Unlimited Grace

Bryan Chapell: Spiritual headship is not a mystery; it's not a phantasm. The reality is, we are made in such a way that, however we describe it, in whatever way we are saying, God is saying to men, "You have a responsibility." You may not like your influence; you may not even want the authority.

But the reality is, we have influence in our families that is not comparable to the influence of others in the family. So, we have a responsibility, and it is to exercise authority for Christ's sake.

Guest (Male): So glad you joined us for today's Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. In today's episode, Pastor Bryan shares a lesson on biblical headship from Ephesians 5.

Dr. Chapell highlights the role of men in the home as they are to mirror Christ to spouse and family. You can find this lesson and many others when you visit UnlimitedGrace.com. And while you're there, look for Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series. Let's hear now from Dr. Bryan Chapell as he shares the lesson, "Sacrificial Head."

Bryan Chapell: The viral video of the week is the video of NASCAR race driver Brian Scott saying his wedding vows to Whitney Kay, a single mom. In the service, he's not only giving vows to this wife, but to her three-year-old daughter.

What did that sound like? Have any of you seen the video? It was rather amazing that the macho man who makes his living driving a Chevy Camaro at over 200 miles an hour got down on his knees before a three-year-old and said these words:

"Brielle, I promise to hold your hand and bring comfort to your life. I vow to make you say your prayers before you eat. I promise to read you stories at night and to always tuck you in tight. I vow to show you how a man should treat a woman by my relationship with your mother. Above all else, I promise to protect you, to treasure you, and to love you forever."

I don't know the faith commitments of Brian Scott, but I recognize in his words what this passage of Scripture is talking about. After all, one who had great ability, great resources, great position, and great power nonetheless says, "I'm going to use what I have for your sake."

It's ultimately the definition of biblical headship: not to abuse authority, not to abandon authority, but to use authority for the sake of another. Ultimately, it's what God is saying so clearly to us. But it's not a mystery to you that this can be warped, damaged, and misrepresented in the church as well as in the culture.

After all, what is biblical headship? If you just take the cultural caricature, of course, it's Christians saying in the home by the husband, "Me Tarzan, you doormat." But that's not what the Apostle Paul is saying. This is not caveman chauvinism baptized by a few Bible verses.

This is something very special whereby the apostle is saying what you are to do, men in your home, is to actually mirror Christ. What our calling is, is to be the face of Christ to spouse and family. In order to do that, it is this combination, as the apostle begins to present these words, of courage and compassion, of strength and tenderness, all coming together because that is who Christ is and how he dealt with his bride, the church.

What is biblical headship? We know it by the responsibilities that are being described here. We don't have to go far. You can just look at verse 23: "The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior."

In whatever way you think of how Christ relates to the church, you recognize that this responsibility is in some measure an expression of authority, as Christ is the head of the church. Now, in our culture today, sometimes even among churches that cite these verses, we try to take away the notion of authority.

It's as though we're expressing here the notion of "head" as just kind of representative, as in the Roman culture, the husband was the one from whom the family got its name. So it's source, its position in society, is by virtue of the man, but supposedly no real difference there. That can't be the case.

Recognize the Apostle Paul is actually borrowing language that he's already used in this letter to the Ephesians. I want to have you turn there if you would look at chapter 1 and verse 20. How is the Apostle Paul himself describing the nature of Christ as head of the church?

In chapter 1, in verse 20, we are told that God raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but in the one to come.

And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all. Above all rule and authority, in every age, in every place is the way Christ deals with the church as its head. He is head over all things by rule, by authority, by power. He has the authority of Lord over the church.

You just can't deny that in some way what is being communicated here is the authority of Christ over the church is what men are to be expressing even in their homes. Now, I have to just pause there for a moment and just tell you my own biography.

Some of you noted in the ads that were out this week that now, hard to imagine, almost 20 years ago, Kathy and I wrote a book, "Each for the Other." We were describing biblical relationships of men and women. When we wrote that book, I would have to tell you the thing that we were responding against was a view of male headship in the church which allowed people even in the church to sometimes excuse abuse and authoritarianism.

The husband would say, "I don't have to help, I'm the head. I don't have to share my bank account with you, I'm the head. I can do whatever I want because I'm the head of the home; that's what the Bible says." We had to take care to say that is not what the Bible is saying.

But at the same time, there is authority being described. I say that now to you today because we are in a different generation. And just as an earlier generation was abusing at times the notion of headship, the more dangerous consequence of the moment is young men in their family abandoning the notion of headship.

We've had a generation of Homer Simpson and Everybody Loves Raymond and Modern Family, so that any man who is a father or husband is presumed either to be a buffoon or if he expresses authority, it's bigotry, and it's just presented as insanity of some sort.

So, young men in today's culture and in today's church, not wanting to be identified with those caricatures of wrong use of authority, simply want to say, "I don't want to go there. I don't want to have authority in my home." Yet that is actually not understanding what the Bible is giving as a responsibility.

Before I describe the responsibilities, let's just identify why would God be speaking to men so carefully to say, "I am calling you to spiritual headship." Because not thinking of how society is dealing with this, the way in which sociologists or those who have certain philosophies that are contrary to Scripture want to impose a certain homogenization of all male and female roles, recognize that what happens in the church spiritually, we are somewhat hardwired to receive.

Some years ago, Focus on the Family surveyed Christian families and simply said this: "If during a family's child-rearing years, if the first one to be a Christian in the family is a child, then the likelihood of the entire family being Christian is only 3%."

If during the child-rearing years, the first one to become a Christian in the household is the wife, the likelihood of the entire family becoming Christian is 17%. But if during the child-rearing years, the husband is the first to become a Christian, the likelihood of the entire family becoming Christian is 93%.

Spiritual headship is not a mystery; it's not a phantasm. The reality is, we are made in such a way that however we describe it, in whatever way we are saying, God is saying to men, "You have a responsibility." You may not like your influence; you may not even want the authority.

But the reality is, we have influence in our families that is not comparable to the influence of others in the family. So, we have a responsibility, and it is to exercise authority for Christ's sake, plainly said. And just as plainly said is our responsibility is not only the exercise of authority but an expression of servitude.

Look with me at verse 25: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." He was Lord above all things, and yet he gave himself. He who did not consider equality with God something to be grasped but made himself nothing, and taking the form of a servant, he became obedient, even obedient to death upon a cross.

Why? Because though he was Lord over all, he had concern for others. He was willing to take his resources, his abilities, even his authority, and use it for the sake of others. Even the first words of verse 25 should tell us what husbands are being called to do: "Husbands, love your wives."

Never is the Bible describing love as taking advantage of somebody, to somehow use them for your sake. In that great love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, where the apostle is describing what biblical love is, you are going to know these words. He simply says, "What is love? It is not rude. It is not arrogant. It is patient and kind and does not insist on its own way."

There is a willingness to use authority for the sake of others. I know it sounds contradictory. In one set of minutes I'm saying husbands, to fulfill their biblical calling, are to use their authority to make sure that a family is being governed by love and justice and mercy, so that the ministry of Christ is known in that home, that there is a spiritual leadership that husbands are being called to.

Yet having said that we are to express authority, I step right over here and say, at the same time we are to do it sacrificially in service to others. How can that be? How can you be a servant leader? Is there anybody in the Bible who does that? And of course, the answer is Christ himself.

As Christ loved the church, so we are to love. It's not an abandonment of authority. It is certainly not an abuse of authority. It is the use of a God-given authority for the sake of others. We begin to understand what it looks like as we consider the reasons that that authority is given. That's here as well. Look at verse 26.

Having said that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, verse 26 says, "That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."

What is one of the reasons that we, as the heads of homes, are to express servant leadership? One key purpose just described is to glorify our wives. Isn't that interesting? That as Christ loved the church to make her splendid. Some of your Bibles will say to make her radiant.

So that she would be without blemish, so that she would be holy and pleasing to God. The whole notion is that the church is going to know the beauty of the glories of the grace of God as the reality of Christ fills the church.

So the goal of Christian husbands is actually that their wives would know the glory of God's grace in their lives; that a wife thinking of the way her husband treats her, knows that she is splendid, radiant, glorious because of the way in which the husband is showing the face of Christ to his wife.

Now, having said that, I'm not for the moment going to tell you that is easy to understand in terms of how to express at all. If the goal is to make our wives radiant in their knowledge of the grace of God, we certainly recognize that headship can appear in other ways.

I think of words of a woman describing her husband some years ago in an article in Christianity Today. She wrote these words: "I hate him. I hate him for the way he made me feel about myself. A non-person. A slave. I can never do anything right. I could never do enough to please him. I don't know if I will ever get over the hurt that he caused in my life."

Now, I must tell you, when I hear those words, "I could never do enough to please him, I just felt like a non-person," I can't say those words in this setting or on a televised setting and recognize there are not lots of people who suddenly recognize, "That is me."

I don't want to say it, but the reality is in my home, I am made to feel like a non-person. I do not feel splendid. I do not feel glorious because of the way that my spouse treats me. I do not know if I will ever get over the hurt that he has caused in my life.

Lest you think that I'm just trying to talk down to other people, let me tell you I think I know precisely what that is all about because I recognize in my own heart, in my own life, how difficult it is at times to express even what I'm preaching to you now.

I've tried to be honest with you in the past to say at least in my teen years, my family was coming apart. The consequence of my family coming apart for a kid who was kind of artistic and sensitive was just to go on numb. The consequence of that went far into my adult years.

I recognized it after a year and a half or so of being married to my wife. I can remember I went off to work one day and going off to work one day, I said to Kathy, "The washer is broken. Call the repairman, get somebody to come in and fix the washer." She said, "Fine."

Came home that evening, repairman had not been called, had not come. Next day, "Remember to call the repairman." "Okay," she said, "I'll call." I got home that evening, "Did you call?" "No." And then suddenly, the flood of tears. "I can't do that. I'm just not capable. I can't do this, I don't know how to do it, I'm not capable of doing it."

Now, when I tell that to you, I will tell you it is embarrassing to Kathy for me to tell you; it was devastating to me because of what I knew about my wife. You know her now too. My wife Kathy is one of the most intelligent, capable people I know. Her grades were far better than mine in college. Kathy, don't listen.

She was the outstanding musician of all musicians in her university for two years running, not just flute player—all musicians she was the outstanding musician. She is simply one of the most intelligent people I know. And here was my wife telling me she could not call a repairman.

While that was embarrassing to her, what went in my brain was this: "My word, Kathy, what have I done to you? That after only a year and a half of being married to me, you feel so little about yourself that you can't call a repairman?" It began a journey in our lives of my saying how am I echoing my father, my parenting, my experience in ways that I don't even recognize?

Why is it that my wife is a perfectly capable driver until I get in the car and then she gets nervous? Why is it that she's articulate in any conversation until I would join the conversation and then she would begin to get hesitant and question herself and stumble?

What is it about me that's actually destroying you? What evil math is going on in me that somehow seems to say as long as I diminish you, I gain something myself? Yet it's so typical of us. We have to think it through carefully. Is my headship doing what Christ did for the church to make the church understand her splendor before God?

I will not tell you that I had that solved quickly, but one of the things that just began to play in my brain was a picture. This is not sophisticated, okay? It was just a picture that was in my grandmother's home years previous, and you'll recognize it, some of you, as I describe it.

It was just this old Victorian print of a boy at the wheel of a great ship. As you look at the ship, it's at storm at sea, and the waves are crashing over the bow and the sails are all ripped. Yet the boy's face is just completely confident and calm.

And the reason for it is also depicted in that picture as an image of Christ behind the boy with his hand on the boy's shoulder. The subtext: Jesus is my co-pilot. The message: that when Christ is present and real in our lives, we never feel more confident.

We never feel better than when we know Christ is near. What happened in me that when I got near to my wife, she felt worse? Not confident, not courageous. She actually felt questioning herself when I was close.

It was the beginning of a journey of saying, if Christ is treating me in such a way that I'm to be mirroring to my spouse and to my family, what does that look like? And to begin to question words and actions and thoughts that gave me authority, but not for her sake.

What does authority look like if it's meant to glorify one's wife? She begins to recognize her ability. Just the end of the story: just a few years ago, our washer was on the blink again. Said to Kathy, "Call the repairman." She didn't do it again. No, she took the part out of the machine, looked up the number, called the store, told them the part number, ordered the part, got the part and installed it herself. What a woman!

I know it's silly, but it's the journey we all have to think about. Are we adding or subtracting? Glorifying or diminishing?

Guest (Male): That's Pastor Bryan Chapell, and you've been listening to Unlimited Grace. You can find a collection of more valuable resources at UnlimitedGrace.com. When you visit, you will find today's message and many others from Pastor Bryan. Also, be sure to request a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary on Ephesians. We'll send you this book right away as our way of saying thanks for your most generous financial support.

Please be sure to join us next time as once again we endeavor to put Christ at the center of our efforts so that lives might be transformed by his unlimited grace. This ministry is brought to you by Unlimited Grace Media and continues to be made possible with your generous financial support.

Bryan Chapell: Spiritual headship is not a mystery; it's not a phantasm. The reality is, we are made in such a way that, however we describe it, in whatever way we are saying, God is saying to men, "You have a responsibility." You may not like your influence; you may not even want the authority.

But the reality is, we have influence in our families that is not comparable to the influence of others in the family. So, we have a responsibility, and it is to exercise authority for Christ's sake.