, “My parents don’t love me. They love my brother, they don’t love me.” I knew his parents. I knew they loved him. The problem was they had never discovered his love language and they weren’t speaking his love language. They were sincere. They did love him, but he wasn’t getting it emotionally. And that’s why this is so important in terms of parent-child relationships.

Dave Wilson: Gary, how did this even come to you?

Gary Chapman: It came out of my counseling. They would sit in my office over and over again, and one of them would say, “I just feel like he doesn’t love me,” and the other one would say, “Well, I don’t know why you wouldn’t feel loved. I do this, this, this, and this. Why wouldn’t you feel loved?” I knew people were sincere and missing each other.

So I actually read through twelve years of notes that I made. When someone said, “I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,” what did they want? What were they complaining about? And their answers fell into five categories, and I later called them the five love languages. I started using it in my counseling. If you want her to feel loved, you’ve got to speak her language. If you want him to feel loved, you’ve got to speak his language. I’d help couples discover their love language, challenge them to go home and try it, and sometimes they’d come back in three weeks and say, “Gary, this is changing everything.”

So that’s where it came from. Later, of course, I wrote *The 5 Love Languages of Children* for parents of elementary-age kids, and then later *The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers*. Because people would ask me, “Well now, when they get to be teenagers, does their love language change?”

I said I don’t think it changes, but you have to learn new dialects of whatever their language is because what you’ve been doing, they now consider childish. So if words of affirmation is their language, you’ve got to get some new words. You can’t say, “You sweet little thing. I just love you so sweet.” That’s kid stuff. “Don’t talk like that to me.” You’ve got to get more adult words.

And the same thing with physical touch. You demonstrated this in a program we were talking about before when you said your twelve-year-old, thirteen-year-old says, “Don’t, don’t, don’t touch me.” When they’re nine and ten, you can go out on the field with them and you can hug them after the game in front of everybody. They just eat it up. You do that when they’re a teenager, they go, “Mom, don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that.” They still need touch.

Ann Wilson: And so what happens, Gary, though, what we do as parents is we pull away. We stop doing it. You’re saying you just have to shift it.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. If touch is their language, they still need touch. You just do it in private. And you maybe give them high-fives instead of hugging them every time.

And another factor with teenagers is the emotional part of the brain in the teenage years is super active. So they’re going like a roller coaster. In the morning, if their language is physical touch, you can probably hug them and they’ll just hug you back. In the afternoon, you try to hug them, they say, “Oh no, no, no, don’t do that.” Because you don’t know what’s happened during the day. Their emotions are affected by their circumstances. They had a bad day or something happened today, and they just don’t want to be touched right now. So we have to be sensitive to that. But I don’t think the love language changes in the teenage years, but I do think you have to learn new ways of expressing, which I call dialects, new dialects of their language.

Dave Wilson: You’ve written about it, *Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager*. Let’s walk through those five. In fact, we had some fun before you came in here, Gary. Our team put together the five love languages that teenagers show toward their parents. And I might have thrown in a little help as well. Teens throw back sarcasm, eye rolls, procrastination, know-it-all-ism, or hiding behind my phone. Here’s an extra sixth one, the bonus one is the dad joke under-appreciation love language. They don’t appreciate our dad jokes anymore. Anyway, those are just jokes.

Gary Chapman: I wouldn’t call those love languages, but I would say they’re true.

Ann Wilson: Yes, and every parent just heard those and thought, “Yes, yes, yes. How do I get beyond that from my teen?” But you’ve already talked about physical touch with a teenager being different than with a ten-year-old or five-year-old. Words of affirmation. How would you edit that or have a different dialect as they hit the teen years?

Gary Chapman: I think in the teenage years, you have to use more adult words to them. They need affirming words, but you’re looking for things about them. “I noticed at the ball game the other night when John missed that shot, you went over there and you encouraged him. You know he felt badly about missing the shot. That’s good, man, when you give an encouraging word to somebody. That’s just super.”

So you look for things that they’re doing that you can really affirm. You wouldn’t have said that when they were five years old, but you’re saying it now. You’re looking for things that they’re involved in now and affirming them for things that they’re doing now. Or to say, “I really appreciate you taking the trash out. That was very meaningful to me.” Just looking for things around the house that the teens are doing that you can affirm them for. So I think it’s just looking for different kind of words.

Dave Wilson: Now with the words, how do you balance truth-telling? Sometimes it’s going to come out negative or harsh, but they’re teenagers. They’re making poor decisions at times. You need to speak non-affirming words at times. How do you balance that?

Ann Wilson: Let’s give an example. Let’s say this teenager’s in the kitchen. It feels like every time they’re in the kitchen, they leave a huge mess. Everything’s out. They made a sandwich, the bread’s out, all the cupboards are open. There’s junk everywhere, and then they leave their dishes in the other room.

Dave Wilson: That can’t be one of our kids.

Gary Chapman: I think what you do is you affirm them for something that is positive about them. You say, “John, I just want to share this with you. I appreciate the fact that you...” and you tell them something that you really appreciate about them. “Can I just give you one suggestion that would make you even better?” And then you tell them the thing that you think would make them better about leaving stuff in the kitchen.

So I think that way you’ve affirmed them. Like with adults I’m talking to, I say if a wife’s going to bring up something that her husband needs to change, tell him three things you like about him first. And then tell him.

Ann Wilson: Does he ever go, “Okay, okay, it’s coming. What’s number four?” But you’re saying it still helps.

Gary Chapman: It’s exactly what God did. Remember in Revelation 2, the church at Ephesus, God said, “You’re doing great at this and this and this,” told them three things they were doing right.

Dave Wilson: Serving the poor, caring for the needy, and then you’ve lost your first love.

Gary Chapman: So it’s a principle. To do that with teenagers just like you would do it with your spouse. Tell them two or three things you like about them and then say, “Here’s one thing that would make you much, much better, or something that I would really, really appreciate.”

Dave Wilson: Now if you say the one thing and they go, “All you ever do is critique,” and they eye-roll, and you’re sitting there thinking, “I just said three positives and one negative.” Do you just keep coming back with the positive?

Gary Chapman: First of all, you let that response go. You don’t clobber them on the head for having that kind of response. They’re being human. You let that response go. They’re going to walk away and they’re going to think about those three things you told them. And they’re going to think about what you asked them to do and probably they’ll do it. But if you come down on them for getting upset, then you’ve lost the three positives.

Ann Wilson: And you’ve ended the conversation. But I think that’s a great principle in our homes. And we’ve said this before, but start looking for the good. That really makes an impact.

Dave Wilson: I was just thinking, we’ve already talked about physical touch, but I know as a dad of three sons, when they were little boys, physical touch felt easy to me. I didn’t grow up with a dad that was even in my home, so I didn’t really have that. But when they were boys, I’m jumping in the bed with them, we’re crawling around on the floor, on the trampoline, I’m hugging them, I’m kissing them on the cheek.

Ann Wilson: You’re wrestling.

Dave Wilson: I remember as they became men, fourteen, fifteen, and you got close to their cheek and there was a beard starting. It felt awkward. It’s like, “Oh.” And it wasn’t even on them as much as on me, like, “Oh, do I hug him like I did when they were kids?” Well, it’s going to be different. But I felt myself pulling back, like man to man, it’s more of a fist bump, which obviously is okay. But they still want physical touch, right?

Gary Chapman: Just in the right place and the right time. And I think here, since you mentioned that, a lot of fathers of teenage daughters will pull back from hugging them or kissing them on the cheek because they’ve heard so much about sexual abuse and they don’t want to do anything wrong here and they pull back.

If their language is physical touch, I say to those fathers, “If you don’t give them hugs, they’ll find an eighteen-year-old boy who will.” Don’t draw back. Don’t draw back. Now certainly the sexual abuse thing, there’s no place for that in a relationship. But giving them hugs, particularly if this is their language, giving them hugs and giving them a kiss on the cheek, they still need that from you.

Ann Wilson: What was your daughter? Was it awkward as she started to mature, as she’s becoming a woman? Do you remember that phase?

Gary Chapman: Her language was quality time, and I really focused on that. I did hug her and kiss her, but not as often as I would if I’d known physical touch was her thing. But she would always want to take walks with me after dinner. That was her favorite request: “Dad, can we take a walk after dinner?”

Ann Wilson: That’s so sweet.

Gary Chapman: And we walked through the neighborhood and talked about everything. She loved it. And I would take her out once a month to breakfast by herself. Of course, I did the same thing with my son even though that was not his language. But she looks back and says, “Dad, those breakfasts that we had together and the walks that we took together, that’s what I remember. That’s the highlight of what I remember.”

Kids will remember that. And if you don’t speak their primary language, they’ll also remember. “Dad, you never touched me. You never hugged me.” So it’s important to learn the love language of the teenager.

Ann Wilson: And how would we do that with a teen if we’ve never heard any of this and we have a teenager? How do we go about finding what it is?

Gary Chapman: Three simple ways. One is to observe their behavior. How do they respond to you and other people? If you hear them affirm other people verbally, then that’s probably their language. If you see them giving gifts, then that’s probably their language. If you see them spending quality time with someone else, then that’s probably their language. So look at their behavior.

And then secondly, what do they complain about most often? The complaint reveals the love language. If they complain that “Dad never comes to my ball games, Dad’s never here to talk with me, Dad never takes a walk with me, Dad never takes me fishing, Dad never...” they’re complaining that they don’t have any quality time with their dad. We get irritated with their complaints, but they’re really giving us valuable information. Listen to their complaints.

And then what do they request most often? My daughter was asking me to take walks with her. My son never would walk with me. He said walking is dumb; you’re not going anywhere. If you’re going somewhere, drive. He would request, “Dad, can we shoot some baskets after dinner?” And the way we shot baskets, we would touch each other in the process.

So you put those three things together, you can pretty well figure out a teenager’s love language. But you can also go online and take a free quiz. The teenager can take a free quiz at 5LoveLanguages.com, the number five. 5LoveLanguages.com. There’s a quiz for married couples, there’s a quiz for single adults, and there’s a quiz for teenagers.

Ann Wilson: I remember when one of our sons, when he was a toddler, he was so clingy. I needed to hold him while I’m making dinner. I have to hold him when I’m doing things. But he would constantly, as he’s whining—that whining, and I’m trying to get dinner—but he would constantly say, “Mom, play with me. Mom, play with me. Mom, play with me.”

I’m thinking I don’t have time to play with you. I’ve all kinds of things to do. But after reading your book, I remember thinking I just need to give him my focused attention even if it’s for fifteen minutes. At a certain time of day, I would say, “Let’s spend fifteen minutes together, just me, just you, and let’s just play.”

It was amazing how that changed the atmosphere. I’d give him that time and then he was content. He’d play on his own, he’d do other things, and he wasn’t nearly as needy of needing me or having me hold him. I thought that was really helpful to see what they’re complaining about or what they need.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. Parents can learn the child’s love language by the time they are three or four years old by observing their behavior. My son’s love language is physical touch. When he was that age, I would come home in the afternoon and he would run to the door, grab my leg, and climb all over me. He’s touching me because he wants to be touched.

Our daughter never did that. At that age, she would say, “Daddy, come to my room. I want to show you something.” She wanted quality time. She wanted my undivided attention. So it’s there very early for parents of young children. The love language is there very early and you can discover it simply by observing their behavior.

Ann Wilson: Another great day with Gary Chapman and I guarantee it was life-changing for people.

Dave Wilson: His book is called *Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager*. So it’s a great book to pick up. And you can get your copy by clicking the link in the show notes. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com. What about special gifts or gifts? Some of us as parents would say every teenager, that’s all they want, buy them stuff. But obviously that’s not true. How do you respond to a teenager where that’s their love language?

Gary Chapman: I think this love language, gifts, can be tricky because there is no question about it: in our culture, teens are driven for things. I say to the parent, if their love language is gifts, don’t think that you have to give them everything they ask for. You’re the parent. You give them gifts you think would be good for them.

That’s what God does for us. God doesn’t give us everything we ask for. I’m grateful for that. He gives us what He thinks is good for us. And so don’t let the teenager manipulate you and say, “Well, if you really loved me, you know this is my love language and you would buy me the...” No, don’t let them manipulate you. When they do that, you say, “Honey, I love you too much to give you that right now. I don’t think you’re ready for that. Maybe in another year or two, but you’re not ready for that right now. And I love you too much to give that to you.”

But find out things in which they are interested. If they’re into sports, for example, and there’s some cards they collect, you keep your eye out for cards that would be interesting for them. Whatever their interest is, you keep that in mind. They don’t have to be expensive things. If gifts is their language, you can pick up a stone in a city parking lot and give it to a fifteen-year-old boy and say, “Hey man, I found this today and I thought about you. Look at the colors here, man.” If gifts is his language, when he’s twenty-three, you will find that stone in his dresser drawer and he’ll remember the day you gave it to him. So it’s just things that say, “I was thinking about you and I want you to have this.”

Ann Wilson: One of our son’s love language is gifts, and he remembers every single Christmas gift. I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember what I got two days ago, but he remembers every gift. As we started discovering this, he was a teenager, I think he was turning sixteen. Dave and I were going to be out of town for his birthday; we felt so bad.

But he’d been wanting a game system, this video game system for ages. We had finally saved some money; we thought this is going to be the year we give it. So we had a pro athlete, because Dave was the chaplain for the Detroit Lions, who lived close to us. We had wrapped this game system up in a nice little package, and we had Luther Ellis go to the door where C.J. was in class in high school, knocked on the door, and said, “Happy Birthday, C.J.,” and handed him this gift in school in class. The teacher let it happen. He will never forget that because he liked gaming and he’d been waiting for a long time to get this game system. He still talks about it.

Dave Wilson: Now at Christmas time, gifts will show up from Amazon or whatever on our front porch. I’m like, “What is this?” He goes, “Oh, C.J. already bought his Christmas present from us.” So they just come to our house so we can wrap them up and give them to him.

Ann Wilson: But still, we still can get him things. And you’re right, it could be something that’s not that expensive, but something that we’ve watched him and we know this would be meaningful. And he’s so grateful. Where other kids might look at it and think, “Oh, thanks,” but for him, it’s a big deal.

Gary Chapman: Oh yeah, it’s huge.

Dave Wilson: What about—we haven’t talked about acts of service. It’s the only one I think we have left.

Gary Chapman: Acts of service is doing something for the teenager that you know they would like for you to do. We do this when they’re children; you have to speak this language when they’re little because they can’t do anything. So we do everything for them.

As they get to be teenagers, we also speak this language by teaching them to do things for themselves. So you take their interest. If they’re interested, for example, in cooking, then you spend time teaching them how to cook. That is a huge act of service.

Our granddaughter at the age of fourteen could cook a full meal. From that point on, she cooked every one of her birthday cakes because she wanted to decorate it her way. So teaching them to do things for themselves. I encourage parents to think in terms of, what would I like my children to be able to do by the time they’re eighteen years old? Because at eighteen, typically they’re going off to college or they’re going to join the military or they’re going to get a job. We hope they’re going to do something.

So by the time they get to be eighteen, what would you like for them to know how to do? And let the teenager tell you things that they would like to learn how to do. Maybe they’d like to learn how to change a tire on a car. They’re not going to learn that at university or in the military. So whatever their interest is, teach them to do these things.

I was speaking to a group of professional football players some time ago, and around the table there were four or five couples. One of them said, “Dr. Chapman, you know, here’s the thing. We’ve been thinking about what are we going to do when we age out of football because only thing we know how to do is play football. Ever since we were kids, that’s all we’ve known how to do.” Every one of them chimed in with the same thing. One of them said, “I’m teaching my son how to run a lawnmower because I never learned.”

So this language is spoken not only by doing things for the teenager—and certainly there would be things you could do for them—but also teaching them to do things that they would like to learn how to do themselves.

Dave Wilson: We’ve been around a three-year-old grandson a lot the last few days. We both know this about him: if we have a job to do, he wants to be right with us. So we said, “Hey, Bryce, you want to wash the car with us?” He’s ecstatic. He’s helping us, and he’ll say this: “What else can I help you with? What else do we need to do? Do we have some jobs to do?” So kind of watching that, would you say he probably has acts of service?

Gary Chapman: I would guess that’s his language.

Ann Wilson: Because Jenna, his mom, said, “If I need a little time for myself, I’ll say to Bryce, ‘Do you want to do the dishes?’ and he’ll stand up there for fifteen minutes doing the dishes, fully content, so happy.” So that’s a really good clue if you find your kids loving chores around the house or helping you do the laundry.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely.

Dave Wilson: Listening to you talk about that inspires me. Of course my kids are older and so are yours, but if I’m a young parent or even have kids coming into the teenage years, I should want to be the expert on my kids. No teacher, no friend should know them better than I do. That’s like you said earlier, opening your eyes, watching, and then taking action based on what you see. That’s a great step for a parent.

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