Should We or Shouldn’t We?
August 1, 2018
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Don’t rely on your judgment. Pray.
A dating couple in their early 40’s shared, “Ron, we want to get married, but some of our kids are opposed to it. What do we do?” Well, I don’t know specifically what the answer is for you but I do know getting married when a child—of any age—is strongly against it, is a bad idea. I also know extended dating makes managing sexual tension challenging. Ultimately, you’re caught between your desire for a spouse and what creates a safe environment for your kids. That’s why you must pray. And pray.
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Their all-too familiar story made my heart sink.
Her children were suffering under the bully behavior of his kids. But dad and stepmom knew what was behind this. His former spouse had nothing good to say about their stepmom or her kids. Her venom turned her kids into bullies. If your children move between two homes, don’t make them little soldiers in your war of insecurity. If you do, they and everyone they touch will likely suffer great emotional wounds on the field of battle. Love them freely. Give them freedom to love others besides you.
July 31, 2018
I watched one fail; I watched one succeed.
“My parents divorced when I was 11,” the blogger explained. “It shattered my world. My mom’s remarriage was hard to accept at first, but this blended family has become very special to me. And my mom’s marriage taught me that love can last. I watched one marriage fail; I watched one marriage succeed.” Children of divorce don’t want to repeat the past. Sometimes they lose faith in the institution of marriage but a healthy stepfamily marriage can restore faith in God’s design for the family.
July 30, 2018
Today on FamilyLife Blended, I’m talking to everyone not in a blended family.
I’ve talked about things stepparents can do to move their stepparent-stepchild relationships in a positive direction. But there’s something the rest of us can do. As it turns out, a strong supportive social network buffers the challenges stepparents and stepchildren face and helps them see each other as family. When an extended family member speaks highly to a stepchild about the stepparent or when someone from church compliments the family and helps them care for one another—that all helps.
July 27, 2018
Who knew conflict, can be a turning point for good?
Turning points are moments that improve stepparent-stepchild relationships. Now, there is nothing instant about this. But when researchers asked adult stepchildren, looking back, how things got better, they discovered that conflict can bring about good. Not the conflict itself, of course, but when a stepparent showed a commitment to work it out—and when apologies were offered and forgiveness sought it carried their relationship forward.
July 26, 2018
You don’t always know what made the difference…until you look back.
Adult stepchildren with healthy relationships with their stepparent were asked to look back and talk about what shifted the relationship in a positive way. One turning point centered on the extraordinary efforts of the stepparent to show kindness to the stepchild. Acts of service that required going out of their way to express love for the child changed the direction of the relationship. Now here’s the catch: the positive impact on the child and relationship—may not be evident for a long time.
July 25, 2018
Looking back is one way you know what made the difference.
Research has identified a variety of turning points in healthy stepparent-stepchild relationships. One turning point is when the stepparent affirmed the value of the child. Like when they went to bat for them in a social situation—or stood by the child during a challenging time. And for some kids it helped to hear the stepparent claim the child as their own. There’s a catch: stepparents shouldn’t expect the child to claim them as dad or mom, but knowing you’re committed can be a turning point.
July 24, 2018
Time is a commodity that pays significant dividends.
When researchers asked adult stepchildren to look back and describe how things got better with their stepparent one of the things they discovered is that an investment of quality time was a turning point. Spending leisure time together; talking about life made a difference in their relationship. Now here’s the catch: quality time is rare in the early years of a stepfamily because conflict tends to be high. But don’t give up trying because when you find it, it’s a turning point for good.
July 23, 2018
Okay, Ron, I’m the biological dad and I agree that I should make my wife, my kid’s stepmom, a high priority in our home. But does that mean I always have to agree with her?
Parenting team unity is important especially when it comes to setting boundaries and standards for your home. But there are negotiations every family faces that aren’t mountains to die on. Like deciding which TV show to watch. Sometimes it's okay to agree with your kids. What you don’t want is a pattern of ending up at odds with your spouse around things that really matter. If you find yourself repeatedly falling into that hole climb out quick or the jealously and insecurity will just get worse.
July 20, 2018
For stepfamily couples, one of the things that divides their marriage is parenting their kids.
Let’s say the stepparent thinks there needs to be more consequences and the biological parent agrees but wants to go about it differently. The stepparent can feel like an outsider trying to find their place. Parenting in stepfamilies is really complex so I can’t give you one simple answer to every scenario but what I can do is to encourage you to get educated. Read online articles and books, go to seminars, start a ministry in your church—find the answers. You and your kids will be glad you did.
July 19, 2018
So, do you live in a state of “continuous partial attention”?
Parent educator Joshua Straub suggests that being continually distracted by our devices creates a secondhand screen impact on our children. We allow our play, talk, and attention time to be interrupted and our kids suffer for it. The brains of babies might even be wired to expect interruption by this repeated process. So, Dr. Straub suggests you designate certain times to look at your screen and compartmentalize time where no phones are allowed. Aren’t your kids worth your undivided attention?
July 18, 2018
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.