FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Celebrating Stepparents

January 26, 2018

Here’s one you haven’t heard in the media lately. Good news about stepparents.

 

I have some Google alerts set up for the key words, stepmom and stepdad. I have to tell you, rarely if ever is there a story about either that is positive or encouraging. Come on, really? Not only is that not accurate it supports the myth that stepparents are evil and to be feared. All over the world there are stepparents who day in and day out are giving, nurturing, teaching, and loving and if you ask me worthy of an award. Tweet that, would you? We need to set the record straight.

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What would you say to a parent who is actively teaching their child to steal?   You might tell them that they are teaching their child selfishness and to trust in themselves rather than to trust God. All of that seems straightforward. So let me ask you. What are you teaching a child when you move in together before marriage? Well, to think of themselves instead of others. That personal convenience outweighs moral conviction. And that trusting in yourself rather than God is the better option. One day they will make their own decisions. Will they follow in your footsteps?
January 25, 2018
True or False? Stepfamilies go through predictable stages of development?   True. Most stepfamilies go through a number of stages after the wedding. Dr. Patricia Papernow says stepfamilies start with a fantasy of how quickly their family will bond. The family is immersed into the realities of stepfamily living which brings confusion and difficulties. Then comes an awareness of what needs to be fixed that allows the family to mobilize their strengths, air their differences, and find solutions. The action stage makes the plan a reality and turns disharmony into harmony.
January 24, 2018
Would you want to be the President? I mean, you have to be in charge of everything!   Now you think that’s difficult. Imagine being a parent in charge of a miniature society. You’re in charge of everything. Well, thankfully Proverbs 28-29 say a lot about leadership, whether presidential or parental. Pursue righteousness, gain understanding and knowledge about those you serve, be humble, confess your sin, work hard, and seek the Lord’s wisdom so you can judge fairly. Good leadership at every level of society begins with God’s wisdom and our own character.
January 23, 2018
So, how many kids do you have?   I have three children but one died. So, if I say three I’ll have to explain what happened which makes most people feel awkward and retreat from the conversation. So, depending on how much energy I have, I'll avoid answering the question directly and talk about my other two boys but then I feel weird. It’s not simple. So it is for stepparents who love their stepkids but aren’t sure what the right answer is. Speaking for those of us with complicated answers, please be understanding. 
January 22, 2018
When you choose a mate, you choose a set of problems for the rest of your life.   Nearly 70 percent of the conflicts couples have are perpetual issues. They are unresolved disagreements that are rooted in personality differences or personal preferences. Stepcouples also find that they marry themselves to some perpetual problems they didn’t anticipate. Things like ongoing conflict between homes, financial troubles rooted in the past, or an ex-mother in law. The quicker you accept these things and ask God for the humility to adjust to them the better off you will be.
January 19, 2018
Have you ever noticed that in God’s ministry strategy the wrong person is often the right person?   If you are like me, you’ve felt inadequate to lead a ministry. I’m not the right person. I don’t have a personality for that. I hear similar things from couples especially after I challenge them to start or lead a stepfamily class or small group in their church. “We don’t know what we are doing." I say that is perfect because God’s strength is always perfected in our weakness. In God’s economy, being the wrong person makes you the right person. Starting a small group? You can do it. Let us help.
January 18, 2018
What do you do when your husband is invited, but not you? That’s fine if it’s a business meeting, but what if your adult stepchild repeatedly invites their dad—your husband—to come over but not you? Suzanne feared that if he went without her, it would undercut their marriage. On occasion, her husband needs to stand up for their marriage, but he also needs to be a dad to his son and stay connected so eventually he can be the bridge between his son and his stepmom. “All or nothing” is not the answer. Let your husband be the link between people he loves.
January 17, 2018
Whether a nation or a family, one leader can make all the difference.   Proverbs 28:2 teaches that when a nation rebels against God, it becomes weak and unstable. But a nation led by a wise and understanding leader continues to be unified and strong. The same is true for a family. Your family may have been plagued by sinful behavior but it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can be the change agent who brings stability. Gain the wisdom of Scripture and let it permeate how you live and lead. The heritage you received does not have to be the legacy you pass on.
January 16, 2018
What do you do when one group of kids leaves out the other?   Ron, in our stepfamily we all get along great at the holidays, but even after three years my husband's adult children often leave my kids out. Should I be concerned? Well, since they all get along to some degree, I wouldn’t worry too much that the biological siblings compartmentalize some of their time. That’s okay. Don’t try to force togetherness. If your kids want to be included more, let them ask. It’s better that you get out of the way and the siblings figure this out on their own.
January 15, 2018
Now I know you’ve heard me say some crazy things but this one takes the cake. Learn to endure disharmony in your home.   I don’t expect you to be happy when someone is unhappy. Disharmony is a natural part of becoming a family. When a wedding forms a stepfamily you really don’t have a family identity. People have different last names and you have to learn how to be a family. That process almost guarantees a little disharmony maybe even a lot. But what’s cool is that working through things actually helps you to become a family. So, when disharmony comes take a deep breath, whisper a prayer, and keep on stepping.
January 12, 2018
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Receive our monthly Strengthening Stepfamilies newsletter as well as the occasional email updating you on stepfamily events and resources.

About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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