Unlimited Grace

Guest (Male): If all we have to say to ourselves or to a new generation of our daughters is that biblical submission is a stinky duty but you got to do it because of your gender, then we may create drones or slaves or Stepford wives, but hardly will be creating the women of God that Christian husbands delight to marry, to be one with, and to respect them.

Guest (Male): So glad you joined us for today's Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. In today's episode, Pastor Bryan shares the second half of a lesson from Ephesians 5. Dr. Chapell highlights the complementary relationship that God has outlined between a husband and wife.

You can find this lesson and many others when you visit UnlimitedGrace.com. And while you're there, look for Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series.

Dr. Chapell reveals how when we lift our eyes beyond ourselves to share Paul's expansive vision, then we too will join his doxology for God's amazing grace that transforms the world. Let's hear now from Dr. Bryan Chapell as he shares the second half of the lesson, "Wisdom for Wives."

Bryan Chapell: Let me ask that you would look in your Bibles now at Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians chapter 5, as we'll be looking at verses 22 through 33. In the Grace Bibles in front of you there, that's page 978. Now because of the snow last week, a lot of us were not able to be here.

So a quick summary of what we talked about is going to be expressed in this video clip we're about to see, the wedding ceremony of NASCAR race driver Brian Scott to a single mom. Not only what he said to his prospective wife, but what he said to his new daughter, the three-year-old. Let's see what it is.

Guest (Male): I promise to always hold your hand and skip with you down the street and bring comfort to your life. I vow to make you say your prayers before you eat. I promise to read you stories at night, to always tuck you in real tight. I vow to show you how a man should treat a woman in my relationship with your mother. And above all else, I vow to protect you, care for you, and love you forever.

Bryan Chapell: A macho man who drives a NASCAR race car, a Camaro, at over 200 miles an hour to make a living, says even to a child, "I will take my resources, my strength, my authority, and I will not abandon them nor abuse them. I will use them for you."

What is a biblical head of a home? Not one who abandons his authority or abuses it, but uses it for the sake of others. That was last week. That was the easy week. This week is the conversation with women. What does it mean to be a godly wife in a Christian household?

And just a reminder, we began this whole discussion about Christian families reminding ourselves that our calling, whether men or women, is to make the face of Christ known to those that we love, to make the invisible Christ visible by the way that we treat one another. How do we do that? Well, let's read.

Ephesians 5, verses 22 through 33. Let's stand as we read this portion of God's word. Men, let me just remind you as you're standing, next week, a great time of getting together. Think about what it means for men to encourage men as we get together to say, "Let's be iron sharpening iron for Christ's sake." Today, words to women as well as men.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of His body.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

What did women do in Jesus' society for Jesus? They were companions of the disciples, not camp followers, which would have been the only role in previous settings. Expected later to be benefactors of the church movement, praying and prophesying in the church.

There were those that were simply to be understood as gifted by God for the callings they had, and the extent of that responsibility is incredible. I mean, you can of course read verse 24 in hateful ways or the way it's intended. "As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."

Now one way of saying that is you're a doormat in everything. Whatever he says, in everything, do it. Or there's another way of saying it, which is, no, if my goal is to bring my gifts into every aspect of my husband's life, then I am highly invested.

I am highly invested in seeing that the glory and good of God comes, and there's no place in my life where I'm excluded from that obligation and responsibility of helping him be all that God calls him to be. In everything, I still have this calling.

We begin to see it when we understand that this calling is truly a redemptive responsibility that is dignifying of any woman who understands it. To understand the dignity of that, look at verse 22 again. "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord."

Now I recognize an important way of reading that verse is as a statement of degree. Bring your gifts, apply them for the good of another as you would to the Lord. I mean, that's a pretty comprehensive and strong understanding for one who is in authority as the Lord Himself is.

At the same time, you must understand this is not only a statement of a degree of devotion, but the direction of it. As to the Lord. What you do, do as to... this is for the Lord's purposes, which means there are strong limits upon it. You are not called to obey a husband who is calling you to do evil.

That would not be as to the Lord. Paul uses this language other places, right? When he talks about how we work. He says work, serve others, but as unto the Lord. If your employer is calling you to do something that's unethical or it's irresponsible, no, you're not called to that.

As to the Lord, which means if a husband is abusing children, it is not submission biblically to stand in a corner and let him do it. That is not as to the Lord. It is not even right to stand silent while the husband is damaging himself or others.

No, you have been given graces in life, calling, giftedness, brains, understanding, so that it can actually be possible for us to say to a husband, if I'm a wife, to say, "That's wrong. That's not right. You need to reconsider that." Because it is not my calling to simply do nothing for another that I'm supposed to be expressing my gifts for.

There is a redemptive purpose in what I'm being called to. It's very pointed. Verse 22 again. "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord." Important words. It's why we are not Muslims in our understanding of family. We do not believe in general headship, that all women are under all men.

Submit to your own husbands. That is, there is this focus that God has upon family complementary relationships. Of all people He called you for that husband. Of all people He called that husband for you, because there is intentionality in how this marriage has come together so that each is becoming what God intends.

And in that redemptive purposeful pointed relationship, there is true dignity. And perhaps the dignity is not even understood until you look so closely at verse 22 that you consider how that word "submit" is actually placed.

Now I must tell you, I usually prefer the ESV translation, but in this one place I would actually prefer the older translations, the King James or the NIV. And it's for the reason that that word "submit" right there in verse 22 is what's in Greek called the middle voice. In English grammarians, we would call it reflexive.

If you'll look in those older translations, it says, "Wives, submit yourselves to the husband as unto the Lord." Why the distinction? Because the submission is not something imposed. It is something offered. In sacrifice for another as Christ did for us.

It is this notion that I am so concerned that I am willing to give of myself for the sake of another, and that is true dignity in the life of Christ. There is true dignity in saying, "I will live for the sake of another." That's actually what we ultimately understand in our own hearts.

Recognize this. We are all driven in our worst selves, we are all driven by the need to secure our own happiness by what we control, or what we gain, or what we enjoy for ourselves. We think that's where our happiness and fulfillment reside.

But in our saner moments, we know that our greatest satisfaction, our greatest fulfillment, our greatest dignity, is in giving ourselves for the sake of those that we love. That is actually our greatest and more deep satisfaction, that I would give of myself for those that I love.

That is the path that Jesus took, and that means that one who takes that path is actually reflecting Christlikeness, the true dignity of any person.

Guest (Male): You're listening to Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. The Apostle Paul wrote the letter to the Ephesians to declare God's plan, that the gospel of Jesus Christ would reach the world through weak and sinful people like you and me.

He writes that God has redeemed us to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth. When we lift our eyes beyond ourselves to share Paul's expansive vision, then we too will join his doxology for God's amazing grace that saves individuals, empowers the church, and transforms the world.

Yes, such grace really is possible, and Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians clearly teaches the details of this amazing truth. As a thank you for your support of our ministry here at Unlimited Grace, we would like to send you a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series.

You can request your copy of the commentary on Ephesians when you donate online at UnlimitedGrace.com, or by calling 844-41-GRACE. That's 844-414-7223. And now more from Bryan Chapell on today's Unlimited Grace.

Bryan Chapell: If God is calling us, we understand that He has called us for a reason. And that reason is to say that women who are actually living for the sake of another are fulfilling the deepest desires of their own hearts.

The task of truth in this society right now, the task of truth in this society, is to show how the duty of a Christian wife actually resonates with the deepest desires of her own heart. So that when she honors Christ and honors the husband in her family, what she's actually ultimately doing is satisfying her own heart's deepest desire.

That somehow duty and dignity and desire match. I am not saying it's exactly like, you know, the Bible says that you shall eat chocolate. And wives are to say, "Well, hey, I can get along with that command," in which desire and duty would be right there.

But I am saying something similar to that. I am saying that biblical sacrifice for the sake of another is the mark of a spirit-filled heart. And therefore when a husband or a wife is finding ways that I am according to scripture giving myself for the sake of another, that we're actually fulfilling the desires of that spirit-filled heart.

What after all is the desire of a Christian wife? Preachers swap stories, and so this one will fit. You may have heard it before. The pastor who was involved in premarital counseling for a couple, and despite that good premarital counseling, soon after the wedding, the new wife called in a panic, in virtual hysterics, to say, "We've had this awful fight, what am I supposed to do?"

And the husband with all the years of experience and patience and with great calmness said to her, "Sweetie, couples have fights. I mean, it's normal. It's not the end of the world. You'll get past this." To which she said, "I know, but what am I supposed to do with the body?"

What do wives deeply desire? A husband they don't want to kill. They want a husband that they respect. When I say that, I hope you're hearing me say this, that verse 33, as Paul is pulling all the threads together here, where he says, "Let each man love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband," that what is actually happening is Paul is coordinating command with heart's desire.

After all, the command is directed at the heart's desire. What does a woman truly want? Most women want to respect their husbands, because they want a husband that they respect. "I want to respect my husband because I want a man that I can respect."

Okay. So the command is directed at the heart's desire. Why make it a command to do it then? Because the command is also directed at the heart's deception. What do most of us think will make us happy in a marriage? If I can get that other person to satisfy me.

If they will fill up my emotional tank, if they will fill up my sexual tank, if they will do what I need to be happy, then I'll be happy. If that is our perception, that I need that person to make me happy, then life becomes a game if not a battle of taking control.

How can I control them so that they will make me happy? And how do men and women do that? Well, men take control by dominating, using greater strength or greater volume. Men take control by dominating. And so Paul goes right after that deception and he says, "Men, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her."

It was in service of her, not in strength of domination that true leadership found its mark. And if men try to control by domination, how do women try to control to make him make me happy? Typically, if it's going the wrong way, women try to control men not by dominating them, but by diminishing them.

By words, by embarrassment, by sexual control, to make a man question, hurt, to damage to his own ego, thought, whatever, to somehow diminish him so much that he becomes controllable. The consequence of that, of course, is that the man that we want to respect, by having a respectable man, we actually have a choice.

Am I going to build that man or am I going to destroy that man? Am I going to diminish and diminish by the way that I treat him? The command ultimately is driven after the heart's fulfillment. A woman wants a man that she can respect.

A man that she can respect because he is a man after God's own heart, that God is making that man respectable. But how does God do that? How does God make the man respectable? By putting a wife in his life to support and strengthen and build up and respect him.

How does she do that? How does she actually respect him? By giving him the strength of encouragement and support and love to which she is called. For us as men, that means there have to be some honest things said.

If that's the way God has designed it, that the greatest command as well as the greatest fulfillment of a woman is to respect her husband, then somehow we need it. I have to say that. I am made, wired, created to actually need my wife's respect.

I mean, for Kathy and me, one of our greatest revelations was at a board meeting at Covenant Seminary where wives were meeting with Kathy in a separate function. And just as they got to talking, these wives of very mature men, godly men, leaders in the church, began to talk to one another, and the honest confession came out from one after another.

"I did not know my husband needed my respect. I thought he was going to get that at his job." Well, the reality is husbands do need respect, and if they don't get it from their wives, they will get it from somewhere. It's the way we are wired.

And I have to say if that's true, then I have to say to my wife, "You make me more than I can be on my own." You recognize the song? "You make me more than I could be." And I have to acknowledge that.

I recognize there have been times in our marriage, in my life, in my career, where no one supported me but Kathy. Where everyone thought I was wrong or foolish or on the wrong track, and no one, my wife alone, was the one who said, "I will support you and stand with you and respect you." And I would not be where I am standing before you now if it had not been for my wife's respect, I can assure you.

Some of you will know the biography of Liz Curtis Higgs, on-air radio personality turned very popular author. Profane, angry, ridiculing of Christians, burned by men, burned by the church. So profane on the air that even Howard Stern as a guest one time said to her, "Liz, you need to clean up your act."

Despite her profanity, despite the difficulty, despite her anger at the church and anger at men, there was a Christian couple who kept inviting her to their church. Kept inviting. Finally, just to put them off, "Okay, I'll go one time. That'll shut them up."

So she went. And the verse the preacher had decided to preach on that day was, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Well, that made her so mad that she thought, "I'm going to collect some more ammunition here to crush these Christians on my next radio show."

And so she kept listening a little bit till the pastor got to verse 25. "And husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." At which point Liz leaned over toward her friend who had invited her to church and said, "Well, I'd gladly give myself to any man if I knew he would die for me."

To which the friend said, "Liz, there is a man who died for you. His name is Jesus." As unto the Lord. Not because the man who is the husband deserves it, but because he is precious to the Lord who is your Lord too.

Guest (Male): That's Pastor Bryan Chapell, and you've been listening to Unlimited Grace. You can find a collection of more valuable resources at UnlimitedGrace.com. When you visit, you will find today's message and many others from Pastor Bryan.

Also, be sure to request a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary on Ephesians. We'll send you this book right away as our way of saying thank you for your most generous financial support.

Please be sure to join us next time as once again we endeavor to put Christ at the center of our efforts so that lives might be transformed by His unlimited grace. This ministry is brought to you by Unlimited Grace Media and continues to be made possible with your generous financial support.