Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: Would you like to reduce conflict in your relationships? Fewer disagreements, less fighting, more harmony. Today, I’m going to share a principle that I learned many years ago that has saved countless friendships and working relationships and been pretty important in my marriage over the years. Stay with me, you don’t want to miss it.

Dave Druey: I’m Dave Druey, and this is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today, Chip shares one of the hardest lessons he’s ever had to learn in his own marriage and friendships—that winning an argument almost always costs you something far more valuable than being right.

As we continue our series called Caring Enough to Connect, Chip shows us how to let go of our need to be right without ever compromising what’s true. Remember, if you ever need to revisit this program at another time, just go to livingontheedge.org. Now here’s Chip with today’s message titled Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right.

Chip Ingram: I have this habit of observing people. When I go to the mall, I observe people. When I go to the park, I observe people. Last night, when Theresa and I were walking in the park and the gal with her cellphone was talking loud enough for everyone in the park to know, Theresa just blocks it out and talks to me and walks, and I’m listening to this lady’s conversation. Why I do this, I don’t know, but I have this habit of just observing people. They’re usually talking about how unfair, how insensitive, how selfish, how ungrateful, or how wrong someone else somewhere has been to them.

And you just hear conversations like this go on and on and on. My experience is that sometimes when I’m listening to people whine and complain about someone else who’s not in the room, what really bothers me is when I find that the person I’m listening to is me. I can look back over the last 30 years or so as a Christian, being a dad, being a pastor, and being a husband, that I on multiple occasions have found myself telling someone very close to me, like my wife, or one of my kids, or a close friend, about how right I am in a situation.

When you listen carefully to the conversations, what it really is about is someone is right and someone else is wrong. They didn’t get it. They didn’t see it. They didn’t understand it. They were insensitive. I was right. I did what was right. I remember early as a dad and being a little over the top, which none of you can probably imagine, but my kids all can, is things like, you’ve had a really rough day and there’s been a lot of pressure and you say, "I will pick you up in front of the high school at Door B at 4:30."

And you pull up in front of the high school in Door B at 4:30 and they are not there. Then it’s 4:35 and then it’s 4:40 and then it’s a quarter to 5:00. Then you get out of your car and you walk around, and there aren’t cellphones in those days and people don’t call them and my kids didn’t have them anyway. Pretty soon it’s 5:00 and you were supposed to be someplace else and you’re going to miss dinner and there’s a meeting after the dinner and you see your kid and he comes around the corner. What do you say? "Hi, I’ve missed you. Tell me how your day went, honey."

What do you say? "Where in the heck have you been? I’ve been in Door B." "Well, no, that’s not Door B, Dad, this is Door B." "I’ll tell you where Door B is. I’m the parent. Get in the car." "Well, Dad, we were in Door B and then we went to call to find you and you didn’t show up. You weren’t here at 4:30." "I was here right at 4:30. 4:36 is about 4:30 in my mind anyway." And it’s all about whether you were at Door B or Door A and whether it was 4:30 or 4:36, and there are emotions that occur and a breakdown in relationship that when you step back, you look at it and go, "This is insanity." But at the heart of it was all about being right.

My principle for you all that I guess if I had to get it down to seven or eight of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about relationships, number seven for me is this: that right relationships are always more important than being right. Right relationships are always more important than being right. My little disclaimer here: I’m not talking about moral issues. I’m not talking about theological issues. I’m not talking about rolling over and giving the other person their way all the time. I’m not talking about standing up for a just cause. I want a right relationship. I’m not talking about peace at any price.

I’m talking about in the normal everyday relationships with other people that you love and that you care about, and the issues aren’t whether this is theologically true or not or whether it’s morally good or bad or not. The issues are about your perspective, your circumstances, your rights, your opinion, being the way versus the other person's. Do you get that? Open if you would to Colossians chapter three. There’s a great context I want to give a little running start to this one. Colossians is a great book. It’s a parallel book to Ephesians, and it’s about how the church is supposed to live out the faith.

The first half of this book, like Ephesians, is doctrine. This is who you are in Christ. Then chapters three and four: now, this is how you live out this new life. You could use this is how to be a disciple. This is how to be a genuine follower. This is how to be that Romans 12 type Christian. In the first four verses, it’ll say it begins with your thinking. I’ve just told you all these things that are true. In the first four verses, set your mind on the things that are above, not on the things that are on earth. Then it says you’ve got to deal radically with some of your past habits and issues as you look at verse five.

It says, "Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, greed, which amounts to idolatry." That little word "consider" there really is "put to death." It’s in a tense in the grammar that means urgently put to death. Deal radically with. I wish I had time to develop all these words, but when you look at sexual immorality as that word, but impurity, passion, evil desire, even the word greed is not just financial. It’s the idea of doing everything around your own self-interest, about your rights and your position and making sure that your way gets the way.

And what he’s saying is that’s how you lived before you knew Christ. He says you’ve got to put to death that stuff. Then he’ll go on and say don’t lie to one another anymore. Then he’ll talk about this renewing that has occurred out of the new birth and this renewal of a new knowledge and this new person you are in Christ. Then he gets on the solution side by verse 12. In verse 12, then he says, "So then, in light of this brand new person who you are, in light of this new position that you have, in light of these radical steps you’ve taken by God’s grace to put to death those old patterns that ruin relationships and separated you from God and bring God’s wrath."

As a new born again person with a new mind and the spirit of God living in you, so then, here’s how to do relationships. He says, "As those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone." That’s pretty broad, isn’t it? "Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things that I’ve listed—compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another—put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity."

Then he’s going to go on and talk about some specific internal devices that God has given us about how to regulate how relationships are going, about the peace in our life. What I’d like to do is take just a moment and have you circle the first three words. I think these are the key to practicing the principle that right relationships are more important than being right. So as those who have been—circle the word chosen, circle the word holy, and circle the word beloved. If you miss those, you can’t do those commands.

At the heart of it, whether it’s with my wife, my kids, a fellow employee, a Little League game, a pickup basketball game, an issue over a parking spot at the mall, an argument with someone in a business deal, when I start to fight and when you start to fight and relationships break down, usually my significance, my acceptance, or my security gets attacked. Either I feel like you’re dissing me, or I think it’s unfair, or I think I’m getting a raw deal, or you don’t respect me, or what you’re doing is something that’s going to really injure me, and so I have to stand up for my rights.

And isn’t it interesting he says, "So as those who have been chosen of God." How much more significant could you be? We don’t do relationships out of "I need to be significant in someone else’s eyes." We do relationships out of this sense that all the people in the world, God chose me. God chose you. He loves you. If there were ball teams lined up, he would point to you and say, "I want you on my team." And so you are significant. That’s not something we’ve got to get out there and prove.

The second notice: chosen of God and holy. What makes us unacceptable is our imperfections. But he’s already told us that because of what Christ did on the cross and his blood shed for us and our being united with him by faith, we died with him, we’ve been raised with him, and our position before God is he sees us even as he sees Jesus. We’re holy. We’re set apart. What’s that mean? It means you’re accepted. It means there aren’t flaws. It means that in God’s eyes at this moment, you’re seated with him in the heavenly places. You matter, you’re significant, you’re holy, you’re accepted.

Dave Druey: You’re listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Just a quick reminder before we get back to today’s message, did you know you can take Chip’s teaching with you everywhere you go? The Chip Ingram app puts hundreds of messages, reading plans, and daily encouragement right in your pocket anytime you need it. It’s free to download wherever you get your apps. And for even more resources, visit us online at livingontheedge.org. Now back to today’s lesson.

Chip Ingram: Then notice I like this, it says beloved, or the idea is you’re dearly loved. You’re accepted. Do I want everyone to accept me? Of course, and so do you. But what happens is when a roommate, or a wife, or a business associate, or someone on a Little League field, or someone in line, or a parking space, when someone cuts in front of you, all those things threaten our security and that I am more important, and what’s being violated is personal rights.

And what the apostle Paul is saying is right relationships really do matter more than being right. But the only way you can live that way is if you know you’re chosen by God, you are holy, and you’re dearly loved. Now out of what you’ve already received, now he’s going to talk very specifically about how do you treat people? He says put on a heart of compassion. That’s that interesting word where you actually feel what other people feel to the point of action. The word is "splachna." It was used every time Jesus had compassion in the New Testament. It was a feeling deep in the bowels of a person for the needs of another person that leads you to action.

Compassion is not empathy. Empathy is you see someone and you go, "Man, I really feel bad for them." Compassion is I feel bad to the point that I’m going to do something to alleviate that situation. Notice where he says put on a heart. If you read this passage carefully, 12 through 17, the word heart is repeated three times. This isn’t just about some external discipline of behavior that you work up to act compassionately. This is about something that comes out of who you are because the spirit of God is producing this in you.

And so put on compassion. You feel, you think, "I wonder what that guy went through. I wonder why someone would be that upset over a game with five or eight or ten-year-old kids. I wonder why my kids are so upset about this or why I am." Put on a heart of compassion. Kindness is just that word for something that’s beautiful and winsome. You want to do nice things for people, kind of unexplainable. You just come back to the office and you bring an extra cup of coffee and you give it to someone. You jot a note for no reason that says thinking of you, love you, prayed for you today.

You put a check in the mail to someone or some cash in an envelope for someone that’s struggling and say, "You know what, it’s been hard. Why don’t you take your wife or roommate or whoever out to dinner? I just want to bless you." That’s what kindness is. Kindness is just doing nice things for people to express concern. Humility is putting the needs of others ahead of yourself. By the way, that was not a virtue in the ancient world. When this was written, humility wasn’t looked at as a good thing. This was like humility, why would anyone do? It was the idea: I’m bigger, I’m better, I can knock you down. That’s what you ought to do.

And here you have this teaching that actually revolutionized the world that said consider others as more important than yourself. Don’t ask, "Do I have my rights?" Ask, "How could I put the needs of someone else ahead of me?" This is a radical way to do relationships. Then the word gentleness here is that same word in the old King James, remember I memorized this in the old King James in Matthew 11 where Jesus says, "For I am meek and lowly of heart." That word "meek" is gentle.

In the ancient Greek literature, it was used of a wild stallion. Meek is not weak. It’s a wild stallion that has been trained with a bit in its mouth that takes that power under control. And so it’s not that you don’t have the power to exert your rights. It’s not that you can’t power up on someone and say to them, "Hey, hey, that’s my parking spot and that’s the way it is." It’s that you say to yourself, "I have the power and I have the rights, and I even have the position in this situation or in this company or in this work, but you know what, I’m going to step back and I don’t have to exert my rights here."

I’m going to put on a heart of compassion and kindness. I’m going to put their needs ahead of my own. In this certain situation, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to allow my rights to be under control to meet the need of someone else. I’m going to be considerate. The next word there he says patience is just a combination of "macro," long, and something that heats up, and it’s the idea of just putting up with junk. It’s just you have a really long fuse. That’s what patience is.

That person irritates me. Without patience, they irritate you once and you say, "I’m going to let that go." Irritate you twice, you do that again. Patience is long suffering. In case you didn’t understand what he really meant and how specific he wanted to be, after the word patience, he says, "Bearing with one another." This is actually the faults and idiosyncrasies of people. This is saying, "The way they chew their gum in my ear every time we’re talking, it makes me cringe. Every time when they take their silver and they do it like this at the table right before they cut their meat, I just want to take a knife and throw it across the room. Every time they make the same lame excuse..."

This is looking at the idiosyncrasies of people that make you crazy, and it says bear up with them. You put up with it. Then it goes beyond that and says forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone. How would you like to work at a place or how would you like to be in a family where there was a commitment by supernatural power that people said, "You know what, I’m going to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, and I’m going to bear up"? Because the fact of the matter is all those people have those idiosyncrasies that make you crazy.

Can I let you in on a secret? You have those little idiosyncrasies that make them crazy, right? And notice honestly then it’s not just that you keep them under wraps. He says forgiving them. The word means to release, means to let go. You forgive them. At the heart of a lack of forgiveness is vengeance or payback. The heart motive behind not forgiving another person is they did this to me. They took the credit for that project at work. They put their kid in the lineup ahead of mine, and my kid’s batting .666 and his kid has not gotten a hit all year, and I want to pay them back.

And so I’m going to say things very discreetly, because Christians have to be discreet when we try and really mess up other people. But forgiving is you release and you forgive them. Notice the motivation: just as God has forgiven you. I think forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in the Christian life. I could be wrong. I mean when you’ve really been wounded, when it really is selfish, when it really is unjust, when someone has really done something bad to you. And what do you want? You want what I want. I want justice.

I don’t think anything makes me more unfair. I want justice for my kids. I want justice for my wife. I want justice for Christians. I want justice for what’s right, and I want justice for me. Except for when it comes to how I want God to deal with me, right? She walked out on her husband. He walked out. He’s not paying his alimony. That’s an ungrateful kid. They took credit for that. They used our idea and then they copyrighted it before we could get it. That is wrong. We’re going to sue their pants off. Justice, justice, justice.

And yet the fact of the matter is the command is God wants me relationally to extend to others what has been extended to me. I will tell you that the older I get, the more I see what’s in my heart, the more I get so overwhelmed. God, I don’t want justice, please. God, if you give me justice, oh my. I see things in my heart and I even can look back and think 20 years ago I thought my motives were right, but looking back now, you were just one arrogant idiot. And I don’t want God to deal with me that way.

And it has been the most profound motivation in my life to say, "Lord, I am willing to let go of my vengeance and lack of forgiveness and extend mercy because I certainly do not want you to treat me the way that I want them to be treated." And notice here just whoever has a complaint against anyone. If that’s not enough, those are pretty strong words to justify the principle that right relationships are more important than being right. And I will say you’ve grown up in a world, by the way—American culture—your rights are what matter. You have a right to that. You deserve a break today. That’s your place in line. Don’t let anybody. You’ve been brainwashed to believe that you are so the center of the universe that you better defend your rights. And so our knee-jerk reaction to almost any relational conflict is to exert our personal rights.

Dave Druey: You’re listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right. Chip will continue the lesson next time, but if you’ve missed any part of today’s program, be sure to catch up when you can online at livingontheedge.org. And if you learn better by watching, check out the Living on the Edge YouTube channel. Every week you can watch Chip teach on video on your own schedule covering marriage, parenting, leadership, and more. Just search Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram on YouTube and hit subscribe.

Well, if today’s principle is hardest to live out anywhere, it’s with the people you disagree with most on politics, faith, or the hot button issues of the day. Not Beyond Reach, the book by Aaron Pierce, devotes a whole chapter to exactly that—navigating politics, sexuality, science, and other divisive subjects with grace, without backing off the truth. It’s an incredibly practical and spiritually sound resource, and you can get a copy of Not Beyond Reach at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offers.

And if you give regularly to support Living on the Edge, thank you. It’s because of you that messages like today’s are reaching people right when they need them. If you’re listening today and you’ve never given to this ministry before, now’s a good time to start. We’ve made it quick and easy to partner with us by going online to livingontheedge.org or give us a call at 888-333-6003. You can also send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Suwanee, Georgia 30024. Now here’s Chip.

Chip Ingram: As we close today’s program, I have to admit this principle has been one of the hardest for me. We all have different personalities, but some of us have what I call a justice gene. In other words: what’s fair, what’s right, the facts. When I’m right and these are my rights, I mean I’m the guy that if I’m in the car and you go up the right lane outside of everyone and then you want to get in and I’ve waited in line, I’m not a happy camper. Everything in me is like, "Hey, look, buddy."

And instead of thinking the best possible explanation, or honestly it happens more in my marriage, and Theresa and I will be talking about something and she’ll say, "Oh yeah, remember in July when this happened?" I’m thinking, "No, no, it wasn’t July, it was June." And it didn’t happen at this city, it wasn’t in July and it wasn’t in that city. And so I’ll say something like, "Well, honey, it was actually in June and it was with these people instead of those people." And I’m hoping you’re laughing at this point.

And we’re now going back and forth. "Honey, it was June." "It was July." "It was June." "It was July." "It was with Bob." "No, it was with Mary." And all of a sudden you have these emotions and I’m sitting there thinking, "Chip, you idiot, who cares?" The right relationship is way more important than being right. And when you learn to practice that in little things—to actually—are you ready for this? Some of my most holy moments have been when my wife has said something, and whether I’m right or not, I’m convinced in my mind what she’s saying about a detail is absolutely wrong.

And instead of confronting, instead of saying, "No, no, you’re wrong. What about this? What about that?" and wanting her to know that I remember better or whatever, my most holy moments are when I think, "This really doesn’t matter. Keep your mouth shut, just listen." And you know what, you being right or your remembrance of that situation being the official way it happened is really not very important. Now obviously when it comes to a doctrine or a moral issue, I’m not saying that we just stay quiet.

But what if we right now, this moment today as we listen and talk with people, could just catch ourselves when we have to be right and just let that go and think: what would really make this relationship better rather than what would make me look better? Tell you what, let’s go into training on that one and see what God will do. Join us again next time as we continue this series Caring Enough to Connect here on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Dave Druey: Today’s program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.