Focus on the Family

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Gary Rossberg: I will pray that he would be a man that would be quick to say he is sorry and he would be quick to say he's wrong. Because when a wife hears that, oh, is he a safe man! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

John Fuller: Barb and Gary Rossberg are our guests today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thank you for joining us.

Jim Daly: John, we're featuring a message from our dear friends Dr. Gary Rossberg and his wife Barb. They are a very dynamic couple who speak all around the world to help marriages thrive. Today, we're sharing a lighthearted workshop on spiritual intimacy that they gave at a marriage event sponsored by Focus on the Family South Africa.

Many people may not know that we have offices around the world, and that's one of them. Gary and Barb Rossberg are authors, broadcasters, and the co-founders of America's Family Coaches, coaching marriages for almost 40 years. They have two daughters and, to their delight, I'm sure, a dozen grandchildren. What a legacy! And here now, Gary and Barb Rossberg on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Gary Rossberg: Let's shift, Barb, to celebrating love spiritually. We want to just make sure that we highlight some of these issues because this is important. Takeaway number one is: what's the ultimate source of connection? It's a relationship of three. When a husband and a wife are walking with Jesus Christ and experiencing that intimacy.

I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I met Barb on a blind date. She had just accepted Jesus. A guy had just come to the place I was living, a fraternity house in Iowa, and told me about Jesus. For five months, I tried to disprove the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Anybody else kind of like me? It was like I couldn't believe that God loved me that much that he sent a son to die for me. I just couldn't believe it.

So for five months, I studied and I rejected and I would go to this guy's house and I would pace his house. Then one night in 1973, I was dating this young gal. I had asked Barb to consider marriage and she said, "I could never marry you. I'm marrying a Christian man." I thought, "Loser right here," because I thought I'm not a Christian man.

But women, I want to tell you something. Barb had the courage to say no to me because she loved somebody more than she loved me, and that was Jesus Christ. That's a godly woman. She's a brand-new Christian, but she knew that she desired to have a Christian marriage.

So one night in 1973, I went and climbed on top of a big rock pile in a parking lot because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Have you ever been there? You're just fed up with yourself. You're fed up with trying to fix it. You're fed up with trying to manipulate your way through life, and you're frustrated and you're out of control.

I picked up a rock. In fact, I picked up this rock right here from 1973. I remember hanging on to this thing and I just said, "Dear Lord God, I don't know why you would send your son to die for me. I'm arrogant, I'm prideful, I'm out every night getting hammered, I'm just a mess. I've met this cute little gal and I want what she has, but I know it's going to cause me to surrender, and I don't want to surrender because I want to just control everything. But I am worn out."

I remember that night, I just said, "If I receive you as my Lord and Savior tonight, I'm going to hang on to this rock, not as an idol but just as a memory. I'm showing it to you tonight. But if I reject you, I'm going to throw this thing as hard and far as I can." I'll never forget as long as I live. Then I just bowed my head, and here's what I said. "Dear Lord God, I love you. I confess that I've broken your heart. I confess that I've sinned against you. Would you forgive me and become my Lord and Savior? Come into my heart and make me the kind of man you want me to be."

I got all done. I went to a pay telephone and I called Barb. I said, "Meet me on the street. I've got to tell you something." She met me halfway and I remember, Barb, you looked at me and you said, "You just received Christ as your Savior." I remember thinking, "How does she know that?" I mean, it was just kind of strange. But you know what, folks? I've never looked back.

Now, here's the scoop. We're going to take a moment. Out of 750 people in this room, there may be one person that came tonight and you're in a marriage. You're trying to make this marriage work, but you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm going to give you the opportunity right now, right in your seat. You don't have to walk an aisle, you don't have to bow a head, you don't have to sit a certain way. God doesn't care about any of that. He cares about your heart. He cares about your heart. If you're like Gary Rossberg, you're given to a hard heart.

So I'm just going to pray. If you desire to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, I promise you the rest of this evening will make sense. Just pray after me, okay? And for the rest of you that know Christ, you might just pray for the people in the room. Sound like a good idea? Let me just pray. Father, I confess that I've sinned against heaven and against you. If that's your desire, just pray that right now.

Father, I ask you to forgive me of my sins and to come into my heart and to become my Lord and Savior. Would you please forgive me? Would you fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit and make me the kind of woman, the kind of man that you have created me to be? Thank you. Amen.

If you prayed that tonight, I would just ask you to let one of these Focus on the Family staff know, because that would be a great encouragement to us. Because folks, if it's not a relationship of three—all these years of counseling people, before I was a counselor, I ran a prison for seven years. I'm 58 years old, so for the last 35 years, all I've done is work below the waterline of life with reality of broken hearts.

Hard heads, hard hearts, and what happens when you're broken. The unbelievable work that Jesus Christ can do in your heart when you are broken. It's your brokenness that equips you for the calling that he has upon you. So as we talk for the last few minutes, we want to talk about spiritual intimacy. Barb, one of the most significant areas is the area of prayer.

Barb Rossberg: It is. It's so very important, and I want you to step in and talk with me about that right now. You lead and I'll follow.

Gary Rossberg: Well, the first time I prayed with Barb, I just became a Christian. Again, it was 1973. She said, "Let's go to a Bible study." I'd never been to a Bible study. So she took me to this Bible study. At the end of the Bible study, one of the girls said, "Let's pray." I'm looking for the pastor because I thought there had to be a pastor in the room to pray. Anybody with me?

All of a sudden, this girl bowed her head and she started praying. We were sitting in a circle. Then a boy started praying, then another boy, then another girl, another boy. You're supposed to close your eyes, I think, but my eyes are wide open because I'm thinking, "I'm not praying. I'm not praying. I'm not praying." It's like the Holy Spirit jumped right over me and I thought, "Phew!"

We walked out. I said, "I'm never going back to that deal." She goes, "Why?" I said, "They were praying out loud." She goes, "Well, Gary, just talk to God." I said, "I don't know how to do that, Barb. This is brand new to me." So we sat down on this bench, and we've taken our kids there. It was a parking thing, it was a telephone pole.

She said, "Gary, just talk to God." I remember I took your hand, Barb, just like I'm doing right now. I just said, "Dear Lord, I want to know you like Barb knows you. Amen." I looked up, she had a little tear in her eye and she leaned over and kissed me. I thought, "Pray, kiss. Pray, kiss." I started to go to prayer conferences! I thought, "This is awesome!"

Now, here's the scoop. You have been told all your married life to pray together, but here's what I know about men. Whether it's South Africa or South Iowa, it's hard for guys to initiate prayer. So we're going to coach you on how to do that, okay? This is called conversational prayer. You guys have been married six years, okay? So next time I come up to South Africa, I'm going to ask if you got it down. Two days, stay still in here, or they go home early? Hand went right up, okay. All right, brother, I'm going to show you how to do this. If you can get this in two days or 50 years or six years, it'll change your marriage. All right. So Barb, let's show them conversational prayer. Father, I thank you for my bride that said yes.

Barb Rossberg: Father, I am so thankful that South Africa invited us to come.

Gary Rossberg: God, thank you for these great people that took a night to gather around a couple of people they had no idea who they were, but they know who you are.

Barb Rossberg: Father, I just thank you for every family represented in this room, whether it's a couple or it's a family, and we just pray for them, Father.

Gary Rossberg: God, we pray that you change this nation, but first you change the hearts of each one of us.

Barb Rossberg: And I would ask that you would absolutely change something in every woman and something in every man.

Gary Rossberg: We're crazy about you. We love you, Jesus. Amen.

Amen. And that's called conversational prayer. Now, what's it like? It's like taking on a cowboy boot and you wiggle into it. Or ladies, have you ever wiggled into your jeans? Barb says, "Don't say that to women!" All right, I'm leaving so you'll never see me. But anyway, it's like this. So men, it's not preaching a sermon during the prayer. You don't have to have three points.

And women, it's not your to-do list. "Dear Lord, I hope my husband buys me a new dress and paints the house." Okay, that's not the deal either. It's conversational prayer. It's just a sentence and a sentence and a sentence. Then you're all done and then just kind of look at each other and go into other rooms before you have a fight or something, okay?

Now, I'm going to ask you a question. How many of you think you can do what we just showed you to do? Raise your hands. Look at these hands around this room. If that happened in Cape Town, South Africa, it would revolutionize this country. I promise you, you start to pray together. Don't get legalistic. Don't get weird. Wives, don't sit at the door and go, "Are we going to pray? Are we going to pray? Are we going to pray?" Don't do that.

But just begin. Guys, initiate it. Gals, initiate it. Guys, I promise you, you find this chair and you sit down with your wife and say, "Hey, sweetheart, we're just going to sit down. Let's just do that conversational prayer. It'll just take a moment." You'll begin to take down that wall that's dividing you.

Barb Rossberg: And I'd like to add something that's a little off the notes. It was about a year ago, and we had been working, working, working, working, working, and I was exhausted. Gary and I were just a little bit, we'd call it locking horns or just a little bit, there was something under us. There's something we couldn't break through.

So I grabbed this women's magazine and it said on the top, "There's an article how to break through communication." I was sitting in our kitchen in our two chairs and I opened the magazine and I started to read it. You will not believe this. I had written the article two years before, and there was my picture!

I read it, and it was taken out of the book *Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage*. There were four takeaways, and within it was one element we're supposed to pray. Usually, when we get in conflict, we have written about taking a moment and going before the Lord and talking. Well, I'm telling you, we were just not getting to the bottom of this.

It hit me and I thought, "Here is God's word and it works because we literally write from what works in God's word." I called Gary in the kitchen. I said, "We're going to break through this, but there's something that is at the core of this that is so spiritual we're going to change it around." We sat down in those two chairs. We held hands together. We held hands. Just like I wrote about.

But we took it out of order. Together, we prayed before we talked. I am telling you, there are times that only through praying together can you bust it. We broke through it, and I don't even know what it was about. Isn't that how it goes?

Gary Rossberg: I do.

Barb Rossberg: Stinker! No, I really don't. But anyway, prayer is so important. Another thing we want to talk about is this: daily time in the word. It's not like you have to. It's not like you have to put it on you, and it's certainly not something that needs to be on a list to do over you. Why do I choose to be in the word every day?

Because it changes me. Because it is as a shower in my spirit when I read the word. It is as though I am in this intimate relationship with the King of kings and Lord of lords. If you have forgotten about how great he is, then you just take a hike on up or take that little car on up to the top of Table Mountain, and you look over your beautiful Indian Ocean and you capture the mountains that God has given to you and remind yourself that the whole world is in his hands.

When you utter a prayer or when you have a cry in your heart and you've got one of those "Help me, God" moments, he is listening. He has an answer. It may not happen this day, but it's going to happen and it's going to happen at the best timing possible. It's when we are in that word we are reminded through the Psalms how mighty our God is.

He is a fortress in time of need. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. He who abideth—we're in that holy place, that sacred place, that dwelling place where no one and no thing can harm us. It is when we are in that place and there might be something in the spirit that is trying to come between you and divide you, you stand up and you say, "No!" because of the authority of Jesus Christ, because what he did for us on that cross.

He paid it. You're done. You're paid in full. You don't have to do anything. But when you have the privilege of reading that word, your life is changed. Your thoughts are changed. We are the only ones that have been made in the image of God forever. That means we can have the mind of Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit. Be in the word every single day.

John Fuller: You're listening to Barb and Gary Rossberg on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and we'd highly recommend their devotional book for couples. It's called *Renewing Your Love*, and we'll send that to you when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of Focus on the Family. We're also going to include a free audio download of their entire presentation. So donate today at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY.

Let's return now to the Rossbergs. In the coming moments, Barb will demonstrate how she prays for Gary as she's making the bed each morning, and there's actually a bed on stage in the background there in Cape Town, South Africa.

Gary Rossberg: We're going to show you a takeaway that we think can revolutionize some marriages in this room. That's why we have this bed in this room. Barb, I want you to just show these men and women what you do each morning in order to guard the marriage bed as we move towards this.

Barb Rossberg: That takeaway says this: when we spiritually connect, when we give our whole selves to one another, we are taking back what Gary said, taking back from the enemy what he has tried to steal: the sanctity of the marriage bed. We go back to that original verse in the word of God, which is so amazing.

In Hebrews 13:4, marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure. I told you a few minutes ago I was going to give you a tool, ladies, that is so powerful that will rock your world if you do it. There is great power in prayer. So I decided we're going to make this marriage bed holy and good.

Every morning, we all want to have an appointment with God to pray for our wives and pray for our husbands. But every day, I wake up and it's the funniest thing: the bed needs to be made. Isn't that amazing? So this is where I have my appointment with God. If you were in my home, you would overhear something like this.

I always start with Gary's pillow because this is where his brain has been laying on that pillow at night. I will say, "You know what, Lord Jesus? You know those women that he has seen in the mall, on television, in the commercials? In the name and the blood of Jesus Christ, I am asking for a divine delete. I would ask that you would just delete anything visual, anything in his thoughts, anything his ears have heard that was not my voice.

"I would pray that if there is any voice building him up that wasn't mine, if there is any voice sweet-talking this man that was not my voice, if there is anybody that thinks they could even come near this marriage, because of the blood of Jesus Christ, I am praying for this man and my husband. Lord, I thank you. As I am making this bed, I will pray." I just walk down this bed. I'll say, "Lord Father, I would ask that you would give this man your heart. A heart that is guarded. A heart and a mind that is guarded through the power of Jesus Christ.

"Will you guard his heart? Because out of his heart will flow his life story. Lord Jesus, I ask that when he puts on his belt today, Lord, he will remember to put the belt of truth around his waist. I would pray that just that time he spent in the word, sitting in the chair in the kitchen as he has had his coffee and read some Psalms this morning, that he will be reminded of these life-transforming thoughts that come down today and make him even a better man, a better businessman, a better man that chooses to have great and clean relationships.

"Father, I would pray for these legs, and I would pray that they would be legs that would run to shed the Gospel of peace. I would pray that he would be a man that would be quick to say he is sorry and he would be quick to say he's wrong. Because when a wife hears that, oh, is he a safe man! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I pray for those feet of his, that they will walk truly on the path of God.

"I pray that he will not step to the left and he will not step to the right, but he will hear a voice behind him saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' And I pray for myself. Oh boy, do I have a list to pray then! You know, there are times that we can be so blinded to our own needs, blinded to our own mistakes, blinded to those things that we have said that have hurt others.

"I pray for myself often. Lord, help me to have not only a sensitive heart, but help me always want to keep it clean. Lord, I pray that when I lay my head down at the pillow at night and I rest my head on that pillow, that I haven't got any relationship damage that's on my mind. If there's anything I need to clean up, help me to have the feet that will run to clean it up. Run to go make the phone call.

"Run to go say to my kids, 'I am so sorry. You didn't need a boss; you needed a mom to listen.' Your kids need you to say I'm sorry. Your friends love it when you say you're sorry. You know, it's amazing to me if we want great relationships, we've got a great God. If you've ever had a moment with God where he has spoken into your heart and shown you something that wasn't right, it's so full of grace.

"And you're sitting there going, 'Tell me more, tell me more. I just want to be clean.' It is beautiful. And I will pray, Lord, you know that spirit of condemnation that I deal with so often? You know some of those things that maybe I heard when I was a kid, or maybe those thoughts that the enemy wants to say to me?

"I will pray in the name of Jesus that I will think as Jesus thinks and I will have ears that only hear his voice and I will have the knowledge to know the difference between the seduction voice of the enemy and the true voice of God. Every day, I pray over our marriage bed. Every day, the reason that we experience the goodness of God and the greatness of God, if there is anything good going on in our lives, it is because of him.

"You may experience fear. You may be going through fiery trials. It says that is normal in the word. When we are in those places, let me remind you that in the book of Ecclesiastes, it says there are seasons that we go through. Any one of us married more than a handful of years can tell you this: that life is full of seasons.

"There are times that we're building our careers. There are times we're building our families. There are times that we go through very, very hard times. But in every season, we have the power of Jesus Christ to take us through. It is in those times that we are weakest he is made strongest.

"It is in those times that I have found when I thought I can't even get out of bed in the morning, I can't lift my head off the pillow, I will hear the music in my ears and in my heart, singing the song that I can do all things. I can only do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

Gary Rossberg: And some of you are sitting back saying, "Gary and Barb, we have been hurt, we have hurt one another, and we don't know if we can do conversational prayer. We don't know if at the end of the day we want to learn how to connect and affirm one another." See, many of you did not grow up in families where you were taught how to forgive.

In fact, the vast majority—we won't have you raise your hands here—but the vast majority of people when we ask them, "How many of you saw your moms and dads exercise forgiveness?" very rarely do many hands go up. But then we say, 10, 15, 20 years from now, if your kids come to one of these events and we ask your kids, "Do you want their hands to shoot up and say, 'You know what, we saw our mom and dad learn how to do it'?"

And that's you. For many of you, you will be the first chain in the link of restoring the generations to build up your marriages. Everybody stand, please, as I close this. Father, we stand in affirmation of the truth of Jesus Christ. Father, as men and women, measly men and women, every one of us woke up this morning, put on our pants the same way, whether we're on this platform or sitting in the chairs, we're no different.

Father, we have need. We are needy, needy people. None of us got this figured out. If we think we got it figured out, we're the most foolish of all. Father, you fill us with the power of the Holy Spirit. If we seek you, you have promised that you will come into our heart. We don't have to do marriage alone. God, we claim those truths and Father, we stand in unity tonight.

We are locking arms in unity, crossing denominations, crossing races, crossing economic backgrounds, crossing what part of town our church is in. What we're saying is the body of Jesus Christ is standing tall tonight. Father, we are standing in courage and we are telling Satan, "You go back to hell. You got no place in our family." We give you the glory, the honor, and the precious name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. Amen. Amen.

John Fuller: Well, what an appropriate end to today's presentation from Gary and Barb Rossberg on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Jim Daly: Wasn't that great? The Rossbergs gave that presentation in several cities across South Africa. We want to tip our hat to the director there in South Africa, Graham Schnall, for making it happen along with a great team in South Africa. Well done.

You know, when we say that Focus is having an impact around the world, that's not just rhetoric, not big talk. Back in the '90s, I had the privilege of traveling to dozens of countries to help plant Focus on the Family offices. Now, we are pleased to say, proud to say on behalf of the Lord, that we're reaching almost 18 million listeners in almost 100 countries. That just goes to the credit of our Savior and the donors that have allowed to make that happen.

John Fuller: Yeah, God has been so gracious.

Jim Daly: So true. I'd like to encourage you to be a part of the ministry by becoming a monthly donor. Those small, consistent gifts really help us stay on an even keel. When you make a monthly pledge of any amount, we'll send you a wonderful book from the Rossbergs called *Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples*.

If you can't make a monthly pledge, we'd be happy to send you the book for a one-time donation of any amount. When you visit our website, look for a free PDF called *Praying for Your Spouse from Head to Toe* so that you can emulate the prayer that Barb modeled for us today.

You know, praying for your spouse is a great way to bring healing to your marriage. If you need to talk to someone about what's going on in your relationship, I hope you'll call us. We do count it a privilege to pray with you and to hopefully give you some direction, advice, and maybe some other resources to help you in your marriage. Again, we'd be honored to help you in that way.

Let me remind you that our Hope Restored Intensives are literally saving marriages from coast to coast. Many couples say that they feel like they received a year's worth of counseling in just four days. Best of all, scholarships are available for those who need some financial assistance. So if your marriage is in trouble, please reach out to us.

John Fuller: Yeah, and as you know, Jim, Dena and I weren't in trouble-trouble, but we were sure distant. We had some bad patterns going on, and we attended a Hope Restored Intensive and it was fantastic. Even today, we still use what we learned all those years ago.

So please, get in touch with us today. Ask about Hope Restored. Take advantage of the resources we have for you here. It starts with a phone call: 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. Or we've got details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. When you're online with us, be sure to look for that free article called *Praying for Your Spouse from Head to Toe*.

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.