FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Conflict at Home

July 26, 2017

In one year, home fires in the U.S. accounted for close to 16,000 injuries, and over 3200 deaths. But there’s a home fire of a different kind that is just as destructive.

 

There are no perfect families. We know our family is not perfect but sometimes we think other families are. Even while I am thinking about this topic my wife and I are working through a tiff we had recently. Everybody has a little house fire from time to time. But if there is a family conflict that can’t be contained, there’s no shame in calling the fire department. You know; a trusted friend, a pastor or counselor. If you need help don’t stand there and watch the house burn down. Call for help.

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Sometimes, hope is unreasonable.   What do you do with an unreasonable person? Proverbs 25 puts it this way. “Like a broken tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful...” Could they change? Sure, but until then it’s time to organize your life without them. This needs a lot of prayer. Say it’s an ex who won’t parent their own kids or someone who loves their addiction more than you. Not relying on them is painful and tragic but not as painful as continually chewing on a broken tooth. Trust God and trust the person to God.
July 25, 2017
Want to connect with your spouse? Try a 30-second kiss.   We kiss royalty on the hand, grandma on the cheek, and our children on the forehead. Over time many married couples tend to settle for lazy kisses. But a 30-second kiss, a standing-in-the-kitchen-at-the-end-of-a-long-day kiss that’s qualitatively different. It takes time and determination but that’s the point. It gets you out of your rut. It adds energy to your marriage and communicates how much you value one another. It might gross out your kids, but if it affirms your usness, it’s worth it.
July 24, 2017
Every conflict has its own little dance. Are you a Distancer or a Pursuer?   In marriage Distancers are trying to help by withdrawing and cooling down the conflict. Pursuers chase problem talk; they want to help by getting the issue resolved. Now notice, both are trying to help. But in the heat of battle the Pursuer can’t catch the Distancer and the Distancer really doesn’t like how determined the Pursuer is to keep the discussion going. How are you going to resolve this impasse? Learn how to stand still. Manage yourself well and you can dance right through the conflict.
July 21, 2017
Every couple has conflict. Having the right tools in your tool box will help you manage it.   Healthy couples manage conflict in their marriage by doing little things like deliberately dealing with anger. Bite your tongue and back off until you calm down. Process what is making you angry and then share your concern. Also, don’t be an archeologist who digs up the past and shines a light on it. Bringing up old hurts and comparing your spouse to their parents will complicate the current issue. Stay with the here and now. If you have a problem using the right tool will help you fix it.
July 20, 2017
Too much of a good thing, can make you sick.   The Bible in Proverbs 25 tells us that eating too much honey will make you vomit and spending too much time at a neighbor’s house will make them hate you. This is also true in parenting. Hovering parents who control their child’s choices force feed themselves to their children and the kids get sick of it. Well-intentioned stepparents do this, too. Back up a bit. Give strategic doses of yourself to a teenager, young adult, or a stepchild. Give them space and your influence will taste good.
July 19, 2017
When you leave a voice message do you say “goodbye” at the end?   We even do that when we’re writing an email or sending a text or snapchat to someone who’s probably not there. We’re imaging what they'll feel and hear and how they'll respond which is probably why we say “goodbye” in a voicemail as if we are talking to a live person. But we’re not. Here’s the point. Some things are fine to say with technology but some things, especially matters of the heart, need to be said to a real person, by a real person. In today’s digital world, don’t skip the face time.
July 18, 2017
Family is a central theme in the Bible. Maybe it should be in your church as well.   Each person reflects the image of God, but family relationships more deeply reflect the relational aspects of the Trinity. Distinct, but unified. Earthly family relationships teach us about heavenly ones: God as Father, brothers and sisters in Christ, adopted into God’s family we are the bride of Christ. Family is also the primary place for growth, care, maturity, and learning about the Savior. Does your church empower all types of families to be what God created them to be? If not, it’s time.
July 17, 2017
Somebody once said, “Divorce is the gift that keeps on taking.” So why would you want to do it twice?   About one-third of everyone divorcing this year is divorcing a second time. It may be what people choose when they don’t know what else to do, but it’s not what they really want. As it turns out, marriage and the stepfamily that comes with it gets increasingly complex and, therefore, harder to do. People are caught off guard and they quit. The good news is there are solid, practical answers available for the questions stepfamilies ask. You never have to divorce again.
July 14, 2017
What would your friends say? That you are quick to react when frustrated or careful to respond?   Proverbs 12 suggests it’s foolish to react when someone annoys us. One poor reaction invites another. Pretty quickly you’ve got an escalating argument. By contrast, the prudent or wise person overlooks an insult. Or they may look beneath the insult and wonder what need this reveals in the person who said it and how they might minister to that need. In blended families, when emotions are running high, this kind of wisdom goes a long way toward bridging gaps and healing hearts.
July 13, 2017
“Yeah, Ron, I’m an only child who has seven brothers and sisters.”   He explained he has seven half brothers and sisters but he is the only child born to his parents. A large percentage of Americans were raised in complex families and to them here is nothing strange about it. This gets them ready for God’s family. Born into different cultures, races, and sociological backgrounds we all get adopted into God’s family. As with complex families, in the church we have family members we don’t know well, don’t agree with, and some we don’t like. But they are all family.
July 12, 2017
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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