Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Let me ask you a question: How do you handle confrontation? Do you avoid it at all cost or are you maybe a little over eager to engage in it, like you always like a good fight.

Chip Ingram: Today I want to encourage you not to retreat when tough conversations or challenges arise, but to step into them in a healthy, God-honoring way. Stay with me.

David Wroe: Today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram takes us into 1 Timothy chapter 5 and tackles what may be the hardest thing in the Christian life, relational courage. Paul's coaching to Timothy isn't abstract, it's granular. How to treat older men, younger men, older women, younger women, how to handle accusations, how to discern who really needs help and who's taking advantage. And through all of it, the same underlying thread, wisdom.

David Wroe: Knowing the right thing to do, the right way, for the right reason. If you have your Bible, open it now to 1 Timothy chapter 5. Now, here's Chip Ingram with his message, Step Into.

Chip Ingram: So if you'll open up to 1 Timothy chapter 5, let's continue Paul's coaching to Timothy and then we'll talk about the application to us. First he's going to first two verses he's going to say, "Look, Timothy, in general, here's how to relate to everybody in the church. Do not sharply rebuke an older man."

Chip Ingram: "And to the younger men as brothers, to the older women as mothers, and to the younger women as sisters in all purity. Verse three, Honor widows, if any woman, verse 16, who is a believer, has dependent widows, she must first assist them and the church must not be burdened so that it may assist those who are actually widows. Think of emotional intelligence. Timothy, be tender and sensitive with older men. Don't rebuke them. Timothy, with mothers, be tender and sensitive. Timothy, by the way, if people can take care of their own households and they're trying to mooch off the church, it's tough love."

Chip Ingram: Tim's going. These principles that I've laid out about relationships, you do them without bias and you do them without partiality. You don't let just because people have money or power or influence or gave to buy this or buy that or they intimidate people. It's not what leaders do, Timothy.

Chip Ingram: Then he gives him some warnings. Do not lay hands upon anyone too quickly and thereby share responsibility for the sins of others. Keep yourself free from sin. I I like verse 23. I'm not even sure why it's in here other than, you know what? I've been pretty hard on you. Let me just give you a little personal encouragement, right?

Chip Ingram: Timothy, don't go on drinking only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments. Then then he goes back, the sins of some people are quite evident, going on before them to judgment. For others, their sins follow after. Timothy, you got to be really careful who you put in leadership because here's here's the deal. Some some people you put in leadership, they mess up and everyone knows they mess up.

Chip Ingram: But some people go to their grave and we don't find out about the damage or what's happened until later, but it's devastating. And without mentioning any names, I think you can all think of some of some of the greatest Christian leaders in our whole generation who in recent times revelations about their sexual indiscretions and that have rocked, in this particular case, not the United States, globally.

Chip Ingram: And what I can tell you is for reasons God only knows, I have I've been in three church ministries in my life. In every one of those three, I followed someone who fell morally. I will tell you something. You can't fathom or grasp how long the ripples, the people who I can't trust God. I can't believe in God anymore. I believed in that person, if he did that. A weak man in a weak moment under the right circumstances, beginning with me and everyone in this room and anyone who ever watches this, you can fall.

Chip Ingram: I mean, if David, I I mean, I read the scriptures, man, if David can fall, who can't? And so he's really warning him, hey, Timothy, just having the right doctrine doesn't make you a great pastor. And you got to have people skills. Hey, just being right doesn't make you a great leader. Just being right and having the right intentions don't make you a great leader. A great husband, a great father, or a great dad.

Chip Ingram: Being right, with the right doctrine, with the right intentions, with the emotional intelligence to know how to relate to people in a way that builds a bridge so they can hear and understand and the truth be applied so it comes as a help and a support instead of a hammer that crushes. And I think the sin that can happen when we want to help or reprove other people is our anger and our sense of self-righteousness.

Chip Ingram: And even out of deep concern, at times, I've disciplined some of my kids with an intensity as they were growing up that I had to go back and apologize. Thank God for wives, right? And see, that's what Paul is trying to help Timothy learn. And so the coaching nuggets here are, maintain these principles without bias, doing nothing in a spirit of partiality. I want you to start thinking about relationships.

Chip Ingram: Start with your wife, if you're married. Close friends, if you have children, uh, leadership in the church, relationships in a small group, um, work relationships, friendships. I want you to start thinking of God, is there anyone or anything that you need me to adjust? You need me to be more emotionally intelligent and to do it without bias. The response is, do not sharply rebuke an older man, appeal to him as a father, to younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters in all purity.

Chip Ingram: And what I can say to you is uh, doing that without bias has been a big journey for me. Powerful people intimidate us. Rich, rich people can intimidate you. People that don't look like you, who don't act like you, who don't believe like you, who vote for a different party than you, who have more tattoos than you, whose hair looks differently than you, whose color of their skin is different from you, who come from a different background than you, all those things can cause us to unconsciously have a lens or a bias because we've grown up in a world that's different than their world.

Chip Ingram: And it takes emotional intelligence, guided by the Spirit of God. You know, it goes back to, I don't know if you know Saint Francis's prayer. It's such a great prayer. He he asked God to grant me to be an agent of of your blessing to people. And then one of the great lines is, he says, "I I ask that I might seek to love rather than to be loved. To understand rather than to be understood."

Chip Ingram: And and empathy is the very first thing that we all need in every problem relationship. It changes everything. You might drop this in your notes. This has been so helpful. Everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them. And if you can realize that, then you don't demonize them and they're terrible and they're wrong and they've done this. Now, I may totally disagree, they may be wrong, but it makes sense to them.

Chip Ingram: From the information they have and the way they were brought up and their belief system and their worldview, doing X, Y, or Z really makes sense to them. If you can back that up and try to figure out why it makes sense to them and build a bridge of relationship, then there's hope. But casting grenades at one another, it's not faring too well. Here's what the coaching, I think the Lord gives us through the Apostle Paul. Here's the underlying issue, circle it if you will, wisdom.

Chip Ingram: The concept of wisdom, it's a it's a Hebrew concept. And and wisdom isn't intellect. Wisdom is skill. In fact, the the the in the Old Testament when the word is used of building the temple, he uses this word for wisdom for the guy that has the ability to do artwork and and building and Proverbs uses wisdom to say it's knowing the right thing to do in the right way for the right reason. Wisdom with knowledge and understanding and how to apply that.

Chip Ingram: What Paul's trying to say is, this is the wisdom you need in relationships. The underlying question for me and for you is am I willing to address the relational challenges in my home, work and church? I'm just going to go on record. The average man is not willing to address the relational challenges in your home. You just figure out how to deal with it. Your silo, her silo. The kids will be like that. I guess things will some other time.

Chip Ingram: I don't know any man that over sometime doesn't have conflict in communication, conflict in your sex life, conflict with in-laws, conflict with money, and I've struggled with all of them. And I can tell you that at different seasons in my life, I didn't want to face them, so I buried them. And so what you learn to do is when there's something that needs to be addressed, it's easier to turn on ESPN, it's easier to drink a couple beers, it's easier to go in the garage and get a workout.

Chip Ingram: Anything but talk about the issue that really Honey, you know what? I went away to this retreat and God spoke to me about our relationship and I've sensed over time, I'd like to talk about that. Or maybe it's a son that's grown. Maybe it's someone you haven't forgiven. Maybe it's a boss that did you in. Maybe it's someone in your small group that I've had pastors tell me, I'm watching people with 20 years of deep relationship in our church split and I mean not talk to each other.

Chip Ingram: I have families in our churches that don't younger generation and older generation are not communicating over all these secondary issues. What you need is wisdom and God will show you.

David Wroe: Stay with us. More from Chip Ingram in just a moment. This is Living on the Edge. Did you know Chip's teaching is also available on YouTube? It's a great way to go deeper or share a message with someone in your life. Just go to YouTube and search Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. You'll find complete video teaching series, life lessons with Chip, and content you won't see anywhere else. While you're there, hit subscribe so you never miss anything new. That's Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram on YouTube. Now back to today's message.

Chip Ingram: The action required is to I call it stepping into. It's of all the things that's hard, I think for us as men. It's it's stepping into relational messy stuff. If you're older, you got to ask yourself, why would my younger son who loves Jesus be so adamantly opposed to my political view of things? Ask him and seek to understand and really listen. Why wouldn't why would my father who loves God and cares about God? How in the world could he vote for so and so or support this when all these other issues are combined with it?

Chip Ingram: Ask him. I would encourage you to memorize verse one and two until it's both in your heart and in your hands of practicing. This is how I'm going to deal with older men. This is how I'm going to deal with younger men. I'm not going to be superior and I'm not going to feel inferior. This is how I'm going to view my brothers. This is how I'm going to treat. I'm going to think of the various women in my life that are that are younger as sisters in Christ.

Chip Ingram: Uh, if you're going to step into a delicate relational issue, you need to get outside help. Might be an older man, could be a pastor, might be a counselor. Just someone that, you know, you know them and whoever it is knows them and and then I would say you have to develop a plan and then a time to act. If you walk out of here going, you know, I I got to address this with one of my kids.

Chip Ingram: I need to address this with a guy that I used to work with. I need to address this with that pastor or one of the leaders of that church that we left over X, Y, or Z. Dude, write it down and say, by this date, I will address that. Good intentions accomplish nothing. And then when the emotion comes up like, oh man, I don't know how to do that, then just admit that. God, I don't know how to do that. Or are you ready for this one?

Chip Ingram: At least I'm going to just share. God, I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid to do that. I mean, what if what if this I mean, it's not good now, but it could be a lot worse, right? If you are willing, get someone who will help you develop the plan and show you how to do it. There's a book, I don't know the author. My son had me read it. It's called critical conversations. It's very short, but it really talks about how do you not put off having that conversation that are the most critical and how to do it in a positive way.

Chip Ingram: Everything from what to do, how to do it, when to do it, in what environment, and how to set it up. Super book. The unspoken need is to develop personal courage. You know, you need to be emotionally intelligent. My experience is, most of us are fairly smart enough to know what we really need to do. My observation is, we don't have the courage to do it. I can remember early on, the courage to go to marriage counseling because our marriage was in real trouble.

Chip Ingram: I just just recently I had a had a situation with someone that's really, really close to me and I didn't know how to handle it and I took, you know, I'm a pastor and I gosh, my background is in theology and psychology. I got a few tools in my bag and I I got stuck. I called a guy from Southern California, um, I said, John, I'm really stuck. Could you could you tell me as someone in my area?

Chip Ingram: He's got to be really good and really biblical because I don't want a bunch of, you know, psycho babble, but I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. He said, yeah, I got a guy. Man, man. I drove up to Milpitas area and sat down with him for an hour and had a couple three sessions on Zoom. I I got news for you. If I had a compound fracture, I wouldn't go, oh, I got this. I got this, you know.

Chip Ingram: real man can handle compound fracture. If I if I don't know how to handle something in a relationship, I'm going to go to a good doctor and ask for help. Can I encourage you, do whatever it takes. Here's how. First, know the truth. Joshua 1:9, some of you know, right? Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you, right? Wherever you go. You don't have to be afraid.

Chip Ingram: Uh, Proverbs 17:17, a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity. I've got to know the truth. God's got someone to help me with this. Living the truth is Matthew 7. And it's it's a classic passage of do not judge, lest you be judged and I want to make one point. Be careful that when you are addressing a relational challenge, that you don't sit in the position of I've got the truth and I just need to get this person to see the truth. That's a non-starter.

Chip Ingram: What you have is a perspective of the truth that is your lens that is developed over time. In fact, this was such an area of arrogance in my life that got pointed out so painfully in some of my leadership years where I had to admit where I was, it was a failure of leadership. I unconsciously thought that my perspective was the perspective. And so I started, I wrote out on a card what I have to talk to someone about, something that I think might be hard.

Chip Ingram: I literally have memorized. Here's my first line. I sensed we need to talk about something. And what I would like to share with you is this. I have a perspective. I'm not telling you it's the truth. I'm not telling you it's reality. I'm telling you it's my current perspective of the situation that I think we need to get on the table and talk about. So I need to hear because this event happened or this conversation happened and from my lens, this is the way it looks.

Chip Ingram: Help me understand if that's accurate or inaccurate. And what that does is that gives the person the chance to say, no, you don't understand. And we can disagree. But the moment, if you're going to talk to someone, you're right, they're wrong, and they need to get with the program. You might be right. But that attitude will kill any opportunity for building a bridge. And then you have to do it gently. Galatians 6:1 and 2.

Chip Ingram: Brethren, even if someone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, the idea is mature. Restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Each one looking to yourselves so that you will not be tempted. Bear one another's burdens and therefore fulfill the law of Christ. We so need each other. And then finally, uh, just hands on. Proverbs 27:17 in terms of sharing the truth. Iron sharpens iron. So one man sharpens another.

Chip Ingram: In other words, I when I've gotten around, I I have some people in my life that are really good at speaking the truth and love. And especially early on, I want people to like me so much. I was pretty good at speaking about the love, but not so much about the truth. And then as I matured a little bit, I got pretty good at speaking the truth, but not very much in love. And so what I what I found is getting around people that are good at that has helped me get better at it and get more comfortable.

Chip Ingram: And here's what I can tell you. What you really fear is going to happen that keeps you from doing it, rarely happens. On occasion it does. But it's the fear of the blowup that will keep you. Genuine, we talked about godliness. Genuine maturity, here's the mark of it. Ephesians chapter 4:11 to 13 says, "God gave gifted leaders to the church to equip the saints to do the work of ministry until we all become mature in Christ."

Chip Ingram: And then it says, "Here's the litmus test of whether you're mature in Christ. One is doctrinal and the other is relational. As a result, we're no longer to be children tossed here and there by every wind of doctrine, by craftiness and deceitful scheming." In other words, so if you're mature, you know the truth versus the lie. But speaking the truth in love, we're to grow up into all aspects into him who is the head.

Chip Ingram: And then it talks about the real goal. By that which every joint supplies according to the proper working of each individual part that causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. Redemption, restoration, reconciliation, that's what Jesus offers us in our relationships.

David Wroe: You're listening to Living on the Edge and the message titled Step Into! It's part of our current series called You Can Make Disciples, Personal Coaching from the Apostle Paul. And you can always revisit or share these messages online by going to livingontheedge.org. We'll hear some final comments from Chip in just a minute. Don't want to miss a lesson throughout the week? Subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast, and the Chip Ingram Sermon podcast has every message in full. Search for it wherever you listen.

David Wroe: As we heard today, relational courage doesn't come naturally to most of us. But Chip's book, Yes, You Really Can Change, speaks directly to where that courage comes from. One of the key things Chip addresses is the difference between living for God's approval and living from it, and how that one shift changes everything about how you show up in your relationships and your life. And because this series is about making disciples, we're including an extra copy with every purchase. Think of a friend, a family member, someone ready to take a next step in faith, but not sure how. This can be your gift to them to share the journey. Just look for the book, Yes, You Really Can Change, online at livingontheedge.org/offers.

David Wroe: We're a listener supported ministry, and what you give makes a direct difference. To join us today and help keep these Bible teachings going, give a gift of any amount online at livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. You can also mail your gift to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia 30024. Now here's Chip with some final thoughts.

Chip Ingram: As we close today's message, I want to actually read two key verses from 1 Timothy 5 that are at the heart of everything that we shared. Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, to the older women as mothers, and to the younger women as sisters in all purity. And then it goes on as we learned to talk about widows and others.

Chip Ingram: But I just want to ask you, how are you speaking to different people? Is it with kindness? Is it with sensitivity? In the message, I challenged you to step into these relationships and to memorize that passage. Are you ready? Memorize that passage. I mean, just get that in your mind where you're thinking, you know, older people and men and women and peers and younger women and other young guys, and just to really think, there's a way to talk about even controversial things that doesn't put down the person.

Chip Ingram: That respects them as a person, that shares your thoughts with dignity and understanding, not with harshness. Second, when you have a tough situation that's coming up, get some good outside counsel. And then finally, um, develop a very specific timeline to act. Here's what I want you to do. As you heard this message, two questions. Who do you need to talk to? Second question, is there anyone you need to apologize to?

Chip Ingram: It's not about being right. It's about, do you have the right attitude? And in the body of Christ, right relationships matter more than you being right. Oh God, would you bring healing about in your body? Would you help us to recognize where, even if we believe with all of our heart what we believe or what we've said is right, would you please forgive us for the way we've said it or the people that we've attacked?

Chip Ingram: And would you give us the courage and the humility to go to them today and ask them to forgive us for the way we said it. Amen.

David Wroe: Well, that brings us to the end of today's program. I'm Dave Troy, and we'll see you next time when Chip Ingram continues our study called You Were Made for More. Here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.