FamilyLife Today®

Gary Chapman: Apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage or healthy parent-child relationship. The reason it's essential is none of us are perfect. All of us fail from time to time. You don't have to be perfect to be a good parent, but you do have to deal with your failures.

Ann Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I’m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

So we have our youngest, Cody. He called us and said, "Hey, I’m thinking about coming down." And then we said, "Yeah, that’d be great." He said, "Well, I’ll be there tomorrow." He shows up with his two kids.

Ann Wilson: I was so excited. I didn’t fall asleep until 3:00 a.m. That’s how excited I was.

Dave Wilson: You screamed. I was in the garage and I thought something tragic happened. But the reason I bring up Cody is because when he was younger, you crawled in bed with him to do what you normally did as a mom.

Ann Wilson: Well, this boy, as he was younger, he had a couple of love languages that were very distinct. One was touch and the other one was words of affirmation. And so every night, he would beg me, "Mom, get under the covers and just lay here and talk to me." He wanted me to put my arm around him and hug him.

And so I would do that. Some nights, I’d think I just want to go downstairs, but I’d get underneath and we’d talk and I’d tell him, "Man, you’re great," and we’d pray. This one night, I think he was probably 12 or 13, and we had talked and I just automatically lifted up the covers to just lay with him for a few seconds.

He said, "What are you doing?" And I said, "I was just going to lay down with you." He said, "Mom, get out of here." I walked out into the hall and I said, "Goodnight. Love you." Then I walked down the hall and I sat and I cried because he was our youngest and it made me so sad.

Dave Wilson: You’re getting teary now.

Ann Wilson: No, I’m not. But it made me sad that he was pulling away a little bit, which is normal.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, and in some ways, that’s a "Welcome to the teen years" moment, which we’re going to talk about today. How do you navigate the teen years as a mom and a dad? And we’ve got Gary Chapman. Welcome to FamilyLife Today, Gary.

Gary Chapman: Thank you. It’s great to be here.

Dave Wilson: People know you from *The 5 Love Languages*. I think it’s sold a few copies.

Gary Chapman: It has sold a few copies.

Ann Wilson: But recently you released a book that I wish we had 20 years ago when Cody was that young, *Things I’d Wish I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager*. You’ve blessed and helped so many listeners and so many people around the world with this concept of the love languages, but what prompted you to write about the teen years?

Gary Chapman: First of all, I wrote a three-book series. The first one I wrote was *Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married*. There were 12 things that I know now that, had I known then, would have made my marriage much easier.

Then it just seemed logical to write *Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Had Children*. After that I thought about the teenage years, because those are tough. So this one is on things I wish I’d known before we had teenagers.

Ann Wilson: Those are always the books I pick up too. I think, "Oh, they learned something. Let’s hear what they learned."

Dave Wilson: A lot of parents, when we talk to them, are afraid of the teenage years. Should they be?

Gary Chapman: Well, yeah, probably. I remember the mother who said, "What has happened to my son? It’s like his brain has changed. He’s just totally different." I told her she got it right. His brain has changed.

I wish I had been prepared for the change that takes place in a teenager's brain. I knew nothing about that. But the reality is the brain is reorganizing. The brain is shifting around. One of those things is they’re learning how to think logically. I say learning because they’re not logical, but they’re learning to think logically.

That’s why they question things that you’ve taught them for years, and it blows parents away. I wish I had known that that’s normal. They’re processing things now. They accepted it when they were children. Whatever you taught them, they accepted. But now they’re thinking, "Is this really true?"

Normally we say they’re argumentative. That’s the way we see it. But if we understood that they’re developing logical thought, we would cooperate with that rather than trying to say, "Well, you know better than that, and now don’t talk about that." We stop the flow and we lose the influence.

We have to learn how to receive their questions and ask them, "Now, that’s an interesting perspective. What made you think that?" Engage them in conversation. Now we’re helping them develop logical thought rather than stopping the flow. I wish I had known that. We would have had fewer arguments.

Dave Wilson: That’s wisdom. One of the things we wrote in our *No Perfect Parents* book was that the teenage years are the "live in the question" years. It's about not always telling them, but asking and drawing them out.

I remember Shaunti Feldhahn wrote a book called *For Parents Only* and it was research from teenagers and parents. One of the things she said was just what you said. When they’re small, you sort of give them the building blocks of what you believe and what life is about. It’s like you’re building this castle with them.

We tell them, "We believe in God. We go to church. We are people of character." They have all these blocks. She said when they hit teenage years, they’ll pick up each block and they’ll sort of look at it and say, "I don’t know if I believe in God." Most of the time, we as parents just freak out. You’re saying that’s normal and we should just draw that out?

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. Lead them to things outside yourself because they know what you think. They’ve been listening to you all these years. If they’re questioning spiritual things, for example, you can say, "Well, that’s an interesting thought. And I know there are people who actually believe that. So why don’t we study that a little bit? Why don’t we read some stuff? Why don’t we see?"

If they’re thinking, "Well, why is Christianity the only religion? These other people are good people," you say, "Okay, let’s look at their beliefs. Let’s study their beliefs." You just walk them through it because they’ve got to make it their own. They’ve got to make Christianity their own. You can’t just give it to them.

Ann Wilson: Dave really welcomed that when our kids were asking questions. I tended to freak out a little bit more, thinking, "Oh no, what’s happening?" But what you’re saying is it’s really normal.

It’s probably a good thing for them to question because it can open the door of conversation with parents. By asking the question, "Tell me more. What are you thinking about with that?" It opens things up. Even Dave used to say, "That is a great question. I’ve dealt with that myself over the years." So it does open the door to conversation.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. But so many parents, when they don’t realize that what’s happening is normal, become defensive. They say, "Now you know we’ve taught you that all these years and you know that’s not right. Now just get that out of your mind." Then the kids stop talking to the parents. They’ll go talk to somebody else.

Dave Wilson: And that’s the last thing you want. They’re going to talk to somebody else and get input from probably another peer.

Talk about this. If you’re saying that the brain is starting to think logically, I also read that they often will make poor decisions because of that. So they’re pulling away and they’re making bad decisions. As a parent, how do we navigate that? We’re watching it happen, but it’s sort of normal.

Gary Chapman: It’s really hard, especially if they make poor decisions. We know we’re losing far too many teenagers by the time they get to be 18 because they’ve been pulled off into drugs, alcohol, or other behaviors that are destructive. This is really painful for parents. There’s no question about that.

That’s why if we, on the early stages of that, sense that something’s going on, we need to be on top of it and be talking to them about that and exposing them to the reality. In the drug thing, for example, you can expose them to the reality. There’s tremendous material. All you have to do is go on and look at all the results of whatever drug it is. It’ll frighten a kid if they read it.

I actually did that with my son. The other thing was I would go once a month on Saturday night to the juvenile detention center. I’d play ping pong with the kids and I’d just talk with them individually. I started taking my son, who was a teenager, with me. We would play ping pong and then we’d talk to the kids. They would tell us their stories of how they got there.

Riding home, I’d say, "Derek, isn't that sad? Those guys are your age and they made poor decisions." That was it. That was more powerful than my preaching to him.

Ann Wilson: That’s so good. If I could only stop there. I would have gone on and on, but you just dropped the little nugget.

Gary Chapman: Sometimes I would clip a little thing out of the newspaper and say, "Derek, you might want to read this, son. This guy was your age." It was about a teenager who had been driving under the influence and he killed somebody. I just said, "You might want to read this." He’d read it. I didn’t say anything else. I just let him read it and let him see.

Dave Wilson: How were you able to just drop it and let it go? Are men better at this? No, really, you’re so good at that.

Gary Chapman: I don’t know about that, but as you look back on your years with your kids as teenagers, were there any hiccups? Did you feel like you blew it in any area?

The whole area of anger was huge. I remember when he was probably 14, he and I got into an argument and I was yelling at him. He was yelling at me. I was saying hateful things and he was saying hateful things. In the middle of all of it, he walked out the door and slammed it.

When the door slammed, I woke up. I said, "Oh God, I thought I was further along than this, yelling at the son I love." I wept. I just sat on the couch and wept and confessed to God how horrible it was.

My wife tried to console me. She came in and said, "Honey, I heard the whole thing. That’s not your fault. He started that. He’s got to learn how to respect you." She finally gave up because it’s kind of hard to console a sinner.

When he finally came back in, I said, "Derek, could you come in here a minute, son?" He sat down and I just apologized to him. I said, "A father should never talk to a son the way I talked to you. I said some horrible things, and that’s not the way I feel about you. I love you. I hope you can forgive me."

He said, "Dad, that was not your fault. I started that. I shouldn’t talk to you that way. When I was walking up the road, I asked God to forgive me and I want to ask you to forgive me." We hugged and we cried.

Then I said, "Derek, why don’t we try to learn how to handle anger in a better way? What if we try this? The next time you get angry with me, you just say, 'Dad, I’m angry. Can we talk?' and I’ll sit down and listen to you. The next time I feel angry, I’ll say to you, 'Derek, I’m angry. Can we talk?' Let’s learn to talk our way through anger rather than yelling at each other."

It was a huge turning point. I’ve sometimes said that was one of the saddest nights of my life in raising my teenage son, and one of the happiest nights. It was sad because of my own failure but happy because he just demonstrated to me that he knows how to apologize.

Ann Wilson: That’s so powerful. I’m thinking of the listener that just thought, "I yell at my children all the time. This is just a constant thing where they’re yelling and I’m yelling. How do I even get out of that cycle?"

Gary Chapman: I think first of all you have to recognize that it’s not productive. You’re teaching them to do what you’re doing. As a parent, we need to apologize when we recognize that we have failed our teenager.

Some parents have said to me, "Well, if I apologize, won’t they lose respect for me?" I say they actually gain respect. They already know what you did was wrong. When you apologize to your teenager for anything that you know you’ve done wrong, you’re teaching them a skill they’re going to need forever because they’re going to fail too. They’re going to need to learn how to apologize. They’ll never have a good marriage if they don’t learn how to apologize.

So, I think the first step is recognizing that you're teaching them something you don’t want to teach them. What you're doing is wrong. Just apologize to God first and then to this teenager.

Dave Wilson: It’s pretty amazing as we hear that story about Derek. He was 14 and he responded like a man, like a full-fledged adult. We often think kids that age are just children, but in some ways, they are becoming a man or woman.

Gary Chapman: They’re thinking more. They’re moving toward adulthood. They’re not thinking as a child anymore. They’re moving toward it, but they’re not there yet; they’re in process.

This is where the time that we have spent with them in the childhood years is so important. He had been in a Christian home. We would read the scriptures in the morning and at night and pray with them and all of that. So he was fully aware of this apologizing thing and confessing our sins to God.

If you didn’t start when they were children, you have to start when they’re teenagers. That’s okay. You are where you are, so let’s just start there and start learning what we need to be doing.

Dave Wilson: Before we continue, let me just say this to the listener. At FamilyLife, we really believe strong families can change the world. When you become a FamilyLife partner, you help make that happen.

Ann Wilson: Your monthly gift helps us equip marriages and families with biblical tools that they can count on.

Dave Wilson: That’s a pretty big deal. We also want to send you exclusive updates, behind-the-scenes access, and an invitation to our private partner community, which is pretty cool. Join us and let’s reach families and marriages together. You can go to familylifetoday.com and click the "Donate" button to join today.

Well, some of our listeners have little kids. I’d love you to talk a little bit about what parents with a 5 or 6-year-old can be doing to prep for these teen years coming ahead.

Gary Chapman: My wife is not a morning person, but she fixed a hot breakfast every morning.

Ann Wilson: I can relate to that. I’m not a morning person either.

Dave Wilson: Gary, that is on the level of Mother Teresa.

Ann Wilson: When you have hungry boys, she was amazing.

Gary Chapman: She committed herself to this. She thought that was a motherly thing to do and she did it for all those years. Now, as soon as the kids went off to college, that was over.

What we would do at breakfast is I would read just a brief passage of scripture. We’d just discuss it a little bit while we were eating. It was nothing heavy-duty, but just creating an awareness that our lives can be based on the Bible.

They were old enough to sit at the table and talk, probably 5 or 6 years old. Then every night, we would have a little devotional time. When they were younger, we’d read a Bible story to them out of a book. We didn’t pray as a group. They would go to bed and my wife or I would go to the bedside and get on our knees and we would pray.

As they got older, they started praying. My daughter says that’s where she learned to pray. We prayed every night. Those were the two things that we did consistently through those childhood years. Of course, we took them to church because we recognized that if they can be exposed to other Christians in their classes at church, that’s just adding to the impact on their lives.

Ann Wilson: I was thinking about your story with Derek. I was impressed that you didn’t say anything like, "Well, how about you? Is it your turn and what you did was wrong?" What if he hadn’t apologized? What would your move have been then?

Gary Chapman: I think I would have probably just dropped it there after saying, "I’m hoping you can forgive me." I wouldn't have preached a sermon to him because our model is powerful.

When he heard me apologizing to him, he would walk away and think about it. If he didn’t confess it then, he would walk away and think about it and he might have come back later and apologized. But if he didn’t, he still had that model of apologizing.

Dave Wilson: There’s power in an apology. Just that move by anyone. Ann and I did a little thing about how to rekindle love in your marriage. As we’re sitting down, thinking how to stoke the fire of romance back in marriage, the first thing we thought of was that.

When you go to your spouse or your child and say, "I’m wrong. I’m sorry. Here’s what I’m wrong and sorry about," something happens in the soul of that person. It doesn't always come out the way we hope, but something softens.

Ann Wilson: It’s even the proverb, "A gentle answer turns away wrath."

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. I think when we apologize to someone, they’re hearing us deal with our failures. In fact, I sometimes say apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage or healthy parent-child relationship.

The reason it’s essential is none of us are perfect. All of us fail from time to time. You don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent, but you do have to deal with your failures. When we apologize to our children and request forgiveness, we’re teaching them how to apologize. We don’t demand forgiveness because forgiveness is a choice, but we request it.

They will eventually forgive us, and we’re teaching them how to forgive. It’s a huge thing that every individual needs to learn is how to deal effectively with our failures because we’re all going to fail. Apologizing is a huge part of it.

Ann Wilson: I think what we do with teenagers is we feel like we’re failing. I know that as my friends and I have gotten together before, we had committed to one another that we were nagging our teenagers constantly. We realized that was pushing our kids away. Who wants to be around someone that’s constantly criticizing?

When we do that, it’s harming the relationship. But that apology is key. Dave, tell them what we did. We made a pact not to nag our teenagers for one week. I mentioned this recently on an episode. It was one of the hardest things because we realized the conversation that generally is happening with our teenagers is critiquing all the things they’re doing wrong.

Dave Wilson: It’s not just moms.

Ann Wilson: Dads probably too, but it was with us as moms specifically. We can get in this rut of constantly seeing the negative. We're telling them to clean up the dishes, put their stuff away, get their homework done, and get to bed. That wears on people. It would wear on me if Dave did that to me constantly.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. What happens is those children who get constant criticism go into adulthood and they don’t have the ability to give affirming words because they’ve never heard them. So, what will they do? They will criticize their kids.

Dave Wilson: Gary, what do we do if we see our kids making bad decisions and they’re not listening to mom and dad? We don’t want to criticize them, but what do we do?

Gary Chapman: Every time we have a rule or a guideline for teenagers, let there be consequences. There should be boundaries with teenagers because they need them. Whenever we decide that something is going to be a rule, tell them what the consequences are going to be before it happens.

For example, let’s say they’re 16 and they’re going to be driving now. There have to be some guidelines and responsibilities. One of the things is if you’re going to drive our car, you’re going to wash the car every week on Saturday before noon.

And if you ever break the law, if you get caught for speeding, you will lose the car for a week. Now the kid knows and you know what the consequences will be if they break the rule. All you have to do is say, "Well, son, you know what happens. You have to lose the car for a week." You don't have to get mad.

They might say, "Oh, Dad, but this week..." I know, but when we break the rule, there are consequences. You stick with it. You don’t break down when they cry. If they say all their friends are going to be somewhere, you offer to drive them there.

Ann Wilson: I like how you remain cool during the whole thing.

Gary Chapman: That’s the big thing. If you have already told them what the consequences are, you’re more likely to stay cool. Otherwise, we operate on our emotions at the time. If we feel strongly, then we come down hard on them or we kind of let it go this time. The kid doesn't know whether they’re going to get consequences or not. But if we all know what’s going to happen before they break the rule, then all we have to do is just enforce the rule.

Ann Wilson: I remember being a young parent hearing that and putting it into action. It was amazing because they already knew the rule. They broke the rule and then I could empathize with them. I could say, "I’m so sorry. That probably makes you so mad or frustrated, but you knew the rule." So, we’ve already set this in place.

Dave Wilson: It might have been a little more intense than that in the kitchen, but the times that I applied it, it worked. It’s easier for the parent and for the teenager.

Ann Wilson: But you have to be intentional to put those in place before.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely. And mom and dad need to agree on them also. Otherwise, dad’s going to let it slide and mom’s going to come down on him. If we both agree on it, it doesn't matter who’s at home and who’s administering, because everybody knows what’s going to happen.

Ann Wilson: I always love having Gary Chapman. We’ve heard everything from him and there’s always something new.

Dave Wilson: There is a wealth of wisdom, understanding, and knowledge in this guy. He’s a little older than us and he is just still motoring at full speed.

His book is called *Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager* and you can get your copy by clicking the link in the show notes at familylifetoday.com.

If you need parenting help, we have a site just for you: familylife.com/parentinghelp. We put some of our best parenting resources there for you. Please go there. Get the help we offer. It’s familylife.com/parentinghelp.

Ann Wilson: FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry. 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.