In Touch Ministries

Dr. Charles Stanley: You can't be joyous about God and bitter toward other people. You can't lift up holy hands to a holy God and praise Him and worship Him and adore Him and go right back home and just absolutely let somebody have it. It doesn't work.

If the praise is to be genuine, that praise must be born out of a heart of love toward God. How can I love God whom I have not seen if I have ill will toward my brother whom I do see?

Guest (Male): When others hurt us, it's sometimes hard to even think about forgiving them. But today on In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley, we'll see that withholding forgiveness is devastating. It destroys intimacy and eventually poisons our relationships. Stay with us now and learn how to maintain a spirit of forgiveness. Let's listen in to Dr. Stanley's message.

Dr. Charles Stanley: Well, when I think about God, I think about this truth, that is that forgiveness is the gift of God to every single person. So, what I want to talk about in this message is the gift of forgiveness. And I want you to turn if you will to Ephesians chapter 4. And Paul in this Ephesians chapter is talking about some things that do not fit who we are as believers. In fact, in the first three chapters, he's talking about who we are in Christ and what our position is in Him. And then in the last three chapters, he's talking about how we ought to behave, that is, how we ought to practice who we are in Christ Jesus.

So, I want you to begin if you will in the 29th verse, one of the things he says here, he says, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear." And then he makes a statement that most of us know this one by heart. He says, "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." Then here's what he says.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Now, when a person has an unforgiving spirit and refuses to be kind and tenderhearted and forgiving, even as God has forgiven us in Christ Jesus. When a person refuses to do that, what happens to them?

Well, there are some very definite consequences. One of them is emotional bondage. And this is where people are who are living in anger and bitterness and hostility and resentment. And everybody's going to have things done to them or said about them in life because that's the kind of world we live in. It's never going to be a place where where everybody just loves you. Listen, any person who acts in such a fashion to be sure that everybody will love them, well first of all, some people are not going to love you just because you're being too kind. I mean, it's amazing what people get upset about. They don't believe you. They think you're a fake and they think you're just being hypocritical, and noboddy could act like that.

No one is going to have everybody liking them. That's just the way life is. And the sooner you'd realize, you the only person I have to please is God. He's the only person I really want to please. If everybody else comes along, fine. And so you can't live your life trying to please people, but you can live your life forgiving those who misunderstand or forgiving those who may wrong us.

Emotional bondage, think about this. If a person has a spirit of of unforgiveness and bitterness and resentment or anger and hostility they're not willing to deal with, listen to me, it's going to color everything in their life.

Jealousy is going to color every attitude, it's going to color everything in their life. It affects the way they think about everything because you see, you can't separate your emotions from every other part of you, your spirit, your body, they all fit, and they all work together. Body, soul, mind, spirit, all goes together.

You cannot be bitter toward people and receive love. I'll tell you what it's like static. It's like putting a square peg in a round hole, it just won't fit. You can't fit bitterness into a life and say, "Well, you know, I just feel loved by you and loved by him and loved by her and loved by them," but I'm telling you right now, I feel over here. It just doesn't work that way. They're in bondage, frozen. And wondering what's wrong with life. And you know what people do like that, they blame everything and everybody. Everything coming and going, it's his fault, her fault, their fault. They had done this, if they'd give me this on this job, if my pay had been raised, all these things, if I'd been put in this position. Blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. And what happens? It just seethes and seethes and sifts and boils in anger and bitterness and resentment and something horrible is going on on the inside.

First result is emotional bondage. Second result is broken relationships. Listen, you cannot have good relationships with everybody and single out one and hate or despise that person, you absolutely cannot. You see, loving people and liking the way they act is something different. I can love a person without even without liking the way they act. And you and I are not going to get along with everybody the same. Personalities are different, there are certain types of personalities that fit better than others. And so that's just part of life and part of us growing up and being natural in this world in which you and I live, and we are all different, we all came from different situations and circumstances, so we don't all agree about everything.

But to have an unforgiving spirit is something totally different. And an unforgiving spirit hampers relationships because if you and I tried to be friends, and I have an unforgiving spirit toward someone else, more than likely I'm going to suspect you. Or I'll be on guard lest I get hurt again. And that's why you and I have to be forgiving toward other others no matter what they do, or we can't have healthy relationships with other people.

Because we'll be on guard that we don't get hurt. And this is where a lot of people are. They're living just like this, they've got their guard up. They've been hurt, they've been hurt greatly, they've been hurt deeply, their pain is intense, and somehow they can't deal with it or won't deal with it, and so they walk around with their guard up. I want to be your friend, but don't just don't cross this wall, brother, the day you cross this wall, you're in trouble. And so they walk around walled in. They you know what they've done? They put the blocks of resentment and hostility and anger in their own wall.

Now, they may feel like, "Well, why don't people love me? Why don't people like me? Why don't they want to be around me?" Well, because you got them walled out. And so because we allow the years to go by, building up resentment and hostility and anger, then we wonder why folks, listen, people climb the wall and we what do we do? We hit them on the fingers when they're wall when their fingers get to the top of the wall. "Don't get inside my wall because I I'm not comfortable with you in there." And we shut them out. And you've met people, for example, that you walk up and say, "How you doing?" "Fine." No matter what you say to them, once you get a response like that, you know that's a one-way relationship. You know why? They're frozen about something. Their emotional life is all frozen and hung up about something.

And especially when a father or mother, when their kids come, listen, when your kids come up and you hug your kids, I mean you throw everything you got into it. Your kids walk up and hug you, and it's like hugging this desk. You know what you know what it says? You don't have to say anything. It says to them listen, their emotions and just just that instant, they say, "He doesn't love me, she doesn't love me." Cause you love somebody you are kind and tender-hearted and you're appliable. And you know what the more you love somebody, more of a pushover you are. That's why that's why your grandchildren can come up to you and they'll say, "You know I'm hugging, don't you?" My grandchild can come with me and say, "Gramps, I want so and so." Don't even ask any more questions, when do we go get it? You know why? When do we go get it? Because because that love has absolutely no barriers. Not one barrier whatsoever.

Well the truth is, and I'm asking, "Lord, enable me to love everybody like I love my grandchildren." Absolutely, don't ask any questions, what can I do for you? You see, Jesus, nobody ever approached Jesus and he said, you know why I know he was such an absolutely fantastic lover? Because the kids are always running up to him. Now, if children are always running up to you, you know what they feel? They feel something good. Now, you can fake each other up, but you can't fake a child out. I guarantee you can't fake a child out. Listen, you can have two grandmothers, and those kids are going to be drawn to one and just nice to the other. You know why? Because a child, three years old or seven years old or two years old, listen, they read hearts. Much better than we do. I mean, we get all impressed by what they do for us and how they look and what they give us and all these things. A heart with a child, a little grandchild, three years old, five years old, their heart tells them, "Granny's heart or Gramps's heart, we are all the same."

But you let one be hard, and that child will never know exactly what's going on, but they just know something about them that just doesn't appeal to them. You know what it says? You can't hide love. Neither can you hide a bitter, angry, unforgiving spirit. And so therefore we we hinder wonderful relationships when we don't deal with these things that are so absolutely evident.

Well, a third thing that happens here is this, it erodes our fellowship with God. Listen to this. You can't be joyous about God and bitter toward other people. And that's why praise, listen, when I think about people praising the Lord. And I believe in lifting your hands. Paul said, lift up our holy hands before the Lord and praise Him. I I believe in that.

You can't lift up holy hands to a holy God and praise Him and worship Him and adore Him and go right back home and just absolutely let somebody have it. It doesn't work. All that's fakey stuff. That's why if the praise is to be genuine, that praise must be born out of a heart of love toward God. And He says, "How can I love God whom I have not seen if I have ill will toward my brother whom I do see?" So what happens? It erodes our fellowship with Him.

Let me mention one other thing. Not only is it going to erode my relationship to God, but there's one other thing that does happen. And that is it will affect you physically. These bodies of ours were not made to harbor bitterness, resentment, hostility, and anger very long. Usually, I know folks are old with that. Well, that's true. But look what's happening to them on the inside.

Look what happens to them physically. Some people it affects them more emotionally than it does physically, but physically, it's going to affect you. God didn't make us to live this kind of life. Especially the believer who has to wrestle what they know is right and what they know is wrong. The unbeliever somehow probably can get by with it a little better than than the believer. I wouldn't make that as a a fact. I'm just saying that it appears sometimes that's the way it is. But you and I know better. And physically it affects us. So what we have to ask is how do we deal with it? So, let's look at several different cases quickly.

Let's look at the person who comes to you and says, "Here's what I did. You know this is what I did, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry, and I'm asking you to forgive me." The only proper response is you are forgiven. Period. And that's a choice we make. Forgiveness is not a feeling we have, but forgiveness is a choice we make. You're forgiven. That means next time I see you, I'm not going to say, "Yeah, I got you. Yeah." No, it says, next time I see you, hi.

You know why? Because he's free. And look at this, not only is he free, but you're free. And listen, as long as you have an unforgiving spirit toward someone else, not only they're not free, you're not free. So, with the person who comes to you, the way to deal with that is to forgive them, make a choice. What about the people who will never come to you? They'll never say, "I wrong." They know they wronged you, but they'll never admit it. They'll never say they'll justify it all of their life.

They'll never come to you, they'll never admit it, it'll always be justifying it. And they may continue to do it to you. How do you deal with the person who is not ever going to say, "I wronged you?" Or maybe what about the person who wronged you and they don't even realize they did it? But I mean, they hurt you deeply, or it cost you financially in a in a great way, they don't even realize they did it. And then what about the person who's wronged you and they died?

So let's put those three categories together. Those who know it, but they'll never admit it, never confess it, never ask you to forgive them. Those who don't even know they did it, and those who did it, knew they did it, but died and you didn't deal with it. Somebody says, "Well if they're dead, that finishes that." No, it doesn't. It doesn't.

And friend, I I've never had this happen to me, but I do know a few folks who have. I'm here to tell you, when there is animosity and bitterness and resentment in somebody's heart toward someone and that person dies, listen, that person goes through a terrible turmoil. You know why? Because when that body is in the casket, it is over. As far as talking to them. They can't ever respond. And when you put that body in the grave, there is no response. It's over. But it's not over with the person who held the animosity. That's why it's very important to deal with things.

So, what about these three persons? The persons who know but not about to ask you to forgive them. The people who don't even know what they've done, and the people who've died. Here's what you do, and this will work. You find your place that's quiet, where it's just you by yourself in a room, and you put two chairs facing each other, and you sit down in one of them. And you visualize the other person sitting in the other one. And you tell them, "You really hurt me. You hurt me deeply. Here's what you did, and here's how you did it. And here's what I felt, and here's the anger I felt. Here's the embarrassment I felt. And here's all the struggles I went through."

And you say everything you need to say to them, how they hurt you. You may feel like crying, or you may feel like banging on the chair. Whatever is necessary, you get it out and tell them what they did. And then you say to them, "But because my heavenly Father has forgiven me of all my sin and set me free, I want you to know that you're free. I forgive you for what you've done to me, and from this moment on, I don't hold it against you any longer. You're free."

You say, "Suppose I don't feel that." That has nothing to do with feelings. It has to do with a decision. I choose to forgive that person. You say, "You're talking to an empty chair." Talking to a chair that has no physical person, but one whom you visualize seated in that chair. You tell them exactly how you feel, and you you make a choice, "I forgive you." And then you may say this, "Heavenly Father, out of gratitude and thanksgiving for Your forgiveness and Your love and Your kindness and Your tender-heartedness toward me, I thank You for healing me of these bad memories that I have had in the past. And I thank You now for the healing process that's taken place in my life at this very moment. And I want to thank You that I could set this person free just like You set me free. They're forgiven now, just as I'm forgiven. And I thank You, Father, for my new perspective on this person and on my life."

Now, friend, there's not a single person alive who cannot do that if you're willing. And what will happen? First of all, you'll be set free. Secondly, your viewpoint and your perspective on that person will change. And number three, you're going to take a leap forward in your spiritual life. And number four, what you do is you open the door for God to use you in ways that He would never use you. He'd already set a limit on your usefulness until you dealt with your brother or your sister.

And so my friend, I want to ask you in Jesus's name, if you've never trusted Jesus as your Savior, you say, "Well, how could He ever forgive me?" Because He loves you, and because His Son paid your price. And if you'll ask Him to forgive you of your sins, He'll forgive you right where you are. He erases the sin debt. He sets you free.

And then some of you may have to deal with somebody out there that you have real bitterness toward, animosity, or maybe it's something not quite so difficult as that. When do you do it? As quickly as possible. How do you do it? Now, listen carefully. Sometimes you may have to go to someone and say, "I want to tell you that my attitude toward you has not been right. I felt that you treated me a certain way." That was my feeling. "But regardless, I want to ask you to forgive me for how I've responded to what I have felt." You've not blamed them. Now, listen carefully, it's very important you be very wise before you go to someone and ask them to forgive you for your attitude toward them when they've not asked you to forgive them because their response may be absolutely atrocious because they don't even have any idea what you're talking about. You have to be very careful about how you ask someone to forgive you when they don't have any idea what's going on, especially depending upon what that is.

But God may lead you to go to someone and say, "I felt, not you did this to me, I felt. I understood." I was probably I could have been wrong, but I wanted to deal with my attitude. I remember for myself, when I went to I went had to go see my stepfather and say to him, and I could have listed a lot of things that he did to me that were wrong, I felt. And yet, I remember I had to go to say, "Here's what I felt, here's how I hurt. But I want to ask you to forgive me for my wrong attitude, my wrong responses," because I didn't respond right as a kid. I didn't respond right as a teenager, and I didn't respond right as a young man. I'm asking you to forgive me. Well, that was the wise thing for me to do with him.

You have to decide and ask God to show you what is wise with you about asking someone to forgive you for what you felt in your heart toward them for what they may have done to you that could have been very painful. But one thing for certain, when your spirit is free of unforgiveness, you become a free human being, available for God to love through you and to use you in ways you will never experience until you're set free of an unforgiving spirit.

And Father, we love You and thank You that You don't make those requirements to work 40 years. But You just point us to the cross and pour out Your love on us. And I pray in Jesus's name You'll show us how to treat other people the same way. That Your love may flow through us, unhindered. And the damn that rises before us will all be broken down, and we could express love and forgiveness no matter what. We love You and we praise You and we bless You today in Jesus's name. Amen.

Guest (Male): Thanks for joining us for In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley. Scripture is clear. God forgives us and then grants us the ability to offer forgiveness to others. Maybe it's time to let go of that anger and resentment and embrace the peace that comes through forgiveness. You can continue to study about forgiveness at our website, intouch.org, or go on back over what you just heard by clicking the link to today on radio.

And connect to our online bookstore, there you can order a copy of Dr. Stanley's complete message, The Gift of Forgiveness. Again, you'll find these resources at intouch.org, or call or text us, the number is simply 1-800-INTOUCH. Or write to us, address your letter to In Touch, post office box 7900, Atlanta, Georgia, 30357. That's 1-800-INTOUCH for the toll-free number.

Much of life consists of actions, followed by their consequences. But some things God said will happen no matter what. Today's moment with Charles Stanley is on the way.

Guest (Female): In our spiritual journey, we often have questions. How do I know God's will for my life? Does God hear my prayers? Why do bad things happen? The answers are found in the word of God. But how do we know where to start? The free In Touch devotional can help point you in the right direction with biblically based content from Dr. Charles Stanley. You'll gain insight and wisdom through daily devotions, Bible studies and more. The In Touch devotional, delivered monthly to your mailbox. Subscribe for free at intouch.org/daily.

Guest (Female): Tired of faith feeling like a performance? Worn down by constant striving? Jesus never meant it to feel that way. His call was always to something more, to a life that's generous, vibrant, joyful, and sustainable, a real life with Him. That's the heart of follow me, our book created to help you answer that call. Get your copy at intouch.org/store.

Guest (Male): You're listening to In Touch. Some of God's promises are based on our response to them. Others are unconditional. Here's a moment with Charles Stanley.

Dr. Charles Stanley: He's absolutely sovereign over all things. God chose Abraham to be the father, the heart, the soul, the core, and the beginning of a whole nation of people through whom the Messiah would come. And no matter what happened, God had His way all the way to the coming of Jesus and His crucifixion. And being the sovereign of the universe, He has the right to decide. And for example, I was thinking about that the other day and thinking about, "God, what have you ever said, here's what I'm going to do," and you never asked me or told me what the conditions were. And I think I could think of a couple of times when God says, "Here's what I'm going to do." He didn't say, "If you obey me, if you don't obey me, here's what I'm going to do." And in those cases, every single time, He has. So, He doesn't have to make it conditional. That is, if God has something He wants to do in your life that's extremely important to Him, when He says, "Here's what I'm going to do," that's what He's going to do.

Guest (Male): Learn more about the God who controls all things at intouch.org. Do you have a story about how God's grace has touched you through this broadcast? We'd love to hear it. On In Touch next time, at times it can feel like it wouldn't be a bad idea to just do what you want to do. But disobedience to God is never a good idea. I hope you'll join us again to hear solid and encouraging reasons for obeying God. On In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley.

This program is a presentation of In Touch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia, and remains on this station through the grace of God and your faithful prayers and gifts.