FamilyLife Today®

Yana Conner: What's at the center of God's heart is reconciliation. It's the unity of all things. Ephesians 1:10 is what really guides me in my relationships with other people. Paul says, "This is the mystery of God's will, that He would unite all things in the heavens and the earth in Jesus Christ."

Dave Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I'm Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: All right, we're talking about forgiveness today with Yana Conner. It was a great conversation yesterday. I can't wait to see where we go today.

Ann Wilson: We're going deep, but we're also going biblical, which I always love that. And man, this is not an easy topic.

Dave Wilson: There's no one that doesn't need this topic. So let's go. As a Christian, you think, "Okay, I forgive everybody. I give grace at all times. I turn the other cheek." And I thought it meant this, but you're like, "Oh, it actually means a little different than you think." Explain that. That's really pretty fascinating.

Yana Conner: I've always wrestled with that text. One, Jesus, why can't I just walk away? Why do I have to turn the other cheek? Why do I have to sit in this moment of tension and embarrassment and hurt and pain with this person and turn the other cheek? Why didn't you just say walk away?

That's what my parent would tell me. If somebody punches you, just walk away and tell the teacher. Why are we not doing that here? Also, to turn the other cheek, upon our reading, it feels like you are creating an opportunity for someone to slap you again.

Dave Wilson: It’s like encouraging abuse.

Ann Wilson: Condoning it.

Yana Conner: I think Jesus is anti-abuse and anti-sin, so that doesn't make sense. That was the introduction to something else that has to be going on here that maybe I'm not seeing. I started to study Matthew and was greatly helped by the folks at the Bible Project, Dr. Tim Mackie, and one of my New Testament professors has a commentary on Matthew.

Jesus is addressing the ways in which the Jews are abusing the law of retaliation. In the Old Testament, it's an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But they are abusing that, meaning they aren't just seeking one eye, they're taking two eyes. They're using that law as a way not just to settle the score, but also to seek revenge. Jesus is like, "Okay, you can't be trusted with that. That failed."

So I say to you, you've heard it said an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, but I say to you, someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn to them the other. In this culture, that is a backhanded slap. If you know anything about Jewish culture, it's a high honor-shame culture. If you do this in a public place, and maybe even privately, you are really dehumanizing this person. You're knocking them down a few pegs.

You're saying, in essence, "I am better than you." This would be a kind of slap that a master would do with his servant as a way to say, "Get back in line." Jesus is like, "No, if they do that, you turn to them the other cheek." In that, you're offering them an opportunity to make a different opinion about your humanity.

You're saying, "No, I am a person who's worthy of dignity, honor, and respect." On the hierarchy, you might rank higher than me, but I'm still an image-bearer, still someone created in God's image, and you should treat me as such. You would be giving them an opportunity to give you a slap that's shared between equals.

It would be an open-handed slap. It's like we're going to fight. We're going to fight with open-handed slaps, essentially, is what it is. But it's also a moment of humble confrontation. I'm not going to retaliate against you, because that was really the goal of the law of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. It was to confront the person about the thing that they've done, but also bring them to a place of repentance.

But Jesus says you can't be trusted with that law. So here, just turn the other cheek, give them an opportunity to respond differently. Granted, people wouldn't do this. They wouldn't do that because it would be them saying, "Yes, you're right. I'm wrong." It would essentially be some sort of an apology. But Jesus is like, "I just want you to shake their conscience a little bit and humbly confront them about what they did and invite them to reconsider."

This is really the issue that people have with forgiveness is that they believe that forgiveness lacks any sort of accountability. While I do think there are going to be people who hurt us who we're not able to humbly confront, maybe because it's not safe or maybe because they're not here, but if they are here, Jesus is like, "No, you should confront them about that." Because if they sinned against you, they also sinned against God. So you want to invite them to not only be reconciled to you, but also to be reconciled to God.

This is where I really fall in love with Jesus and His commands even more because Jesus is not just interested in my salvation, He's also interested in the salvation of my offender. The people who have hurt me, essentially, you are making an appeal to them to be reconciled to God. I think that's when we forgive them and we humbly confront them, we're inviting them into the story that God is telling, the story of redemption, and telling them, "Hey, you're wrong, but you're not too far off from God's grace." That just points to the fact that God is up to something bigger when He commands us to forgive and to humbly confront people.

Ann Wilson: What would that look like? Give us a present-day illustration of that playing out with two people and what it would look like turning the other cheek.

Yana Conner: I think it's having a conversation. Usually what happens, somebody offends us, maybe we stuff it.

Ann Wilson: Let's use your dad. If it would have gone like that back then.

Yana Conner: I think the humble confrontation was when I went home and we had that conversation. And me sharing with him how he hurt me. Now, I didn't know how he would respond to that. I couldn't anticipate that he would respond in tears and with confession and repentance. He could have also responded in anger and said that I was ungrateful, but I wasn't responsible for that part.

Dave Wilson: It's interesting that you said you started with an apology, which in one sense says, "I'm equal."

Yana Conner: I think anytime we're in conflict with someone, if there's something that we've done wrong, we start there. We start with owning, "Hey, this is my part." I recently just been walking through something that's been tough and had to have mediation. I started by saying, "I am sorry for how I was unable to have this conversation sooner. I understand that that left you wondering what I was thinking, what I was feeling, and created all this uncertainty. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to do that." And then explaining why I was unable.

Ann Wilson: It’s the scripture of a gentle answer turns away wrath.

Yana Conner: And I think when there's nothing that you have done, there's not a side for you to own, it comes by still recognizing their humanity and leading with curiosity. Like, "Hey, so when you said this, what did you mean? How was I supposed to receive that? What were you hoping would be my response?"

Learning to lead with curiosity has been huge for me. I had to learn really early on, particularly in those early years of trying to forgive my dad and he was still drinking a lot, he was in and out, is that it takes two people to make reconciliation possible. Forgiveness, that's something I can do by myself, but reconciliation, that's going to require the other person's participation as well.

I'm so grateful for how Jesus provides us with teaching on when to reconcile and when not to reconcile. In Matthew 18, right before the parable of the unforgiving servant, He says, "Hey, if your brother or sister sins against you, go and show them their faults. Go do the humble confrontation with them." And then He says, "If they listen, you've gained them back." But if they don't listen, then go and get two witnesses to help mediate what's happening and get clarity on that, and really to discern whether or not what this person did was wrong or if you just perceive it as something was wrong, or actually maybe you're the person in the wrong.

So to mediate that conversation. And then if that person persists and continues to not listen, then to go and get the church, go get the Christian community that you're a part of. And if they persist in not listening, then He says, "Treat them like a Gentile or a tax collector." Jesus isn't being prejudiced there, He's just leaning into their cultural context there and saying, when He says "Gentile," He's like, "Hey, where you were once brothers and sisters in Christ, sharing all things in common, now treat this person as an unbeliever."

In my mind, that gives us encouragement to restructure the relationship. So my expectations are shifting, how I show up, how I come into the space is shifting, what I share is shifting because now we're not actually in fellowship with one another. But then He says to treat them like a tax collector. In that context, tax collectors were considered to be abusive people, particularly if they were Jewish, because they're functioning as traitors in that society and exploiting their community for financial gain.

The principles we can derive from that is if this person is abusive and unrepentant and continuing in sin in the relationship with them, treat them like a tax collector. What I love about that passage is that after that, Jesus is like, "Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

I think what Jesus is hitting at is that ending these kinds of relationships is really, really hard. But when you do them in community with other people, and when you do it His way, you can have the assurance that He's with you in whatever the decision that has been made. I find great comfort in that. But when I've made the decision to end a relationship with someone apart from community, apart from going to them first, then I wrestle with guilt, I wrestle with shame. But if you do it God's way, then you can have that assurance that, "Hey, I did my due diligence, I did my part."

Dave Wilson: The pushback is it sounds so not Jesus to end a relationship, to set a boundary. "Oh, no, Jesus would never do that." Yet He did. He walked away sometimes from people. "I've called you to do this," and He let them walk away from Him. So what do you say to the person who says, "That's not Jesus"?

Yana Conner: It literally is. For me, when I was studying, I wasn't even looking for this passage. I was trying to study the parable of the unforgiving servant, and then I see this passage and I'm like, "Oh my goodness, what's happening here?" And then to see that it's right before the parable of the unforgiving servant, that Jesus gives them this teaching on reconciliation and how to deal with someone when they've sinned against you.

Then Peter asks the question, "So, okay, that's good, Jesus, thank you for that. But how many times do I have to forgive this joker?" Because in Peter's mind, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Which means that in their culture, it's not the same thing. So he's like, "Three times is good, right? One for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

And Jesus is like, "No, I tell you 70 times seven." And then He tells them this parable. Jesus is giving us this distinction of forgiveness and reconciliation. But we also see this distinction at the cross. Jesus dies on the cross, 1 John, He says He dies for the sins of the world. So forgiveness has been offered to anyone who would respond to it.

But reconciliation is for those who repent and believe. It's for the people who confess their sins, who admit their wrong, and then who turn from it. And if this is Jesus' framework for how He forgives and reconciles with people, how much more should it be us? Ephesians 1:10, this is what really guides me in my relationships with other people. Paul says, "This is the mystery of God's will, that He would unite all things in the heavens and the earth in Jesus Christ."

That this is what's at the center of God's heart, is that everything would be brought back together in His Son, Jesus Christ. And then in Ephesians 2:1-10, where it says you were dead in your trespasses and sin, you were far from God, by nature children of God's wrath, but God, He's made us alive in Christ. Well, there's a second "but" in that passage, and it talks about how you were once cut off from the commonwealth of Israel, you were once far from God, but you have now been brought near.

I just think that's beautiful that Paul, even in the way that he's writing, he's trying to bring this emphasis that our reconciliation with God is just as important as our reconciliation with one another. And then it's from this reality that Paul calls us in Ephesians 4 to live a life worthy of the calling. He's not talking about ministry calling, he's talking about the calling of salvation that we've received.

How we live a life worthy of Christ's shed blood is to be humble, to be gentle, to be patient, and to be eager to maintain the unity of peace. This is what's at the center of God's heart. This is what gives God joy. And this is what we're working towards as we await for the new heavens and the new earth.

These are realities, the gospel, the cross, what Jesus did, it is meant to guide us in our relationships. And when we can't reconcile with people, it shouldn't just give us relief, it should give us grief. It shouldn't just be like, "Oh, I'm protecting my peace, I got to get this toxic person out of my life." It shouldn't be punitive, but it should be, "Man, I really don't want to make this decision." It should be a decision that we make with tears and when we have to make the decision because that's just what it is, we should hope for a different kind of ending to the story.

Dave Wilson: When you say "we should be one and when we're not it grieves us," and it grieves God, you are tender there. I mean, there was something underneath there. What are you thinking?

Yana Conner: I'm thinking about a friend. Our friendship ended abruptly. We never really got to have conversation about it. Even though that happened maybe four, five years ago, I still feel it. I miss her. And it breaks my heart that we weren't able to walk through Matthew 18 together. It breaks my heart that I didn't get an opportunity to say what maybe could have been helpful to restore.

It breaks my heart that I had to make a painful decision and say, "Unless we can have this conversation differently, I can't continue this way." It was hard for my counselor and my pastor and the other people around me to say, "You got to let this go." And there are times when I want to pick up the phone and I want to call her and I want to text her and I have to go back to that last bit of Jesus' instruction. "Whatever you bind on earth is bound in heaven." You made this decision in community.

Dave Wilson: And yet if she reaches out?

Yana Conner: Oh, I'll be overjoyed. But I know even in that, I have to wait. That's really, really hard. Because sometimes we just want to keep people because we love them. And that's something the Lord's been working with me on. Friendship isn't primarily for my enjoyment, it's for God's glory.

So then I have to widen my gaze to not just think about what I want, but to think about what's going to be the best thing for this person and their sanctification process. If I were to reach out to her, that's going to set the trajectory of our relationship going forward and I don't know if that's going to be a good thing for us, because it would mean I'm fixing it versus them coming to the table and doing whatever they need to do in order to make sure that the relationship moves forward well. So I've just had to surrender that to the Lord and say, "No, I am withholding for Your glory and for Your greater good in their life and in mine."

Dave Wilson: I know there are married couples listening who have walked through adultery, an affair.

Ann Wilson: Any kind of betrayal.

Dave Wilson: Especially that one is so painful. And I've heard this many times: "I've forgiven her, I've forgiven him, but I can't forget." And you write about forgiveness and forget. Walk us through that. How do you handle the forget part?

Yana Conner: We have to accept that forgetting may not be possible. We've grown up with the mantra "forgive and forget." "God forgets our sins, throws them as far as the east is from the west." What's that mean? I grew up hearing it all the time. He throws our sins into the sea of forgetfulness. I was like, "Okay, cool." And so I'm prepared to write this chapter and I don't really know where that verse is. So let me go to Google. It's not in there.

As far as the east is from the west is in there. He remembers our sins no more, that's in there. But not throw them in the seas of forgetfulness. That's not in our Bibles. But I think folks were referencing a verse in Micah where he says he casts our sins into the depths of the sea. And I think what Micah is talking about there that we can apply there is, how do we cast the sins of people into the depths of the sea, particularly if we've forgiven them?

Yes, you're going to be triggered and you need to process that pain. Maybe you need to process that pain with them, maybe you need to process it by yourself or with a trusted friend or a counselor. You don't want to not acknowledge the pain that you've experienced in that. And I think for married couples, how do you navigate bringing that person into that pain without them feeling like you are throwing it back in their face? "Oh, I guess you haven't forgiven me." And it's like, "I'm still walking through some things."

But you're faithfully casting it back into the sea and you're choosing to recommit to your decision to forgive them. As an act of your will. You may not feel it, but you're choosing it. I've had friends who've walked through this and we've walked through this together. And I think what's always hard for the spouse who did the offending, who had the affair, who cheated, is that they just don't know how long it's going to take. And they'll say, "How long is this going to go on that you're going to continue to bring this back up?"

But I think what that person maybe needs help recognizing is that infidelity is a kind of trauma for someone. It's a moment in which their whole reality has shifted and changed. It doesn't just color the moment that you confess, but now if you were having an affair for three months, if you were having it for six years, it causes them to go back and see all of that differently. Trust is not just broken, it's shattered. To put that back together, it's going to take time. I've been on the other side of betrayal. Anytime that person comes to me and they're like, "Hey, when are you going to start trusting me again? When are you going to do this?" and have this entitled approach to it, it helps me to see that they don't fully understand what they did.

Dave Wilson: Yana, this has been so helpful. Thank you for coming in and being so real. We appreciate your heart and your wisdom.

Ann Wilson: And for really opening up God’s word and showing us what it says. Thanks, Yana.

Yana Conner: Oh, thanks for having me. This was fun.