FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Stress & Reminders

December 6, 2019

Holiday pictures should have everyone in the frame, right? But sometimes they don’t.

 

Someone is missing from the family portrait. Whether by death or by divorce the joy of the season is dampened by sadness. For many stepfamilies, someone is at the other home instead of at the dinner table. Or tension between family members reminds them that they aren’t quite the family they want to be. Be reminded this Christmas that the mercy of Christ helps us love in spite of tension. Nothing is impossible with God. Humble beginnings and impractical circumstances are not beyond Him.

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Well, the old adage is true: Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.   Where does that leave a foster parent, an adoptive parent, or stepparent? You can have authority without a bonded relationship. But it has limits. A police officer can pull you over, a boss or coach or a teacher can tell you what to do, but people don’t obey these authorities out of love. That’s why it’s critical a new stepparent know their limits. Focus on bonding with kids and work with the biological parent on setting the household rules. Stand together and you can enforce those rules.
December 5, 2019
Co-Parents: If you really want to bless your children, here’s a quality to strive for.   Surrounded by four children (two hers and two his), I asked Kay how she was able to cope with between home pressures at the holidays. Kay said, “Well, I learned early on that letting the other home have the kids on Christmas Day was not only a gift to my kids, but to myself. I realized that giving them that time helped both homes enjoy the holidays more.” Kay learned to be flexible. That’s rarely an easy thing to do. I’m quite sure she was disappointed that first Christmas but what a blessing.
December 4, 2019
Are you dancing the dance of want?   Remember getting a crush on someone, but you didn’t know if they were also interested so you acted coy and tried to find out if they wanted to be wanted by you. That’s the dance of want. The first date was great and you hoped for another, but do they? After dating for months, you’re thinking of marriage, but are they? This dance can make you insecure and withhold yourself. But that gets you nowhere. Love first. Give first. Sacrifice first. Live out of your want first.
December 3, 2019
Mom…Dad…are you holding your kids hostage?   Did you hear about the pastor whose sermon was disrupted by a would-be robber who held a gun to a woman’s head? He tackled and disarmed him. Well, a lot of Christian co-parents are holding their own kids hostage. Parents when you keep the kids at your house an extra hour or speak poorly about the other home or fail to pay your part of a bill—you are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually holding your kids hostage. Look, this is not about you. Put the gun down and let the hostage go.
December 2, 2019
I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like home anymore.   A 35 year-old woman said this as she reflected on her holiday family visit. She went to her childhood home but because her dad married after her mom’s death he was preoccupied with his new wife and her family. All of that made home feel foreign. Changes to family traditions can make children and teens feel that way, too. That's why parents should keep some traditions. Also, acknowledge that change is hard. Talk about it. Remind them that what hasn’t changed is your love for them.
November 29, 2019
Thanksgiving! No, I mean, thanks for giving.   Did you know there’s a cycle of gratitude? When you’re grateful for all God has done it changes how you act towards others. A little of your thankfulness can’t help but spill over to others. Then as 2 Corinthians 9 tells us, your generosity results in them giving thanks to God. Men will “praise God” because of your obedience and the grace of God evident within you. So, your thankfulness to God produces kindness toward others which produces in them gratitude towards God. Nice. Happy Thanksgiving!
November 28, 2019
Hey Ron, what’s the best way to tell my kids I’m getting married?   What you’re really asking is, “How do I announce an engagement and ensure my kids will be happy about it?” Ah, how to sum up the entire book Dating and the Single Parent. Well, you can't guarantee their happiness. Whether young or old, how children react is up to them. What you can do is be calm and matter of fact. Tell them when, where, how, and what it means for them. Then listen to their response. Most importantly, reassure them you still love and are committed to them and always will be.
November 27, 2019
You know, sometimes members of a stepfamily are confused about what to call each other.   When you marry into a family you have to figure out what to call extended family members. Sometimes you call your mother-in-law Mom, and sometimes you don’t. Well, the same is true for blended families. The trick is figuring it out together. Ask things like, “How would you like to be introduced in public or with friends?” And, “At home, what term is most comfortable for you?” These questions will help you honor one another’s preferences which ultimately makes you feel more like family.
November 26, 2019
The Bible says, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” What? Speak up! I can’t hear you!   When I was 35 I started losing my hearing in one ear. Then, after wearing a hearing aid for over a decade, surgery restored my hearing. On many occasions Jesus said, “If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.” Most people heard what he said, but they didn’t understand. After surgery I discovered many things I never heard before. What about you? What is really preventing you from hearing Jesus? Maybe surgery is in order: God humble my heart to what I have not been hearing. Give me ears to hear.
November 25, 2019
Yeah, kids are sometimes hesitant to warm up to their stepparent. But what do you do when it’s the stepparent who won’t warm up?   Lisa’s new husband went from open and engaging with her 21-year-old to standoffish and uninterested leaving everyone feeling uncomfortable. It’s hard to guess what’s holding your husband back. Maybe he feels guilty being close to your daughter when his own daughter lives far away. I’m not sure. But the wisdom here is to be full of grace, not condemnation. Be patient or he’ll never explain and you’ll never learn what will open him up. Hopefully, eventually, he’ll reach out to your daughter.
November 22, 2019
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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