Love Worth Finding

Adrian Rogers: In the music of marriage, men and women sing the same song but take different parts. We have a generation of kids today who are very mixed up. They don't know whether they're being raised by a feminine man or a masculine woman.

What we see today is really a tribute to the failure of men: the divorce epidemic, sexual abuse, promiscuity, social awkwardness, emotional distress, and suicide, I think primarily, is laid at the feet of the men. And men must assume responsibility.

Guest (Male): Welcome to Love Worth Finding, featuring the insightful lessons and profound biblical teachings of Adrian Rogers. This month, we're studying God's design for marriage and how we can put the music back in our relationships.

God made men and women different so that He might make us one in marriage. Marriage ought to be a duet, not a duel. We sing the same song, but we take different parts. In the music of marriage, the man takes the lead and the woman takes the harmony.

If you have your Bible, turn now to the book of Ephesians, chapter 5, beginning in verse 18, as Adrian Rogers reveals what it takes to have melody in the home.

Adrian Rogers: Ephesians chapter 5 is a music chapter, and we begin in verse 18. The Bible says, "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God."

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish."

"So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones."

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

Harmony in the home. We told you that in order for there to be music, and music that we like to listen to, there must be melody. We sing the same song. There can be harmony. We sing different parts. There ought to be rhythm, where we sing it together. So, what an illustration of what a marriage ought to be and the music of marriage.

Now, we were talking this morning about the fact that God made men and women different, that He might make us one. And how that we sing the same song, but the man sings one part and takes the lead, and the woman sings the other part and harmonizes with her husband.

But the things that I have given to you about the differences between men and women, I'm just going to tick these off just to remind you: that God teaches that the man is to be the provider and the woman is to be his helper. Number two, the man is to be a protector, the woman is to be a nurturer. She is the one who gives life.

And the man is to take the lead, and the woman is there to give beauty and enhancement to the home. Therefore, the man is more physically strong. The woman is more tender and more fragile in her nature. Now, God made us different that He might make us one. You know, Peter says we're to be heirs together of the grace of life. That is, that together we inherit the blessing.

I don't believe that you can inherit the blessing of marriage, sir, without your wife, and she cannot inherit it without you. God wants us to inherit those blessings together. Now let me give you some dynamic directions, and we leave the book of Genesis, and we come now to the apostle Paul and see how Paul took what happened in Genesis and the story of Genesis, and he brings it over into the New Testament and tells us how this should apply to us right here in the New Testament.

And may I say, dear friend, that we have a generation of kids today who are very mixed up. They remind me of the rooster who saw a plate of scrambled eggs and said to the hen, "There goes our crazy, mixed-up kids." Now, we have a group of crazy, mixed-up kids—not all kids, but we have a lot of them today.

They don't know whether they're being raised by a feminine man or a masculine woman. There has been a blurring today of the distinction between the sexes, most of it brought about by the radical feminists. But the radical feminists are but a tribute to the failure of men to be the kind of masculine men that they ought to be. We have a generation of miniature men rather than mature, masculine men.

And what we see today is really a tribute to the failure of men: the divorce epidemic, sexual abuse, promiscuity, social awkwardness, emotional distress, and suicide, I think primarily, is laid at the feet of the men. And when Eve failed, God did not primarily blame Eve. God blamed Adam for Eve's failure. And men must assume responsibility.

Now, with that in mind, let me give you five things that we men must do. So many times when we come to Ephesians chapter 5, the women wince and they say, "Oh, he's going to talk about being in submission again." Well, dear friend, I want to tell you Ephesians chapter 5 is a much tougher passage on the men, rightly interpreted.

And let me tell you what you must do if you would be a masculine, not a midget miniature man. If you want to have mature masculinity, if you would like to be able to demonstrate to your son, to your daughter, what God's original intent is and what the divine design is, you're going to find it right here.

Number one, sir, you must assume responsibility. Look, if you will, in verse 22: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and He is the savior of the body." Now, we call that sometimes the chain of command.

But the chain of command is not the best way to describe that. What we're really talking about here is the chain of responsibility. To be the head literally means that you are responsible. It doesn't mean that you exist to have your needs met because you're the head. It means you exist to meet needs. Now, husbands, we cannot escape that responsibility.

Put in your margin 1 Corinthians 11:3. The apostle Paul says, "But I would have you to know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God." Now, our problem is today that we have so many men who have not assumed responsibility. They have wanted to have headship without responsibility.

Now, when your wife is told to be subject to you, that means she's to look to you. It doesn't mean that she's there to be your servant, but she is there to have those basic needs met by you. The fact that she submits to you means that you have, therefore, the responsibility to take care of her. And your leadership is to be servant leadership.

Wives, submission does not mean inferiority. Now, the devil would tell us that if you're in submission, you're inferior. But that's a lie out of hell. May I tell you that Philippians chapter 2 tells us that the Lord thought it not a thing to be grasped, to be equal with God, yet made Himself of no reputation, took upon Him the form of a servant, and became obedient.

And the Bible says, "Wherefore God hath highly exalted Him." Jesus took the low way and God exalted Him. The devil took the high way and God has brought him down and will bring him down to the very pit. Now, what I'm saying is this: that we are never more like Jesus when we have a submissive spirit. We're never more like the devil when we have a rebellious spirit.

Now, if God the Father is the head of Christ the Son, does that mean that Christ the Son is inferior to God the Father? Not at all. God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are co-equal and co-eternal. It would be sheer blasphemy and a distortion of basic Christian doctrine to say that there's inferiority in the Godhead.

And yet eternally, the Lord Jesus Christ is in a state of submission to the Eternal Father. Now, the woman is not at all inferior to the man when she is in submission to the man. What Christian submission is, simply and plainly, it is one equal voluntarily placing him or herself under another equal that Jesus Christ may therefore be glorified. That's all it is. One equal voluntarily placing him or herself under another equal that God may therefore be glorified.

Now, so many times we talk about husband and wife as a partnership. But partnership is not the best way to describe it. David MacLaughlin was here and he gave us a course, the role of the man in the family. And one of the illustrations that he gave was tremendous. He said, "Don't think of the family with husband and wife as partners."

Because when you have a partnership, then you don't really have a head. What you have, decisions are made all kinds of ways, by votes and so forth, and whoever gets the most votes, and all of that, then that's the way the decisions are made for the corporation. What a husband and wife are more like, an analogy that we can fit in with, is not partnership, but a team.

The husband and the wife are the team. Let's take a football team. That's a good analogy of the relationship between husband and wife. Now, a football team has a quarterback. I used to play football and part of the time I played quarterback. And the quarterback directs the team. Now, who says that the quarterback is to call the plays?

Well, the coach says the quarterback is to call the plays. Does that mean that the quarterback is the best athlete on the team? Not necessarily so. There may be other people on the team who could run faster than the quarterback, have more agility, more natural ability than the quarterback. But the quarterback calls the plays, why?

Simply because the coach said so. Does that mean that the husband is superior to the wife? No, he's just simply the quarterback of the team because the coach says so, that's all. It's teamwork. It doesn't mean that he is more competent than his wife. My Joyce is more competent than I am in a lot of areas. And I just have to admit it.

Now, I can do some things she can't do. But she in some areas is more competent than I am, and Joyce takes care of details in our home that would be difficult for me to take care of. I suppose I could do it, but I'm so grateful that she is competent in those areas. But God the coach has still said that I'm to call the play.

Now, when I would call a play in football, many times people would come back to the huddle, and a guard would say, "I can move this fellow out." A wide receiver might say, "I can put a move on that guy. I am free. Get the ball to me, I'm free." Or somebody else would say, "I believe if it's only three yards, we can go right up the middle."

And the quarterback has to listen to all that. He also has to listen to the coach, who just simply may send in a play, and then it's all over; you just do what the coach says. Or he just may make up his own mind this is the best play to run. But he calls the play not because he's the best athlete, just simply because the coach says somebody has to do it, and it's better for everybody to be going in one direction after you come together.

Now, learn this, men, when we're talking about assuming responsibility: the husband may delegate authority, but not responsibility. You may say to your wife, "My wife takes care of the finances primarily in our house." I hardly ever write a check. I don't touch the books. She handles that. She takes the money, puts it in the bank, writes the checks, does all of these things, pays the bills, all of that.

I have delegated that authority to her, and she has the authority to do that. But while she has the authority, she does not bear the responsibility. Now, I want you to listen. You see, there's no way that I can escape the responsibility. So therefore, if it all works out good, she is to be praised. But if it doesn't work out good, I am to be blamed.

You understand that? You see, I can delegate the authority, but I cannot escape my responsibility. That doesn't mean that a wife who is a member of a family, therefore, is inferior to her husband. In many ways, she may be superior. Joyce says she doesn't want to be equal with me; she's not coming down for anything.

There is the failure of men to assume responsibility. Now, no husband, therefore, demands his headship. Did you know that the Lord Jesus Christ does not demand His headship? Did you know that the Lord Jesus Christ does not force His lordship on you? He doesn't do it.

If He forced His lordship on us, we'd all be a little better than we are in some ways, but we would be regimented and mechanical. We're to love our wives as Christ loved the church. And we don't demand headship. You see, respect and trust are earned. And the Lord Jesus Christ has definitely earned my respect and He's earned my trust.

And so, if you are a husband and you are having difficulty assuming headship in your home, don't head for trust, don't shoot for trust. Shoot for respect. Let your wife learn to respect you as a man of God, as a loving person as we're going to show, and I'm going to tell you that trust will come automatically.

We as husbands have to assume responsibility. It is a responsibility assumed. It's a safety net for the woman to respect the headship of the husband. He may delegate authority but not responsibility. Sir, there is no way that you can sidestep your responsibility. So, number one, assume your responsibility, sir. You are the head. That does not mean a chain of command nearly so much as it means an assumption of responsibility.

Number two, this difference between the sexes means that you as the husband are to let your wife know that she is number one in your life. The Bible says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it."

Your wife must know that she comes before the children. She comes before your own mother, your own father. "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife." Joyce knows that she is number one of all human beings, of five billion people on the face of this earth in my life. She is number one.

I know beyond the shadow of any doubt I am number one in Joyce's life. That gives me a sense of security to think that of all of the people who ever lived today and have ever lived, there's one person who loves me more than any other person on the face of the earth. What a feeling that is to my heart, that she loves me that way.

And she is to know that I love her, that she is number one. I need to treat her, therefore, as Christ treated the church. That Jesus gave Himself for the church. Now the third thing. Not only do you need to let your wife know that she is number one, but thirdly, you need to protect your wife from emotional trauma.

Look, if you will, here in this same chapter. The Bible says that He gave himself for it (verse 26) "that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish."

Now, this means that you are to protect her from emotional trauma and damage. That's your job and your responsibility, sir. You see the word spot? That the Lord might present the church to Himself without spot? Well, that word spot means trash, refuse, dirt.

It's your job to keep things from being dumped on your wife, trash being dumped on her. You have to be careful that you're not the guy that dumps on her, that you come in in the evening and just unload on your wife things that maybe she cannot bear. Now you have to be very careful here because she does want you to share your hurts with her.

She does want to know where you're hurting so she can come in and weep with you and caress you and care for you. But you have to be careful of the things that you unload on her and especially, sir, one of the things I've learned, the most important time that I spend in the day is the first five minutes after I walk in the house at the end of the day.

I mean, if I go right through the house and go right to my study, or go right through the house and go right to the news or whatever, I have failed Joyce. I need to go right to Joyce, I need to put her in my arms, I need to hold her, I need to tell her that I love her. I need to call her on the phone before I get there and tell her I'm coming and that I can hardly wait to see her.

That's so very important. That five minutes that says to her, "You are number one. I've not come in here to dump trash, but I've come here really to take a load off of you and that I might present you to myself without spot." And then the next word is wrinkle. Do you see that?

And the word wrinkle is an interesting word. It speaks sort of an internal wound, a trauma that shows itself literally sometimes on the face. Now, I'm not talking about the normal wrinkles that all of us get and the laugh lines and the crinkly places around the eyes because we've laughed a lot through life.

But I'm talking about sometimes the trauma that comes to a woman who has lived with a midget man who's not really loved his wife as he ought. I can sometimes spot these women. You see them with their taut faces. The countenance is tense and drawn because of these internal traumas. They've not been loved as they ought to be loved.

And you can see sometimes that pain just written on their face. A husband is to protect his wife. My assignment from God, sir, and your assignment from God is to make your wife a more radiantly beautiful Christian.

Guest (Male): And with that, we conclude today's portion of this powerful message. We'll hear part two tomorrow. If you have questions regarding your faith in Jesus, we'd love to offer an insightful resource on our website. It's our find answers page. There you'll find resources and materials that will answer questions you may have about placing your full faith and trust in Jesus and what He did for you.

We also want to invite you to check out our grow your faith page where you'll get grounded and dig deeper in the scriptures. Go to lwf.org/radio and click the tab that says grow your faith or find answers. We can't wait to hear from you today.

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