Unlimited Grace

Bryan Chapell: The stereotype of submission as just kind of dispensing with brain and talent and abilities is not what the Bible is accessing. It is actually saying you are intended to be complimentary, pouring all that God has given you into the completion of another. To dispense with gifts and grace and talent and brain is not your calling, but rather the full expression of them in behalf of another. Only when we see that do we begin to understand that this duty is about dignity and not about humiliation.

Guest (Male): So glad you joined us for today's Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. In today's episode, Pastor Bryan shares a lesson from Ephesians 5. Dr. Chapell highlights the relationship of wives to their husbands and the biblical approach for wives to love and submit to their husbands.

You can find this lesson and many others when you visit unlimitedgrace.com. And while you're there, look for Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series. Let's hear now from Dr. Bryan Chapell as he shares the lesson, "Wisdom for Wives."

Bryan Chapell: Pastor Andy Stanley tells of when he was a young pastor being invited to a wedding in Washington D.C. among young professionals—powerful and elite. And though he was young and not well-known at the time, his father was well-enough known as a famous TV preacher, Charles Stanley, that people kind of knew where he was on some things.

And so, after the wedding, at the reception, the party that followed, he was sitting at a table with some of these young, very powerful, affluent young people. And one of the women at the table looked to him and said, "Andy, I heard a preacher say that the husband is the head of the home because there can't be two heads of a home; that would be a two-headed monster. Is that what you really believe, Andy? You don't believe that the man is the head of the home, do you?"

From what he can recall, he answered this way. "Before I answer, let me ask you a question," he said to the young woman who had just asked. "Imagine you are married to a man who genuinely believes that you are the most fantastic person on the face of the planet. He's crazy about you. You have no doubt that your happiness is his top priority."

"He is responsible. He's not afraid to make a decision. He leads, but he listens. He cherishes you. He values your opinion. He's not argumentative; he's not arrogant or selfish. He only has eyes for you. His self-esteem, his love, his resources, his life are dedicated to leading in a way that is best for you and for his family. Would you have trouble supporting such a man?" Said the young woman, "No, I want to be introduced to him!"

Well, we can laugh, and yet there is deep truth in there. The point was made, at least partially made in the question and response, that the actions of a biblical man are actually creating the context for a biblical woman's calling. That to talk about women's submission apart from the man who gives of himself for the sake of his wife is actually just to speak nonsense. That there is a mutuality of giftedness and calling that we have to understand.

And ultimately, we know that a wife is to love her husband out of her commitment to Christ. But what that ultimately means is that she knows her biblical calling is to help her husband be the man that God intends for him to be. Now, why is that so important? Because if what you're saying is a woman is going to fulfill her calling when she meets a man who meets all the qualifications I just said, right? He puts her first, he's not arrogant, he's kind, he takes care of her in every way, he puts her needs above his... that man doesn't exist on the face of the planet.

And so, if we're going to say, "Listen, a wife's calling is only going to be in that place where she has met the perfect man," no one's going to have a calling. What do these words actually mean? What duty is being expressed when we recognize there are imperfections in all of us? Well, the duty, I suppose, is clear if we just begin by saying, "What is the duty of a Christian wife?" Her goal is to pour herself into the completion of another.

Now, I know if I just start talking at verse 22, we're all going to get hung up on the word "submit," right? "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord." But recognize even that verse is in a context. Chapter 5, verse 1 begins this way: "Be imitators of God as beloved children, walk in love as Christ loved us, gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

There is this general context in which all of those in God's household are being called to show the face of Christ to another. To actually be willing to live in sacrifice for another that God cherishes. And that sacrifice for the sake of others is what the man was called to and what the woman is called to. They have different roles in that sacrifice, but each being called to living for the other.

Actually, you have to recognize this is simply a reflection of what God himself is saying in other portions of scripture. You'll see that reflection if you'll look at verse 31 of chapter 5. "A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Surely, a physical union reference here, but also the understanding that God has called a man and a woman in complementary ways to actually be completing one another.

It's a reflection all the way back to the opening chapters of Genesis where God declared, "It is not good that a man would be what? Alone." And therefore, God created woman who would be a helper suitable for him. Now, we just need to stop right there and say, "A helper suitable for him." The word "helper" there, while it's applied to women, is more frequently in the Old Testament applied to God himself. It's a word that God actually refers to himself. The Hebrew word *ezer*. "Oh, God, our help in ages past." "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble."

It's the notion that the woman is actually God's ordained means of helping a man be what God has called him to be. That she is not complete apart from him, he not complete apart from her. That there is this intentionality that we are made one as we pour oneself into the completion of another. Now, I'm not going to contend that is always a pleasant or easy task. It is a calling, after all.

So, I think of a man who once visited our family some years ago. He simply came in humility saying, "I need to know what it means to be a father and a husband in a Christian home." Because he said this, he said, "I was raised in a home that was horrible. My father," he said, "in order to have an affair with the woman next door unheeded in any way, intentionally drove my mother into insanity."

"All that I can remember of my early childhood in terms of my parents' relationship is them physically fighting outside my bedroom door. The consequence," he says, "I don't know how to be a husband. I don't know how to be a father." And he said, "I exemplify that in fits of rage in my family where I can't control my own emotions." He said, "I thought I had a control on it, but I've learned I haven't."

And then he told us how he knew that. He said a year previous, when he had gone into a rage, he had even frightened himself. And so, he said to his wife, "If I ever lose my temper like that again, I will leave you lest I hurt you and the children." Well, it may have been a good resolve, it was a terrible promise, and it did not change him.

Sometime later, he flew into another rage, and his wife, who normally bore it so well, instead ran down the hallway, ran into the bedroom, collapsed on the bed in tears. And that sobered him a little bit and he went to her and said, "Honey, what is it? I mean, you never respond like this. You know this is the way that I am."

And she said, "Today is the one-year anniversary of the promise that you made. You said if you ever flew into rages like that, you would leave us. I did not want you to leave, but I knew you could not stop. And so, I went to our pastor and I said, 'What do I do?' And the pastor said, 'Only the Holy Spirit can change him. But you can be a support. Pray for him. Show him what it means to deal with difficulty with patience and endurance. Be an example to him. Live before him. Take your gifts and show him what it means to be one who is controlled by Christ.'"

She said, "I have done all that I could, but it has not worked. It has been one year to this day and you lost your temper again today as you have continually this last year, and I do not want you to leave us." And that's what got him. When he realized she had poured herself into him in prayer, on her knees, in example, in patience, in endurance, enduring him for his and the family's sake. It was as she poured herself into his own completion and support and help that he realized he truly needed her, and he needed help to change as well. Her goal was to take all that was hers and pour it into the completion of him, to help him in those ways.

You must understand, at its very essence, we are now describing what biblical submission is all about.

Guest (Male): You're listening to Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. The Apostle Paul wrote the letter to the Ephesians to declare God's plan that the gospel of Jesus Christ would reach the world through weak and sinful people like you and me. He writes that God has redeemed us to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

When we lift our eyes beyond ourselves to share Paul's expansive vision, then we too will join his doxology for God's amazing grace that saves individuals, empowers the church, and transforms the world. Yes, such grace really is possible, and Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians clearly teaches the details of this amazing truth.

As a thank you for your support of our ministry here at Unlimited Grace, we would like to send you a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series. You can request your copy of the commentary on Ephesians when you donate online at unlimitedgrace.com or by calling 844-41-GRACE. That's 844-414-7223. And now, more from Bryan Chapell on today's Unlimited Grace.

Bryan Chapell: Her goal was to take all that was hers and pour it into the completion of him, to help him in those ways. You must understand, at its very essence, we are now describing what biblical submission is all about. After all, what does that word mean in verse 22? "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord."

I'll tell you what our culture thinks it means, you don't have to guess. Kathy and I did a marriage conference some years ago, and afterwards a woman came up to me and she said, "Submit is what my dog does; it's not what I do." But it's not just people outside the church. I mean, even in the church, we can get pretty twisted notions.

I think of the old story about a man and wife on vacation, not quite finding the way, but him not asking directions. And so, she took out the map and began to explain where they would have to go, and there was this teenage boy voice from the backseat saying, "Mom, Mom, remember what the Bible says. Suppress, suppress!" And she said, "Young man, the word is submit, not suppress."

And that's actually an important distinction. The Greek word here, "submit"—forgive me, but you have to know—is two words put together: *hupo*, which means "under" like hypodermic, *hupo*; and the word *tasso*, which means "arrange." To arrange under. It is not to dispense with, it is not to throw away, it is not to suppress. It is to arrange one's gifts under the purpose of helping and supporting another. It is full expression of one's gifts for the good of another.

How do I know that? Because of the very examples that are given. How is this wife to do this? Verse 24: "As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." Well, how is the church supposed to submit? We've already been told. I mean, verses 18 through 20 are describing that, right? We are told there, "Be filled with the Spirit," the instruction to the church.

"Addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing, making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always for everything." We never say to the church, "Suppress your praise. Don't sing too well, don't sing too knowledgeably, don't express yourself too well." No. What do we say to honor Christ? We say, "Fully express with all the gifts and graces that God has given. Fully express what is needed for his sake, for his glory."

If a woman is to be submitting according to the example that's given of the church, then it is full expression of gifts but in behalf of another. Think of what we know if we'll just think about it. We sometimes take the Bible and we just kind of separate it from itself in ways that God never intended. We sometimes say to one, "You should be a Proverbs 31 woman."

Well, what was a Proverbs 31 woman? I mean, yes, she brought honor to her husband at the gate. How? Well, she bought food and fields. She was in real estate. She bought clothes for her children and she manufactured clothes for others and sold them. She was in retailing. In addition, she not only made things for her family, but she took care of others who were poor in the community. She was involved in charity.

The stereotype of submission as just kind of dispensing with brain and talent and abilities is not what the Bible is accessing. It is actually saying you are intended to be complementary, pouring all that God has given you into the completion of another. To dispense with gifts and grace and talent and brain is not your calling, but rather the full expression of them in behalf of another. Only when we see that do we begin to understand that this duty is about dignity and not about humiliation.

Recognize that when we understand submission is full expression of gifts in support of another, and not suppression of gifts under the thumb of another, only then will we discern that submission is about dignity and not about humiliation. How can it be? I mean, how is this passage at all talking about the dignity of a Christian wife? Well, you'll only understand that if you remember the context of these words.

I mean, how were women treated in Greco-Roman society? Until you know that, you will not recognize there is a revolution of responsibility that's being given to women in this passage. In Greco-Roman society, women were all about being property and a man's pleasure. Without the protection of law, without the protection of inheritance, women were typically married at ages 12 to 14 in an arranged marriage between their father and an older man.

The older man could dispense with the marriage at any point without consequence of law. He could dispense with his wife's life at any point without consequence of law. In society, she was more than a slave but less than a man. Aristotle, set in kind of the philosophical underpinnings of what women were thought of in Greco-Roman society, simply said this: "Women are deformed humans established by a natural but huge calamity." Others saying, "The gods created women to punish men."

Well, what's Paul saying? Something quite different. Men and women are both made in God's image. These references to Genesis here are taking us right back to Genesis. Remember 1:27 where we are being told that God made man in his own image, male and female he created them. Not a deformed human, but actually male and female both made in the image of God.

Not to punish man, but actually taken as a help suited for him with the very name of God put upon them with the notion of, "Here is suitability to actually make man be what God intended to be, to bring the glory, the necessary aspects of who man needs to be only completed by the one that God designed to fit." Which means again that unless God has gifted you for celibacy, in which your wholeness comes by being married to God alone—and that happens, I mean, that's supposed to be a blessing and a gift in the Scriptures.

But for everyone else, we are made complete and whole by the expression of giftedness of one to another as God intended. And for that reason, rather than having no inheritance rights, we are told by the Apostle Peter that man and woman are joint heirs together of the grace of God. As what God is saying is there's even eternal blessings that are shared as this marriage is being what God intended as people are performing the roles, the calling that God gave to them. And that is blessed for men and women. What was a woman? Mother of God.

What did women do in Jesus' society for Jesus? They were companions of the disciple, not camp followers, which would have been the only role in previous settings. Expected later to be benefactors of the church movement, praying and prophesying in the church. There were those that were simply to be understood as gifted by God for the callings they had, and the extent of that responsibility is incredible.

I mean, you can of course read verse 24 in hateful ways or the way it's intended. "As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." Now, one way of saying that is, "You're a doormat in everything. Whatever he says, in everything, do it." Or there's another way of saying it, which is, "No, if my goal is to bring my gifts into every aspect of my husband's life, then I am highly invested. I am highly invested in seeing that the glory and good of God comes, and there's no place in my life where I'm excluded from that obligation and responsibility of helping him be all that God calls him to be." In everything, I still have this calling.

We begin to see it when we understand that this calling is truly a redemptive responsibility that is dignifying of any woman who understands it. To understand the dignity of that, look at verse 22 again. "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord." Now, I recognize an important way of reading that verse is a statement of degree. Bring your gifts, apply them for the good of another as you would to the Lord. I mean, that's a pretty comprehensive and strong understanding for one who is in authority as the Lord himself is.

At the same time, you must understand this is not only a statement of a degree of devotion but the direction of it. "As to the Lord." What you do, do as to... this is for the Lord's purposes. Which means there are strong limits upon it. You are not called to obey a husband who is calling you to do evil. That would not be "as to the Lord." Paul uses this language other places, right? When he talks about how we work. He says work, right, serve others, but "as unto the Lord."

If your employer is calling you to do something that's unethical, that's irresponsible, no, you're not called to that. "As to the Lord," which means if a husband is abusing children, it is not submission biblically to stand in a corner and let him do it. That is not "as to the Lord." It is not even right to stand silent while the husband is damaging himself or others. No, you have been given graces in life, calling, giftedness, brains, understanding so that it can actually be possible for us to say to a husband, if I'm a wife, to say, "That's wrong. That's not right. You need to reconsider that." Because it is not my calling to simply do nothing for another that I'm supposed to be expressing my gifts for.

Guest (Male): That's Pastor Bryan Chapell, and you've been listening to Unlimited Grace. You can find a collection of more valuable resources at unlimitedgrace.com. When you visit, you will find today's message and many others from Pastor Bryan. Also, be sure to request a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary on Ephesians. We'll send you this book right away as our way of saying thank you for your most generous financial support. Please be sure to join us next time as once again, we endeavor to put Christ at the center of our efforts so that lives might be transformed by his unlimited grace. This ministry is brought to you by Unlimited Grace Media and continues to be made possible with your generous financial support.