The Repair Myth
February 20, 2020
00:00
Have you ever made a decision and discovered it wasn’t everything you hoped?
It is so easy to insert unrealistic hopes into our decisions and then experience disappointment. I keep hearing disappointment from parents in blended families because they thought marriage would repair or restore everybody’s losses. Well, it doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean marriage was the wrong decision. You just had misguided hope within the decision. A stepfamily is not a repaired first family; it’s a different family with its own challenges and rewards. Stress is not evidence of failure.
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Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.
Archives
What do you do when your love associations differ?
In our book Building Love Together in Blended Families, Dr. Gary Chapman and I discuss how blended family love associations—meaning, the qualities or behaviors we associate with love—can be different on day one in a stepfamily. A stepchild may love their stepparent, but not respect their authority. A stepparent may love the children the same, but still find it awkward to hug their stepchild. When love associations collide, you get conflict. Recognize it takes time to merge definitions of love.
February 19, 2020
You know, life can be complicated. So, sometimes, we just need to dumb it down a little.
Dr. H Norman Wright is one of the most prolific Christian authors on the subjects of marriage, parenting, and family. He’s also been a personal mentor to me. In one daily dose of relationship wisdom he offers 20 simple words for stronger relationships. “Thank you.” “I was wrong, you were right.” “I am sorry.” “I love you.” “I forgive you,” and “Please forgive me.” No, words like these don’t fix everything. But they sure keep your heart in the right place. And that’s a good start.
February 18, 2020
Sometimes grandparents have a lot of wisdom.
My late grandmother's recipe for a Happy Marriage. 1 cup consideration and courtesy. 2 cups praise. 2 cups human kindness. 1 reasonable budget. 1 cup contentment. 1 cup blindness to the other’s faults. Flavor with frequent portions of recreation. Stir thoroughly and remove any specks of jealousy, temper, or criticism. Sweeten with lots of love; and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with a cold shoulder or hot tongue. And finally, add in 1 gallon faith in God and each other.
February 17, 2020
Relationship choices can be life or death.
On a FamilyLife Blended podcast author John Trent shared the Hebrew word for “life” carries the idea of movement. Moving toward the other person gives them and your relationship life. The Hebrew word for death means “to depart, step away.” When we emotionally move away from someone we bring a little death to the relationship. It's easy to move toward someone emotionally when you feel connected, but doing so when you feel hurt is tough. Don't add death to the equation. Instead, choose life.
February 14, 2020
How do you form a loving relationship with someone who isn’t motivated to love you?
That’s one blended family challenge discussed by Dr. Gary Chapman and me in our book Building Love Together in Blended Families. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes everyone in a stepfamily is equally motivated toward loving like family, but not always. Parents are generally very motivated, but kids vary. If you’re a highly motivated person you can draw inspiration from God—who loves everyone despite many being distracted or unmotivated to love him. There are no guarantees. Just keep loving.
February 13, 2020
Just imagine…being away from your children for 6 months?
Your daughter’s recital is coming up; your son is getting braces and he’s anxious about it; there’s conflict in your home…and then you get the news. Your job is sending you out of town for six months. That’s the kind of stress military personnel face all the time. The stress is compounded in military stepfamilies when the biological parent is the one deployed. The Military Ready Stepfamily comes alongside families and helps them prepare. If you know a military stepfamily, tell them about it.
February 12, 2020
When others cut down, you lift up.
1 Peter 3:9 tells us not to retaliate or have a sharp tongue, but to “bless others.” In our culture today people think their highest calling is to stand against someone publically and make them look bad. But how does criticism and judgment influence someone’s heart? Instead, move toward people in understanding and compassion; that adds life to them. This applies everywhere. We are called first to bless. Only then is there room for correction or instruction, and not until. First, be a blessing.
February 11, 2020
Believe it or not, sometimes it’s best not to love best.
The Five Love Languages taught us how to best love family and friends by knowing their primary love language. Here’s added wisdom from Dr. Gary Chapman and my book Building Love Together in Blended Families: Just because a stepparent knows a child’s primary language doesn’t mean it will be well received. Begin with Acts of Service, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation, then Quality Time and Physical Touch. Progress from the least intrusive language to the most intimate and watch love come alive.
February 10, 2020
How do you prepare your family for military deployment?
Deployment is tough on marriages and families. Stepparents may be left caring for children without the legal authority to do so; custody arrangements may be challenged while a parent is deployed, and new stepparents can be left not knowing how to parent children according to the biological parent’s wishes. So, how do you prepare? Our friends at The Military Ready Stepfamily, offer seminars and training for military stepfamilies and for chaplains. You’re defending us. And we’re defending you.
February 7, 2020
We love our kids. But we don’t always like them.
In his book, The Blessing, Dr. John Trent says it’s our job to be a blessing to others. Well, how do you give a blessing when you’re afraid it will condone a child’s misbehavior? Consider the alternative: not sharing how much you value your child is never going to encourage them to make different choices. They have to know they are loved even when you set a boundary or disapprove of their behavior. Especially when you disapprove of their behavior! Love and boundaries are best served together.
February 6, 2020
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Featured Offer
Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.