Love Worth Finding

Guest (Male): Listen closely as Adrian Rogers shares the importance of healthy communication in a marriage.

Adrian Rogers: Our tongues get us in trouble so much in a marriage. I'm reminded of Winston Churchill and Lady Astor. Now, they weren't married; you can be grateful for that. One time, Winston Churchill so infuriated Lady Astor, she said, "If I were your wife, I'd put arsenic in your tea." He said, "Madam, I can assure you, if I were your wife, I would gladly drink it." That's railing for railing. That happens in homes, doesn't it?

Guest (Male): Welcome to Love Worth Finding, featuring the timeless lessons and insights of beloved pastor and Bible teacher Adrian Rogers. God's plan for marriage is for man and woman to become one flesh, totally together as one. In order to be this intimate, men and women must have constant, healthy communication.

In part one of today's message, Pastor Rogers began to share four steps to total intimacy in marriage. We must understand our differences as husband and wife and give thought to the other in how we communicate. If you have your Bible, turn to 1 Peter chapter 3. We'll begin in verse 7 with part two of Total Togetherness. Here again is Adrian Rogers.

Adrian Rogers: Now, would you take God's Holy Word, please, and turn to 1 Peter chapter 3? In a moment, we're going to begin reading in verse 7. We're talking today about husbands and wives and the relationship of husbands and wives. The title of the message is Total Togetherness. That is, how to achieve intimacy in marriage.

You're going to find that the Scripture is addressed today primarily to the husband because I believe it is the wives who desire intimacy more than the man. We men sometimes are so—pardon me, fellows—stupid that we don't understand the needs of a wife and really our own deepest needs.

Let's see what God's Word has to say about how to achieve that unity in marriage. I begin reading here in verse 7. "Likewise, ye husbands; dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing."

Go back to verse 7 and look at that word "dwell." Husbands, dwell with them. The word "dwell" in the Greek language literally means to house together, to live together in the same house. It comes from two Greek words which mean "house" and "with," or to live with in the same house. That is intimacy. It literally means letting somebody else into your life.

Marriage comes to its fullest, its happiest, its most wonderful state when we achieve total togetherness—total intimacy in marriage. I see in our passage four things, four steps to total intimacy, total togetherness in marriage. The very first of these is what I want to call thoughtfulness.

The Bible says here, "Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge." That is, dwell with your wives thoughtfully according to knowledge. Actually, we could translate it this way: live together in the same house with good sense. Literally, sunoikeo, dwell in the same house with good sense, according to knowledge.

I want you to learn that a woman is different from a man other than merely physically different. She is psychologically and emotionally different, and God made her different on purpose. She is designed differently by her manufacturer. God made her different from you. If you try to make her just like you, or you think that you're going to give to her exactly what you would like to have, you're going to make a big mistake. She is equal to you, but different. We need to learn that equality is not sameness. God made her different. If you don't learn to adjust to that, you're headed for big trouble.

I want to mention several ways that a woman is different from a man. If you're going to live with your wife according to knowledge, you're going to have to learn these ways that she is different by design. For example, God has designed the man to be the leader or the initiator, and God has designed the woman to be the responder. Over and over again, the Bible says the husband is to be the head of the wife. The head is what initiates. The head is what gives leadership.

The man is designed to lead; the woman is designed to respond. Therefore, the man is to be the initiator. Take the analogy again of Christ and the Church. We love Him because He first loved us. God is the one through the Lord Jesus who has initiated that love. Correspondingly, God has made the male to be the initiator and God has made the woman to be the responder. This doesn't mean that the man is the boss in the home, but it does mean that he is to lead. Most women have a sense of insecurity when the husband does not lead.

The second difference: not only should men and women realize they're different in the fact that the man is to be the initiator and the woman is to be the responder, but men and women think different. Men tend to think logically; women tend to think emotionally. I am not saying that the man's way of thinking is better; it is different. I am certainly not saying that the man is smarter than the woman, but they come at problems differently.

A woman many times will lead with her emotions. Fellows, you need to understand that about the female psyche. Joyce tells me, "Adrian, don't listen to what I say; listen for what I mean." That's frustrating, guys. It really is. But you have to do that. Men want objective solutions to a problem, but a woman, when she's faced with a problem, she'll think about the people within that problem and begin to care for them. It's not to say that men are not emotional and women are not logical. I'm talking, however, about a basic instinct in the nature of human nature.

Let me tell you again the difference between men and women. A man, because he's goal-oriented, looks for success. But a woman, because she is relationship-oriented, looks for security. Therefore, think about it: a man sees his job as an extension of himself. The man can hardly separate himself from his job. If he's failing in his job, he has a great sense of lack of self-worth. If he's achieving in his job, he sees himself, because he's goal-oriented, as being fulfilled and worth something.

But the woman sees her home as an extension of herself. Therefore, if the man pays no attention to the home, the woman is going to feel that the man is really rejecting her. Guys, when we fail to fix the little things around the house—the leaking faucets, when we fail to do those things that she's been asking to have done over and over again—it's not the leaking faucet, it's not the door that won't close good that really bothers her. It's a way that you have said to her, "I really don't care about your life and the things that pertain to you."

We need to understand that while men are success-oriented and women are security-oriented, nothing is wrong with either one. God put both together because we need both. A husband needs to learn more about his wife than he learns about his automobile. Dwell with them thoughtfully according to knowledge. It literally means live together with good sense.

Number two, dwell with her not only thoughtfully, but dwell with her thankfully. Thankfulness is the second key to total togetherness. Look at the Scripture: "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife." Do you see that? Do you know what it means to give her honor? It really means to express appreciation to your mate. To give honor means to set something aside as having great value.

Somehow, you have to get across to your wife that you value her, that she is of worth to you, that she is important to you, that she is God's priceless gift. Therefore, you are going to grant to her the respect due to her and the position in her life. You must give this honor. If you don't give it to her, a great place in her life is going to be void.

Let your children hear you praise their mother as one of the finest things you can possibly do. Her children praise her, and her husband also rises up and gives her honor, Proverbs 31 says. You are to do that in front of your children. Praise your wife before her friends. Never, never cut your wife down in public before her friends. It's humiliating. It's degrading. If you have a fault to pick with her, certainly you can do it at home in a loving confrontation.

Give her honor. Write her a note. Let her know how much you value her, how much you appreciate her. How would you like to have to go out and hire somebody to do what your wife does if she is a homemaker? Do you think that you would just find a person off-handedly who could do these things? To be a meal planner, a nurse, a counselor, a comforter, a policeman, and a judge to settle disputes between the kids? A wardrobe consultant, a budget and financial planner, a teacher, a tutor, a cheerleader, a spiritual advisor, a nursery worker, a seamstress, a cook, a maid, a gardener, an administrator, interior decorator, chauffeur, and a historian? She's a confidante, a companion, a lover, an advisor, an encourager, a partner, a comforter. She's all of these things.

Happy is the man who learns how to express thanksgiving. Nothing will do more to intimacy in a marriage than for you to recognize those character traits and achievements in your wife and give honor to her.

Now, let me mention the third thing that she needs, and she needs it so much. Not only does she need this thankfulness, but she needs trustfulness. She needs to know that you trust her. You recognize her for her worth, you give her honor, and therefore you trust her. Listen to the logic: "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge." That's thoughtfulness. "Giving honor unto the wife"—that's thankfulness—"as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life." Underscore this phrase: "heirs together of the grace of life."

Do you know what that means? That means that there is an equality in your life, that you both as husband and wife have an equal inheritance before Almighty God. In Christ, there's neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek, bond or free; you're all one in the Lord Jesus Christ. She needs to know that you have that trustfulness of her, that you trust her.

The way that you show her that you trust her is that you're transparent with her. Absolutely truthful. That communication is constant, and she can feel free in such an attitude of trust that if there's a fault in your life, that she can confront you with that fault without fear of your retaliation or fear of your anger. She needs to know that you value her opinion so much that you will consult her before you make any major decision.

Let me show you the mark that you really have this trustfulness. The one mark that you trust your wife is that you pray with her. The Bible says you're to dwell together as heirs of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. There's nothing that will put intimacy into the marriage, there's nothing that will show trustfulness more than when husband and wife trust each other so much that they're so transparent that they can pray together.

When you pray with your wife, do you know what you're saying to her? You're saying to her, "I recognize that you're a spiritual creature. I recognize your great value before God. I recognize that you and I are equals before God. I recognize that my job and my concern is your spiritual welfare. I value you before God, and I so trust you that I'm able to be transparent before God because you cannot pray without total transparency. I value you so much that I'm willing to pray with you."

Do you know why so many husbands find it hard to pray with their wives? Because they are not willing to be intimate. They don't know how to open up. They don't know how just to lay themselves before God. We'll get off before God and tell God things we wouldn't want our wife to know. Why? We don't trust her. Not that she's not trustworthy, but we just simply do not recognize that we are heirs together of the grace of life.

To open the day and close the day with prayer as husband and wife is a binding together, a bonding together that God wants. How sweet it is as two become one flesh, they enter into that intimacy of prayer. Peter knew what he was talking about; of course, he was inspired by the Holy Spirit. He says you dwell with them according to knowledge. That is thoughtfulness—live together with good sense. Then he says give her honor; that is thankfulness. Then he says you're heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered; that is trustfulness as we pray one with another and pray one for another.

Then let me give you the last in these ingredients that will make a marriage a superglue marriage. That is what I want to call tenderness. Notice he says here in verse 7 that you are to give honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel. The weaker vessel. Now, are women weaker than men? They outlive us. They control most of the wealth in the world. It's an amazing thing. Why are they called the weaker vessel?

I think that the reason that a woman is called the weaker vessel is in the very word here itself. It actually has the idea of being a more fragile fabric. It doesn't mean it's worth less. It means it's worth more. Your wife is of a very fragile fabric. Doesn't mean she's inferior. When the Bible says you're to give her honor as unto the weaker vessel, she's a very delicate creature. She needs to be handled with tenderness.

If you'll put thoughtfulness and thankfulness and trustfulness and tenderness together, you're going to have that total togetherness. You're going to have that intimacy that's going to make the physical act of marriage all the more beautiful. But you'll never achieve real intimacy without these other things.

Now, he goes on to tell us how to be tender. He enlarges the subject to include the entire church, but he certainly includes husband and wife when he says here, "Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing."

Our tongues get us in trouble so much in a marriage. Evil for evil, railing for railing. I'm reminded of Winston Churchill and Lady Astor. Now, they weren't married; you can be grateful for that. One time, Winston Churchill so infuriated Lady Astor, she said, "If I were your wife, I'd put arsenic in your tea." He said, "Madam, I can assure you, if I were your wife, I would gladly drink it."

On another occasion, Lady Astor found Winston Churchill, and he'd been drinking. She said, "Aha, you're drunk!" He said, "That's right, and you're ugly. But tomorrow, I'll be sober." That's railing for railing. That happens in homes, doesn't it? We can be glad that Churchill and Lady Astor weren't married; it would have been Lady Disaster.

What we need to do is to take God's plan here for this tenderness. He gives us a very wonderful plan. He says here, first of all, compassion. Do you know what the word "compassion" means? Here's where tenderness comes from. Our English word "compassion" means to feel with. Can you put yourself in your wife's place and feel with her? To suffer, to say, "I understand and I care"?

Then he says, "love as brethren." You say, "Well, she's not my brother." That isn't what it means. It means that not only is your wife to be your sweetheart, she is to be your friend. This is friendship love. Somebody wrote these words: "Somebody asked me to tell the time our friendship stopped and our love began. Oh, my darling, that is the secret; our friendship never stopped." When you fall in love, you don't fall out of friendship. Love as brethren.

"Be pitiful." That means, I hurt when you hurt. I love you, my darling, as I love my own body. "Be courteous." That's where tenderness comes from. Do you know what courtesy is? It is simply love in the little things. The kind of courtesy you had for your wife when you opened the door, when you took her out on a date, when you stood by her chair and would seat her, when you would rise when she would come into a room. Or you just walk past and touch her shoulder and smile at her.

God's Word is so practical. Gentlemen, I want to challenge you in the name of Jesus to do these four things, to put these ingredients in your marriage. I want you to begin on thoughtfulness, thankfulness, trustfulness, and tenderness. You see if God doesn't do something great in your marriage. And you will dwell together as one flesh, and your home will become a little colony of heaven.

Guest (Male): What an encouraging message to think about today in all of your relationships. Here at Love Worth Finding, we love hearing how the ministry and the messages of Adrian Rogers have inspired you in your faith journey. If you can, go online to lwf.org/mylwfstory. There you can submit your own testimony or read others who have shared their stories with us. We often select stories to be shared through our Love Worth Finding community, and you can remain anonymous if you'd like. We can't wait to hear from you. Again, go to lwf.org/mylwfstory.

Now, if you'd like to order a copy of today's message in its entirety, you can call us at 1-877-LOVEGOD. Mention the title, "Total Togetherness." This message is also part of the insightful series "Superglue for the Family." For the complete four-message collection, call 1-877-LOVEGOD, or you can order online at lwf.org/radio. Or you can write us at Love Worth Finding, Box 38600, Memphis, Tennessee 38183. You may not know, you can also purchase our new Bible studies, much like this message, in our online store. For information on that, go to the website, lwf.org/radio.

Aren't you glad God's Word gives practical insight to reach total togetherness in marriage? If we communicate thoughtfulness, thankfulness, trust, and tenderness, we can reach total togetherness. So glad you decided to join us for today's message. Tune in next time for more timeless truth from Adrian Rogers, right here on Love Worth Finding.

One of our Facebook friends wrote this not long ago: "I just wanted to say I enjoy listening to Pastor Rogers. He is amazing and I learn so much about God from him. Thank you for all your work."

Here at Love Worth Finding, our mission is to share the profound truth of the gospel so simply anyone can understand. That's why when you donate to the ministry this month, we'd love to send a copy of the powerful book "His Story," rooted in the timeless teachings of Pastor Rogers. This book will help you learn practical ways to increase your head and heart knowledge of Jesus. Request a copy of "His Story" when you call with a gift at 1-877-LOVEGOD. That's 1-877-568-3463. Or if it's easier, give online at lwf.org/radio. Thank you for your generous support of Love Worth Finding.