FamilyLife Today®

Dr. Juli Slattery: Marriage is not made of two exactly compatible people. That's not the greatest marriage. How God designed marriage is two imperfect people who are very different pursue God in such a way that they become one, where they really can honor and delight in each other and delight in the things that used to drive them crazy.

Dave Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I’m Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: We have an exciting week coming up because we're going on the boat.

Ann Wilson: Back on the Love Like You Mean It cruise. You're going to hear talks that we heard all week long back in February on the Love Like You Mean It cruise. You're going to love these sessions. We're going back out on the ocean next February and you want to be a part of it with us.

Dave Wilson: You're going to listen to these talks and you're going to have some serious FOMO. I wish I was there. You can be. Now through June 30th, you can get a deal. The code is Countdown27. You get exclusive savings and you get to be on a boat at a deal. I'm a guy that loves deals.

Ann Wilson: All you have to do is visit FamilyLifeToday.com. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and use the code Countdown27. Today, we get to go back on the cruise and we're going to hear a talk that Mike and Juli Slattery gave. A lot of you have heard Juli. She's been on with us so many times.

Dave Wilson: Mike is amazing and hilarious. They talked about the differences in their marriage. I don't know what they're talking about. We're exactly the same. All of us have differences and the question is how do we navigate that? You're going to find out today.

Dr. Juli Slattery: Mike and I have been married for almost 32 years. 32 years ago when we got married, we were so different. Now, 32 years later, we're still so different.

As a matter of fact, we are so different that a few years ago, we went to see a marriage counselor. The first thing the counselor did was give us a personality test to fill out. When we met with him, he had my profile and Mike's profile. He looked at them and said, "Frankly, I don't know how you guys are still married."

Mike Slattery: We paid him, which I don't know why we paid him for that advice. That was really bad. I want to cancel that check.

Dr. Juli Slattery: I didn't know whether I should feel good about the fact that somehow we beat the odds or if doomsday is coming. This session is going to be all about some of the things that we've learned over the years about navigating differences and how you actually become closer in spite of those differences that want to pull you apart.

I remember back to when I first met Mike. I was 20 years old and I was at 20 that uptight girl. I was always afraid of making mistakes. When I ran into this guy who is pure fun, he makes me laugh every day. He's this casual surfer dude who's like, "We'll figure it out tomorrow." I was totally drawn to that.

It was like a new world for me. I'd be like, "I can't eat a cookie. I don't want to get fat." He'd be like, "No, eat three cookies." No one gave me permission to eat cookies. It was all about the cookies, Mike. I was drawn to that, but once we got married, that same strength of him being fun-loving didn't seem very much like a strength anymore. It didn't work out so much when it was the day to do housework and Fun Mike was still playing video games. We had to work through some of those differences and they created conflict in our marriage. A lot of what we'll be sharing with you today is how we are still navigating those differences.

Mike Slattery: Those are super attractive when we're dating. The cute girl who's disciplined and smart. It's not so fun anymore when we're going through, but it was really fun. We learned to work through that.

If you know anything about Juli, she's an Enneagram Five. That's somebody who's very deep, focused, and she's very concerned about other people. One of the things that I always tease her about but this is her: she gets in the submarine and she goes really deep, like a thousand feet down. She just reads her books and the Watchman Nee and all these deep thoughts. I feel like I have to put on my scuba gear and go down there and bang on the hatch. "Time to come out!" I try to get her to come out and be with normal people because she's that smart, nerdy girl who's down there reading all the deep stuff.

That was something that we learned and her not being in the detail was something that we experienced early on in our marriage.

Dr. Juli Slattery: You can have differences in so many different areas of your marriage: how you spend money, how you parent children, what you do on the holidays, your philosophy of work versus rest. All these things usually don't go away. We are having some of the same conflicts over differences now than we did when we were first married.

A lot of what we want to talk to you about today is how do we navigate those differences. I'm going to talk about two reasons why differences in your marriage is actually a blessing to you, not just something to tolerate. Then we're going to go over five practical things that you can do in your marriage to have your differences actually be something that is building and edifying you instead of something that's tearing you apart.

Let's talk about why differences are actually good. They're not just, "Oh no, I married the wrong person," but this is what God wants, is for us to be different and to work together. There's a couple reasons why.

The first one is that differences are part of God's plan to balance you, to balance each other. Mike prayed in his prayer that God created Adam and said, "This is not good for Adam to be alone, so I'm going to bring a teammate for him, a helper for him to cover for where he's weak." From the very beginning before sin ever entered the world, God had in his mind that marriage would be between two people who are different and who need to balance each other out. We have seen this to be really true in our marriage. Our perspectives are so different that it can cause tension and cause us to argue, but in hindsight, it actually makes us more balanced people.

The second reason is because differences are the only way that you will learn what love is. In our culture, in American culture, we say the best romantic relationship or the best marriage is somebody that you're compatible with. In reality, what God says is it's not all about compatibility; it's about working towards unity. When you have to work toward unity with somebody who has a very different script of life than you do, it means you have to learn to listen, you need to learn to be unselfish, you need to communicate well.

It means you need to die to self. None of us want to do that naturally. Every time Mike and I have a difference in marriage, it's not just about how are we going to make the best decision; it's even more importantly like what does God want to do in our hearts. Instead of camping out in "You've got to come over and join me" or "Agree with me," it's about how can we learn to love each other well through our differences.

We're going to go through five specific, very practical things that we need to return to on a regular basis and that you can use as you're navigating the differences between you and your spouse.

Number one, return to the greatest common denominator. This is not a math course or anything. I went to public school, so there's no math on this. What I'm saying there is that through our differences, we actually had the same end goals in mind.

When we were parenting our kids, he might take a road of being more strict with them and more structured and I might take the road of being more empathic and shepherding them. At the end of the day, we agree on the fact that we want to raise three young men who love the Lord, who have good character, who are loyal, who know how to work hard. We agree on that. We just had different philosophies of how to get there.

Even to use a metaphor to flesh this out even further, we now live in the great state of Ohio. Do we have any Buckeyes in here? OH! IO! We're not going to talk about that blue school. Security right here. Get them. We love our brothers in Michigan and sisters.

If we were to take a road trip from our hometown in Ohio all the way to Miami, there's lots of different ways we could do that. You could just get on the freeways, go straight through, get there as quickly as possible, no sleep that night, and we've done that before. Or you can say, "Let's relax and just take our time getting down there. Let's stop in Savannah and St. Augustine and enjoy some vacation time." Or you might hate freeways and you're like, "I just want to take the back-country roads," and it'll take us two months to get there.

The point is, regardless of the road we take, our final destination is going to be Miami. We agree on that. We found that it's been really important whenever we're disagreeing about something to really go back to what do we have in common. We're on the same team. What is the goal that is represented in our discussion that we can agree on and then we can start working on how we're going to get there.

Mike Slattery: There was a counselor that we went to. We went to a lot of counselors. We're still going, supporting the cause. We went to one counselor and he framed it this way. He says, "Mike, Juli is a very linear and clear thinker. She's going to want to go A, B, C, D all the way to the end of the alphabet, the way you should."

"Mike, you start on A, you guys both start at the same place, but you're going to do a little C, maybe touch on E, maybe come back to a smidge on B, but then go to G. Eventually you're going to get to Z, but you guys are really on two different schedules in doing that."

The ultimate goal is that you're going to end up in the same place. That really came through in parenting, in finance, in work, in rest. That kept coming up. Juli's tackling it this way and I'm looking at different ways. Still common denominator trying to get to the same end goal, but we're approaching it very differently and that caused a lot of conflict.

Dr. Juli Slattery: I had to have confidence that Mike would get to Z even though he went the scenic route and patience. The greatest common denominator that Mike and I have and that many of you as married couples have is we both love the Lord. Our lives belong to the Lord and we believe that He is the one who gives wisdom, that He's our good shepherd who leads us and guides us.

Whenever we start to splinter, that's one of the first things we want to do is remember that we love God. When we go back to God in our differences, the one who unites us in Jesus Christ is so much greater than anything that could divide you. It's really about just going back to him again and again and that's our greatest common denominator.

The second thing that we're learning to do is to nurture curiosity. When Mike and I have a disagreement, my normal reaction and his too is to be defensive and to be like, "No, you're wrong about that, I'm right. Let me prove to you why you're wrong. I can give you a full account for why my way is better."

Those of you who have done that throughout your marriage, you enter into conflict with a desire to win the argument or to get your way, you know it doesn't work very well. You can actually win the argument and lose your marriage because you're not working toward unity.

Working toward unity has looked more like me being curious about why Mike thinks the way he does. For example, one of the core differences we've always had is I like to be on time or early, preferably. I hate being late. You can guess that God put me with a guy for whom time is quite relative.

Mike Slattery: I arrive exactly when I'm supposed to, just like a wizard. I don't know what's your issue.

Dr. Juli Slattery: This would drive me crazy, particularly on Sunday morning. I really like to get to church on time because the lights are still on, you can find a seat, you haven't missed any of the worship. Church starts in five minutes and we live 15 miles away and Mike's like, "I'll get you there."

Mike Slattery: We're meant to break the land speed record on Sundays.

Dr. Juli Slattery: We've had conflict over this difference for many years. At one point, we started talking about this in a different level and asking each other, "Why? Why would you not want to be on time at church? The Lord is waiting for us there."

Mike Slattery: No, he's everywhere, honey. He's everywhere. You can't put him in a box. I went to all these Christian camps and I learned all this stuff. Just kidding. I love her. I'm going to pay for that later, just so you know. I love you.

Dr. Juli Slattery: Lido deck has cots, honey.

Mike Slattery: Lido deck, here I go.

Dr. Juli Slattery: So why? Nurturing curiosity. Help us understand. The people want to know. Curious minds.

Mike Slattery: I don't like to be controlled by you. Oh my goodness. Can I get that Lido deck guy? I'm really going to need that. I don't like to be put in a box. I like to have a little freedom. Is there a couch I can lay on up here? It's the Freud I got up here helping me now. It's not in the notes. Stick to the notes.

Dr. Juli Slattery: So you can see we still have work to do, apparently.

Dave Wilson: This is FamilyLife Today and you’ve been listening to Mike and Juli Slattery, a talk that they gave on the cruise.

Ann Wilson: And we’re going right back to them.

Dr. Juli Slattery: The third one is to appreciate the good in each other. When we look at marriage, you have to understand that you are married to two versions of your spouse because every personality trait that your spouse has has a corresponding strength and weakness.

One of the things I love about Mike is he is fun. He's funny. That's a strength, but that can also be a weakness at times when you're trying to have a serious conversation, bringing down the submarine with me.

We're going to go through a couple personality traits and then call out the strengths and weaknesses of that personality trait. I want you to raise your hand if you have this personality trait: a perfectionist. We've got some perfectionists here. The great thing about perfectionists is they are very detail-oriented and they're not going to let anything fall between the cracks. You can trust them. They're dependable. The weakness is they can be overly critical or rigid, inflexible.

How about confidence? How many of you would say confidence is a natural personality trait I have? Why are you picking on mine? I don't know. Your confident spouse is going to be very decisive, but it also means that the weakness can be that they might be arrogant or impulsive because they immediately make decisions without looking back.

How about adaptable? How many of you have the character quality of being adaptable? I do. We're flexible, but we're also indecisive. If you're married to someone who's adaptable, you might have to ask them 12 times where they want to go to dinner and they still won't answer. "I don't care. Wherever you want to go."

Mike Slattery: I wish somebody would make a restaurant called "Whatever." When I ask Juli, "Where do you want to go to dinner?" "Whatever." Hey, I know where to go.

Dr. Juli Slattery: I'm married to two different aspects of Mike: the positives and the negatives. There are seasons of marriage and you all can probably relate to this where all you can see is the weakness. You totally forgot about the strength that drew you to your spouse in the first place. You camp out mentally in the weakness. You wake up with a spirit of "I'm not sure I want to keep doing this. This is too difficult."

That's not where God wants us to be. We have the opportunity to choose which version of our spouse you're going to camp out in mentally. The Scripture tells us very clearly what we should be focused on. It says in Philippians 4: "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."

Notice it doesn't say "if everything is excellent and praiseworthy." Some of us are waiting for that. "If anything is excellent and praiseworthy." Every single one of you in this room have things about you that are excellent and praiseworthy. Our marriages should be the place where we are most focused on the blessing that God has given us. That doesn't mean we don't address problems, but it does mean that we want to have a posture of heart that is grateful for the strengths of our spouse.

Let's go to number four. This one's a little bit tricky. We'll take some time to explain what I mean by this, but you really want to specialize in what you're good at, in your strength, without becoming polarized. We have the strength and weakness and we're good for each other because he likes to talk and I like to listen. If we are too camped out in this and we become polarized, neither of us will grow because I will never learn to be vulnerable and to use my voice and be courageous to say things that I need to say and you will never learn to ask questions and be quiet for a little bit.

Mike Slattery: One of the areas that this happens for us constantly is when we go to counseling. This is a thing that keeps coming up is I'm very detailed and I like to do things in a certain way. Juli is a hard worker, but she also works until she falls over. That goes back and then she's always trying to please people, but she overcommits and I feel the tension like let's keep it in a box, stay to the script, but she's like, "I signed up for this and I signed up for that." We don't have time to do stuff and I get very frustrated and we go back and forth on that.

Dr. Juli Slattery: When that happens, neither of us are growing because I don't want Mike to get in my way of the things I want to get done. When he tries to help me out with that, I feel like he's controlling me. Then he's like, "Wait, our lives are too busy. This is all your fault." Then we get polarized like that instead of learning from each other. Over the years, you really have helped me learn to relax. I know you don't see the progress, but it's there.

Mike Slattery: Your Oura ring doesn't say that. Says you're stressed all the time.

Dr. Juli Slattery: So you really want to work on not polarizing.

The fifth thing that we would encourage you to do is invite help and correction. We've already mentioned several times in the last hour how we've gone to counselors at different seasons of our marriage. Even though this is my field, I'm a trained psychologist, I know that I need eyeballs on our marriage. I need people that would speak into my life and my heart. We will not grow without that.

There are two specific times where Mike and I know we will need to go in for counseling. One of them is if we have an impasse that we can't work through. We have a disagreement about a decision we have to make, a heavy decision, not just where we're going for dinner. We have a disagreement about a big decision we need to make and we've gone through all these steps. We've prayed together, we've been curious, we're learning about each other, but at the end of the day, we have to either choose A or B and we just can't get there. We would go to a third party, whether it's a counselor or a pastor or a mentor to help speak life and perspective into this when we so disagree.

The second reason we would go to counseling is because we can't identify when we're polarizing. We know something feels wrong, but counseling has really helped us learn to be balanced instead of just pitting you against me. Every marriage has underlying problems that pop up every now and then, but they're deep-rooted dynamics that you've formed over time and it really does require somebody who has discernment and insight to be able to call that forth and show you how you can keep growing together.

Marriage is not made of two exactly compatible people. That's not the greatest marriage. How God designed marriage is two imperfect people who are very different pursue God in such a way that they become one, where they really can honor and delight in each other and delight in the things that used to drive them crazy. That would be our hope and our prayer for you.

Dave Wilson: What a great time we had today with Mike and Juli Slattery, the talk they gave on the cruise last February. Again, let us remind you, we're going back out on that boat this February and you do not want to miss it. There's a sale going on right now through June 30th. We'd love to have you on the boat. Here's how you can come join us: go to FamilyLifeToday.com, use the code Countdown27 because you'll get a great deal there and jump on the boat with us in February.

Ann Wilson: Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and those savings are now through June 30th. We’ll be back tomorrow to hear from an old friend of ours. What’s his name again?

Dave Wilson: I think maybe you’ll know his name, Bob Lepine. You don’t want to miss tomorrow.

Ann Wilson: FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.