Unlimited Grace

Bryan Chapell: Then you rejoice that we have a Father in heaven. That more foundational than biology or background is an eternal Father, the one who has given us peace for our soul, comfort for our lives, forgiveness for our sins, pardon for our past. That is my Father. And when I recognize that, I recognize I have this model that is giving me foundational security for even what I need to live.

Guest (Male): So glad you joined us for today's Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. In today's episode, Pastor Bryan shares a lesson from Ephesians 6. Dr. Chapell highlights this passage, which presents the foundation for the building of God's families.

You can find this lesson and many others when you visit UnlimitedGrace.com. And while you're there, look for Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series.

Dr. Chapell reveals how when we lift our eyes beyond ourselves to share Paul's expansive vision, then we too will join his doxology for God's amazing grace that transforms the world. But let's hear now from Dr. Bryan Chapell as he shares the lesson, Patterns for Parenting.

Bryan Chapell: Some years ago, I was invited to a church for a series of messages, an evening conference. And because the messages were in the evening, I spent the afternoons preparing. And the pastor of that church invited me just to use his office in his home. And I did. I can remember one particular afternoon working on the message. And as I was working on the message, his children were playing outside the window.

Well, you could call it playing. It was actually an older brother who was ruling over his siblings with intimidation and cruelty and profanity. It was hard to listen to. It was harder to study through. So at some point, I just walked out the room into the hallway. And as I went out into that hallway, there was a motion that kind of caught my eye up a stairway to my left. And I looked up the stairway, and there silhouetted against the window that was at the top of the stairway was the boy's mother.

She was listening to her children playing, too. And as she listened, she flinched with the latest profanity from her oldest son, and then turned toward me, saw I was there, and I could see that she was crying. And she said, "We don't know what to do. My husband doesn't know what to do. All we know is that he is nine years old and we already have lost control of our son. We don't know what to do."

In the "we", there was actually hope because there was this acknowledgment that it was still our responsibility to reach our son, to seek the Lord. Somehow we still have responsibility here, even though we wonder what it's to be. And if you've ever faced that as a parent or feared it as a parent, grandparent, or prospective parent, you have questions of the Lord. "Lord, how do we actually become the family, raise the children as you desire according to your word?"

And if you have that longing in you, I wonder if you don't have some disappointment if you just looked at the passage with me of Scripture that we read. Because after all, this is the basic and most complete passage on parenting in the Bible. And do you know what? In this long family section that we began looking at with husbands and wives and now parents, there is one verse. One verse of explicit instruction to parents on what it means to parent children. Just one verse.

I mean, there are 20 verses if you count the whole of what it means to be a husband and a wife, and what it means to be an employee, a master of servants, what it means to be a child. But actually, Chapter 6 and verse 4 is just the only verse on parenting that's given. And it's actually just addressed to one parent, and that's the father. We long for more. We want volumes, not one verse.

And so our hearts begin to say, is there some wisdom that the Lord is communicating even the way that he is expressing things here? That what we want is we want that child-rearing instruction manual. And instead, what God is giving is an architecture to our homes, saying, here are the basic building blocks that are more important than who takes out the trash or what movies you see. Here is the building block of God's architecture. And it begins with an understanding of the foundation relationships that are so important for building God's families.

The first foundation relationship you understand if you just kind of back up into this whole epistle of the Apostle Paul. We're getting toward the end now as he begins to give instruction to parents. And you have to say, well, what already began all of this? Five chapters on the nature of the church, as the Apostle is reminding us that God called his church from all eternity to be the powerful transforming agent of his own love in all the world.

And so he called the church from the foundations of the world before they were laid. He called the church into purity, into unity, into ways in which his love is being made manifest in the home. But what's clear is that whatever he is saying to families is in the context of the church. It's just a reminder to us. If you're saying, what are the building blocks of the home, the first building block for the foundation of the home is a loving relationship with God that's established in the context of the church.

There's some people in this room, I won't identify them by name, Bill and Diane. But we had the great privilege of raising our children in a church in Southern Illinois. When we were a bunch of couples in that church, and we were all about the same age, and we all had children about the same age. And what we were doing, of course, was we were watching one another and learning from one another and instructing one another. This worked, that didn't work, how do you do this?

And it's really part of God's plan. No one knows it all. And so we're put together in the church of Jesus Christ to be helping, instructing, unifying one another so that we can learn from one another. That's actually part of the plan. And as cultures change, as people change, God is saying, but I still need my people in the church together. It's why we don't say I can just worship in the woods all out by myself. Of course you can.

But we need you, and you need us to be learning how we function together as the families that God has called. But it's not just that we need the corporate nature of the church. In the church, we are learning something about God the Father. After all, from the very first chapter, we learn that he was the Father who united us in the beloved. In this Chapter 5 in which the Apostle is beginning to say what it means to be the people of God in the home, Chapter 5 just begins with these words: "Be imitators of God as beloved children."

It's the reminder for all of us that God is our Father. And we need that. We need it first for modeling. That we are learning in the church what parenting is because we have a heavenly parent, we have a Father. Why is that important? Because despite what we may wish, we tend to become our parents. Right? You said those words would never come out of your mouth, and they did, didn't they? Right? Even the same tone.

Well, the fact that we become our parents, of course, is a good thing if we had good parents. But what if you're on the negative side? What if you simply recognize the realities that abusers tend to raise abusers, alcoholics tend to raise alcoholics, anxious parents raise anxious children? What then? Then you rejoice that we have a Father in heaven. That more foundational than biology or background is an eternal Father.

The one who has given us peace for our soul, comfort for our lives, forgiveness for our sins, pardon for our past. That is my Father. And when I recognize that, I recognize I have this model that is giving me foundational security for even what I need to live. I don't just have a Father so I can model after him. I actually need to know a Father in heaven because inevitably we will parent either out of security or insecurity.

If we parent out of insecurity, it's usually marked in our discipline, right? When do you and I tend to get the angriest at our kids? When they embarrass us. Because we don't like looking bad. We don't like being reduced in stature or status in other people's eyes. One of my worst experiences as a parent, I can remember it now, I don't like remembering it. I was at Covenant Seminary. I was a new professor. I had young kids.

And one of my kids after a chapel program came running down the center aisle and ran right into Dr. Rayburn, the president, and almost knocked him over. Now, my child was not hurt. Dr. Rayburn was not hurt. My ego was bruised. That was my child in the chapel that ran into Dr. Rayburn. I got so mad. Why? Because I was embarrassed, because of what it supposedly said about me as a parent.

And at the very moment that my child might have needed me to pick him up and hold him and say it's going to be okay, instead I was just red-faced angry. It can take other forms, can't it? When our older children are struggling with their addiction or pregnancy or anorexia or arrest. And so much of what we think about is what others will think of us. And our rage grows out of our own insecurity rather than the attention we know that our child needs in the worst of what they're struggling with.

If we don't recognize our own security in Christ, we may discipline out of the insecurity, which means that we will rage because of our fear of embarrassment. But we also may fail to discipline in our insecurity because we fear the loss of affection of our children. If I discipline, they'll get mad at me. If I discipline, they'll walk away from me. If I discipline, they'll be upset with me. That's not really the point.

We are called to be the parents of our children for their sake, not for what they think of us. And we will walk away from our discipline requirements if we are not secure in the Lord and say, but I am loved of the Father. I am secure in him. And so I discipline when needed out of my security, not of my insecurity that requires my child's affection. What I ultimately recognize is God is saying our discipline finds its consistency and its balance in understanding that I have a loving relationship with the Father that makes me secure so I can do what I'm called to do in the given moments.

Guest (Male): You're listening to Unlimited Grace, the audio broadcast ministry of pastor and author Bryan Chapell. The Apostle Paul wrote the letter to the Ephesians to declare God's plan that the gospel of Jesus Christ would reach the world through weak and sinful people like you and me. He writes that God has redeemed us to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

When we lift our eyes beyond ourselves to share Paul's expansive vision, then we too will join his doxology for God's amazing grace that saves individuals, empowers the church, and transforms the world. Yes, such grace really is possible, and Pastor Bryan's commentary on the book of Ephesians clearly teaches the details of this amazing truth.

As a thank you for your support of our ministry here at Unlimited Grace, we would like to send you a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary, which he wrote for the Reformed Expository Commentary series. You can request your copy of the commentary on Ephesians when you donate online at UnlimitedGrace.com or by calling 844-41-GRACE. That's 844-414-7223. And now more from Bryan Chapell on today's Unlimited Grace.

Bryan Chapell: What I ultimately recognize is God is saying our discipline finds its consistency and its balance in understanding that I have a loving relationship with the Father that makes me secure so I can do what I'm called to do in the given moments. Now, a question for all of us as you think about how this epistle is laid out. If it begins by talking about our security in God the Father, how is that security reinforced in the home for parents? Through our spouses.

Twelve verses to one. Twelve verses for talking about how we relate to one another in marriage before a single verse on talking about how parents should relate to their children. Why is that? Because the first building block for Christian families is a loving relationship with God in the context of the church. But the next solid building block that is needed for solid families is a loving relationship with our spouses. These are just the foundation relationships before God is talking about any practices that we would be doing as parents.

Why do we need that second building block of a foundation relationship with our spouse? Because parenting is a team sport, right? Two on one. The goal is that we would be together in disciplining and loving and caring for and figuring out how we care for our children. And we do that as we are together with our spouse. It's more than just modeling. It's understanding how children gain information, how they learn what it means themselves to be related to another person in marriage.

The way that is dear and appropriate for life's greatest blessing beyond our salvation, unless God again has gifted you for being single. If he hasn't gifted you for being single, our greatest heart's fulfillment is when united to the companion of his choosing. When that happens, you have to recognize our children are learning all kinds of things from us and in the way they are observing us.

Last Sunday, we watched that little film clip about the NASCAR race driver who was marrying the single mom and actually made vows to her three-year-old as well as to the mom. And some of the words he said, do you remember them? He spoke to the three-year-old daughter and said, "I promise to show you how a man should treat a woman by how I care for your mom. I'm going to show you what it means for a man to treat a woman as she should be treated."

At the same time, I'm teaching you what a woman should expect. Our marriages are the ways that we are showing people what God intends, how you relate to the opposite gender, how the fulfillment that God intends is to be exemplified because you love one another. You're showing it to your children. Of course, it's troublesome in today's society, isn't it? I mean, we can point to all the statistics.

Mike Flynn last week when he was up here reminded us some things. One-third of all America's youth now are growing up in homes without both biological parents in the home. There are actually scarier statistics. Those who estimate say right now of those who are born today, two-thirds of them will graduate high school without both biological parents in the home. Two-thirds. What will that mean for a culture where men and women don't know how to relate to men and women, don't have modeling of families that are whole in the Lord?

I mean, we can point to terrible things right now in the United States if you look at the imprisoned population. And by the way, if you look just at the United States, 25% of the entire world's imprisoned population is in the United States alone. And 85% of them will say they had no father influence dominant in their lives. 85% of those in prison will say no dominant father influence in their lives.

So we say, well, that's just that portion of society. But some of you have looked already and you've reminded me in that book that I wrote with Kathy, Each for the Other, we quoted the Duke study in which students at Duke University, the best and the brightest of our culture, 45% of them—and this was 10 years ago—45% of them at Duke said their parents' divorce was the most life-determinative event in their lives to that point. 45% of the students at Duke.

The most important gift you can give to your children is a good relationship with your spouse. No question. The most important gift that you can give to your children is a good relationship with your spouse. Implications: love one another deeply. Find ways to forgive. Work past the rough patches. Everybody has the rough patches. Can we say that? Everybody has the rough patches.

But to find ways to work past them to teach pardon and forgiveness and respect for somebody even when there are difficult things is what God is saying is so important. Because we know how significant it is for children to learn to relate to their future spouse. To relate to another person is simply learned in the intimacy of the parent's relationship with the child. And of course, it's not just the child learning about the relationship with the parent, but even learning about God himself.

Why is God so concerned about parents and children? Because it's again often through the intimate that we learn the transcendent. What does it mean to have a Father who loves me in heaven? Well, I sometimes learn that through the father who loves me on earth. And sometimes, of course, it's hard to learn about the Father in heaven because of a father who has struggled to love me on earth.

But when I see what God is demonstrating through the couple that he has put into my life, I'm learning about God. And so we have to say to one another in our Christian homes, however we display affection, however we explain forgiveness and help to a spouse, that's teaching our children about God and their relationship to him. So we say, all right, lots of hugs and kisses, even if the kids say yuck. Right?

In whatever way is appropriate to show affection in our family, we have to learn to do it. Now, maybe that sounds hard, but you must recognize the great hope that it is. If the relationship of spouse is so important for the child learning about God as well as about how to relate to other people, what that's saying to you and me is, parents, we all know this, right? There will be moments that we hope our children forget, right?

Where we have erred, we got too mad, we stepped out of line. And maybe it was more than a moment. Maybe we followed that crazy child-rearing book for about six months till we said, this is crazy. Whatever it was, if the foundation, the building blocks of this child relationship are not just a particular moment or even a particular period of months, but a whole relationship, that means we can make mistakes and still bless our children.

Because the mistake is not determinative. It's the relationship that's building the building blocks. It's the architecture of the home, not just mistakes made in it. We all make mistakes. God forgives you, forgive yourself, move on. And build the marriage that God intends to be the model by which your children are learning about him as well as about how to relate to others.

If you think about the relationship with God and the relationship with spouse as being foundation building blocks, you're now ready to start moving forward to say, all right, well what are the expectations? What are the actual responsibilities that are to be expressed in this parent-child relationship? So interesting that in Chapter 6 when we finally get to instruction, they're not to parents first, but to children, right?

Chapter 6 and verse 1: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." So we understand there are instructions to children. I mean, that's another one of the building blocks. We have to understand that the Bible's not silent on this. It hasn't failed to address the subject. That parents are not alone responsible. Children are responsible before the Lord to obey his word. And so there are instructions to the children and they start out with just what to do.

Now, verse 1 is not hard. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord," that's just talking about behavior or actions, right? Verse 2 is about attitudes as well as actions. "Honor your father and mother." This is reminding us that behavior is not the only object of the instruction, but heart attitude as well. So obedience with belligerence or demeaning back-talk or slammed doors is not what God is after.

Because what God is trying to do is not just raise a child, he is trying to raise an eternal soul to honor himself. And to have bare obedience without heart commitment is the worst of hypocrisy. I mean, children who are raised to be obedient only outwardly without internal desire to do so create the hypocrites that they themselves hate. And so God is saying here, I'm after the heart as well as after the behavior.

Guest (Male): That's Pastor Bryan Chapell, and you've been listening to Unlimited Grace. If this message has been an encouragement to you, you can find a collection of more valuable resources at UnlimitedGrace.com. When you visit, you will find today's message and many others from Pastor Bryan. Also, be sure to request a copy of Dr. Chapell's commentary on Ephesians.

We'll send you this book right away as our way of saying thank you for your most generous financial support. Please be sure to join us next time as once again, we endeavor to put Christ at the center of our efforts so that lives might be transformed by his unlimited grace. This ministry is brought to you by Unlimited Grace Media and continues to be made possible with your generous financial support.