Forever Love

Calvin Copeland: Well, welcome again to how love can last forever after all. I’m your host, Calvin Copeland. I am so glad you could be with us again. We are now in the fourth episode of this series where we're talking about how do we reveal our understanding of how we see relationship. Today, we want to talk about specifically how we validate the process.

You have got to understand that relationship transformation is not an instant thing. Studies of emotional regulations and process-orientated growth confirm that sustainable change requires time, self-compassion, and emotional endurance. This stage normalizes the discomfort that occupies the real development. You have got to understand that it is going to take time.

One of my favorite books is "Changes That Heal," and in this book, it talks about how the three components needed for healing are truth, grace, and time. Truth, grace, and time. And so it is important for you to understand that oftentimes when you learn the truth about your circumstances, and you learn the truth about your situation, and you learn the truth about the dysfunctions that exist in your life, oftentimes you are going to find the part that you played in it.

You might have thought those were the proper responses, but the truth reveals to you that it really was not going to get you to the desired destination. The familiarity of how things have been done in your life does not line up with the truth of you trying to get to a healthy relationship that embraces your growth, your peace, and your stability.

It is the challenge of getting away from, "Well, this is just the way we have always done it." But when you think about that statement, what you are really exposing is the fact that you want to stay in what is familiar. But this validating your process stage is so important in normalizing the discomfort that accompanies the real development. There is going to be some level of discomfort.

When you are in school and you are deferring your gratification because you want to get whichever degree it is—a BA, a Master's, a PhD—there are going to be times of discomfort. One of the things I remember specifically about LeBron James was how he talked about being fresh out of high school. For those of you who have not really thought about it, professional basketball players may practice for three or four hours a day, and then the rest of their time is their own.

He had plenty of time as a professional basketball player in his first three or four years to do everything the team asked him to do and still go to college parties that his friends were going to and still hang out with people. But because he was locked in on trying to be the best player he could be, he did not opt in for those temporary pleasures. He chose to commit himself to his craft.

In retrospect, 20 years into the game, I think he has realized that he could have balanced that a little bit more. But the major point that I want you to hear is that he made decisions to be the excellent player that he is today. By all accounts, he has made some pretty strong decisions around having healthy family relationships. His high school friends are still his high school friends, and I think many of them are in business with him.

His high school sweetheart is now his wife. I do not think that happens by accident. I also know that his story says that what he experienced and what he had to observe his mom experience caused him to make some decisions about how he was going to go through life. Validating this process when you want to change, when you realize that what you have been dealing with has not been the healthiest for you, is essential.

When you realize that what you are seeing on your app feeds—the Facebooks and the Instagrams and the TikToks—gives great imagery of a wonderful life but may not actually be the truth, you realize they are not giving you a blueprint on how to get there. Learning how to continue to validate this process you are going through is about trying to remove what is familiar and unhealthy for things that are initially unfamiliar but are taking you to a healthy place.

The easy example is you used to eat all fried food and now you are transitioning to baked. I tease all the time that years ago, I had my doctor tell me that I should not eat any fried food. My job always had me on the road, so I found myself oftentimes eating fast food and eating out of vending machines. When I went home, my favorite food was oftentimes fried food.

I remember being at the doctor and I was young, under 30. I was not doing too bad in terms of my health. But in his counsel to me, he asked what my eating habits were, and I told him. He said, "You are going to end up down a path you do not want to get down to, so you need to do this. If you have to get it out of a vending machine, you should not eat that. If you have to go through a drive-through to pick it up, you cannot eat that. And if you have to get it out of a deep dish fryer, you should not be eating that."

I literally said to the man, "Then what am I going to eat?" because at that point of my life, that was all I was eating. Needless to say, there were not a whole lot of vegetables in there. What was familiar, what was comfortable, and what tasted good to me, I had to begin to change. It was uncomfortable and unfamiliar. But I can say 25 years later, I have increased my menu options and I have developed an appetite for things that I never thought I would develop an appetite for.

The doctor I have today does not go to such a great extreme. He says, "If you want a piece of fried whatever every now and then, it is okay. If you are getting something out of a vending machine every now and then, it is okay." But you want to be intentional about validating this process of eliminating those things as much as possible. The same thing holds true in relationships.

In relationships, as you continue to get a better understanding of this concept of the frequency illusion, you will begin to identify things in relationships that you are only gravitated to simply because they are familiar, not because they have any nutritional value to your relational life at all. What will also begin to happen is your desire for those things will diminish over time.

Now, I do not eat fried food a whole lot, but I eat a lot of air-fried food that has no oil in it. Every now and then, I will go back to some deep-fried, and it does not taste good to me anymore. I do not like the greasiness of it. I can get what I really liked about the fried food, which was the crispiness and the seared flavors, without the grease. I am getting hungry just talking about this.

What I have learned is I was able to make some slight adjustments, keep what was good, and get rid of what was hurting me. You are going to find the same thing in relationships. As you continue to identify the unhealthiness of your interactions with people, you are going to get rid of those. Not only will you get rid of them, you will not be able to tolerate them in the future.

That may mean some people will say, "Oh, you have changed." Yes, I have. But that is okay. The wonderful thing is when you can have a partner who is on the same journey to change their palate from a relationship standpoint as well, you both can change together. You both can be there for each other. This is not just in marriage. This can happen in workplaces, in non-profit institutions, and in school.

I see it all the time. People will validate this process for education. I know people who love education and would be in school all the time if they could. They have learned to validate that process. I know people who are workout enthusiasts and very athletic, and they have learned to validate that process to the point that they enjoy it. I also know people who have learned to validate the process of strengthening relationships.

I am one of them, and I love that process. I love being a part of helping people in that process. I have gotten pretty good at identifying people who do not want to engage in that process. I do my best to try to introduce them to things that will give them a hunger for a new appetite for healthy relationships. Sometimes it does not work. That is the same thing that you will find in your personal relationships.

As you begin to see greater truths around relationship growth and development, you will begin to understand why certain relationships become a little bit more distant and why certain relationships begin to get even stronger. The one thing I love about it is that you will not feel like life is happening to you, but you will begin to feel like you have a say in the life that you are developing.

When I have a say in the life I am developing, it is a whole lot easier for me to accept the process and validate the process. When I feel like I have some control over how my life is going, it motivates me to embrace the process when there are moments and seasons of difficulty. There is nothing in your life that does not have moments and seasons of difficulty and struggle, moments where you think, "Is it worth it?"

Anything of real substance is going to have those moments that make you feel challenged. The same thing holds true in relationships. The key is whether the two of you walk in agreement of what the relationship is supposed to produce. Are you on the same team? Are you playing by the same rules? It becomes so critical that you understand how important it is to agree so that you can walk together moving forward.

When you learn how to do that, you will find yourself wasting less and less time, and you will find your time becoming more and more productive. As you continue to walk in truth and you continue to give yourself grace, the time will be something that you will actually embrace as you continue to grow and get better. I love having a physical fitness trainer because he will see my weak points that I cannot even see.

The funny thing about that is not only do I not see where my most critical weak places are, but I also know that they are often in the core. I had a trainer tell me one time it is from the waist to your knees that is the most critical part. It is that core. If you learn how to discipline and train that core, that is half the battle. But I have also learned how to dress in a way that you do not necessarily know when my core is not up to snuff.

That is the way a lot of us do in relationships. We know how to cover stuff up so that we look good, but we have no center core strength. We cannot do any real heavy lifting as it relates to relationships. We cannot deal with some of the tougher questions that relationships often require. It is so important that you are around people who will embrace that fight with you.

It is the reason why I am having these cohorts of three to five couples, three to five males, or three to five females where we can begin to help you validate your process as to how you show up in a healthy way. We help you identify that the relationships you are in are healthy and moving you in a healthy direction. It is so critical to understand that love is not a fantasy or a fairy tale.

Love is absolutely formed. You have got to begin to build the team around you that will help you form it properly. With this episode, I hope that you hear how important it is to validate this process. More importantly, I hope you understand how beneficial it will be for you. There is no greater feeling than when you have embraced the process and you begin to see healthy relationships flourishing all around you.

You would be amazed at what kind of people it will attract to you. Miraculously, your picker will be fixed. But really, what is happening is you are learning a discipline and skill set that makes you attractive, and you will attract what you are developing. With that being said, I want you to understand that forever love is not a fantasy. Come on, say it with me: forever love is formed.