Love Worth Finding

Adrian Rogers: Man and woman are equal in worth before God, but they've been designed with divine differences.

Now gentlemen, I want you to learn that a woman is different from a man other than merely physically different. She is psychologically and emotionally different, and God made her different on purpose.

And if you try to make her just like you, or you think that you're going to give to her exactly what you would like to have, you're going to make a big mistake. God made her different. And if you don't learn to adjust to that, you're headed for big trouble.

Guest (Male): Welcome to Love Worth Finding, featuring the profound truth of the gospel simply stated in the messages of Adrian Rogers. Last week we began a series called Super Glue for the Family, offering insights and lessons on how to turn our homes into little colonies of heaven.

God's plan for marriage is for man and woman to become one flesh, totally together as one. In order to be this intimate, men and women must have constant, healthy communication.

If you have your Bible, turn to First Peter, chapter 3, and we'll begin in verse 7. As Adrian Rogers shares four steps we can take in our marriages toward total togetherness.

Adrian Rogers: Now would you take God's holy Word, please, and turn to First Peter chapter 3, and in a moment we're going to begin reading in verse 7.

We're talking today about husbands and wives and the relationship of husbands and wives, and the title of the message is Total Togetherness.

That is how to achieve intimacy in marriage.

And you're going to find out that the scripture is addressed today primarily to the husband.

Because, I believe it is the wives who desire intimacy more than the man.

And we men sometimes are so, pardon me fellas, stupid. We don't understand the needs of a wife and really our own deepest needs.

God's plan for marriage is that man and woman become one. That means total intimacy.

It is not merely talking about physical union, but it is talking about intellectual, psychological, emotional, as well as physical dwelling together as husband and wife. Total togetherness.

All right? Let's see what God's Word has to say about how to achieve that unity in marriage.

I begin reading here in verse 7: "Likewise, ye husbands."

Now he's already spoken to the wives, and then he begins to speak to the husbands.

And he says, "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel. And as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered."

"Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another. Love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous, not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing, but contrary-wise blessing. Knowing that ye are thereunto called that ye should inherit a blessing."

Now go back to verse 7 and look at that word "dwell." Husbands, dwell with them.

The word "dwell" in the Greek language literally means to house together, to live together in the same house. It comes from two Greek words which mean house and with, or to live within the same house.

That is intimacy. It literally means letting somebody else into your life.

Now this matter of intimacy, as I have said, is more than physical. It involves the total person.

It primarily involves this matter of communication.

Husbands and wives, as we've already said, have such a difficulty communicating. One woman went to her lawyer and said, "My husband wants to divorce me."

The lawyer says, "Does he have any grounds?"

She said, "He has about 20 acres."

"Oh no," he said, "I don't mean that." Said, "Does he have a grudge?"

She said, "A what?" He said, "A grudge." She said, "No, but he has a carport."

He said, "Say, what is your problem anyway?"

She said, "He says we can't communicate."

Communication, dear friend, is right at the center of this thing called intimacy.

And there's all kinds of communication. We need to communicate emotionally, to tell the other person how we feel. We need to communicate intellectually, to tell the other person how we think.

We need to communicate socially, to tell the other person what we like to do. We need to communicate physically.

As a matter of fact, in marriage, when husband and wife come together physically, the Bible uses this terminology, that thus and such a person knew his wife.

Isn't that strange to talk about the physical act of marriage as knowing someone? But sex is a form of communication that says, "I love you."

It's a way of saying I love you that cannot be put into words. It is total intimacy.

Now, dear friend, marriage comes to its fullest, its happiest, its most wonderful state when we achieve total, total togetherness.

Total intimacy in marriage. I see in our passage before us four things, four steps to total intimacy, total togetherness in marriage.

And the very first of these is what I want to call thoughtfulness.

Now the Bible says here, "Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge."

That is, dwell with your wives thoughtfully according to knowledge.

Actually, we could translate it this way: "Live together in the same house with good sense."

Literally, live together, sumbiosis, dwell in the same house with good sense according to knowledge.

So many husbands are so stupid.

One man watched a football game on Friday night, watched two football games on Saturday, two on Sunday.

His wife said to him, "I think you love football more than you love me."

He said, "Yes, but you're ahead of basketball."

According to knowledge.

Learn something about a wife.

What does it mean to live with a car according to knowledge? You get a new automobile, what do you do? You read the manual. You see what kind of oil it takes, what kind of fuel it takes, what the air pressure in the tires is going to be. You watch the gauges.

And the gauges indicate the needs of that car. I was driving my automobile, and the gauge came on that said, "Check the oil pressure."

I immediately went into a service station and said, "Would you check the oil pressure?" Because the gauge said, "This car has a need."

And if I want that car to serve me, I have to pay attention to the needs of that car.

And God's Word is the manual, and our wife is constantly sending signals.

But many of us don't read the manual, and we pay no attention to the signals. We pay more attention to our automobiles, many of the men do than they do to their own wives.

They do not live with their wife according to knowledge.

Now, gentlemen, I want you to learn that a woman is different from a man other than merely physically different.

She is psychologically and emotionally different, and God made her different on purpose.

She is designed differently by her manufacturer.

God made her different from you.

And if you try to make her just like you, or you think that you're going to give to her exactly what you would like to have, you're going to make a big mistake.

Friends, she is different. She's equal to you, but different.

And we need to learn that equality is not sameness. God made her different.

And if you don't learn to adjust to that, you're headed for big trouble.

I heard of some ships that were out on maneuver and maneuvering at night, and word came to the captain and said, "Captain, ahead of us there's a large mass." He said, "Well, send them a message." And they said, "What shall we tell them?" He said, "You tell them to alter their course 10 degrees to the north."

And they sent out the message, "Alter your course 10 degrees to the north." The message came back and said, "You alter your course 10 degrees to the south."

The captain said, "Send this message: I'm the captain. I said alter your course 10 degrees to the north."

The message came back, said, "I'm a seaman first class. You alter your course 10 degrees to the south."

The captain was angry. He said, "Tell them that I'm in a battleship to alter their course 10 degrees to the north."

The message came back and said, "I am a lighthouse. You alter your course 10 degrees to the south."

My friend, listen. The man that doesn't learn to adjust is headed for a collision in his marriage.

I mean, there's some things you couldn't change your wife these ways if she wanted you to. She couldn't change if she wanted to. This is the way that God has made her.

I want to tell you she's different.

I want to mention four or five ways that a woman is different from a man.

If you're going to live with your wife according to knowledge, you're going to have to learn these ways that she is different, and she's different by design. For example, God has designed the man to be the leader or the initiator, and God has designed the woman to be the responder.

Over and over again the Bible says the husband is to be the head of the wife. That is, the head is what initiates. The head is what gives leadership. The man is designed to lead, the woman is designed to respond. And therefore the man is to be the initiator.

Take the analogy again of Christ and the church. We love him because he first loved us. God is the one through the Lord Jesus who has initiated that love, and correspondingly, God has made the male to be the initiator, and God has made the woman to be the responder.

Now, this doesn't mean, of course, that the man is the boss in the home, but it does mean that he's to lead. And most women have a sense of insecurity when the husband does not lead.

Now, if the husband does not lead, many times a woman will take over the leadership. But when she does take over the leadership, she always thinks less of her husband and she always thinks less of herself.

Mister, are you leading in your home? Are you leading? If you're not leading, you're failing.

And what we so many times call a bossy wife is really just a failing husband. God made the man to be the initiator, he made the woman to be the responder.

Second difference. Not only should men and women realize that they're different in the fact that the man is to be the initiator and the woman is to be the responder, but men and women think different.

Men tend to think logically. Women tend to think emotionally. Now, wait just a moment, ladies.

I am not saying that the man's way of thinking is better. It is different. I am certainly not saying that the man is smarter than the woman.

But they come at problems differently. And a woman many times will lead with her emotions. She will tell you how she feels about a situation.

And the husband will say, "Now wait a minute. Stop. What are you saying? Line it out to me, one, two, three, four." When he says that, she will begin to criticize him and say that he is harsh, that he is uncaring, that he is insensitive, he is unfeeling, he is logically cold.

He will accuse her of being, if he's not careful, unreasonable, illogical. And if he gets mad enough, he'll call her stupid, which she is not. She just comes at the problem differently.

Now, fellas, you need to understand that about the female psyche. Joyce tells me, "Adrian, don't listen to what I say, listen for what I mean." That's frustrating, guys. It really is. But you have to do that.

Now, men want objective solutions to a problem. But a woman, when she's faced with a problem, she'll think about the people within that problem and begin to care for them.

It's not to say that men are not emotional and women are not logical. I'm talking about, however, a basic instinct in the nature of human nature. Let me tell you again the difference between men and women.

Men tend to be doers, and women tend to be be-ers. Now, what I mean by that is that men are more goal-oriented in life.

Men see goals and they move, they reach out, they drive for goals. They're sort of a conquest mentality in men.

That has to be that way because God's design is that the man be the breadwinner. He is designed for that. God said to Adam, "Of the sweat of your face you're going to earn your living." He has to have goals. He has to be driven by those goals.

But the woman has to have that mating instinct and that homing instinct and that maternal instinct, so God has given to her by nature this instinct to be. She's more interested in being a mother, being a wife. She's more interested in relationships than he is.

He is interested in immediate results. She is interested in long-term relationships. And that can cause problems.

Because a man who is goal-oriented, when he reaches one goal, he wants to go to another one, even in marriage. He courts his wife, he does everything he can do to get her to marry him, and once she marries him, that's done, that's achieved.

He says, "Why chase a streetcar after you've caught it?" And so he just leaves that and he goes on to other goals. But it becomes her whole life, and while she's pouring more and more of her life into him, he may be pouring less of his life into her after the courtship than he did before the courtship.

It's very strange. So we need to understand these psychological differences. I'm going to tell you something else.

Men tend to be inward thinkers, women tend to be outward talkers.

Now, it doesn't mean again that women don't think and men can't talk. I certainly am not talking about who is the more intelligent. But men don't like to talk as much as women do.

Men just think. And you have this idea here of the silent male and the talking woman.

Now, fellas, we need to open up and communicate and talk some more, and girls, don't talk so much.

What we need is more talking thinkers and more thinking talkers. And we need to see that both of these natures have their weaknesses and both of them have their strengths.

Now, a man because he's goal-oriented looks for success. But a woman, because she is relationship-oriented, she looks for security.

Therefore, think about it. A man sees his job as an extension of himself. I mean, the man can hardly separate himself from his job.

If he's failing in his job, he has a great sense of lack of self-worth. And if he's achieving in his job, he sees himself, because he's goal-oriented, as being fulfilled and worth something.

But the woman, the woman sees her home as an extension of herself. And therefore, if the man pays no attention to the home, the woman is going to feel that the man is really rejecting her.

Guys, when we fail to fix the little things around the house, the leaking faucets. We fail to do those things that she's been asking to have done over and over again. It's not the leaking faucet. It's not the door that won't close good that really bothers her.

It's a way that you have said to her, "I really don't care about your life and the things that pertain to you." You see, for a woman, when her house is cluttered, her life is cluttered.

When there are problems at home, she has problems at home. But the man sees the home simply as a tool sometimes, a place to park, a launching pad for him to go out and do these other things.

And we need to understand that while men are success-oriented, women are security-oriented. Nothing wrong with either one. God put both together because we need both.

Now, a husband needs to learn more about his wife than he learns about his automobile. Dwell with them, number one, number one, thoughtfully. Okay? According to knowledge. It literally means live together with good sense.

Number two, dwell with her not only thoughtfully, but dwell with her thankfully. Thankfulness is the second key to total togetherness.

Look at the scripture. Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife. Do you see that? Do you know what it means to give her honor?

It really means to express appreciation to your mate. That's it.

To give honor means to set something aside as having great value.

Somehow you have to get across to your wife that you value her, that she is of worth to you, that she is important to you, that she is God's priceless gift, and therefore you are going to grant to her the respect due to her and the position in her life.

And you must give this honor. If you don't give it to her, a great place in her life is going to be void.

And how do you give your wife honor? Well, there are several ways that you can give her honor.

Number one, you can look her right in the face, right in the eyes, and tell her how much you value her, how much you appreciate her.

And when you do, when you tell her how much you value her and how much you appreciate her, include those physical qualities, her attractiveness, her beauty, her charm, her grace.

But go beyond those things. If that's all that you deal with, she'll be threatened by it.

Because, you see, up there in the first part of this chapter, the Bible tells women to have the ornament of a meek and a quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

And that meek and quiet spirit is not corruptible. What God is saying is that the outward beauty is fading and failing, as it does in all of us, and that outward frame is failing.

But when you praise your wife and when you honor your wife, say, "Darling, thank you for your tenderness. Sweetheart, thank you for your wisdom in dealing with the children. Darling, I appreciate your industry in taking care of the bookwork in our house. Or, darling, I saw you the other day in thus and such a time. I was overwhelmed at your patience."

And thank her and praise her and give her honor for those character traits. Let the children know that you honor her. Let your children hear you praise their mother is one of the finest things you can possibly do.

Her children praise her, and her husband also rises up and gives her honor, Proverbs 31 says. And you do that in front of your children.

Praise your wife before her friends. Never, never cut your wife down in public, never before her friends. It's humiliating, it's degrading.

If you have a fault to pick with her, certainly you can do it at home in a loving confrontation. Give her honor. Write her a note. Let her know how much you value her, how much you appreciate her.

How would you like to have to go out and hire somebody to do what your wife does if she is a homemaker? Do you think that you would just find a person offhandedly who could do these things? To be a meal planner, a nurse, a counselor, a comforter, a policeman, and a judge to settle disputes between the kids, a wardrobe consultant, a budget and financial planner, a teacher, a tutor, a cheerleader, a spiritual advisor, a nursery worker, a seamstress, a cook, a maid, a gardener, an administrator, interior decorator, and chauffeur, and a historian, and all of these things that she is, a confidant, a companion, a lover, an advisor, an encourager, a partner, a comforter.

She's all of these things. Happy is the man who learns how to express Thanksgiving. Nothing will do more to intimacy in a marriage than for you to recognize those character traits and achievements in your wife and give honor to her.

Guest (Male): Coming up tomorrow, we'll hear part two of this important message from Adrian Rogers. But maybe this lesson today has stirred up something in your heart that burdens you. At Love Worth Finding, one of our great honors is to come alongside you and pray with you and for you.

If you can, go to our website, LWF.org/radio, and scroll down to our prayer wall. There you'll find the option to submit a prayer request or pray for others.

This resource is one of our favorite ways to keep the ministry and the community praying continually for one another's needs. Let us hear from you today.

Now, if you'd like to order a copy of today's message in its entirety, you can call 1-877-LOVE GOD. Request the title Total Togetherness. This message is also part of the insightful series Super Glue for the Family. For that complete four-message collection, call 877-LOVE GOD, or order online at LWF.org/radio.

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And join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Total Togetherness, right here on Love Worth Finding.

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