Insights on Marriage and Divorce

Dave Spiker: Marriages that end with major irreconcilable differences rarely start out that way. A small squeaky complaint when left unattended becomes a loud screeching offense. Had the conflict been resolved early, the tragic consequences may have never occurred. Today on Insight for Living, you'll hear Chuck Swindoll conclude a sermon shared last time. It's called "A Marriage Oiled by Grace."

As we look into God's word, we're finding wisdom and insight for husbands and wives on diffusing volatile disagreements before they spin out of control. Whether you've been married one year or 50 years, all of us will benefit from applying biblical insight on grace.

Chuck Swindoll: I am just finishing a book called *Pleasers* by Kevin Leman. *The Pleasers*, subtitle, *Women Who Can't Say No and the Men Who Control Them*. Listen to some of his comments. "The cost of marriage is higher for wives than for husbands. If you are talking about good mental health and psychological well-being, the men have it better every time. Despite all of their complaints about marriage, more women than men find marriage a source of happiness. They cling to marriage regardless of the cost."

Now I want you to hear these words from Dr. Leman as he talks about pleasing at any price, ladies, which you may have called submission, but it's not. I continue. "Down through the centuries, women have been the pleasers, men the controllers. If a woman was willing to accept the ground rules and the limits that marriage imposed on her, she could be quite happy. A woman's job then was to keep the home, raise the children, and be there for the whole family. The man's job was to go out and earn the living and make contributions to society. Men were in effect put on a pedestal and wives relegated to second-class citizenship."

Enter women's liberation in the latter part of the 20th century. And all this inequality is supposed to be dying out, but is it? He asks. Then he answers. "Women are finding that having it all is nothing that special. In fact, they're catching up with the men in having heart diseases, ulcers, and other stress-related illnesses. Now they are allowed to get good jobs and earn excellent incomes, but the emotional balance of power at home is still much the same. Most women still do the giving. Most men continue to take. The woman is the one who is more capable of compassion, support, and being there when needed. Men still aren't in touch with their feelings the way women are. They are less capable of reaching out to make emotional contact."

But he concludes, "They are very capable of reaching out to take whatever the woman has to offer. And in so doing, they often take advantage." Which brings me to this third section in 1 Peter 3, the grace to fulfill distinct roles here in a context of submission. And once again, this beautiful relationship that has been cultivated before the Lord Jesus that now folds its way into the home.

There is the wife who finds delight in giving herself. As I mentioned from the Ephesians passage so wonderfully, that she obeys the Lord even if the husband doesn't. You say, "Well, it would be great to do that if I had a husband that would like it and would love the Lord." But this passage is written to one who has a husband that doesn't love the Lord. He is clearly, verse one, disobedient to the word.

But how is he won? He is won without a word by the behavior of the wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. It's a wonderful word, translated "observe." It means a keen looking into something like you'd watch a replay on a close call. The husband observes that kind of behavior, and it blows him away.

Now the tendency is to substitute that with external things. And so he gets us at that point, wives. He says, "Let not your adornment be external only. Braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, and putting on dresses." I've heard preachers go nut with verse three. Say, "Aha, you see there, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't wear those things. You shouldn't braid your hair. You shouldn't wear gold jewelry." But I never heard one of them say, "You shouldn't put on a dress." So that's not the interpretation. The emphasis is on the word "only."

The tendency is to substitute the external adornment for internal character. And that's why verse four is so important. But let it be the hidden person of the heart. That's what's so great about grace. Let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit so precious in the eyes of God.

Now be careful with what you do with that, ladies. It doesn't mean that if you really fall in love with the Lord, you can start looking like an unmade bed. That's not the idea. I've said for years, you can be a fundamentalist, you just don't have to look like it. That's all. There can be a beauty in external, but don't let the external beauty take all of your time so that you leave out the grace. Or you'll just be attracted to somebody that wants external beauty.

What holds a husband in the long run is internal character. Here's the role. You want to know the wife's role? To model true femininity with character traits that are precious to God and impressive to her husband. That's your role. To model femininity with character traits that are precious to God and impressive to your husband. It'll get results. God will honor it.

That, by the way, will help in the bonding because your husband will then want to be masculine. Verse seven: "Husbands, likewise." Likewise, just as the wife has a role of submission to the Savior and to her husband, so the husband in submission to Christ. Likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way. The word "live with" means to be at home with. Not just come in the house and eat and stare at a television, belch, and go to sleep. That's not what "live" is about.

To live with is to get to know, to be at home with, to make a priority of the husband-wife relationship. That is living with. And in fact, it says literally, "live with your wife according to knowledge." You really know her. You know what she's like down deep. You know her deepest hurts, her fears. And you know where she needs affirmation and encouragement, and you give it.

You live with her according to knowledge. She's a weaker vessel. Physically weaker. Clearly that's been proven. She's a woman, meaning she's not a man. You don't live with a wife like you live with another man. You live with a wife who is different in so many ways and she will adore you knowing her differences and your respect for that.

So the husband's role is to provide genuine masculinity, unselfish and sensitive leadership that strengthens the home and gives dignity to the wife. You see how the verse concludes? "Grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life." The husband's role is to provide genuine masculinity, unselfish and sensitive leadership that strengthens the home and gives dignity to the wife.

You know what? The kids will have no problem bonding. They'll bond right, they'll grow right, they'll hit the road running in society, and they'll understand what it's like to be a man or what it's like to be a woman, and they'll like themselves.

In a fascinating book by Willard Harley, Dr. Willard Harley, entitled *His Needs, Her Needs*, he includes a study of over 20 years of counseling people who are married or married and along with that having marital affairs. During this time, he has gathered over 15,000 questionnaires that deal with sexuality.

And as a result of the behavior of his clients, which he found to be similar in many ways, he came up with five major needs of women and five major needs of men. Good for you. You've decided to write that down, haven't you? Okay. Now write both sides down. That's only fair. Now understand, there are exceptions, but generally speaking, couples fit rather well into this grid.

These five major needs for the women: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. The wife loves those qualities. Affection, conversation, someone to talk with, someone to listen. Honesty and openness, someone who is vulnerable, who will do more than say, "Pass the potatoes" or "Why are we watching that channel?" or "Did you get gas last week for the car?"

Honesty and openness. Fourth, financial support and fifth, family commitment. She wants to know you're committed to that home. That helps her with nesting. That's terribly important to her that your great joys are connected in some great ways with that home. By the way, by affection, I mean the feeling that she's truly prized and cherished and nourished and loved, not that your hands are all over her at all times, which brings me to the number one need of men.

Now that we've got that written down, number two. We were sharing as a staff several weeks ago and I said, "Why don't we, just to get things started, why don't we talk about the feeling we like the most and then let's talk about our greatest fear." And then it suddenly dawned on me, I said, "No, let's talk about the feeling we like second best of all and then our greatest fear, or our second greatest fear."

Sexual fulfillment is a man's greatest desire. Second, recreational companionship. How interesting that Dr. Harley came up with that one. Recreational companionship, someone who likes to do what I like to do in leisure. Third, an attractive spouse. He likes a wife who keeps herself attractive. Fourth, domestic support. He enjoys knowing you're committed to the home as well. And fifth, admiration.

I think that sexual expression followed closely by respect directly link with one another. How tempting wives, how tempting to be little girls. How tempting to be little girls who want a daddy in the husband. Little girls who want to act irresponsibly and carry on irresponsibly and a husband to quickly come and take your need and to sweep you away and you manipulate that so well.

How easy men, to be little boys. Tempted to just get our way, to refuse to grow up, to be moody, to manipulate our way with financial irresponsibility. That's the way little boys act. They spend everything they've got. To be overly critical, to be demanding, to be unthoughtful. Now, you know, every time I speak on this, it is always interesting to watch the parking lot. "Oh honey, here let me help you. Oh no, let me, let me take your... I'll carry your Bible." Whatever. Maybe Chuck's watching. "Oh, let me help you." So today doesn't count, okay?

Do you notice in verse seven that we are heirs together of what is it? Grace of life. Grace of life. Heirs, let's take each word. Heirs. We are fellow heirs of the grace of life. Fellow speaks of mutual equality. Would you put the authority thing to bed? You operate in grace, the authority thing will occur.

God will work it out. It's like a pastor who is determined to have the authority of a church. My counsel is operate in grace. It'll come to you in abundance. Mutual equality, fellow. Heirs, mutual dignity. Both of you get the same inheritance. Mutual dignity. Grace, mutual humility. You stumble over each other thinking of the other person. What a pleasure that would be.

Life, mutual destiny. Mutual equality, dignity, humility, destiny. And I'll tell you, the magnet in that home is so strong you don't want to be anywhere else. I've said for years that my favorite place on earth is just an inch or so inside the door of my home. Absolute love it in there. There I find security and acceptance and fulfillment and accountability, responsibility. The best things in the world for me are right there at home and I can't fake them out.

You say, "Well, you know Chuck, I really hear you but man, if you knew how unlovely, you know, if I only knew how unlovely you were when the Savior died, I would be just as amazed that he took you in." But he did. If we only knew how fast and far you were running from the Savior when he found you and brought you to himself, none of us would believe you'd really belong in the family. But he found you. And in grace, he stooped.

I'd like you to bow your heads and close your eyes and close your Bible. Let's just sit before the Lord here. Thank you, single friends, for sitting through this so patiently and hearing what I hope for you is preview of coming attractions. But even if it's not, these are the things you can pray for us who are married, who are working on the most challenging of all earthly relationships.

It's been a long time since some of you men have thought this deeply about your marriage. Husbands are hearing some things today that we need to hear. Maybe you've heard enough to say, "You know what Chuck, I'm the problem. I'm mainly the problem. I don't love her as Christ loved the church. I wouldn't die for her. I live angry at her. Oh my, stop." Let's start there.

And husbands, think biblically, reason theologically. Think back over the words sacrifice, sanctify, forgive, honor, nourish, cherish. A couple of ideas about words of vulnerable tenderness. These all help you start over. Wives, you have an eternal relationship with your Lord and in his sovereign plan, he placed you with this man. Okay, start there. That's reasoning theologically.

Where you go with that, not to stupid extremes, but where you go with that in a balanced way could make the whole difference in your attitude. When Cynthia and I went through our stuff, many a night in tears, all I could do was say, "Lord, I submit myself to you, to what you want to teach me in this." And I would hear her say similar things and in hold us together, help us through this. Here we are because the Lord stayed true to his promises.

The only reason you can't do it is you don't have the Savior. Now if you're without the Lord, this is all activity of the flesh and it'll soon cool again. You'll be back on your own. So what a wonderful moment for you right where you're sitting to sort of build an altar before the Lord right there in your lap and say, "Here's my life, Lord. You're the one that's been missing. I've tried all the other stuff but today I come just as I am. Sinful, lost, confused, broken, distant. And I thank you for taking me into your family. I come by faith alone in Christ alone to have a new life that only you can give me starting today."

Contact us. Let us know that you've made that decision. Don't try to make this journey on your own. You need help with it. There are a few things that some of us do really well but one of them is to help people grow spiritually. We can help you do that.

Lord, today we're admittedly in a culture that's lost its way, forgotten the pattern if they ever knew it, have gotten the threads all mixed up and the rug is a mess. It's really a disaster. The fracturing of homes has become commonplace so that we no longer even raise our eyebrows when we hear of another one that goes under.

I pray therefore that something which was presented from your exacting pattern called the Word of God would find root and bear fruit in some lives. That you'd give the men the courage to say, "I am wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me, let's start over." I pray that you would give the wives who have heard these words great capacity to believe their husbands, to work alongside them to help make this a reality.

Thank you, Father, for Jesus who is here for us, who loved us and modeled all these things before us. Help us, Lord, help us as we live out his life through the power of your Spirit. And now unto him who is able to guard us from stumbling and to present us blameless before your presence with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Savior be glory and majesty, dominion and power, now and forevermore through Christ our Lord we pray. And everyone said, amen. Amen.

Dave Spiker: You're listening to Insight for Living and a message from Chuck Swindoll titled "A Marriage Oiled by Grace." It's possible you've been listening to this study today feeling overwhelmed by conflict at home. Well, we're hoping today's study enlightens and encourages you. There's nothing that hurts deeper than family pain and nothing more rewarding than harmony in the home.

Now if you'd like to hear Chuck's message in its entirety, remember this study comes in the comprehensive series called *The Grace Awakening*. There are 15 sermons in the set and you can purchase the CDs or download the audio files. Go online to insight.org or give us a phone call at 1-800-772-8888. Again, today's sermon comes from the series called *The Grace Awakening*.

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I'm Dave Spiker, inviting you to join us again for another half-hour Bible teaching from Chuck Swindoll on Insight for Living.