Unlimited Grace

Bryan Chapell: Children who honor their parents in heart as well as in action are discovering something spiritually about their relationship with God so that there is an eternity being secured, a soul eternity being secured. There is blessing and spiritual well-being communicated by children who learn to obey. And so, it's for our children's good that discipline is put in place.

Now, I recognize it can be hard, but it's right and it's good that children learn to obey.

Guest (Male): So glad you joined us for today's Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. In today's episode, Pastor Bryan shares the second half of a lesson from Ephesians 6. Dr. Chapell highlights God's plan for parents and the biblical directives outlined for raising children in the Lord.

You can find this lesson and many others when you visit unlimitedgrace.com. And while you're there, look for Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series. Let's hear now from Dr. Bryan Chapell as he shares the second half of the lesson, "Patterns for Parenting."

Bryan Chapell: God can of course bless singles and every stage of life, but every one of us started in a family, somehow, some way. And so, God wants to show us how to bless that in particular. And he does so in Ephesians chapter 6, verses 1 through 4. Let me ask that you'd stand as we'd read that portion of scripture in your Grace Bibles. It's page 679. Ephesians 6, verses 1 through 4, as God gives this instruction to parents and children.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Let's pray together.

Father, thank you that we can call you Father. That something deep in us reaches out for an eternal belonging and you offer it as our Father and through the gift of your Son. Help us to discern this day how that great goodness, the gospel that the Father shared with us in Jesus, is our hope, our model, our power for being those families that you are calling to reflect Christ in our nation, in our community, in the hearts of our children. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen. Please be seated.

We can laugh at the stories that we all know about the kid who may just sit in the car seat and finally sits down with this, "I may be sitting down on the outside, but I'm standing up on the inside." And we know it, we enjoy it, but we recognize if that really is where the child is, that does not bode good things for the future if attitude and action get segregated in that way.

And so the Bible is just so basic and plain in verse one there as parents are to be understanding the responsibilities of children. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Isn't that almost silly? Why include the phrase, "For this is right"? Because there are so many philosophies of child-rearing. There are so many things that go against the notion that discipline is important, that obedience is important, that children are safe and better and healthier when they obey.

The apostle just says, "You know what? It's right that children obey." And we say, "But what if they're really cute and small?" Now listen, there are different stages of child development for sure that we need to be sensitive of and aware of. There are some times Christian parents who are requiring things in discipline inappropriate for the age of their children. But if the basic question is, "Should my child learn to obey?" The Bible just says, "Yeah, this is what is right."

Why? Verse 2: "Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise." Now that's the reference to the Ten Commandments and the fifth commandment, which is honor your father and mother. And what is the promise? Verse 3: "That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." Teach your children to obey that it may go well with them. There is blessing in obedience.

If this is a safe and good path that God is laying for them and parents are helping children discover the safe and good path that God has for his people, then it's blessing to them to stay on that path. And then the hard words: "That you may live long in the land." What does that mean? That obedient children never get leukemia? No, it doesn't mean that.

Living in the land, you recognize that for a Hebrew, was part of their spiritual blessing, that God tabernacled among his people in the land. This is the expression in colloquial Hebrew understanding that you would live long in the land was talking about an eternal nearness to God. Children who honor their parents in heart as well as in action are discovering something spiritually about their relationship with God so that there is an eternity being secured, a soul eternity being secured.

There is blessing and spiritual well-being communicated by children who learn to obey. And so it's for our children's good that discipline is put in place. Now, I recognize it can be hard, but why does God take such care to just say, "You know, it's right and it's good that children learn to obey"?

For a lot of years, my family spent part of the summer in Colorado and Colorado Springs area for those of you who know that. And so we learned a lot of the sites and the attractions of the Colorado Springs area. And one place that we liked to go when our children were small was an amusement park that had a narrow-gauge train in it.

Going on that—now some of you are bumping each other, "Hey, I know that one." Yeah. You may remember as you're getting ready for the narrow-gauge train ride that you get in one of those lines where you go back and forth through the chains. You know how they do that? Go back and forth when a line gets long. And we were in a long line at one point and there was a family up in front of us who had a boy who was getting tired of being in line.

So at some point, he actually got up on the standard at a place where the line turned and he sat on the standard and he put his feet across the line, which meant no one else could get through. And so his mother kind of began this discipline process. "Johnny, come down right now." Hesitation. No action. "Johnny, I mean it. Now you come down right now."

"Johnny, I will not tell you again. Johnny, I'm going to count to three. One, two... Johnny, I'm going to tell your father. Johnny, please come down. I'll buy you an ice cream cone if you come down, Johnny." Now while we were there that day, Johnny never moved. We eventually went under the standard to the next line. And for all we know, Johnny is now 33 years old, still on that standard.

As we laugh about it, can you just in your mind's eye not only see the child on the standard sitting there, but imagine the faces of everybody around him? Glowering, angry frowns. A disobedient child only sees the world's frown. It is what you would hope for your enemy. And that is why in the Book of Proverbs, the writer says, "The parent who will not discipline his child hates his child."

Because what you are preparing for that child is what you would desire for your enemy: the world's frown. And so the Lord is making it clear that we have to understand there is a responsibility of the child to obey. Now of course, there is responsibility of the parent. And the responsibility of the parent, the next building block that we have to understand, the responsibility of the parent is that we would parent.

I'm about to say the most controversial thing that I will say in this message today, but I want you to see where I get it. The responsibility of the parent is to parent. There's a worldview that's being expressed, just understood in this passage. And you'll understand that if you look first at verse 2, speaking to children, "Honor your father and mother." Verse 4: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger."

What's the worldview that's being presented here? It's just the simple: parents raise children. Parents raise children, not grandparents, not daycare, not nannies, not coaches, not tutors. Parents raise children. Now almost everybody's mind now is racing to the exceptions. "But what about when...?" Does the Bible recognize exceptions? Of course it does.

And nobody's now going to take out a stopwatch and say for your family's necessity, "Have you now gone two hours beyond the time that you should have been home?" Nobody's doing that. That's not the point. Listen, God will truly bless necessity. I recognize and you recognize that there are things where families are torn apart, where there are deaths in families, where there are financial pressures, where there are difficulties of a time.

And we simply have to say God's grace is sufficient for all of that and he will bless areas of necessity in our lives. But if the reason that we have now begun to make our children a lesser priority than eternal souls require so that we would have a longer vacation or a nicer home or a better car or a more prestigious position, we have to say, is it really worth the eternal soul of my child? If I am putting the priority of the child below the priority of things?

Guest (Male): You're listening to Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. The Apostle Paul wrote the letter to the Ephesians to declare God's plan that the gospel of Jesus Christ would reach the world through weak and sinful people like you and me. He writes that God has redeemed us to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

When we lift our eyes beyond ourselves to share Paul's expansive vision, then we too will join his doxology for God's amazing grace that saves individuals, empowers the church, and transforms the world. Yes, such grace really is possible, and Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians clearly teaches the details of this amazing truth.

As a thank you for your support of our ministry here at Unlimited Grace, we would like to send you a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series. You can request your copy of the commentary on Ephesians when you donate online at unlimitedgrace.com or by calling 844-41-GRACE. That's 844-414-7223. And now, more from Bryan Chapell on today's Unlimited Grace.

Bryan Chapell: Is it really worth the eternal soul of my child if I am putting the priority of the child below the priority of things? I can't make that decision for you. In some ways, the Lord is calling for us to make the decision in the very way that he has worded this passage. Verse 4, did you think it so strange that when you finally get to the instruction to parents, it's just given to one parent?

The only verse that actually has positive instruction to parents is verse 4: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." It's not just talking about parents. There is family presence that is the biblical worldview, but that there is family priority in mind. So much so that God when he begins to talk about parenting, addresses the head of the home directly.

Fathers. As though there is something here to be paid attention to. I am not saying that fathers are to be the primary caregiver, that's not the point. It does say a little bit earlier, remember: "Honor your father and mother." But there is a priority on families that's being communicated that God wants us to see and to know and to understand.

I think it in my own family when there were times that we struggled so much, I've related some of that to you, where even as we struggled, I can remember a time when my father had opportunity to take a promotion in Kansas City. And at some point, he did not take it. And I can remember asking him out in the backyard one day, "Dad, why didn't you take that position?" And his saying, "Because it would not be good for our family right now."

There is a priority on the spiritual nurture of families that God is directing and simply says you must consider this. It can be hard decisions. Kathy and I have friends, he's a doctor, she's a pharmacist. Very affluent positions. And at some point, they recognized that because of their busyness and the stress of their positions, when they both got home, they had nothing but the leftovers for their kids. That the primary influence in their child's life was the nanny.

At some point they said, "We can use a nanny to some extent, but we have to think through the priorities. We are the primary persons responsible for the spiritual nurture of our children. And somehow, we have ceded away that responsibility because we haven't thought about all the implications." This was a very able, intelligent couple, and they just, "We have to think through the priorities again."

God when he says something in this passage that seems so simple but is so controversial in our time, such as parents parent children—isn't that strange that that would be controversial? Parents parent children. That notion is calling for us to make hard but important decisions, not legalistically, but realistically about who is having the greatest influence in our children's lives and making decisions as a consequence.

God is reminding us that we simply have to have responsibility clearly before us for the sake of our children. And having put the responsibility on parents, now finally there are instructions. I mean, you know verse 4: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." It's interesting that the parental responsibility begins with a "don't." Here's what you don't do.

Fathers, don't provoke your children to anger. Some of your Bibles use the word "exasperate" there. Fathers, do not exasperate your children. The three words "provoke to anger," just one word in the Greek, which is "exasperate." A word that is taken from the Old Testament that God has reserved for himself alone.

God describes his exasperation when his children of Israel have not honored his word. He grows exasperated with them. They are not doing what he requires. And now curiously, it gets inverted here. And fathers are told not to exasperate their children as though the fathers themselves may be going down a path of not honoring God's purposes.

It's almost as though the apostle is saying to you, to me as parents, are you requiring of your children what you yourself will not do? It's just not acceptable to have the little "do as I say, not what I do." That we are not to exasperate our children by correcting their tempers by raging at them. Correcting their whining by whining at them.

To do what we are trying to correct. To create the hypocrisy before them of saying, "Here's what is required, but I myself will not live by it." Ultimately, we recognize that what we are doing when we do not provoke our children to anger is we are trying to live before them the life that God calls us to live.

And how do we do that? It's not just through a series of don'ts. We do finally get to the dos. "But bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." This is the positive instruction. I want you to bring your children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, some of your Bibles say. And it's for you to understand it's not just negative.

There's positive instruction. Now whichever translation Bible you have, whether it says nurture and admonition or discipline and instruction, you recognize there's positive and negative there. That we're to be putting guardrails, the discipline, as well as guidance, the instruction. Both are needed. There's this biblical balance.

The reason I say there has to be biblical balance is I've taught seminarians enough to do preaching that I recognize the standard seminary sermon on this passage from a student who does not yet have children. The standard pattern of preaching on this passage for a student who does not have children is to say, "And what that means, parents, is you must correct every action of misbehavior. Nothing should get past you."

And I'm thinking to myself, that's either going to kill the child or kill the parent. We make prudential choices. We recognize how does God deal with us. Why is it so important where the passage ends? Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Does the Lord discipline your every sin? You'd be long gone.

And so the Lord is making decisions. What is necessary to build you up, to keep you on the straight path, to give you grace when you need it? It's your heart, it's your goodness, it's what's best for you that's always in mind. And so the Lord is balancing those things. And as he has dealt with you, saying, so deal with your children.

If all your children know from you is harsh, unbended requirement, that is not of the Lord. And if all they know from you is, "It doesn't matter, do whatever you want," that is not of the Lord. We are being called for each of our children to discern what is best for their hearts, and we cannot let ourselves off the hook as we are making those positive-negative judgment calls every day for each child.

And parents, you know this if you've got kids. Each child is not the same. Each child is not the same. Now I, because I'm a modern parent, I texted my son before I was going to tell you this. Listen, we had four children. Three of them convinced us we were the world's perfect parents. Compliant, easy to handle, ready to go down the path.

Our fourth child was not quite that way. We had a child—okay, it's a family audience, so I'll word this carefully. There was a child that we affectionately referred to as Steel Buns. Because nothing was going to impact the seat of education of that child. Nothing. And the consequence of trying to get control of him is we ended up just spanking more and more and more, trying to get control of him.

Until finally, a woman who was in Kathy's choir, a child educator with special needs kids, actually asked us one day, "Is that child really smart?" And we said, "He is incredibly smart. He's off the charts." And she said to us, "Don't you know that very intelligent children sometimes just crave stimulation? The reason that he's going to the edge of every cliff, the reason that he's hitting every child is he's just waiting for the stimulation to come back. He is craving it."

"And when you spank him, you're actually adding stimulation to his system, which is what he actually wants. He doesn't know he wants it, but it's actually feeding more of what you're trying to stop." For that child we had to say, he's not like our others. We've got to treat him differently. He's made in the image of God, he's unique in some ways.

We cannot fail to discipline him, that's our responsibility. But we have to deal with him with both instruction as well as discipline. What is appropriate for this child? And it was not magic. Let me tell you, it was not magic. But over the course of months and then years, we saw a child come under God's control as he was treated much differently from other children, but still under the discipline and nurture of the Lord.

How do you make those choices? You treat children as God treats you in his word. He gives you nurture and admonition. He tells you his heart and then works for your heart.

Guest (Male): That's Pastor Bryan Chapell, and you've been listening to Unlimited Grace. If this message has been an encouragement to you, you can find a collection of more valuable resources at unlimitedgrace.com. When you visit, you will find today's message and many others from Pastor Bryan.

Also, be sure to request a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary on Ephesians. We'll send you this book right away as our way of saying thank you for your most generous financial support. Please be sure to join us next time as once again we endeavor to put Christ at the center of our efforts so that lives might be transformed by his unlimited grace. This ministry is brought to you by Unlimited Grace Media and continues to be made possible with your generous financial support.