Truth That Changes Lives

JP Jones: When we talk about this issue, where do you turn when you have marriage struggles? We're not talking about some small percentage of the population out there that we who've made it can somehow be equipped to help. We're talking about us. Talking about all of us.

And the answer is the same as I shared with you earlier on all of these. Where do you turn? We turn to Jesus Christ who loves us, has a plan for us, made us, died for us, rose again, wants to enter into relationship with us.

Greg: Thank you for joining us on Truth That Changes Lives. Pastor JP Jones is the senior pastor of Crossline Community Church in Laguna Hills, California, and a professor in biblical studies at Biola University. Today on Truth That Changes Lives, Pastor JP will be giving us a message from a series entitled "Where Do You Turn?" Let's listen as JP gives us part one of "When Your Marriage Is Struggling."

JP Jones: This morning we're talking about where do you turn when you have marriage struggles. If you are married, you've had a struggle at some point in time. It's just part of life. Conflict struggle is.

The issue is what do we do about it? It can either turn south on us and lead us to be distant from God and distant from one another, or it can be a stepping stone to grow closer with God and closer with others.

This past week, a lot of the TV shows were coming on, the new shows for the season, and probably like many of you, we watched some of them, we Tivoed others. We wanted to see what's our routine going to be in terms of the television offerings this year. I watched a show on Wednesday night—I don't recommend it to you—but it's called "Big Shots."

Here's the premise of the show. Four guys are buddies and they're young entrepreneurs, very successful financially and in the business world, and it's kind of a comedic view of their life and their relationships. Four guys, four main characters. One guy's divorced and is a playboy. The second guy just found out that his wife was cheating on him and he's going to have to recover from the devastation of that.

The third guy just started an affair and he's figuring out how to juggle a relationship with his mistress and with his wife. And the fourth guy is married but is very unhappy and all he does is complain about his wife. This is the humorous account of the "big shots"—the people who've made it—that we ought to emulate.

Now, I don't think I need to tell you if you've ever been touched by the pain of an affair or of a difficult marriage or of a divorce, that's nothing to laugh about. It's nothing to make light of. In my 25 years in ministry, I've counseled people in the area of pre-marital counseling, marital counseling, and divorce recovery. In my 22 years of being married, I've gone through ups and downs of relationships.

It's not something to make light of when people struggle in their marriage. And all of us, if we're married, struggle. We live in a fallen world, we have a sin nature, we have a spiritual enemy, and it takes work to experience a dynamic relationship with God and it takes work to experience an intimate relationship with your spouse. These are the facts.

So when we talk about this issue, where do you turn when you have marriage struggles, we're not talking about some small percentage of the population out there that we who've made it can somehow be equipped to help. We're talking about us. Talking about all of us. And the answer is the same as I shared with you earlier on all of these.

Where do you turn? We turn to Jesus Christ who loves us, has a plan for us, made us, died for us, rose again, wants to enter into relationship with us. We turn to His Word, which is true and the truth sets us free. And we turn to the Body of Christ, we turn to other believers who will encourage us, hold us accountable, and help us experience God's love and grace in our lives.

So this morning, we're talking about where do you turn when you have marriage struggles. In the book of Genesis, Genesis chapter 2 and chapter 3, God's original game plan is laid out for us. We learn both that marriage is created by God and also we learn what is the problem, why marriage so easily goes south.

To begin our discussion about where do you turn, I want to start with the basics. Here's number one: marriage is created by God. Marriage is created by God. It says this in Genesis 2, verses 18 to 25. "The Lord God said, 'It's not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air.

He brought them to the man to see what he would name them and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with the flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of man, and he brought her to the man.

And the man said, 'This is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, will be united to his wife, they will become one flesh." And verse 25 says, "and the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."

This passage, which maybe you've heard before, maybe you've read before, is foundational to understanding God's design for relationships. That's why it's no accident that it was included in our scriptures and it's in the very beginning because it helps us understand the foundation of who God is, who we are, and what it means to be in the most basic of human relationships—marriage, family.

We see in this passage that God made an observation after he had created man: "It's not good for man to be alone." You see, God saw something that we're not even clued into that man saw himself. He had an aloneness need. And God because he loves us, he meets our most basic human needs.

And so God provided a partner for man, a suitable helper, a perfect match, that's what the word implies. And then marriage established this new relationship, this repeated phrase that's here in Genesis and repeated several times throughout the New Testament: "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave or cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh."

So this whole new relationship is established of marriage. And in this passage we're told the primary connecting piece of marriage is this one-flesh principle. It's what Jesus talked about, it's what the Apostle Paul explained, it's revealed to us first and foremost here in Genesis chapter 2.

And then we're told as a commentary in the last verse of this account in chapter 25, the man and his wife were naked and they felt no shame. That was both literal and it was metaphorical. Literally, they didn't have any clothes on. Their original couple had no shame in each other. Full disclosure, not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.

That's God's design, that a man and woman would come together in relationship with Him and relationship with one another. There would be this one-flesh unity and it would be the one relationship where there'd be no shame. That's God's original design and plan for us.

God wants to create this. And I'd be willing to bet that just about everybody here agrees with that. I don't know your background, all of you. A lot of you I do know, some of you I recognize, others of you I don't know that we've ever really personally met. We've got a church with people coming from various spiritual traditions.

Most of the folks here, proudly, without apology, proclaim themselves to be followers of Jesus Christ. Most important relationship in their life, their relationship with Jesus. We got a lot of people here though who are her curious, they're seekers, they're asking questions, they're in some kind of process of coming to know whether or not Jesus is the Lord of their life.

But I think all of us, whatever our background is, have an innate sense that that's what marriage is all about. This past summer, I performed a couple of weddings and was involved as a pastor in several marriages. And one in particular was with a couple I met at the gym. It was part of the Jacuzzi Ministry.

I met this gal first of all and she was a competitive athlete, a triathlete, and she knew I was a pastor and she was kind of a seeker and has had a lot of questions. And so from time to time I'd see her and we'd get in a conversation, we'd always be talking about the Lord.

Then I met her fiancé and he had been a professional hockey player and he was also involved in sports. So we kind of had this gym workout spiritual kind of conversation going over the course of quite a few weeks. And then one day this past summer, at the beginning of the summer, I actually saw him after working out, we're standing outside going into the sauna.

And they said, "You do weddings, don't you?" And I said, "Yeah." "Well, we're getting married and we'd love it if you could do our wedding." And I said, "Well, I appreciate you asking me. But I need to tell you, whether you believe it or not, I have some very strong convictions about what marriage means."

"And the fact that you're asking me tells me not just that you like me as a person, but you must know there's some kind of spiritual dynamic to marriage." And they went, "Yeah." And I said, "Well, when I stand before a couple and an audience, I'm really in my mind standing before God."

"And so for me to pronounce someone husband and wife, I gotta feel good about it. I gotta really believe they ought to get married. And so before I agree to say yes, I need to see you a few times for counseling. So think about whether or not you want me to do it."

And they did. And I saw them again and they said, "We'd love for you to do it." I said, "Well, let's meet because I'm not agreeing, but I'm agreeing to talk to you about it." So we met a couple of times and talked about and I explained some of what I'm explaining with you now. This is what marriage is.

I even said to them, "It's actually okay with me if you don't understand this or you don't even necessarily believe it. What you need to know is I believe it. And if I'm going to perform your wedding ceremony, I'm going to share that with you and everybody else there. So you need to know whether you feel comfortable with me doing it."

They thought about it, they talked about it, they called me back: "We'd love for you to do our wedding." And we had a great time. We had a great ceremony. Now, what was fun for me because I know the Bible says don't judge, but I was in a sea of pagans and I think I was probably about the only Christian that was there.

And I had a blast. And I had more people come up to me at the wedding reception commenting on the things I said at the wedding. The couple, when they did their toast—they're supposed to be toasting one another—they toasted me!

They did, because it was like it touched them so much. And all I really did is read from scripture and comment what it meant and prayed over them and prayed God's blessing over them. So that tells me we all know, whether we will acknowledge it or not or live it out or not, marriage is created by God.

Marriage is created by God. All right. That's foundation. Here's a second thing and we need to know this: marriage is a union of two sinners. Not just one—don't look at your spouse right now. Marriage is a union of two sinners. Again, from the book of beginnings, the book of Genesis, Genesis chapter 3.

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any other wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, 'Did God really say you must not eat from any tree in the garden?' And the woman said to the serpent, 'We may eat from the trees in the garden, but God did say you must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden and you must not touch it or you'll die.'"

"'You will not surely die,' the serpent said to the woman. 'For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, you'll be like God knowing good and evil.' And when the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some of it and ate it."

"She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden."

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' And he answered, 'I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.' And he said, 'Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?' And the man said, 'The woman you put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.'"

"And then the Lord God said to the woman, 'What is this you have done?' And the woman said, 'The serpent deceived me and I ate.'" This passage again gives us some really important information to understand how we got in the mess that we're in and why we struggle with the stuff that we struggle.

It tells us that there is a cosmic spiritual battle that creates a larger context for all of our little skirmishes. Here they were in the garden in a perfect relationship with God and a perfect relationship with one another, but evil was still in the world. The serpent.

There had already been a cosmic spiritual fall and we don't have enough time to unpack this, but the Bible says that there is a spiritual battle and there is a real enemy. And the devil and his demons have an intentional strategy to destroy the work of God and the people of God.

And the very first act of rebellion in the human race was precipitated by this deception and temptation provided by Satan. And where did it attack? It attacked the marriage union. And that's why it's not surprising when you fast forward into the New Testament in Ephesians chapter 5 and 6.

In Ephesians 5, it talks about marriage and how it represents Christ and the Church and how a husband ought to love his wife and how a wife ought to submit to her husband and that both of those sacrificial acts are reflection of Christ's love for us and that this marriage relationship is so powerful.

It's not surprising that right after that, it says, "finally be strong in the Lord and the strength of his might, put on the full armor of God that you stand firm against the schemes of the devil, for our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and authorities and spiritual forces in dark places." Well, why would we think our struggle is against flesh and blood?

Because that's where we feel it. And what's the flesh and blood context where we feel it the most? Marriage. There's a cosmic spiritual battle that creates the context for the struggles we all face. Here's a second observation: sin had an immediate effect on the human race.

As soon as they rebelled, they recognized they were naked, they hid from God and they hid from each other. Had an immediate effect. That hiding precipitated the next effect of sin and that was blaming. God knew what went on. God saw what happened, knew what happened, but wanted to engage them in a dialogue to bring them back to restoration, back to relationship.

And so he asked them what happened. And rather than owning up, what'd they do? They blamed. Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed Satan. And in effect, they both were blaming God because Eve was provided for Adam by God and Satan had been created by God and said the serpent that you created.

Some of us are more sophisticated in our spiritual cover-up and so we just get mad at our spouse or we get mad at our boss or we get mad at circumstances or we get mad at the government. And some of us are actually a little more honest, we just get mad at God.

What happened as a result of sin was an immediate feeling of shame. Not just I did something wrong, but there's something wrong with me. So I gotta cover myself up. And then when God started probing a little bit and asking about it, that shame caused a defensiveness which was demonstrated in blaming. Shame and blame. That's what plagues all of us in our life and in our marriage.

Greg: What a great message for all of us today. Pastor JP provides us with great insight. That is why we'd like to make it available to you on CD. Just get in touch and mention today's date. We'll send it your way for just $5. Or if you'd like to support this ministry, you can write us at Truth That Changes Lives, 23331 Moulton Parkway, Laguna Hills, California 92653, or give us a call at 949-916-0250. That's 949-916-0250.

For your gift of $25 or more, we will send you a signed copy of JP's new book, "Facing Goliath." Please join us every Sunday at 9:00 or 11:00 AM at Crossline Church in Laguna Hills. The address is 23331 Moulton Parkway, Laguna Hills, California 92653, or check us out on the web at crosslinechurch.com. We're going to get to the address and phone number again in a minute. But before we do that, Pastor JP, do you have any insight from today's message?

JP Jones: Thanks, Greg. Genesis chapter 3 tells the sad story of how we left the garden, no longer in perfect fellowship with God but living in a world characterized by sin. Genesis 3 describes how both Adam and Eve disobeyed God and as a result experienced the consequence of their sin.

Immediately, according to Genesis chapter 3, when sin entered into the world, there was a deep awareness that something was wrong in the relationship with God and something was wrong in the relationship between Adam and his wife, Eve. What they did is they covered themselves and they began to blame and make excuses for their behavior.

There is a shame and blame game that has been played out in every person's life, in every marriage, in every family, ever since the original couple, Adam and Eve. That's what sin does. Sin distorts, sin deceives, sin robs us of our relationship with God and sin robs us of our intimacy with one another.

And the way we compensate and the way we experience the consequences of sin is through shame and blame. But the Bible tells us that God has given us a plan for redemption. Not only to be redeemed back into a right relationship with Him, but redeemed back into a right relationship with one another.

In other words, the forgiveness and grace and salvation plan of God restores us back to fellowship with God and restores marriage and relationship, human relationship, back to its original design and intent. Ephesians chapter 4 says this, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."

"In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you're still angry. And do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands that he may have something to share with those in need."

"Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful to build others up to give grace according to their needs, that it may benefit those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other as God in Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians chapter 4 tells us the new life that we have and that we are to put on as followers of Jesus Christ.

And it is this new life in Christ that comes up against the shame and blame game and replaces it with truth and grace. See, that's what God does. He replaces shame and blame with truth and grace. He gives new life to our relationship with Him and new life to our relationship with one another.

If we're facing some kind of marital crisis, it will in the final analysis come back to shame and blame. And the only lasting answer is truth and grace, and truth and grace are only found in Jesus Christ. That's why the Gospel directly relates not only to getting right with God but getting right with one another.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the answer to your marriage problem because it's in the Gospel that truth and grace changes you, changes your spouse, and changes your marriage. Where do you turn when your marriage is struggling? Well, turn to Jesus Christ, because in Christ you find truth and grace.

If that's what you need today, would you ask God for that? I invite you to pray with me. Lord Jesus, help me, help my marriage. Fill us with truth and grace. Give us what we don't have in ourselves but you provide for us and bring healing and hope. Cover our shame with your forgiveness and replace blame with your grace. And I pray for this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Greg: We want to help you in your relationship with Christ. Please get in touch with us at Truth That Changes Lives, 23331 Moulton Parkway, Laguna Hills, California 92653, or call us at 949-916-0250. On the internet you will find us at crosslinechurch.com.

We hope to see you at one of our services every Sunday at our new campus in Laguna Hills. For more information and directions, please go to crosslinechurch.com. Please join us next time on Truth That Changes Lives.