Building New Traditions
December 22, 2017
00:00
When it comes to traditions, you need something old and something new.
Every newly married couple knows they need to honor some traditions they grew up with and build new traditions for their new marriage. Stepfamilies have the same task but it’s more complicated because a lot more people are invested in the old traditions. So, decide on a new tradition, try it, and see what happens. If it doesn’t go well you’ve learned something. If it does go well you’ve gained a new tradition and everyone contributed to the process. Hey, that sounds like a family being born.
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Hmmm. Second wife, first ornaments.
For blended families, along with the good of holiday traditions, comes resurrected grief and reminders to new stepfamily members that they weren’t first. For example, what does a second wife do with ornaments that say “First Christmas” or “Mommy?” Laura Petherbridge in her stepfamily devotional, Seeking a Silent Night suggests asking your husband and stepchildren what they want to do with them or save them until they get older. By honoring their relationship with their mom, you honor them.
December 21, 2017
One voice worth listening to is the voice of experience.
We asked our social media readers in what way they underestimated how living in a stepfamily would be hard on their marriage. Nicole said, “I didn’t know how hard it would be to deal with another household.” Stepmom Brittany and her husband have struggled to unite their parenting styles. And the eight kids in Kari’s home are all grieving a deceased parent. What’s the point? As Christina said, “Rely on Jesus to sustain you.” And, then she thanked us for helping her anticipate the challenges.
December 20, 2017
Do you know your heart?
In the Bible Proverbs 27:19 says, “…the heart of man reflects the man.” It’s the heart of a person—their mind, their passions, what they value in life—that makes it clear what someone is really about. Our world judges on the outside but God looks on the heart and so should we. Especially our own heart. We have this uncanny ability to fool ourselves and get so wrapped up in doing we forget to ask what that reveals about our passions and values. So let’s ask, “What does my heart reflect about me?”
December 19, 2017
What’s the best thing a father can do for his children?
If you believe the old adage, the answer is love their mother because together they provide a healthy environment for their children. Is that also true for stepfathers? Well, in the beginning a stepfather is, in effect, taking the mother away from the kids at least that’s the way it feels to them. But eventually, when the family has had time to bond and connect, the answer is yes. A loving marriage at first puts the kids in a jam, but eventually becomes the glue that holds the family together.
December 18, 2017
Okay, here’s an odd one. One of the ways we help children grieve well is by making them pick up their socks.
One big temptation for parents of a grieving child is to go soft on them. They have been through a lot and so have you and you ache for them. But you need to keep holding them responsible for their behavior. Ephesians 4:26 suggests we can be angry and not sin. In other words, we are still responsible to manage our behavior even when we are feeling bad. Be sympathetic for their struggles and hug their sadness but at the same time hold them accountable for their actions and expect obedience.
December 15, 2017
Did you know that sometimes anger is a window into a child’s grief?
All parents need to know that for kids sometimes mad is really sad. Young children may not have words to express their pain or loss so they throw a tantrum. In teenagers an uncooperative attitude can really just be tears. Learn to listen beneath a child’s behavior and comment with compassion. Say something like, “I can tell you are upset. I’m also wondering if you are sad about something.” You might not be able to fix the circumstances but listening to their words is hugging their heart.
December 14, 2017
You know if you are grieving, you know grieving is hard. So how do you help a child grieve?
When we experience a loss we need relational, psychological, and spiritual anchors to hold us steady. One anchor for children is the consistent presence of people they trust to help them deal with the loss. They also need spiritual perspective on things like how a good God could allow bad things to happen even though he loves us. As a parent in a blended family or a stepparent make sure the kids have these anchors because grieving the past has everything to do with accepting you in the present.
December 13, 2017
Did you know that when it comes to family or community grieving sometimes children are forgotten?
After my 12-year-old son died my wife and I struggled to help our other two sons grieve the loss of their brother. We learned that siblings are what bereavement counselors call the forgotten mourners. Turns out this is often true. When divorced parents battle over money or visitation schedules how it affects their child is often ignored. Don’t pretend like the loss isn’t in a child’s life anymore. It is. Acknowledge it and speak to the child about it. Let them know you haven’t forgotten.
December 12, 2017
If you are a parent, you might just also be a grief counselor.
It’s funny. Grief is an emotion that will not be denied but in our culture we try hard to deny it. We expect sad people to get over it in just a few weeks. We think faith and a quick sermon from Romans 8:28 will make sadness go away. But it doesn’t. In single parent families and blended families kids need you to be authentic with your sadness, to give permission to their sadness, and to listen to their stories. Grief is a journey not a destination and it is best that children not travel alone
December 11, 2017
Okay, so you are a mom in a blended family. Have you ever heard this one before? You love him more than you love us.
You know lots of moms or dads have heard that accusation from their kids. It usually comes when the kids are feeling insecure. So what do you do? What is the priority in your life? Well, here is what you say. “My spouse is the most important adult in my life. You kids are the most important kids in my life. I love you both very much. God has given me more than enough love for all of you. I will always be here for you.” One antidote to a child’s insecurity is your reassurance and a big hug.
December 8, 2017
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Featured Offer
Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.