FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

You go into marriage thinking, "We'll have a great marriage if she does her half, I do my half, it'll work."

And the person who says he'll meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

I mean, it's the truth: you overestimate what you're putting in and underestimate what they're putting in.

Speaker 2

Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Speaker 1

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today.

Okay, I got a question for you. There's nobody else in the studio but us today, and nobody's gonna hear your answer except me. What were you surprised about when we got married? Or maybe even shocked?

Does anything come to mind? Give me an answer. How amazing your husband was, or how dysfunctional you were?

Speaker 2

Honestly, like, that was what I thought. Like, wow, he is so messed up. And it wasn't till a few years later that I thought, oh, I am really messed up too. What about you?

Speaker 1

I, you know, we said this before, you know, when we went to the weekend to remember Family Life's marriage getaway. Our first exposure to Family Life was two weeks before our wedding.

I think I was shocked that we sat there thinking, we'll have no problems. Marriage will be awesome. It'll be easy, it'll be wonderful. We love Jesus, we love each other.

I mean, I'm just shocked that we never even considered.

Speaker 2

No.

Speaker 1

The baggage we both were bringing in, especially me with two alcoholic parents, divorce, my brother dying as a little boy. None of that seemed relevant.

It's like, ah, it's all in the past, it's done, it's over. We're going to get married. It's going to be easy. It's going to be wonderful.

I was bringing a U Haul semi truck of junk into our marriage.

Speaker 2

So was I. And let me ask you as a viewer and as a listener, do you remember a point in your marriage that reality set in and you weren't looking at your spouse with rose-colored glasses?

Because I think every one of us hits a point in marriage, don't you think? Every person does.

Speaker 1

Everyone.

Speaker 2

Everyone.

Speaker 1

Hopefully it's not on the honeymoon, but it could be.

Speaker 2

It could be some. It does happen on the honeymoon. That's scary to have those thoughts because you think, oh, I married the wrong person.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And you think they're the problem. I did. Anyway, I thought you were the problem.

Speaker 2

I thought you were the problem.

Speaker 1

And you told me I did tell.

Speaker 2

You often, and I thought that if you would change, I could be happy. And I think that's what most of us can think in marriage. If he would just change this, this, or do this or this, I could be happy. And that's not the truth.

Or maybe this happens because not everyone may be totally disappointed in their spouse, but life just happens. Disappointment in life or sickness or health issues or trauma of some sort happens.

And we naturally, and this is where we're going, we naturally, when that happens, we drift away from each other. Whether it's disappointment in each other or just hard, busy lives, we tend and we will drift apart.

Speaker 1

Yeah. One of the things we say at the family life weekend, remember, is every marriage is moving toward oneness, which is God's goal, or drifting toward isolation.

So let's talk, and you can do an evaluation of your marriage. Today we're going to talk about what we would call three threats to oneness or three things that cause you to drift.

And I think as you watch us or listen, I would evaluate your marriage. Maybe you're sitting there with your spouse and you guys can talk about it. If not, take notes and then talk.

Speaker 2

About it tonight or send it to your spouse and listen. Or if you're engaged, this would be interesting to know before you get married.

Speaker 1

Every engaged couple, seriously dating couple, should be listening right now and watching and preparing.

Because this will happen to you. Even though I know you love each other so much, this will never happen.

It's going to happen. And it's not a bad thing.

Speaker 2

No, it's not.

Speaker 1

It's actually going to drive you closer together as you navigate through this. But hopefully. But if you don't see it coming, you. You're going to be derailed.

Speaker 2

Yeah. And hopefully it will make you realize your need for Jesus.

Speaker 1

All right, here's the first threat to oneness: unrealistic expectations. And I almost said just expectations, but most of the time they're unrealistic. You know, you just don't even realize you have these expectations.

You know what the gap is between reality and expectations? That gap is called disappointment. So we bring in these expectations here. Let's talk about a couple of them. One would be fear. Feelings will stay hot after you're married. Is that true?

Speaker 2

I think they can stay hot for a while and kind of go up and down. But going up and down is very natural.

I wish somebody would've said that, because when my feelings started to wane and go down or dissipate, I thought, oh, no, we're falling out of love. Does that mean we're ending? Does that mean we're bad?

And I think that's really normal for that to happen, don't you?

Speaker 1

Yeah. And I think couples that experience disappointment, what they're experiencing is, I used to feel this about her. I don't feel that anymore. I married the wrong person or we made a mistake.

And what they need to know is that's normal. That's reality. That's life. You're not going to feel the same things that you once felt.

And your love's not based on a feeling. It's based on a covenant. I made a promise.

And whether I feel like it or not, I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna love her and I'm gonna serve her even when I don't want to.

Speaker 2

Well, when we were going to college, I was at the University of Kentucky. You were at Ball State in Indiana.

And you would finish a football game in the fall as you're a player. And then you would call me and say, "I have to see you this weekend. I have to see you."

It's Saturday evening because you've already had the game, you've already been in the locker room, so it's like four o'clock, maybe five o'clock.

Speaker 1

Clock.

Speaker 2

And you say, I'm driving, which is how far was it?

Speaker 1

Three and a half hours.

Speaker 2

Three and a half. You would get in your car and you would drive to Lexington, Kentucky.

And I was like, he's so amazing. Like, look at this guy. He goes all out in his love for me. He shows me all the time.

And you did that during the whole football season for home games, seven, eight hour round trip. Because you'd go back that night for.

Speaker 1

An hour and a half moment to look in your eyes and say, I love you.

Speaker 2

But what happened to me was, I'll never forget. I think we had kids and, and maybe a baby. And you were coming home from work and I called you and said, hey, could you pick up some milk at the grocery store? And you're like. And I said, forget it.

Speaker 1

I'll do it myself.

Speaker 2

I'll just do it myself. You're like, no, I'll do it. What do you want? And I wouldn't even tell you. Like, it's too late.

And I can remember thinking like, man, before we were married, he would drive three and a half hours just to be with me for an hour and a half. And now he can't even get to the grocery store for some milk. But I thought, he's so selfish.

And that's where we can go when we have unrealistic expectations. Now, maybe some of you are thinking it shouldn't be unrealistic that he stops and gets some milk, but it's just disappointment.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And I always say, guys, stop and get the stuff at the store and don't go. Seriously, I mean, that is so disappointing to make a little thing, you know, five, seven, eight minutes out of my life. Again, the feelings weren't what they used to be.

Speaker 2

So you're saying you are going to have the feelings of you don't want to do it. Yeah, but as a covenant and love is action. If love is action, you love each other regardless of how you feel.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And I wish I would have known. And I'm sure we were told this probably even at the weekend. Remember, your feelings aren't going to stay like they are. I'm sure they said that.

Speaker 2

And they go up and down.

Speaker 1

And when they went away, you feel like something's wrong. And it's like, no, it's normal. Paul David Tripp, a well-known figure, famously said, "If you're disappointed in your marriage, it's not because you have a bad marriage; it's because you're married." In other words, disappointment is a part of every marriage at times.

Now, hopefully, it doesn't linger for months at a time, but it's going to be a part of daily or weekly expectations. You step through those moments and realize that your expectations are unrealistic. You can't sustain an infatuated romantic feeling all the time.

We're in year 45. There are moments when you have a high feeling of love, but most of the time, it's day to day. I know I'm in love because I'm not going anywhere. I made a covenant and a promise, and I'm going to honor that. And I'm going to stop at the pharmacy again and get your stuff.

Speaker 2

But I think of Jesus knowing that he would die on the cross when he was in the garden and he was saying to the Father, let this cup pass from me. His feelings were like, ugh, this is going to be hard. I'd rather not. But love pays the price.

And he paid the ultimate price with his blood and with his life. And for me, that's a good example of, like, I'm going to be obedient and I'm going to love sacrificially, no matter how I feel.

Okay, what about roles, expectations?

Speaker 1

Unrealistic expectations in our roles like, he's going to do this, she's going to do that. The one that really caused us problems was you thought I'd be this amazing John the Baptist spiritual leader for you and for the kids.

Speaker 2

I didn't. God the Baptist. I wanted you to be Dennis Rainey.

Speaker 1

Oh great.

Speaker 2

Who is the founder and president of Family Life? But I had an image, and I'm sure if I talked to his wife Barbara, Dennis would have said this too: Don't compare Dennis, because I'm not that great.

But we all, especially now with social media, can compare our spouse to so many people. Just yesterday, I showed Dave this clip that I watched. It was on Instagram, and it's this wife; she's in her car and she says, "Watch this." She's videoing her husband, and as she pulls up, she says, "He's been doing this for 30 years, every single day."

Then she pulls up, and he comes out of the garage, saying, "Baby, what can I get? Do I need to get your things for you? I've got dinner already on the table."

Speaker 1

Why did you even show me that?

Speaker 2

Exactly.

Speaker 1

I don't believe it. I do not believe this guy's been doing this. Every day she comes home from work.

Let me, let me get a third party perspective. Bruce, do you think this husband really does that every day? Is this a made up thing on TikTok or Instagram?

It's made up. That's what I said.

No, it's real.

No, it was an AI video. Actually, it was generated. Those people don't exist.

There you go. There are not husbands like that. You heard it from another husband.

Speaker 2

But see what that does, that every.

Speaker 1

Wife thinks that's going to be her husband.

Speaker 2

It plants a seed of disappointment. Like, wow, my husband doesn't even acknowledge me or my wife doesn't acknowledge me when I walk in the door.

Speaker 1

I know.

Speaker 2

And so I think those unrealistic expectations, they create disappointment, which then again it.

Speaker 1

Causes us to drift into which I missed. What it's about romance. It's about gentleness. It's about kind words. It's about non sexual touch.

Speaker 2

It's about vacuuming the family room.

Speaker 1

Yeah. It's about serving. She needs to be seen and loved. He needs to be affirmed. You know, I always like to say make love a verb.

Speaker 2

Yeah. You know, you think love is action.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's a verb. It's like step into it. And again you come in with these expectations. It's just, you know, the bedroom, it's like, no, there's a lot more going on there.

And intimacy is so beautiful and deep beyond the bedroom. And it makes the bedroom better, if you understand that.

But if you don't, you're going to drift and you're going to have this gap between expectations and reality, and you'll be disappointed.

Speaker 2

Okay, so rate yourself on that one. How are you doing with your expectations? Unrealistic expectations. How should we do it? Like, I'm right on. Should be what? You could just say that, yeah, I don't have unrealistic expectations.

Speaker 1

Or is there a big gap?

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Give a number to that gap. 10 being it's a huge gap. 1 being it's hardly anything. 0 is nothing. Are you a 3, a 5, a 7?

And basically, the way to adjust that is you need to lower your expectations.

And on the other side, you know, look at the guys again and say, step up. Be the man she thought she married.

Speaker 2

Well, when you say lower your expectations, some people might be thinking, oh, well, now I'm just going to enable them to be a slob or to be lazy or to not do anything. What would you say to that?

Speaker 1

I'd say have realistic expectations. You don't want to enable someone to be a slob. And you're going to speak truth or lazy or not committed.

Cause you want to raise the bar and say, let's be the best we can be. Especially for myself, but for us, some of these expectations are just unrealistic.

Your feelings are not always going to be hot.

Speaker 2

And I'll say this too, as one who wrote about this and who lived it, when I constantly pointed out to you all of your shortcomings, that was always fun. It made you worse.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

And so to point out the things that they're doing, well, that's motivating. And so I hope you hear that as we say, lower your expectations.

Speaker 1

But I just heard a wife say, he's doing nothing.

Speaker 2

Well, And I would say, what do.

Speaker 1

You say to her?

Speaker 2

I say, or to him?

Speaker 1

Husband's thinking the same thing.

Speaker 2

Ask God to give you eyes to see the things that he's doing. Right. Because there's something you used to see. So point that out.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And if you're saying there is nothing, that's a lie. There's something.

And again, if you're living with an abusive man who's hurting you or she's hurting you physically or verbally, we would say, first of all, get safe, get help, get out.

Yeah. So we're not talking about that. We're talking about a good-willed guy.

Speaker 2

And a good willed one who's trying.

Speaker 1

To do a good job. He's just like. He's like Dave, he's just not very good at it. And he's pretty selfish.

Speaker 2

You're really good at it.

Speaker 1

No, I was very, very selfish. I'm not now. I'm the most unselfish person I've ever met, every second of every day.

But there was a time, by the way, if anybody thinks I'm serious, don't be sending emails. I'm not serious.

The selfishness is still part of our DNA, that we have to let Christ crucify every single day. It's not I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

Speaker 2

Galatians 2:20 and also, if you want more help and you think, oh, man, I wish I could hear more, read more about this. You can go to familylife.com marriagehelp and we'll have some free resources for you.

Speaker 1

All right, we got two more threats and we don't have a lot of time.

Speaker 2

All right, let's do it.

Speaker 1

Second one. We talk about this at the weekend. Remember, it's the 5050 performance marriage.

The threat is, you go into marriage thinking, we'll have a great marriage if she does her half, I do my half, it'll work.

And the person who says he'll meet you halfway is usually a poor judge at distance. I mean, it's. The truth is you overestimate what you're putting in and underestimate what they're putting in.

Speaker 2

Yeah, you're totally evaluating your spouse's performance continually.

And you can notice this by if you're comparing whose day was the hardest. Because if you think, "I've been doing this all day," and you always imagine your life is way harder than what your spouse's life has been like that day, and you don't even know what their day was, but you imagine it being harder.

Speaker 1

But I spent a couple days at home with three little boys, and I realized your life is a lot harder than my life. I would have never known that until it actually happened.

Speaker 2

Yeah, but I know the things that you do every day. And I wouldn't have wanted to walk in that part of life either.

You're putting out fires in relationships at work all the time. You're writing all these messages. You have a lot on your plate, too, and I never thought about that.

Speaker 1

All you need to know is marriage is 100. 100. There's no 50. 50. That is a myth. It doesn't work.

Speaker 2

And a lot of times what we do is we feel like our spouse isn't performing what we think they should be doing. We pull back.

So instead of giving 50, as you said before, now we're giving 30, and you're thinking, they're doing nothing. Why should I put this effort in?

And I'll tell you why. Because, like, God is honored by the way that you love people even when they don't deserve it.

Speaker 1

Yeah. When your eyes are constantly on your spouse as well, you know, what you do is all you see is their weaknesses.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

And you focus on that.

Speaker 2

Oh, I was good at that.

Speaker 1

I was good at it too. I mean, it's so easy to do. And it comes from the third threat.

The third threat, I think, is the biggest one. It's the root of them all. And it's selfishness. Selfishness destroys a marriage. It destroys romance. It is the reason we drift apart.

Because to be one requires unselfish serving and laying down your life. To say, it's not about me. It really isn't even about my happiness. It's about serving my spouse and making her or his life better.

Speaker 2

And I would say I had this martyr complex that I would be like, I am so much less selfish than Dave is. I have to do everything around here. Not realizing that even that thought right there is a self-centered, arrogant thought. Because I constantly had that going on in my head.

And that's bad on me. You know, that required repentance, honestly, of like, Lord, I can do nothing apart from you. And my eyes are so fixed on me that I can't even see straight.

Speaker 1

Selfishness is basically. It's sin. It's what the Bible calls sin. I'm thinking about me and me first.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And marriage is thinking about her first, him first. I remember talking to this premier guy; I was mentoring him, and I said, "Hey, you know what? You're signing up for a marriage." And he's like, "Yeah, it's going to be awesome." I go, "What's going to be awesome?" He replies, "Going to love each other. We're going to serve Jesus together." I said, "Yeah, that's not what you're signing up for." He goes, "No, really, we've been honoring God with our life and our body. And you know, we're just..."

I interrupted, "Here, let me tell you what you're signing up for." He asks, "What's that?" I respond, "You're signing up to die." He laughs and says, "Yeah, that’s funny." I clarify, "No, you're signing up to die." He looks confused and asks, "What are you talking about?" I explain, "It's no longer about you, dude. Your whole life's been about you. You've thought about what you're going to eat and when you're going to sleep. When are you going to...?"

I continue, "Those days are over. Now it is about her. How do I lay down my life?" Paul wrote in Ephesians 5, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church." And he didn't stop there. He elaborated, "Okay, how did Christ love the church? He gave himself up for her. He died to forgive our sins." So he said, "You got to love your wife like that. You got to lay down your life. It's not about you anymore."

Speaker 2

What did he say?

Speaker 1

It's like, you got to deny yourself and become self worthless.

Speaker 2

This is so good.

Speaker 1

And he was just like, oh, it's not going to be that hard. I go, dude, you have no idea. That's what you're signing up for. And when you embrace that, you'll have a great marriage. If you're going to embrace, she's going to serve me. Life's going to be better and easier. And by the way, all that is true as well.

But when you walk into a marriage with, I am choosing to now give my life away to honor Christ by serving my spouse and putting her needs first, it's not about me. Place her needs before my needs, in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the back, everywhere. I wake up every day and I remember a preacher once said, do for your spouse what Christ did for you.

I remember literally that afternoon after I heard that preacher say that I was laying on the couch, and you're like, I'm going to go out and mow the yard. I'm like, oh, no. You said, hey, you want to come help me trim the bushes? And you always try to get me to do that. And I'm laying on the couch watching a football game, and you walk out like, okay, I'll do it by myself.

And you walk out and I'm laying there going, do for your spouse what Christ did for you. And I got off the couch and I went out there, and again, it was just one of those moments too.

Speaker 2

Say, I still remember you coming out and like, you're out here helping me. It was like the biggest gift to me.

Speaker 1

That's killing selfishness. And again, I wish I could say I do that every single day. But if you don't kill selfishness, if you don't ratchet down to the death, you will drift toward isolation.

Speaker 2

And what I think I've done in the past is I've had this attitude of, I have to. I'm the one that has to make dinner, and I'm the one that's having to do. Instead of that attitude of gratitude, I should embrace the mindset of, I get to. I get to serve my family; I get to raise these kids and really shape them and disciple them.

Our whole perspective is different in how we're thinking about it in our minds.

Okay, so how are you guys doing with those two? The 50/50 performance in marriage and then the selfishness? How are you doing in that? Because if you're not getting a handle on it, again, we'll drift to isolation.

Speaker 1

And I would say we're out of time. Here's my reading for you today. For the husband and for the wife. And it's just what I was quoting, Philippians 2, 3. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves. And specifically in the area of marriage, value your spouse above yourselves. Not looking to your own interest, but each of you to the interests of your spouse.

And by the way, he goes on, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his advantage. Rather, he made himself nothing. That's the hardest thing to do. Made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness and being found in appearance as a man. He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross. That's our example.

I'm telling you this, you do that and again, this isn't about thinking about her or thinking about you. You do that, you will grow toward oneness. You will have the marriage you want. It's like to get what you're hoping for, you got to empty yourself. Actually in the Greek called kenosis, he emptied himself, made himself nothing. Lay down your life for your spouse and watch what happens.

Speaker 2

I think this is a really good reminder that love is action, that we lay down our lives first, not just to each other, but first.

You lay your life down to Jesus in surrender because he will give us the power to live in a way that's other-centered rather than self-centered.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I would just end this way as this is not possible in your own strength. Oneness is not possible in your own strength. It requires a surrender to Jesus, and then he gives you the power to literally say, it's not about me anymore, it's about her, it's about him.

I'm going to serve them, and we're going to become one. Good days are ahead. Just give your life away and die.

We'll see you next time.

Speaker 2

Hey, leave some comments to let us know, like, is this hard for you? Easy for you? And even ideas about how to get closer.

Speaker 1

We meet a ton of couples who say family life helped them when they needed it the most. And that's what being a family Life partner is all about. Helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.

Speaker 2

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Speaker 1

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