Grace Thoughts

Guest (Male): Hello friends, welcome to Grace Thoughts, the radio ministry of Grace Connection Church with Pastor Tim Kelley. Grace Thoughts has been dedicated to preaching a clear gospel of grace for over 20 years. Here is Pastor Kelley.

Tim Kelley: Matthew 19. About ten years ago, I had a missionary from Africa in the church speaking, and we had an after-session meeting where we had questions and answers. I asked him what the biggest challenge is that he is facing on the mission field. I was anticipating one of three things: the language barrier, a lack of team members, or money. There is always a financial crunch on the mission field.

What he said was pretty startling to me. He did not even think. He just said, "Marriage. That is the biggest challenge on the mission field." He went on to say more marriages crumble—and Dr. Lewis could probably give you a zillion stories like this—the pressure of the mission field has taken out so many couples. So many couples have come off the field because of marriage. That has been the biggest challenge, according to this one missionary.

I venture to say it is probably the biggest challenge facing the body of Christ and local church ministry. If the family goes, the church loses its power. If marriages break up, then all of a sudden, God's servants are disabled. At least for a season, they are taken out of the race. So the church is dependent—I am not talking universal—of healthy, strong, prospering marriages.

Let me give you a few statistics here. Eighty percent of those who live together prior to marriage will have a potential divorce. Sixty percent married by a justice of the peace will get a divorce. Forty percent married in a church, or through a church, will end in divorce. Here is one for you: one out of 1,051 who pray together and are in the Word together get a divorce.

Think of that. One out of 1,051 who read the Bible together and pray together as a couple end in divorce. There is something about being in the Word together and praying together that is somewhat of an aphrodisiac. It just works. It builds a unity and a bond between couples.

I am going to talk about seven principles of a prospering marriage. As many of you know, I do a lot of marriage counseling and have through the years and have been trained in that. This is a little bit for me to get things off my chest, things I cannot say while someone is sitting in the office. I really want to say it, but I cannot say it because they are going to get mad. Last time I said it, they left and I never saw them again. So I do not say it. I am contained. But I would like to say it.

If you think I am talking about you, I probably am. But I forgot your name. Honestly, I am not aiming at anyone. People ask me how I know this. It is because the same things happen over and over and over. They are reruns. It is like every episode of Full House. I have seen them all because my kids watch them over and over. You see the same things that happen over and over in marriage. We are going to take a philosophical approach and a practical approach.

As you listen to these messages, it is very important that you have the crooked finger principle down pat. Here is a straight finger. This is what usually happens in marital situations and marriage counseling. "I am miserable in my marriage because..." and then you point right at your spouse. "That is my problem. He is right there snoring next to me, and that is my problem."

But we need a crooked finger. This message will not help as long as you are fitting somebody else into this mess. You have to point it at yourself. This message is for me, not my spouse. They are not here to get fixed; I am here to hear from God and get fixed. As long as you keep pointing at them, you are never going to get better.

In counseling situations, I will ask people what they own. Some people know exactly what they do. But many times, people will look at you like they have done nothing wrong. They think their spouse just does not know how lucky they are to have them. They really have never owned what they are bringing or not bringing to the table because they do not have a crooked finger.

I also want to say a couple of things. In some cases, we are really busy, maybe in church ministry. Fix the marriage. If the marriage is not working, fix it. Do not worry about ministry; fix the marriage. Spend the time, the reflection, getting counseling, going to seminars, or whatever it takes. Get the marriage working. Seek the Lord for how you can make your marriage a resting place and a testimony to the kingdom of God.

Second, I do not want to cheapen or minimize the pain that people go through in marital situations. Marriages end. We have had ended marriages right now in our church and have had many through the years. I do not want to minimize the reasons for these things to happen. Sometimes pain goes deep. Sometimes there are years and decades behind stuff that happens.

Sometimes things happen in people's childhoods that carry over and flood over into their marriage, and they are never able to resolve them or have a hard time reconciling them. So please do not think I am being flippant in any way. I am not because I have been with way too many families when the pain was very deep and very real, and the situations were very complex. There are no easy answers sometimes.

Let's look at these verses in Matthew 19. I actually read these verses at the end of Simon and Laura's wedding ceremony. "Haven’t you read the Scriptures?" Jesus replied. "They record that from the beginning God made them male and female." And he said, "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife,"—that is a very strong word, joined—"and the two are united as one."

God sees them as one. I put my hand on Simon and Laura's hands and said, "What God has put together, let no man put asunder. Since they are no longer two but one, let no man split apart what God has joined together." So God sees two individual lives as one unit.

We had a unity sand ceremony in the wedding. There were two things of sand, one represented Simon and one represented Laura. They took that sand and they poured it in the middle of a bottle through a funnel. Now all the sand is joined together. If Simon said he was sick of this and wanted his sand back, could he get his sand back? No. In fact, when you look into that bottle, can you see Simon's sand or Laura's sand? No, it was just the same color sand. You could not see them. You could not extract them. You could not separate them. Those two vases of sand became one.

That is how God sees us in marriage, as one unit. That is so vitally important. That is why the Scriptures say that the man does not own his own body, but the wife does, and the woman does not own her own body, but the man does. God sees them as one flesh, one entity.

I have seven principles of a successful marriage. I am going to give you a free principle here that is not part of the seven. If I was to take every verse out of the Bible that teaches about marriage—especially in the New Testament: Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3—those are the main passages you would go to. If you took them all out of the Bible and you were wondering how to have a successful, prosperous, blessed marriage, let me show you some verses that have nothing to do with marriage.

Tell me if these verses would not revolutionize any relationship, including marriage. Philippians 2: "Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than themselves. Don’t look out for your own interests, but take on the interests in others, too." If I put that in my marriage, what would happen? It would change it.

Ephesians 4: "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." What would happen if I put that in my marriage? It is telling me how to treat other people in the body of Christ, but what if I did that to my spouse?

Colossians 3: "Put on, like a new garment, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another. If one has a complaint against another, forgive each other as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must forgive. And above all this, put on love, which binds everything into perfect harmony." Would that work in the marriage?

These are just general verses on relationships. 1 Peter 3: "Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing."

If I took all the marriage verses out and put all these verses in as my marriage model, and I live by those principles in my marriage, do you think my marriage would be a great place? Imagine if a wife grabbed those verses and a husband grabbed those verses, and the husband before him and God said he was owning those verses for his marriage. It would be wonderful. It would be awesome. It would prosper and be a resting place.

Principle number one: my spouse is not God. This is probably the most important principle I have. Not that they are not meant to complement our life, but only God can fulfill our life. Every human being has a deep need for love, security, significance, approbation, and belonging. We all have the same needs.

God made us, and God was meant to fulfill those needs. But then sin came into the human race, and there was a lid put on our relationship with God. So what happens now is Adam and Eve start looking at each other to meet those needs. Neither one of them did a very good job at it.