Managing Yourself
November 14, 2019
00:00
Good parenting is in part about managing your children. But often more about managing yourself.
Hector’s daughter pushed his buttons. She was direct and assertive. All of which made him overreact to the point of crushing her spirit. Yes, parenting is about strategies, but it's also about managing what goes on inside us. Hector figured out that assertiveness threatened him. Overreacting didn’t work out with his ex wife and if he didn’t want the same result with his daughter, he needed to change his response. Hey, if you can’t manage yourself what makes you think you can manage your kids?
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Parents are lying to their kids…for personal gain. And, it’s got to stop.
I’ve worked with divorced parents for over two decades and it drives me crazy when a parent is lying to their child about the other home. Often it's a selfish motivation--money, custody, or winning the favor of the child--and all it takes is blaming the other parent or skewing the story to make yourself look good. It’s all a cowardly lie. Proverbs 12 declares that truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment. Eventually your kids are going to figure it out and then what?
November 13, 2019
A stepmom, Linda, sent me an e-mail. I could see her smile in her words.
She said, “I got a big payoff when my husband threw me a 50th birthday party and my stepson, drove six hours to be there.” Then she said, “I got an incredible call from my husband’s oldest daughter away at college. She called to say how much she loved me and was glad that I married her dad. And then she said, ‘Linda, I was so mean to you when I was 15. I’m so sorry. What was that about?’ Then we talked about it light heartedly and ended up having a good laugh.” Wow. Thanks for sharing, Linda.
November 12, 2019
Thank you for your service.
I was walking through an airport and a man near me walked up to two military servicemen he didn't know and said, “Thank you for your service.” It got me thinking. It’s pretty easy for me to be disconnected from the sacrifices our military personnel make. Stories around Veteran’s Day always put a face on the sacrifices made, but it’s easy to forget. That's why I now make it a practice to walk up to military personnel I don’t know and say, “Thank you.” Perhaps you’ll join me.
November 11, 2019
If you want to feel close in your marriage, do things that make you close.
Healthy couples realize that it’s up to them to make day-to-day decisions to protect their time together. I’m talking about talking together. Just the two of you. No cell phones, no kids, no Instagram. Talking about your day, your parenting, your faith. And doing things together helps your closeness, too, especially for couples in stepfamilies. The vast majority of happy couples in blended families have interests that bring them together. The couple that prays and plays together, stays together.
November 8, 2019
I’m not sure you want to do this, but if you want to push a friend or family member away, just lie to them.
Lying, breaking a promise, or deceiving someone—yeah, those are all good ways of destroying trust and adding distance to a relationship. Proverbs 12:22 tells us that “the Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who are truthful.” We hurt our relationship with God when we’re dishonest and we hurt earthly relationships, too. Many marriages and families are ripped apart by lies. I know the truth is very hard to say sometimes but telling the truth is always less harmful that a lie.
November 7, 2019
Parenting over the long haul is tough. Stepparenting is really tough.
Not all stepparents feel like their job is tough, but clearly, on the whole, if you listen to stepparents you’ll see they have many challenges and they also have fewer rewards. Biological parents have challenges, too, but on a regular basis they also enjoy sweet, positive moments with their kids: a sincere “thank you” or a teachable moment that brings them together. Stepparents enjoy these kinds of moments, too, but far less often. And, that’s why stepparents need a really big hug.
November 6, 2019
Ron, I’m an adult and my mom is dating a guy and I’m having a rough time with it.
I heard from a listener who was struggling with her mom’s serious relationship. “My dad died five years ago,” she said. “Even though I’m happy for my mom, I’m not comfortable with her new relationship, but I’m trying to be supportive.” I don’t care how old you are, when a parent dates or marries, it dramatically changes your life in many unwanted ways. I appreciate her attitude. But this doesn’t necessarily make the adjustments easy. It does bring a grace to the equation and that always helps.
November 5, 2019
Parents, what’s your role when it comes to your kids and the other parent?
Whether you’re married and raising your kids together, or you have a co-parent who lives in the other home, or maybe there’s a stepparent who lives with you; I’m wondering, are you a defender--speaking up for one side or the other or an interpreter who tries to translate and bridge the gap between the other two. You can play either one of these roles some of the time but don’t get stuck in them all of the time. And, as much as you can, stand with your spouse. Be united.
November 4, 2019
Okay, let’s face it some people are just easier to forgive than others.
The ease with which we forgive others is in part determined by the size of the offense and who it is, right? Many consider their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, or ex-spouse an enemy. Jesus specifically told us to pray for our enemies, even more to love them. One great way to love them is to forgive them, just as the Lord has forgiven you. Maybe pray this, “Lord, in response to your forgiving mercy, give me a grateful heart, so much so, that I am able to forgive those who have hurt me.” Amen.
November 1, 2019
How do you maintain parental unity when you disagree?
Well-intentioned, good-hearted parents disagree sometimes. But what do you do if one of you has already taken action? What you don’t do is make critical comments in front of the kids about how the other handled it. Or even worse, reverse the decision. Instead have a parent meeting behind closed doors, and listen. Find out why they did what they did. Then share your thoughts about what might happen next time. Parenting is a live-and-learn experience. Just make sure you live and learn together.
October 31, 2019
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