The No Threat Message
April 9, 2020
00:00
How do you let stepchildren know you’re not trying to take their parent’s place?
The answer to this question is important because a child who thinks you’re trying to take their parent’s place will likely work hard to prevent you from doing so. So, just tell them and tell the biological parent, too. A stepmom might say to the Mom: “I want you to know, that I know, you’re the mom, not me. My job is to bless your kids, not get in the way.” Doing this lowers the child’s and the parent’s sense of threat and their need to oppose the stepparent. It invites cooperation.
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Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.
Archives
Is self-care the same as selfishness?
The Christian faith urges us to deny ourselves and serve others. But does that mean that all self-care is selfish? In Mark 1, after healing many people and drawing a crowd, the Bible tells us Jesus disappeared the next morning. He went off by himself to pray. I think that’s self-care. And when pressured to go back to the crowds, the better option, he said, was to go preach somewhere else. That’s self-care, too. Maybe self-care that orients you toward the purposes of God isn’t selfish at all.
April 8, 2020
Ron, what do we do? My kids are confusing my husband.
We all have different roles and each role tends to have a label. Suzanne’s kids were confusing her husband. The youngest calls him Dad; the middle will only call him by his first name; and the oldest calls him, “Hey, you.” Since terms tend to reflect emotional bonds and loyalty conflicts in children, mom and stepdad should learn to be okay with different labels. As long as the terms are respectful, go with it. Focus on being Christ-like. The labels will change, but the relationship will endure.
April 7, 2020
Did you know that when it comes to your neighbor, the Bible says that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?
The Bible says in Proverbs 11, “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.” The co-parents I’ve met who impressed me lived by this verse. Though they sometimes were tempted to say negative things about their ex or to their child about their extended family they chose to say nothing at all. They understand that negativity invites negativity and that children suffer when parents belittle each other. If you can’t say anything nice, hold your tongue.
April 6, 2020
I think it’s time to rethink premarital sex and cohabitation.
In today’s culture sex before marriage and living together is the norm. But what if God’s precepts against doing so were meant to protect you from the pain of a break up? The best research shows that cohabitation disrupts the formation of a long-term commitment. And cohabiting parents break up at a higher rate and inadvertently expose their children to dangerous home situations. Since up to 40% of all children will spend time in a cohabiting home let's rethink this and let God protect us.
April 3, 2020
Ron, how does autism affect a stepfamily?
Blending two families is even more challenging with a child on the autism spectrum because they have rigid routines and struggle to connect emotionally. Now, bonding is what a blended family is trying to do so where does that leave a stepparent with an autistic stepchild? Or stepsiblings who don’t understand why so many things have to be centered on the autistic child. Well, you have to move slowly as a family, make changes very carefully, and lower your expectations for emotional bonding.
April 2, 2020
Life poses many questions. And when painful things happen, our questions reveal a lot about us.
When bad things happen psychologically we have an immediate need to know what we are dealing with. So we ask lots of “What?” oriented questions. What happened? When? Where? Then we ask “Why?” Why would someone do that? If God is in control, why would this happen? But if we’re not careful we stop there. We forget to ask the “Who” question. Who do I trust? Trust in the Lord, advises Proverbs, not your own understanding. The “What?” and the “Why?” never satisfy the soul, but the “Who?” does.
April 1, 2020
When two people have their backs turned, who makes the first move?
I know a stepmom who has good relationships with most of her stepchildren, but she and her stepdaughter are stuck. So first, she decided to cut her stepdaughter a break and realize that not everything she does is personal. Second, she needs to set firm boundaries. And third, she needs to forgive her stepdaughter for a few things so she can make the first move towards reconciliation. Why her? Because when your backs are turned the first person responsible to turn back around is always you.
March 31, 2020
I’ve been asked many times, “How do people survive tragedy without God?” Answer: I have no idea.
Proverbs 14 tells us that when calamity comes, even in death it says, the righteous have a refuge. Nearly every blended family has experienced a great loss. An absent parent, the death of a parent, or the death of a family through divorce. But I’ve repeatedly witnessed, beaten and battered people holding on to the rock of their salvation, surviving the storm, and emerging on the other side. Our refuge is not brought down by our circumstances. God is dependable. Hold on to Him.
March 30, 2020
That’s right. Get in the trenches.
Are you looking to make some new relationships? Or maybe new memories? Here’s a way to do both. Get in the trenches and serve beside others. Throwing yourself into a service project with others forces you to work together and learn about each other. It also builds memories. In blended families this has the added benefit of helping family members forge new relationships in meaningful ways. You bond, make memories, and do some good for a neighbor next door or around the world.
March 27, 2020
Hey kids, isn’t it annoying when parents change the rules!
You thought you knew what was expected but now you don't. Your parents read a good book, or they go to a parenting class and they change their expectations. Then there are the parent-stepparent changes. For years you could be sarcastic with your brothers and then a stepparent enters the scene and takes it personally when you’re sarcastic with your stepbrother. It’s a pain. And it would help if they wouldn’t take things quite so personally, but maybe you’re going to have to stop being sarcastic.
March 26, 2020
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Featured Offer
Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.