Focus on the Family

John Fuller: Welcome to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We hope the following program will challenge you and encourage you in your faith journey. Today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we'll explore the relationship between parents and their adult children.

Guest (Female): Dad, we need to talk.

Guest (Male): Sure, honey. What's up? Want to use the car? Need a few bucks?

Guest (Female): No, no, no. Listen, Dad, I really think the time has come for me to move out of the house.

Guest (Male): Honey, why? This is so sudden.

Guest (Female): Dad, I'm 35 years old.

Guest (Male): What, all 35-year-old girls need to move out of their parents' houses? I thought you liked it here. I'd miss my little girl.

Guest (Female): I'm not your little girl anymore, Dad. I've been married for seven years.

Guest (Male): I know, I know, and we love Bob.

Guest (Female): Bill.

Guest (Male): Bill, your mother and I think the world of Bill. Don't we think the world of Bill, honey?

Guest (Female): Bill who? Listen, Dad, I'm getting older. It's time that I led my own life to give my family an identity of its own.

Guest (Male): Why?

John Fuller: Well, as our children get older, obviously some things need to change, and today we're going to learn how change can be a good thing. Thanks for joining us today. Your host is Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: I hope that's facetious. That dad needs to call Focus on the Family right now. But we are going to cover this issue of adult children and how we perhaps change the parenting modality at that point to be influencers rather than control freaks.

Jim Daly: I think that the best way to intro this program, John, is to give the title, "Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children." That says it all. If you're in this spot, you're going to need to order this book and listen to the broadcast today.

John Fuller: Yeah, Dr. Kathy Cook is back with us. She's always a popular guest. And Dr. Kathy is a speaker, author, researcher, the founder of Celebrate Kids, which is a ministry dedicated to equipping parents and caregivers and others to help children be more seen and heard. And today we're going to hear about Dr. Kathy's book, as Jim said. I hope you'll get a copy of it from us here at the ministry. Kathy, welcome back.

Guest (Female): Thank you so much. Honored to be here.

Jim Daly: It's always good. You are such a, let me say it politely, a research geek.

Guest (Female): You love the research on family, don't you?

Guest (Female): I love observing families. I don't necessarily like library research. I let somebody else do that for me. But oh, I love the research of observation and what's happening in culture that's affecting our families.

Jim Daly: Let me ask you this question because I love talking to people that like that kind of observational research, if I could call it that, because you see patterns. Which to me indicates God. Like Paul writes about. You have no excuse because you can see God in nature, right? And in that regard, we can see God and how families operate and what is good and what is not so good. What are some of those major breakdowns from the parenting side that occur?

Guest (Female): Oh, that's so good to start there. I should have gotten given you the memo. Easy questions only. You know, the fact that parents are still trying to parent when they need to move into a consulting role, maybe being a guide, a coach, a mentor, an influencer. We can't parent adult kids. We still may want to, and we may legitimately feel like we haven't finished our job yet because we begin to see some things that are lacking in our adult children when they begin to launch out. Then how do we deal with that? Do our kids want us to be involved at all? Do they maybe still want us to parent because they feel insecure, but we don't want to? I think that's part of the confusion for sure. I think relationships between adult children and the younger siblings can also be a really complex issue. The younger siblings are still being parented, or still living in home, but the older ones have maybe moved out and launched. But we still want them to be connected. I think that's a factor. I think overwhelmed parents, I think every parent of adult kids, every one of them is overwhelmed, not just by the adult kids, but just by culture, right? By confusion, by things that are going on in church, things that are going on in their workplace. And it's messy, but we don't give up, right? Because we have God. And we know, I hope we know in the knowing of our knowing, I like to say. I hope we know in the knowing of our knowing that we're still a family and that God ordains the family, and he doesn't want that to ever break up.

Jim Daly: Yeah, there's such power there when it's healthy. And unfortunately, many of us will experience kind of the destructive power of that, too. You know, family of origin leftovers. And I'll tell you, a lot of therapists, Christian therapists will talk about that. Things that give us a little limp in our adult lives because of what happened when we were children, right? You kind of do learn a lot. You don't fall far from the tree typically. Now, God can intervene and interdict, and you know, if your father was an alcoholic, you don't have to become an alcoholic. And so I love those components. That's part of my story, right? So, you know, there there's power through that relationship in Jesus. And that that's key to everybody's healthiness spiritually, right? Well, let's get into it. You warn parents about making kids into idols. Uh-oh.

Guest (Female): Especially I think especially Christians. Oh, shoot. I mean, yes.

Jim Daly: Don't you think?

Guest (Female): Yes.

Jim Daly: You know, we love our kids. I am always pulling out my phone. Look at my boys. Look at my boys. You know. But how do we need to be careful? And what does it mean, I guess, as a parent to make your children an idol?

Guest (Female): To depend upon them to be your everything.

Jim Daly: To meet your emotional needs.

Guest (Female): To meet your emotional needs, to meet your need for, look, I'm amazing. And so we display our children on, you know, the the pedestal, if you will, rather than the whatever, the, you know, back in Bible times when they would have used some structure somewhere. No, we're we're created to worship, right? We are created to worship. We will worship someone or something. It should be God. Um, and do we are we doing that? Is is God the center of our universe? Is God who we think of and talk about? Is it God that we're trying to impress? And again, we don't have to impress God, but to glorify God, right? So, I'm here today and and I don't like I don't need to be remembered. Like my my prayer would be that God would be pleased with what happens here between the three of us and the production team, you know, behind the window and that there would be evidence that we did good work here, so that God looks good and that Jesus is known and celebrated. That has to be the mindset. But yeah, we have parents idolizing children, grandparents idolizing grandchildren, meaning that they want the children to perform for them to make them look good. And that's not appropriate. Children are not performers. God didn't give us kids so that we would look good. If you're afraid that you're going to look like a less than great parent because your children are doing something wrong, that might be a sign that you're idolizing them.

Jim Daly: You know, the the thing I have observed in myself, let alone other parents I know, but it is, you know, it's so kind of below the radar sometimes that you're even doing this. You're not aware that you're doing making an idol out of your children or that you're deriving something positive from their good behavior. You know? And I I can remember that. I talked to my boys, you know, there was a couple of good friends that I had saying, make sure your boys realize they don't have to perform because you're the president of Focus.

Guest (Female): Totally.

Jim Daly: So I mean, I just had that conversation with them, you know. I'm not expecting you to be perfect young men. I think they took it to heart. But no, they're great. They're really good young men. But I, you know, that's important for parents, Christian parents, pastors.

Guest (Female): Oh, totally. Oh, my goodness.

Jim Daly: How how do you have that healthy conversation age-appropriately, you know, with your eight-year-old versus your 15-year-old?

Guest (Female): Yeah, no, and I think, you know, so I love that you were aware of that. And I think that's most parents are excellent parents. I tell adult children all the time, your parents did the best they knew how to do with the wisdom they had in the moment. Stop judging them. And we can get into that more, you know, later. But I think the parent needs to be alert. Am I expecting something from my children that's making them uncomfortable to be around me? Like maybe they don't want to tell me how they're doing because they're afraid that I'll be either very disappointed and harsh or expecting them to keep up the good work, you know, because the parent thinks, hey, I'm I'm not see, if you don't think you're anybody who can do anything except that you're a parent, the pressure your children are feeling is immense. And this is one reason they distance themselves from us because they don't they don't want that pressure. So I want to say again what you were just saying, I'm Jim. Nobody did this intentionally. Very few parents do this intentionally. Um, and so what we're here to do is to raise their awareness, right? So that they don't live in denial, so that they can realize maybe this is an issue, and maybe I need to rely on God in me to be well and not expecting my children.

Jim Daly: But in that regard, you created something called a declaration of release. I love this. Describe it and how do we apply it?

Guest (Female): Right. So for us to realize that God loves our adult children more than we ever could or would, and for us to understand that we can't control. Now that they're adults living outside of the home, or even if they're living in the home, they are adults. Our parenting years are finished. Now we consult, guide, coach, mentor, et cetera. And so the declaration of release is designed to give the parent this opportunity to say, my son is God's. Now, I hope that the son has always been God's, right? But this is different, and I'm going to release my kids, my sons and daughters to the love of God. And I'm not going to control you. I'm going to pray that God meets your needs for security, et cetera, and that you don't look to me to meet them. I think that's huge. And then we we parent strong still, right? We still parent, but we parent differently. We love we love maybe a bit differently. And we release them to God. So, say it every day, you know, that you're you're now released to the love that God has. And I'm going to take my hands off of you, and I'm going to ask God to like, help you. I know, the look on your face for people who are not watching on YouTube, you're like, this is not easy.

Jim Daly: Yeah. And that's the point there because we I would say overengage. You know, someone asked me this question, which I thought was really good. If the Lord's plan for your child was to take them through a valley at 25, let's say, so that he could get their attention, whatever that might be, would you be willing as the parent to allow God that maneuverability to get to their soul? Now, we're going to say, absolutely. But when it comes to doing it, it's like absolutely not.

Guest (Female): Right. Right.

Jim Daly: We're going to save, we're going to intervene, we're going to do the things that keep them from pain. And the irony is we may be keeping them from a depth of their relationship with Christ.

Guest (Female): Absolutely. And that's a reason that I would love and be honored if parents of teenagers would buy this book because we can begin to see the pattern that needs to be established now so that when they launch, whether that be college, trade, military, early marriage, entrepreneurship, gap year, whatever, they're able to do that well. I think I think the point that you're making is really, really good. We know the scripture. We know what it says in Romans 5. We've I've been on the show before talking with the two of you about the resiliency factor, and it comes from going through valleys well. Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4 are two of the places Romans 8:29, the verse after Romans 8:28 that all things will work together, you know, for those who love God and live on purpose. All those verses say that the struggle is worth it. That's where we get our biblical character, that's where we get our deeper faith in the God of the Bible because we experience him in the valley. So if parents have overprotected their children and they've expected their children to look good so that they feel good about the job that they've played as parent, the kids are possibly fragile. They have loved that parents have protected them up until this point. Grab your lunch. Every kid loves that they're reminded to grab their lunch because they don't want to go hungry in the middle of the day. But now that they're 21, 23, you know, 35, they do want to grow up and they do want some independence, and they do want to discover how the world works. And they're going to discover that when we allow them to walk through valleys, we pray in the distance perhaps. We ask, hey, can I help you in any way? Let me know, how can I help you? But we we watch, and then we praise God for the opportunity that those kids had to grow up, and hopefully it wasn't trauma and tragedy, but it was growth.

Jim Daly: Yeah. Well, again, I love that idea of declaration of release. And if you haven't done that, that's one good reason to get the book just to see that concept and do it and write it out. Let me ask you this. In funny, I was reading the prep last night and Trent was over for dinner, so I actually went through some of this with him. But you caution parents to listen more and talk less. Ouch. And then, you know, making I statements versus you statements. So describe what that looks like and sounds like. The I statement versus the you statement.

Guest (Female): Right. So it would be like the I statement is, you know, I I worry when you don't reach out to me often enough. Okay, like I worry. Or I wonder who you're hanging out with. I just I I love you, and we're not as connected because you don't live here. So I'm just curious about who you're hanging out with. That's I statement. I'm curious versus you never tell me who you're hanging out with.

Jim Daly: Yes.

Guest (Female): Okay, so you never that's very judgmental, right? That sounds invasive. I think to adult kids, it sounds like, well, why don't you trust me to just why do you need to know who I'm hanging out with?

Jim Daly: Correct. What's the outcome of that style of parenting at that level? What will that adult child do?

Guest (Female): Oh, the you statement will cause them to remain distant.

Jim Daly: Correct. Yeah.

Guest (Female): Yeah. They'll

Jim Daly: So the very thing you're wanting as the parent, you're not going to get because of how you're interacting.

Guest (Female): Right. Right. Let me tell you guys, this book was hard to write because nobody wants to hear that because you can't go back 10 years and change the way you parented. So let me say to our audience, like thank you for being here, and you did the best you knew how to do when you did it. And now we're going to give you some advice about changing course if if you are willing to do that, right? So I worry or I wonder or I'm concerned because you told me that you had a job interview, but you haven't told me how it turned out. That's healthier, and that I think engages conversation.

Jim Daly: Yeah. On-demand parenting, I think of streaming. Is that a show on Netflix? Yeah. What is on-demand parenting and why do we need to be aware of it?

Guest (Female): Yeah, so back in the old days, you know, we just had the phone, right? And praise God for the phone on the wall. Um, you know, now we've got, you know, we can follow our kids on apps if if they allow us to. There's, you know, there's Facetime, there's texting, there's calling, there's, you know, Facebook, there's Instagram. There's so many places where we can go to our kids.

John Fuller: This Focus on the Family broadcast will continue in just a moment. Hey parents, parent here. If you're searching for biblical and practical tips for your kid's specific age, you know, with all that extra time you have. Well, you can stop. Focus on the Family has weekly age and stage emails that bring the tips to you. Each week I get an email for my son that I can read on my phone and put directly into practice. No more sifting through junk on the internet. I can focus my time on being intentional. It's easy, visit mykidsage.com at your kid's age and get to parenting better. That's mykidsage.com. Is your marriage struggling? Communication breaking down? Trust fading? Conflict that never seems to resolve? There's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives by Focus on the Family help couples step away from daily life and focus fully on rebuilding their relationship. And right now, through the Marriage Investment Initiative, Hope Restored is investing $1,000 toward marriage intensives. Visit hoperestored.com/invest. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming.

Jim Daly: Dr. Kathy, you have great suggestions, recommendations for parents and adult children in how to help their relationship. Home visits is one of the things that you cover in the book. Now that's really funny. Because again, I'm talking experientially. John, you've got six kiddos, so but you know, even going by the apartment to to just say hi. You got to I've only done that one time, and it was, you know, Trent said, hey, why don't you stop on by. But you you got to respect their territory, right?

Guest (Female): That would be ideal. Yeah. You know, you said, you've got to. I think absolutely. I think if you want a healthier relationship with your adult children, if you want to have communication that's give and take, if you want them to freely share with you their joys and their despair so that you can still be involved with them, then we respect by asking permission. We say things like, hey, I'm going to be over on your side of town. Would you be home tonight? I'd love to just stop by and say hi.

Jim Daly: Yeah, it's kind of like how you would treat a friend of yours. You would you would call and say, hey, are you going to be around Tuesday? I'm in your area.

Guest (Female): I love that. Because you just made the comment that your son has delighted in this newer friendship relationship. By the way, one of the things that was really hard in writing the book was finding out that parents who think they did everything right so that they could be a friend with their kids later are now not friends with their kids, and it's been devastating to them. And so again, we do what we can do in hopes that it will turn out well, but it's never too late. It's never too late to, you know, not live in denial and recognize that we maybe were doing some things that weren't great, you know, to ask for forgiveness perhaps, to apologize perhaps, and for us to say to our kids, hey, could I stop by for 15 minutes? I think what's what's interesting about that limit. I'd love to, you know, I I made your favorite cinnamon coffee cake. Could I stop by? 15 minutes, I'll just stay. And no joke, you guys, that gives the kid the freedom to say yes because 15 minutes isn't a three-hour visit.

Jim Daly: Right.

Guest (Female): When you don't know, maybe your son or daughter had work to do at home that night, or a really important Facetime call with somebody else that you want them to be friends with, or whatever the case. They just wanted to go to bed early.

Jim Daly: I love that idea.

Guest (Female): Or they had a movie to watch or whatever. And so you you set the mental timer, or I have friends who actually set the timer on their phone for 15 minutes, they walk in and it buzzes, and they say, hey, 15 minutes, and they leave. Now, if the kid says, oh, stay a little bit longer, like that's fabulous, right? But I think the limit is really a blessing.

Jim Daly: That's an invitation. Yeah, that's great. Shows respect.

Guest (Female): And you know, Kathy, you said something earlier about parents who don't have a relationship with their adult kids, and I I know several, we probably all know several families going through that where the child is the one that says, no, I don't want the relationship. Offer some encouragement to that parent because that's a really hard place to be.

Guest (Female): It is. I appreciate that, John. And it is happening far too often. First of all, I want to say this. Most parents parented really well with the information they had at the time. So I don't want every parent to think that they've done something wrong that has caused their adult child to distance themselves from them. There can be influences on the adult kids. There can be any number of things that have happened. So don't look back and think, oh, if only. In fact, I write about the if only and the what ifs. Oh, if only I would have prayed more. You know, what if we would have changed churches earlier? What if I wouldn't have sent my kid to a public school? We can we can do that all day long, and it's not necessarily going to help us find peace and hope in that situation. So I think that's important. Go forward more than look back. If you realize that there is something you've done wrong, own it. Take responsibility for your stuff. And again, I say, you did the best you knew how to do in the moment. And yet, if you're recognizing, whoa, you were distant, you know, you traveled, and you didn't work to relate to the kid when you got back from the business trip or whatever, own it. Apologize for that, if you feel like you you should. If sin was involved, ask to be forgiven. I think those things are important. One of the things I'll comment on that might be hard for people to hear is that the research is clear that the more that we helicoptered our children, the more likely it is that they're going to distance themselves from us now. So if you overparented, if you did demand, if you were in control, if you asked every little nitpicky question, if the only mom they knew was the helicopter mom that hovers over the breakfast bar while they're doing their homework, and now they do want to be independent. Now they do want to mature on their own. This is how life is supposed to happen. They don't think you can parent any differently. But you can if you choose to back off, give them the space and the place where they discover why they are the who they are, and actually find out that you did a good job as a mom.

Jim Daly: So much of what you're talking about in the book for us as the parent of the adult child is seeing your blind spots.

Guest (Female): Yeah.

Jim Daly: But even the statement is incongruent. It's hard to see your blind spots.

Guest (Female): Yes, yes. That's why they're called blind spots.

Jim Daly: Blind spots, because you don't see them. In fact, you used a term in the book for the parent, which is the story you tell yourself.

Guest (Female): Yes.

Jim Daly: And I I related to this one, too. Speak to that idea of the story you tell yourself as a parent.

Guest (Female): Right. No, I appreciate what you guys are talking about here. So, let's say that you reach out to your your adult daughter, and you want her to visit. And she has said no three times in a row. And maybe she even gave you a reason. You know, Katie has a soccer tournament. Or I've got an assignment due for my supervisor, and I need to work at home tonight. So there were reasons, but your the story you tell yourself is, she doesn't love me. If she loved me, she'd come over. If she loved me, she'd allow me to visit. Or the story you tell yourself is, she has time for everything else, but she never makes time for me. And those protect us, but they're lies. Because we've chosen to not believe our adult kids. Now, what's awkward is, maybe the adult kid doesn't value you. So the story you tell yourself is, I have no value in my daughter's eyes. She doesn't care anymore at all. That's the story you tell yourself every time she says no, no, no, no, no. Sadly, that might be true. So then you ask her. Like, the story I'm telling myself is that you have no interest in my life at all. Is that right? Well, no, that's not right. Well, then why do you say no all the time? Well, I told you that Katie has a soccer game, and I had an assignment due for work, and I told you that Jonathan wasn't feeling well. Oh, so those are true statements. So, what day in the upcoming week would we be available together to have coffee? Oh, well, I don't have time. Okay, now that just told me that you don't value me.

Jim Daly: Does that making sense? Oh, it does. I just feel even that statement feels strong coming from the parent.

Guest (Female): And and

Jim Daly: But I get laying out the groundwork.

Guest (Female): Come on.

Jim Daly: No, I know. But I mean,

Guest (Female): Yeah, we earn the right to say that, right?

Jim Daly: Yeah. Yeah. But it is a different era. I mean, a different time in your parenting now where you got to say, I would say it with a little more happiness. Like, hey, do you want to do you want to grab coffee next week?

Guest (Female): Right. Right. So,

Jim Daly: Rather than

Guest (Female): I'm going to accept that you've been busy the past week, so thanks for being honest with me. What about the upcoming week? Can you glance at your calendar real quick? I'm free Tuesday and Wednesday.

Jim Daly: You know what this is reminding me of is and Dr. Dobson, he talked about this on the old Focus on the Family program, Harry Chapin's song, you know, Cats in the Cradle.

Guest (Female): Oh, yes, come on.

Jim Daly: I mean, it's right there, you know, so the essence of the song is dad as his child is growing up. He just never has time to play catch or do anything. And then the boy keeps saying, when I grow up, I'm going to be just like him. And then that happens. He goes off to college, he comes home. I don't have time to meet with you, Dad. Can I have the car keys? See you later. Can I have them please?

Guest (Female): Right.

Jim Daly: And that's a whole reflection on the fact that your son grew up to be just like you, meaning no time for you. But now in a different context, you're the old guy, Dad, and your adult son has no time for you because that's what what you did to him.

Guest (Female): That's hard, right? Yeah. So we we accept what's happened, and we move forward full of grace for ourselves and our kids. And maybe we talk that through with the spouse if we're married, with even our appearance if they're alive and they're healthy for us, maybe a best friend, maybe a pastor, maybe a counselor, say, hey, I'm having a hard time getting through this moment in time. And it's one of the reasons, and we can talk about this later, that I do write in the book about how important it is for adult parents to have all other identities solid as well. You're not just parenting adult kids. You're a member of a choir and you're a neighbor's best friend, and you're a wife or a husband, and you're, you know, a consultant in this way and that way, and you're still, you know, an important person at work. Know who you are so that you don't depend only on your parenting relationship to get your confidence from, if I can put it that way.

Jim Daly: Oh, without a doubt. And I you know, this is day one. We want you to come back and let's continue for day two. And we've touched on it, but I don't want to land, it feels heavy a little bit. There's hope for you, Mom and Dad. I mean, this is not the end of the world, hopefully. But even if, even regardless of what your adult child does responsively, you doing the right thing is the right thing to do.

Guest (Female): Yes. Oh, say that again.

Jim Daly: Yeah, I mean,

Guest (Female): Yes.

Jim Daly: It's just so evident. And so what we want to encourage you to do is to get the book, understand, especially if you have conflict in that relationship with your adult children. What you're responsible for is improving that relationship. There's no guarantee that the adult child is going to change. But that's not the motivation. It's to be the light of Christ, to be loving and kind as Christ would be, and to do the things you're responsible to do to give the opportunity for your adult child to respond.

Guest (Female): Yes. Yes.

Jim Daly: Beautiful. All right. So let's do it. Let's come back next time. Thanks for today. And let me just say it, the title of the book again. This should be the motivation for everybody going, I need that book. And let me tell you, we are hearing from so many parents of adult children right now. The donor community, the constituents that engage with Focus, I know you're living in this spot. Even more serious things than what we were able to get to today. But come back tomorrow, we'll cover some more content. Order the book, Resolve conflict, find peace and hope with your adult children. Who doesn't want that?

John Fuller: Yeah. Call today. Our number is 800-232-6459. Make a donation as you can, and we'll send that book, Resolve conflict and find peace and hope with adult children, right away. You can go to our website and download Dr. Kathy's declaration of release. She's given us that to offer you for free. So stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And of course, if today's conversation brought up any concerns, if this is a space, as Jim said, that you're living and there's tension, ask to speak with one of our caring Christian counselors. Again, our number 800, the letter A, and the word family.

Jim Daly: Kathy, again, thanks for being with us. Let's come back and hit it again.

Guest (Female): I'd love to.

John Fuller: And we hope you'll join us next time as well. And thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. You're listening to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We'll take a quick break and then return with the second half of this program for your family. Stay tuned.

Guest (Male): Well, hi, I'm Dr. Danny Huerta, and when a teen is struggling with anxiety, the stress often brings sleepless nights and being pulled apart as parents. But many couples have walked this road and found deeper unity along the way. On Fearless Faith, I share common places where anxiety begins, while young adults like Caroline share how they've grown with faith, patience, and community support. You also hear practical ways to care for your teen while strengthening your marriage. Listen at navigatingteenanxiety.com.

Guest (Female): If the only mom they knew was the helicopter mom that hovers over the breakfast bar while they're doing their homework, and now they do want to be independent. Now they do want to mature on their own. This is how life is supposed to happen. They don't think you can parent any differently. But you can if you choose to back off, give them the space and the place where they discover why they are the who they are, and actually find out that you did a good job as a mom.

John Fuller: Well, that's Dr. Kathy Cook describing how it's possible to have a respectful, healthy, loving relationship with your adult child. Dr. Kathy is back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, and we're so glad you've joined us as well.

Jim Daly: And you know, we're talking to so many of you when I travel, I'm meeting so many parents of adult children now, the 25-year-old, 30-year-old, and it it's a whole bouquet of what's happening out there. And a lot of frustration, and a lot of good things are happening, too. Not to paint it all in a bad picture. It's just, you know, the whole array I'm able to hear about. But we do want to help you as a parent particularly do the best job you can do in being a parent and an influencer of that adult child. And there guess what? Here's the here's the neon sign. They're going to do things that you disagree with. And the question is, what are you going to do with that? Are you going to treat them as a 15-year-old or as a 25-year-old? And believe me, there's a difference.

John Fuller: And if you missed any of the conversation last time with Dr. Kathy, get our Focus on the Family app so you can listen on the go anytime. And check the website for audio and video as well. And we're talking about Dr. Kathy's book, Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children, strategies and conversations that work, and we're so glad to have her back.

Jim Daly: Kathy, it's great to have you back. Thanks for being with us.

Guest (Female): I'm glad to be here. Thank you.

Jim Daly: All right, so we pummeled the parents last time. I mean let me just say, we had lots of examples of where we're blowing it, you know, the overcontrol, the things that we do that alienate our adult children. And it's easy to do because we have the best intention. You were very kind to defend a parent's uh lack of maturity in parenting their adult children. But it's time to get on the horse and go, right? We got to have a better relationship. If you're in a bad relationship or a not as adequate a relationship with your adult children. This is what we want to do is equip you. So what what's on the adult child's side of the responsibility ledger? Because you're going to and I know you know this, you you hear from parents, well, it's not me.

Guest (Female): Right.

Jim Daly: It's him.

Guest (Female): It's that son or it's that daughter. Right.

Jim Daly: Right. Or the daughter-in-law, or the son-in-law.

Guest (Female): Or the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law.

Jim Daly: So the question in all that is, yeah, what's on their side of the ledger? What are they responsible for?

Guest (Female): Yeah, I actually love that we're starting with that. Um, you know, love your parents. Good heavens, they sacrifice for you. They've gone out of their way for you. Amen, sister. You didn't even tell me to say that. But um, you know, we're all imperfectly perfect, right? So the the parents have been imperfectly perfect. I want to say to the adult children, your parents parented the best that they knew how to do in the moment that they did it. And you're now judging based on things that you know, things that you think are true. You're watching culture like, why didn't my parents do that or say that or why the way they are? Well, they are the way they are. Can you love them in that anyway? And can you walk toward them? You know, and can you say yes more often than no? Like they want 15 minutes.

Jim Daly: That should start like at age seven.

Guest (Female): Come on. No, it should. Say yes more than no. That's a good piece of advice.

Jim Daly: That's a good piece of advice.

Guest (Female): I mean, I appreciate that, Jim. We are a family, and and what we know here at Focus on the Family and at Celebrate Kids is that God ordains the family before he ordains the church. Yeah. We are supposed to be a family. We're imperfect for each other.

Jim Daly: We'll call today the tough question day because now I want to talk about when the adult kids get married.

Guest (Female): Oh, yeah.

Jim Daly: And uh, I'll put it in this context because it's funny. I was playing golf with somebody, and he missed the green on what they call an approach shot. That's when your last shot into the green. And he missed it off to one side. He said, ah, that's a son-in-law shot.

Guest (Female): Whoa.

Jim Daly: I said, what do you mean? He goes, it was close, but not what I was hoping for.

Guest (Female): Oh. Oh, shoot. I thought, oh, wow. I hope he doesn't have a son-in-law.

Jim Daly: But you know, the point is it's humorous, but I get it. I mean, it's not what you were hoping for for your daughter, or it's not what you were hoping for for your son. How do you how do you navigate all of that? You know, this new family that you're now a part of. And how do you let yourself go a little bit to be less selfish about all that and be encouraging to that new family member.

Guest (Female): That was a great point. So how do we navigate that? Very carefully. And often silently. You know, I think, you know, when our when our when our kids are, you know, in our home, and they're beginning to date or they're of that age, we pray, I think we pray more for our children to be ready for marriage than we pray for the spouse. I think that's something I say all the time. Most parents I meet pray for their children's spouses. I have you prayed for your child to be ready for that step of life? And then yes, you pray for the spouse, and you hopefully have taught your kids how to discern. Do they know their values? Do they know family values? Do they know who they're becoming and who they would love to be and the kind of life they'd like to live? And if they know those things, they're going to seek a spouse who will support those things. Now, if they do fall in love with somebody who has a different faith or a different work ethic or a different family structure, and you're concerned, then speak up before they marry, before they marry. Speak up and be be truth and be wisdom and be love in those moments. If they've married somebody who you think is not great, pray, pray, and pray again for the spouse to mature, for the relationship to be healthy. I would pray that you would want them married and that it would be good for your daughter, your son to be married to that person. And I think again, we support, we we we love, we pray, and we say things like, how can I help you? Like, if you notice that your daughter is struggling, let's say your daughter has become critical, and she didn't used to be a critical person. You can say to your daughter, you know, Samantha, I've noticed just a critical spirit in you. You're quick to judge and quick to be angry, and I'm you weren't you weren't that way. You don't have to say you you weren't raised that way. You don't have to make it about you. You can say, man, I just that just hasn't been a part of your character. So I'm naturally concerned because you used to be a woman of great joy. I think you've lost your joy. How can I help you?

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Guest (Female): Not, you know, can I help? No. But how can I help? Well, you can help by being quiet about it. You know, you can help by praying. You can help by, you know, can we go out for coffee? Or you could help by, could you answer a question? Like, how have you dealt with it? Like, was Dad ever mean-spirited? Dad, was Dad critical? And how did you handle his criticism? So, ideally, you're available to be a a blessing of again, consultant role, not again, parenting in the way that you would control or force them to to agree with you. And I think the other another thing that's really complicated about family, you guys, is that when somebody marries, they they marry a person, but that person comes with family.

Jim Daly: Oh, yeah.

Guest (Female): Right. So there's in-laws, and there's siblings, and there's aunts, and there's uncles, and there's, yeah, so we, and we don't we don't know them, so it's hard to love them. But you can love without knowing them because that's what we are, lovers, right? We love because God loved us. And I don't I haven't found a Bible verse that says, you know, because you know them well, you should love them well. No, you love because your daughter's married into that family. And now you go to a family dinner, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and you choose to sit next to somebody you haven't gotten to know well yet. And you say, oh, so you're the Aunt Kathy. You're my my son-in-law's sister. I'd love to get to know you. Tell me about yourself.

Jim Daly: No, that's really good. You know, that introduction of the holidays, you know, now these become I hate to say it this way, but it can be true. Battlegrounds.

Guest (Female): It can happen.

Jim Daly: You know, where the boys aren't going to be there because they're with their wife's family. There are constructive ways. I've heard of really good resolution to that, that they flip every other year, you know, and they come to our house for Christmas and the in-laws' house for next year's Christmas, you know, and the same with Thanksgiving or whatever. How how do you go into that environment with uh an open mind about the fact that you have to share?

Guest (Female): Come on.

Jim Daly: I mean, we're like little kids again. I'm not sharing my son with you.

Guest (Female): Yes. Open mind, absolutely. Like, know that this is going to happen. Like, let's not be clueless about this. And let's be grateful for what we have more than angry for what we don't have. And again, I I say that, and I don't say that like it's an easy flip of a switch, but it's a choice that we have. Both the adult children need to be grateful because they're going to miss siblings and they're going to miss parents and grandparents. And the adult parents need to be grateful as well, or the parents need to be grateful as well. Friends of mine, um, got remarried after both spouses passed away. So they now have eight children among them, and I think 19 grandkids, if I remember right. And they don't get together with any of their family on Thanksgiving or Christmas. They decided to not be the problem, and they've said to their children, go with the in-laws. And they do that. And so my friends are alone every Thanksgiving and every Christmas, so they serve. Which is beautiful. And the entire family gets together one day in usually November and one day usually in January. But what's really cool about that, you guys, is that every one of the children and the stepchildren are there. So now all the cousins meet and get to know each other, and the children get to know the stepchildren better than they ever would have before if they would have split every other year. And that's a choice that my friends have made to honor their children. And the children then honor their parents and the siblings by absolutely cementing that one day in January is the family day.

Jim Daly: And what I'm hearing you say is just get creative. Find ways that that meet the needs. Without disrupting too many people, right?

Guest (Female): Yeah, as you can. Because it's not supposed to be about us. We're supposed to be other-centered.

Jim Daly: Which is good. You mentioned in the book about prioritize the future over the past. What do you mean by that?

Guest (Female): No, things are bringing that up. And I love the way you word the question. Again, this is pretty individualized, so it's a little bit challenging here, even in writing the book. But again, um, do you know enough to know what would be helpful? What have they tried? What haven't they tried? How motivated are they? Are they concerned? Are they angry? Um, do they feel manipulated by the system? You know, what's going on there? But you have a right as the parent to have a a standard and a and a boundary. Like you're not allowed in our home as a user. You know, we can't maybe you have younger siblings, right? So if you're parenting kids in the home, and you have an adult child who's addicted and unhealthy, maybe not even addicted, but depressed in a dangerous way, anxious in a way that would not be healthy to be around the younger kids. You have a right to say, you're you're you know, sorry, you can come for dinner, but we can't have you stay the night because you're just not a healthy example. You have a right to do that. You have to decide if that's the best thing to do. And then you say to your kids, you know, how can we help? Can we help? How can we help? What do you need? Help me understand what's going on here. I I guarantee you and Jim, you know this as the president here of Focus that they're trying to meet a need in an unhealthy way. Yeah. They have a need for something. They have a need for belonging, and they've chosen to belong to the community of addicted people. Because they're they're welcomed there. No, you can teach them that they can be welcomed elsewhere. That you can abstain from liquor or drugs or pharmaceuticals or whatever it might be, and and we can be your belonging. You know, and we'll welcome you home. And let's go out to dinner every Tuesday night, et cetera, et cetera. I also want to say to the parents who are listening, and it's a hard moment, your son is more than addicted. He still is creative. He still is your firstborn. He still is a brother. He still is a grandson. He still is a sound engineer. You know, he still is a a guy with a heart of gold. Addiction robbed him and is controlling him, but he's more than that. And when we just like a a parent is more than a parent. Which is a helpful reminder that you can't rely just on your children to have all your needs met. Inappropriate. And I so I think that might be something that we would think about.

Jim Daly: That's really good. And and and Jim, what if I would also say that we start by being sad. You know, when you're a parent of a young child, you get to be the problem solver. Now you're the parent of an adult kid. And you might have permission from a child to be part of the solution, but you might not. So, can we love anyway? And can we be sad before we're mad? And can our compassion for the mess that our son or daughter is and could that be our motivation to pray more and to love differently and to introduce them to mentors, et cetera? You have a right to your sadness. You have a right to your disappointment. And please don't look back assuming you did something wrong. This is where the what if and the if only parenting can kill you. It's possible that you did everything right. And I know what I know, you did what you knew how to do. I write in the book, don't look back with today's wisdom. Since you raised these children, you have read more parenting books, prayed more prayers, memorized more scripture, listened to more sermons, and listened to more broadcasts at Focus on the Family. And now that you know what you know, you look back and you think, how could I have been so stupid? You weren't stupid back then. You did what you knew how to do. So we look forward with hope.

Jim Daly: Yeah. Kathy, I I love the conversation. And again, the book content is very good. And it's right on point for these parents of adult children that are struggling. We've covered a lot of the content, but nowhere near all of it. So people need to get a copy of the book and start reading it for themselves and and dig in. And be a student of life about what is true and what can be and how you need to behave in all of it. As the adult, the more adult adult, right? Yeah. The mature one, hopefully. But so thank you so much.

Guest (Female): Thanks.

Jim Daly: You're welcome for being with us. And again, this is really, really good. And who doesn't want to resolve conflict and find peace and hope with your adult children. The title of your book, which is right on. Get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family. And if you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send you the book as a gift in our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping other families to do well. And uh, we're so thankful for friends like you who support this ministry. Our research shows that over the past 12 months, our joint efforts have helped more than 80,000 parents, uh, work through a significant crisis in their parenting. And I'm proud of that. In fact, I have a story from one such parent that said, Focus on the Family has greatly impacted us over the years. Thank you for helping us raise our family, strengthen our marriage, and for supporting and encouraging us in everyday life. We recently became monthly supporters and are so grateful to be part of this wonderful ministry. Well, thank you, Tracy, for sending us that note. And that's it. Doing it together is how this gets done. So thank you for supporting the ministry.

John Fuller: Yeah. Be part of the team when you call 800, the letter A and the word family, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And if your family is traveling this summer, we hope you make plans to include Focus on the Family. Stop by. We have a wonderful welcome center with a self-guided tour through the history of our ministry, along with a great play place for kids based on our popular Adventures in Odyssey programs, and a world-class bookstore as well. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family Weekend. For more shows and encouragement for your entire family, stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.