FamilyLife Today®

Abbey Wedgeworth: I always say it's not long if our internal monologue is shame on me. It's 2.5 seconds until it becomes shame on you with your kids because they're exposing something in you you don't want to see. You tell them if you would just, then I get to be the mom I want to be. Or maybe it comes out on your husband. If he would just, then I would be able to be the mom I want to be. The reality is that what scripture tells us is that what needs to be dealt with—and this is multifaceted—but primarily is our sinful hearts.

Dave Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I’m Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: All right, so here’s a phrase every mom and dad has said, guaranteed. It's the title of Abbey Wedgeworth’s new book: Help! I'm Ruining My Kids.

Ann Wilson: If a mother hasn't said it, she has thought it. Without a doubt, we all wonder that at times. We remember and recall the things that we failed at doing that day as a mom, what we said, what we yelled, what we didn't do. I can remember putting my head on the pillow thinking that very thing. Jesus, I think I'm ruining these incredible children that you gave me.

Abbey, welcome back. Abbey, we love having you. Abbey Wedgeworth in the house.

Abbey Wedgeworth: I’m giddy this morning just to get to be with you guys. I’m so happy to be with you. My sister is here with me and I was like, Jamie, I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. They’re the best.

Dave Wilson: You’re the best. It’s so fun to have you, and we’ve had you on a couple times. Now here is the name of this book, Help! I’m Ruining My Kids: A Gospel Guide for the Mom Who’s Desperate for Change. Do you think every mom asks that question or says that: help, I’m ruining my kids?

Abbey Wedgeworth: For the past however long I’ve been writing this, anytime people would be like, what are you working on in my real life? I would tell them. People would just start crying. Literally every mom that I talked to about just the title of this book, it was always like, I need to read that ASAP. Sometimes they would just start divulging specifics. Here is how I think I’m messing them up.

Ann Wilson: Tell me some of the things they said.

Abbey Wedgeworth: Some of it was yelling at their kids or limited knowledge. I don't know how to handle this. Things from their past, like, I’m trying not to be my mom, I open my mouth and my mom comes out. All kinds of things.

Ann Wilson: And have you thought it?

Abbey Wedgeworth: I thought it yesterday. That’s the thing about the book; it’s not going to eradicate the thought, but it’ll teach you what to do with it.

Dave Wilson: Where did this idea—I mean, have you been thinking I’ve got to write this book for decades or is this a new thought?

Abbey Wedgeworth: I’ve been a mom for eight decades. Her kids aren’t that old. Our oldest is 10, but really this book proposal actually I started crafting before our third son was born. I just was paying attention and plugging in content, but I wasn’t ready to write it.

Really it came out of my own struggle with postpartum mental health. I really was wrestling with, okay, is postpartum rage something I need to repent of? Is this a sin issue? Am I responsible for this because I feel like it’s hormonal and out of my control? It was theological for me, a ton of it was just what is happening to me?

Whether it was an issue of responsibility or whether it was physical or spiritual or mental or whatever, what I could not deny was that it was affecting my children. That became a really hard fear for me to grapple with: how am I affecting them and is it redeemable? You can't press pause on parenting. You can’t be like, okay everyone, hang on, I'm going to go get really holy and then come back. You are with them all day every day and whatever you're working out is coming out all over them.

Dave Wilson: What did that postpartum—you said rage. What did that look like?

Abbey Wedgeworth: I have a husband who is so fabulous. But Ann and I have talked about this; he was gone a lot. He will say he has a special bond with our third because he made some career changes and has been more present with him than he had with the other two.

Ann Wilson: Didn’t you say he was working 14 hour days?

Abbey Wedgeworth: 14 hour days, six days a week. I show up to birthday parties and all the dads are there and I’m the only mom without. It was a lot physically. It was a lot. I was up with them and he needed his rest to work, and I cracked up a little bit.

I was about two weeks into motherhood when I realized I wasn’t the mom that I thought I would be. I picture those Renaissance paintings where the mother is just like—or a Norman Rockwell where you’re just super in control of your emotions and setting the chocolate chip cookies down and doing arts and crafts and you got dressed at least.

I was really maternal in a coveted camp counselor. I just thought I would be great at this, I’d have great instincts. Then I’m holding this two-week-old baby who’s frantically bobbing and I’m like, just close your mouth. I’m screaming at this baby like, what is so hard about eating? Just latch. I couldn’t do it.

I was mad and I was alone. I was crying all the time. Really it was postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression. This is what I've learned. I didn't know then and I lied on every intake form because I didn’t want to be crazy. I didn’t want them to put something in my chart, so I didn't get the help I needed for a long time because I thought I was the only one.

Ann Wilson: What did you think about yourself? What was your internal dialogue?

Abbey Wedgeworth: It was so sad. I’m so unkind to me. I really thought, how can I have been a Christian for this long and be struggling this badly with this child I’ve been longing for? It was so small and helpless and I’m the person. I’m who he gets and I just felt so sorry for him that that’s who he got for a mom. You think things like I shouldn't be allowed to have kids or what’s wrong with me that I can’t cope?

You think you’re the only one. Then it was like that with every baby. I was bummed too; we wanted four kids. Then we made the decision to stop because honestly we were like, let’s give our kids an alive mom. I just didn't know if I would make—suicidal ideation was part of the third and it was really intense. So I just wrote myself a letter and was like, how about we stop?

Ann Wilson: Abbey, you’re a woman that knows the word, loves Jesus. You have the answers in your relationship with Christ and yet you probably felt more guilt because that was all true about yourself.

Abbey Wedgeworth: I doubted my salvation. 100%. Here is the thing: if anyone listening is experiencing that, if Satan can get us to doubt our position in Christ, our union with him, then we will stop looking for the provision of God within our circumstances. That’s a really sneaky ploy. I will say nothing can pluck you from the palm of his hand—not your mental health, not your own doubts. Take the promise of salvation and ride it all the way to the throne of grace because you’re kept, you’re held there.

Dave Wilson: I’m guessing there’s moms listening right now and they’re like, I’m there.

Abbey Wedgeworth: I think most moms are. The thing is when we are not at the darkest day, when we have a pretty good day, we kind of forget. Then it’s so intense when it pops back up and you’re like, I’m still here, I thought I’d be farther along. There is so much shame.

I think that’s one of the key pieces of this. Really the goal is to parent on purpose, to have the agency to do it the way God calls us to, to show up the way we want to as the versions of ourselves that we want to. A major piece of not showing up the way we want to is that we're functioning in shame. We’re living out of an identity of I shouldn't be allowed to have children, I'm the worst mom, I always blow it versus living out of this identity in Christ.

Dave Wilson: I know moms carry that shame in a way. I’d watch Ann and I’m like, you are a great mom, are you kidding me? She could not see it in herself. She’s like, no I’m not. How do you carry that and how do you dig out of it?

Ann Wilson: The thing with that as moms is when we got married, I knew that I was hoping and praying that God would allow us to have kids. You feel like this is one of my purposes in life. We watch other moms and especially now it’s even harder because now you’re watching other moms through all these different channels and mediums of social media.

I remember thinking I’m going to be great at this, I’m going to kill this thing, it’s going to be so good, I was going to crush it. This is going to be amazing. I remember thinking I don't even know who this person is that I'm looking at in the mirror. I don't recall anything like this from my past. This is not me. I don't know who I am and I know Jesus. Like you've written about it because you've come out of it. I know you've experienced the same things. Is it anger? What is it you're looking at and going—is it the anger part?

Abbey Wedgeworth: Anger is a secondary emotion and I think it’s the easiest for us to pinpoint as moms. It’s very easy to identify. Wow, I really raised my voice there. But that’s a secondary emotion and it’s not our only sin struggle. I’ve seen it with manipulation with my kids, like employing tactics I don't want to employ or shame speech.

Ann Wilson: I had shame speech at the beginning. What’s shame speech?

Abbey Wedgeworth: Making their actions about their identity. Anything that’s you are this or you always this—failure speech. I think we do it. I always say it’s not long if our internal monologue is shame on me, it’s 2.5 seconds until it becomes shame on you with your kids because they’re exposing something in you you don't want to see.

You tell them if you would just, then I get to be the mom I want to be. Or maybe it comes out on your husband. Like if he would just, then I would be able to be the mom I want to be. The reality is that what scripture tells us is that what needs to be dealt with—and this is multifaceted—but primarily is our sinful hearts. That is what Christ came to redeem and change.

A friend of mine, I remember weeping when Henry, our youngest, was like eight weeks old. My husband was not there. Solo bedtime has been a big theme for me and struggling here and bedtimes. That was what had happened. My older boys were four and two, and I had this eight-week-old baby.

The older boys had been splashing water out of the bathtub which is a major affront to my control. It’s one more thing to deal with, one more thing to clean up. I was trying to nurse the baby to sleep and they’re in the other room giggling. They’re not even fighting, they’re just loud.

I can’t get the baby to sleep. I have all these self-pity thoughts in my mind. Then I remember I walked to their room and I said, this day is over. There will be no books, there will be no snuggles. This is the end. Do not come out. I slammed their door.

I walked outside with the baby who’s screaming, probably because I burst his eardrum. It was some high volume. Then I’m outside just weeping and I was angry with the Lord for letting me be this person. But a friend said to me in this season, she said, the exposure of our sin is always a mercy. I kind of wanted to slap her when she said it because I’m like, I don't want to see that. That doesn't feel kind or loving to me.

But the reality is on this side of eternity we’re not perfect. Self-awareness is a huge piece of how we show up to motherhood. I had something to repent of then.

Ann Wilson: Some people just heard that and thought, wait, well it wasn't your fault. What are you confessing? What are you saying? You have postpartum, is that sin?

Abbey Wedgeworth: This is a great question. There are three things that are true about us as we sit here. One is that we’re saints. We have been clothed in the righteousness of Christ and somehow we are saints because we’ve surrendered, he has offered us his righteousness, so somehow we are saints. We are seated with him in the heavenly places.

That is such an important piece to realize because that is the identity Jesus has given us to live out of and into. That’s what we’re headed towards. He who began a good work will bring it to completion. We can take that and hold on tight to it.

But there are two other pieces. One is that we are sinners. On this side of heaven we will always have something to repent of every day. There are a thousand things we’re not even aware of.

The other piece though is that we're sufferers. In two ways: one, we are victims of the effects of the fall, just the general hardship that comes from living in a fallen world. Also we are victims of the sins of others. That was a big question for me during that time: am I responsible for this?

It’s kind of like when my kids play with Play-Doh. This irks me. If you get them out nine beautiful colors and in just a minute it’s all brown. We want to look at suffering and sin and we want to be able to tease out, okay, what is I'm living in a fallen body with imbalanced hormones and what is I have a prideful heart that loves control? You just can’t untangle that.

The good news is God has enough mercy for your sin and enough grace and compassion for your humanity. The important thing is that we're running to him with it every time. Self-compassion sounds like woo-woo, we don't want to have it. Really it’s just agreeing with him.

My favorite parenting verse isn't even a parenting verse, but it’s like Jesus looked at the crowd and he had compassion for them. When we see God seeing us that way, we don't talk to ourselves that way with that shame speech. I can both have compassion for me that I am not getting enough sleep, that I’m up with the baby all the time and that it makes it really hard to have agency, and I can experience conviction that the rage that I just poured out on my children needs to be repented of.

I can apologize for that and ask for forgiveness. When we focus too much on the one side, we withhold from ourselves absolution and the beautiful freedom that the gospel brings. When we only focus on the sin part, we withhold from ourselves bodily care that can help us maintain the agency that we need in order to show up as people who are doing it on purpose. Helpful language for me has been explanation, not excuse. If we're asking the question do I need to repent of it, just go ahead. Get the gospel freedom. Talk to Jesus about it and say, okay, 12 steps back, what was going on? Did I ignore hunger cues? Did I ignore my nervous system begging me to take a deep breath or a step away? Am I taking the time to think about my history and how it’s impacting my present? Those are important questions for us to be asking, but we tend to fall in one ditch on either side of holistic sanctification.

Ann Wilson: That is such a good explanation. Every mom has probably experienced that if she has more than one child who’s not the perfect child. Even with the perfect child, God somehow reveals this inner conflict and sin going on.

I can remember very similar to yours, Dave was gone, felt like he was gone a lot. I had a five and a three-year-old in the tub. I’m in the bedroom nursing a newborn. I can hear one son say, Mom, I have to go poop. Okay hun, just get out and go. He’s in the bathroom and he goes, no I don't want my brother to see me. Selective privacy, we call that.

Then the doorbell rings. I am taking the nursing baby who’s latched on and I go down. I don't even know why I would answer the door, but it was back in the days when I felt responsible to open the door for some reason. I take the baby, I stop feeding him, I open the door and it’s somebody selling magazines.

I come back upstairs and it’s like an absolute tornado has gone off. There is poop laying in the middle of the hallway. The younger brother is laughing his head off, running around naked, celebrating. The other son is pounding him and the baby is screaming his head off. I am yelling louder now than all of that to try to get control.

In the midst of absolute chaos, when you settle down with God we have that choice. The accuser is just the accuser of the brethren who is Satan, who just wants to go at you. Jesus is welcoming you in like, come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I’ll give you rest. For me just to say, Lord, I feel like a failure. I yelled at these kids. That wasn't even anything bad they did really. The poop on the floor is questionable. He couldn't make it. Yes it was.

There is something about when we see this ugly part of that sin that we carry and to let Jesus see it and to let him come and forgive it. We repent and we're apologizing; there’s a beauty in that of the gospel. It’s the title of your book: A Gospel Guide for the Mom Who’s Desperate for Change.

Abbey Wedgeworth: It’s the unique proposition of this book. I feel like there is a lot of discussion of grace—my pastor calls it sloppy agape—where everything’s okay, you're loved no matter what, which is great and it’s so important. I think the message moms really are craving is you can change. Jesus can change you.

You feel this like an emergency because you're affecting other people and you so desperately want to be different. The enemy wants to twist that and turn it into shame. You hear Paul cry out in Romans 7, wretched man that I am, wretched mom that I am, who will deliver me? Jesus. He will change you. That exact feeling that you're talking about is what changes us. It’s the more outrageous grace seems to us, the more we will change because it is gospel gratitude and dependence that changes us.

Ann Wilson: And it’s desperation. I feel like so many of us as moms—and I’m sure guys do too, but it’s in a different way—our sin nature is so revealed and then we're so desperate like, who am I? That’s when the gospel becomes even more beautiful. You're on your face before God like, Lord, I can’t do it.

Abbey Wedgeworth: In the introduction to the book I basically say to the mom, the desperation you experience is the best thing you have going for you. Sometimes I feel sorry for certain dads because their desperation may be in a different area. Sometimes with kids maybe older, but a lot of them don't feel what we feel as moms.

Ann Wilson: It’s just day in and day out for most moms. It’s the monotony and it is a unique call on our lives. Not every woman nurses their babies, there are lots of ways to feed a baby, but for a lot of women it’s just by design a lot falls on the woman. You're carrying the baby, you're delivering the baby. Our biological instincts are so strong to care for the baby.

That feeling of it’s all up to me, everything depends on me, I think it’s a beautiful thing that calls us to action and prompts this responsibility where we care for them and nurture them. Then we take it too far to believe everything is dependent on us, including their salvation or how they turn out. That makes it feel like an emergency to change.

Dave Wilson: There is a sense as a dad—and I’m going to exaggerate here—it feels like the child is an extension of you moms. I’m not thinking it feels that way as much for us as guys. I’m sure some guys it is that way. For me it felt like, yeah, they’re my son, it’s awesome, but I’m going to work. For you guys it just doesn't seem like it’s ever disconnected, like the umbilical cord is still connected.

Ann Wilson: Even if a mom’s working, she still has that emotional attachment which is awesome. Wait, before we do that, I want to just hit this. Abbey, I’m thinking of moms who are struggling getting pregnant and thinking, I wish I had this problem. What would you say to them?

Abbey Wedgeworth: It’s another way that moms can experience shame to be like, I prayed for this, I longed for this, and now it’s hard for me, it shouldn't be hard for me. Romans 12 is filled with all these one another commands to weep with those who weep, to rejoice with those who rejoice. I think there’s so much danger in not caring well for each other by saying or believing the grass is greener. Grieve the effects of the fall that is infertility.

Ann Wilson: And I just think too if you’re in that place of infertility, you’re in that situation which so many of our Bible heroes of the women of the Bible were. There is a desperation in that of taking it before Jesus and saying God, what’s happening? He wants to know your heart, he’s with you. So I get that too.

Dave Wilson: I love having this conversation. Of course you do. This is up my alley. Two moms talking about ruining their kids and how to stop that from happening. By the way you can get her book at FamilyLifeToday.com, click on the link in the show notes. Again it’s called Help! I'm Ruining My Kids: A Gospel Guide for the Mom Who’s Desperate for Change. What a great title, great conversation.

We’ve got Abbey back tomorrow. We get to talk a little bit more about this. We’ll see you tomorrow. Before we’re done today, I just want to remind our listeners, we know life is full of challenges and families today need biblical truth more than ever. As a FamilyLife partner, your monthly gift helps bring the truth into homes every single day through podcasts, events, and resources.

Let’s make a lasting difference together. Become a partner today. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the donate button. I don't know about you, but I need parenting help, not just sometimes but most of the time. Maybe you feel like that too, and we have resources to help you as a parent and you can go to FamilyLife.com/parentinghelp. FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.