Grace Thoughts

Guest (Male): Hello friends, welcome to Grace Thoughts, the radio ministry of Grace Connection Church with Pastor Tim Kelley. Grace Thoughts is dedicated to preaching a clear gospel of grace for over 20 years. Here is Pastor Kelley.

Tim Kelley: First Peter chapter one. Our approach to ministry here—and many of you know this and something we try to hit home a lot—is we want to know God through the grace of God. In other words, I'm not into behavioral modification but into spiritual transformation. There's a difference.

Behavioral modification is acting or performing a certain way. You can teach dogs that. I have a little white Maltese dog. I hold a little treat up, and the thing will spin around and do all sorts of things. It’s a trick. I taught it how to behave a certain way. Sometimes that's what religion does. It teaches you how to behave a certain way.

It teaches us: this is how we talk because we're Christians, we're religious. This is how we act, this is how we speak, this is how we do what we do because this is what Christians do. Some of that's fine, and some of that's the product of spiritual transformation, but not necessarily.

The Pharisees did a really good job of acting like good Jews, but they weren't. They acted like they were very godly, but they weren't. They had the language down, the fasting down, the word down. They knew everything, but they crucified the Messiah. There's a difference.

Our Sunday morning classes that we offer around here are all about spiritual transformation. Our Kids Connection, we gear it towards spiritual transformation. Our women's ministry, we gear it towards spiritual transformation. All our teaching venues that we do from our Sunday morning to the Wednesday night pulpit is all around spiritual transformation. This happens when you have an ever-deepening personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

It's real important here when we talk about marriage or any of these practical messages. There is nothing more profoundly positive and impactful for your marriage than a husband that seeks God with all his heart and a wife that seeks God with all her heart. That marriage will find a place of prosperity.

When I'm walking in the spirit and my wife is walking in the spirit, we don't have any problems. It's a great place to be. Marriage is God's highest relationship. Marriage and family is the fabric of the church, universal and local. It should be the greatest testimony to the world.

Depending on what statistics you want to read, inside the Christian church, there's a 40 to 50 percent divorce rate. I'm not saying that to condemn or point fingers because sometimes it's unavoidable. Sometimes if one person wants out, they're going to get out.

Trust me with this, Satan hates marriage. If he can take out the marriages, he can take out the church or he can minimize the impact of the church. He wants to destroy marriages. When a marriage has no higher authority guiding it, when it's just two human beings trying to extract meaning and purpose and significance from each other, that is easy pickings for the devil.

That's why our focus is not necessarily on having a prospering marriage or just one that survives. We want you to find God here in your personal life, and that, we believe, will make your marriage impenetrable. If there's an issue—and there are because you got a couple of human beings stuck in the same home—deal with it. Don't ignore it. Face it. We'll see that in a moment.

Principle number four. We did the first three last week, and this will conclude the series. You can get that on YouTube now or on our Facebook and website. Principle number four: make your mate your ministry. I stole this principle from Larry Crabb, the great Christian psychiatrist. He wrote a wonderful book called *The Marriage Builder*. We've used it through the years for reference in our marriage classes that we did.

He's a Finish Work Exchange Life Christian psychiatrist. I like virtually everything he writes. It's very good. He says, "Make your mate your ministry." This principle is simple. When I as a husband want to minister to my wife, that's my goal. As a wife, my goal is to minister to my husband.

Here's a couple, and the husband's thinking, "How do I minister to my wife today?" and the wife's thinking, "How do I minister to my husband today?" Minister *to*, not minister *from*. That marriage is a happy place because our goal is to bless each other.

I have these verses from First Peter chapter three. "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands." Let's just close with that. Husbands, don't try this at home. "Then even if some refuse to obey the good news, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives."

It's talking about a Christian wife living with a non-Christian husband. "Don't be concerned with outward beauty or fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband Abraham and called him her master. Again, husbands, don't try that at home. "You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do."

Here's the verse I want to focus on. I believe this verse is talking about husbands treating their wives a certain way, but I'm going to take the gender right out of this verse because this goes both ways. "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wife."

That word honor means you esteem them. You place great value on them. "Treat your wife with understanding as you live together." Interesting verse to try to interpret. I treat my wife with understanding. I treat my husband with understanding. Let's put that in there too.

She may be weaker than you, talking about physical weakness. "But she is your equal partner in God's gift of the new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered." Pretty strong stuff. The principle here is we understand that my wife/husband is just that: my wife or husband. Not somebody else's.

I don't have to understand anyone else's wife. I don't have to figure out somebody else's spouse. That's a puzzle all by itself. Everyone is unique to themselves. You married a unique person. You married an individual, and they're different. Your individual might be different than the individual I'm married to.

This sounds easy, but this is a significant thing. I counseled a couple years ago when the woman was reading these romance novels. Those novels have the guy with the long flowing hair with abs on there, and it's just painted. Real guys don't have abs. There's the six-pack, and then there's the kegs.

There's the picture, and she's reading these novels. These guys were just suave. They were good. They were just perfect. Then she's looking at her husband. "What's wrong?" She's reading the romance novel and all of a sudden she's comparing her husband with this fabricated, make-believe author's concept of a man that doesn't exist. He fell up short every time.

It caused a great tension in their relationship because this man was never going to be the guy with the long flowing hair with abs who was absolutely perfect and charming all the time. He was never going to be that way, ever. Not even a little.

She didn't dwell with her husband according to knowledge. My wife, when I got married, she's always been real small, a very petite lady. She weighed about 105 when I married her, and she's back to about 105. She really has to learn how to eat. She doesn't know how to eat.

She'll eat wraps with lettuce. "Oh, what do you have on the wrap?" "Feta cheese." That's hearty. "Feta cheese, boy, that's going to fill you up, honey." "I put some dressing on it too." That's how she eats. Then she has a salad over here.

When I was newly married to her, all of a sudden, in the course of a month, she's eating her wraps and she's eating her salads. Then all of a sudden she comes home. "Let's get a pizza with this and that on it." "Hey, let's get some chocolate."

"Sure, have a pizza." I'll eat that. For three or four days, she's like, "Chocolate, pizza," and she's eating everything. She's like, "This is great." Three or four days later, "Honey, you want to go get another pizza?" "Oh, don't, I'll throw up if I eat a pizza. I don't like pizza at all."

"What happened? Two days ago you were banging down a pizza place and trying to break in and steal something. How come now?" "I'll feel sick if I eat a pizza." I realized, "What's going on here?"

Twenty-six days of the month, she loves salad and wraps and everything, but these four days in the month, she's into chocolate, she's into pizza, she's into all this stuff that she never touches the rest of the year. I clicked on it because I'm pretty smart. Took me five years, but I'm pretty smart to figure this out.

I marked on my calendar, "This is that time when she likes pizza and she likes chocolate." I remembered that because, again, I am really smart. The next time of that next month, the day before, I went right to the 7-Eleven and I bought myself a stack full of Reese's Cups.

I came home. "Honey, I was thinking of you today," and I popped them right on the table. "How you know I wanted them? I was just thinking how I wanted chocolate. Oh, honey, you're always on my heart." I was a rockstar.

"I thought maybe we'd go out and get a pizza tonight." "I was thinking that! Let's go out and get a pizza tonight." "Okay, we'll go out and get a pizza tonight." I've been a hero ever since. That's how my wife was wired. She was my wife. I learned my wife. This is what ministers to my wife. These four days a month, she turns into a different person. She wants chocolate, and she wants pizza. Five days later, she'll want a wrap. I learned that.

We dwell with them. Basic principle: I dwell with my wife according to understanding. I dwell with my husband according to understanding. This is how he's wired, this is how she's wired. I learn that wiring. We look to serve, not to be served. How can I bless my husband? How can I bless my wife? Not to get something I want from them, not to manipulate them into treating me better, but how can I bless them because that's what God wants me to do, period. Whether I get anything back from it or not, how can I nurture and bless my husband or my wife today? That's all I got to worry about.