FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Save Your Marriage, Stay Persistent

October 9, 2020

Are you struggling in your marriage? Stay the course. 

Many married couples are struggling. Take a lesson from successful stepfamily couples. Research reveals that compared to those who give in to divorce, successful couples do three things. They work hard at communicating well; they persist in problem-solving meaning, when they get stuck they change how they approach the problem till they find a solution; and they deal with their larger family issues, like stepparenting. Hey, this is hard work. Don’t give up. Be an overcomer. Stay the course.

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The legacy you leave it rooted in the life you live. We want our kids and grandkids to have it better than us, right? A sobering principle in Scripture suggests that is in part up to us. The Bible points out that idolatrous actions result in consequences to the third and fourth generation. In other words, making money your idol steals a blessing from your descendants and being sexually undisciplined creates an irresponsible generational pattern that gets repeated. The next time you choose selfishness thinking “I’m not hurting anyone,” think again.
October 8, 2020
Are you an owner of your house or just a houseguest? When people of many ethnicities gather in social situations the privilege class feels comfortable as “owners of the house” while minorities often feel like guests. But what’s best for everyone is for minorities to feel like “owners,” too. The same principle is true in stepfamilies. Unless the stepparent invites the biological parent to become a full-fledged member of the parenting team, they’re just a guest and unless extended family members welcome each other, they stay divided.
October 7, 2020
The game “Hide and Seek” was fun as a kid; not so much as an adult. Have you ever had a friend disappear because they fell in love? It’s not fun is it? What if you were the one doing the hiding? Technology allows us to run off and hide from those we love. One spouse disappears into Facebook while the other one checks work e-mail yet again before bed. Friends go to dinner but text other people while they sit there. Single parents Facetime a new dating partner while their children wait off camera. Let’s get disciplined. Unhook. Don’t play hide and seek. Get found.
October 6, 2020
One way to keep the oxygen flowing to your marriage is to steal a kiss. You’re not really stealing anything. You’re drawing on the bank account of your affection. But what you are stealing is a moment. A moment out of a hectic day. A moment away from parenting. You see “the kiss” is a much-needed point of connection. Research shows that when you have various “stealing a kiss” routines, you oxygenate your marriage. Things like a warm hug before leaving for work or a shared recreational activity all help sustain your marriage. So, find your moment and steal a kiss.
October 5, 2020
Why would a parent put their child to death? There’s an odd expression in Proverbs 19. “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.” The author is saying discipline teaches a child how to live, but passive parents set their kids up for self-destruction. What would make a parent passive? Not knowing how to discipline and the fear of losing kids to the other home paralyzes parents and stepparents. But passivity leads to death. Find your nerve as a parent and offer them life, instead.
October 2, 2020
Empathy can bless your home. In the workplace and in families, people can experience the same interaction very differently. How do you bridge that gap? Learn empathy—the ability to recognize and share the emotions of another person.  Feeling life from their vantage point helps you understand them. Members of a blended family often have very different experiences of each other. Applying empathy helps everyone bridge their gaps, find compassion for each other, and strengthen their home.
October 1, 2020
I’m wondering…how much is your mate worth to you? We might inherit wealth from our ancestors but Proverbs 19:14 says “a prudent wife” is from the Lord. It’s easy to get caught up in the riches of life but when that comes at the expense of valuing our mate, we lose sight of what matters. A wise and loving mate is to be valued, honored, and appreciated. She needs to know you value her and God desires to hear your gratitude for His provision. Keep an eternal view. Your stuff will pass to the next generation, but love will be carried into eternity.
September 30, 2020
Sometimes, loss is hidden just below the surface. Some unwanted transition resulted in a blended family. Sometimes that loss is hidden, especially to the adults. Emily has been in her stepson’s life since he was two so she assumes he won’t be affected by loss. But in time he may grieve all the complications of his parent’s divorce. Loss is revealed over time and developmental stages bring new losses to the surface for children. Don’t let your feelings define a child’s. Empathize and when hidden losses are uncovered, help them grieve.
September 29, 2020
When you hear the word stepfamily, which narrative do you think of? Of course, some will immediately think “Brady Bunch,” while others think of fairy tales and the evil stepmother. You could think of the biblical family of Jacob, who had at least 13 children by four women (that was a mess), or the families of Abraham and David or of Jesus (that one worked out really well). Or what about the narrative of the church; sons and daughters, adopted by the King, grafted into his eternal family. Whichever one you pick, make sure your family narrative is written by God.
September 28, 2020
Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts. Those are the words of legendary coach John Wooden. He also said, “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” I want my kids to get that. They can’t do everything, but they can put to use their God-given gifts. I’d also pray those words over stepparents, who can’t control a stepchild’s openness to them, on biological parents in blended families, who can’t make everyone happy all the time and on stepchildren who wish that the death or divorce had never happened.
September 25, 2020
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Receive our monthly Strengthening Stepfamilies newsletter as well as the occasional email updating you on stepfamily events and resources.

About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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