FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Back-Up Mom

May 7, 2020

Today let me share reason number 642 why stepparents need a hug.

 

One stepmom was pleasantly surprised when her two oldest stepdaughters gave her a card on Mother’s Day. It read, “Everyone needs a back-up mom. You’re mine!” What a huge compliment. She was beaming from ear to ear. So, why does she need a hug? Because this stepmom’s other two stepchildren didn’t acknowledge her at all on Mother’s Day. Not a word. So, which is it? Is she accepted or rejected? A part of the family or pushed aside? Ambiguity is a stepparent’s middle name. That’s why they need a hug.

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When you live like Jesus, you make a difference in someone’s life.   Being Christ-like in our daily lives leaves an indelible mark especially when our actions stand in direct contrast to others. Growing up, Mandy had a Mom and stepmom. Her mom always spoke critically of her dad. She immediately noticed a difference when her stepmom came into her life. She spoke to her dad with respect and warmth and her devotion to him made an intense impression. Today, Mandy is a loving wife because of her obedient stepmom. Does our behavior impact others? You bet it does.
May 6, 2020
You’ve been more of a mom to me than my real mom, so can I call you mom?   Man, you want to talk about music to a stepmom’s ears. That’s it. Can I call you mom? Now here’s the back story. The early years were difficult and hurtful, but this stepmom was determined. She just kept living and loving. And now, 15 years later, at the age of 28 her stepdaughter asked, “Can I call you mom?” Are you still in “difficult and hurtful” today? Hang on. Keep going. Love isn’t done yet.
May 5, 2020
Can you imagine? Telling a parent to abandon their child?   No, you probably can’t. But that’s exactly what this stepmom said to her own husband about his son. I guess she was anxious her son would be shortchanged in the family will. Her exact words were, “Get rid of him.” How awful. That’s exactly what Sarah said to Abraham about his son, Ishmael. And it greatly distressed Abraham. Okay, let’s learn from this. Jealousy and insecurity divide, devour, and destroy family relationships. Pray to get rid of jealousy and ask God for an open, gracious heart.
May 4, 2020
She was happily married for 25 years. Then widowed. Then remarried…at age 83!!??   Yes, that’s right. And her husband was 87! Well, love may come to life at any age, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. She was asking for help. Getting married had been an adjustment for everybody. We love helping people like this. Old and young. You see, we know that a successful 25 year first marriage doesn’t necessarily prepare you –or your children—for new love. Each marriage, each family, must stand on its own. It’s okay. We’ve got’cha.
May 1, 2020
How do you befriend a squirrel?   Today I’m talking to those of you who want to fix a relationship but the other person doesn’t. It’s like trying to befriend a squirrel, isn’t it? You can’t chase it or it just runs away. You can’t yell at it, complain, or nag. No, you have to sit in the park with something attractive and wait. And wait. You can’t make the squirrel want to be near you. But you can be trustworthy and Christlike. That invites reconciliation. The rest is up to the squirrel. As you wait may God give you strength.
April 30, 2020
I think the best solution is divorce.   This wife and mother was frustrated. Her husband never followed through on discipline and he treated her poorly so divorce in her mind was the best solution. I agree, things need to change, but would your absence make him a better father or stop his negativity? The way to increase your influence in his life is to stay near him; leaving decreases your influence and you have less parental power to help your kids. A healthy marriage is the best solution to your problem. Get help and don’t give up.
April 29, 2020
In your relationship conflict, who is the bad guy?   Most of us when we tell a story about an argument we had, we talk about what the other person said and did, as if we contributed nothing to the exchange. Convenient, huh. Blame them and absolve ourselves of any responsibility. Now here’s a thought. Ask yourself, “What’s my part? How did I contribute to them acting the way they did? And what should I do differently next time?” Sure you need to share the blame, but more importantly, you need to know what you can do to make things better.
April 28, 2020
Ron, any advice would be greatly appreciated.   We love listener feedback but sometimes we get asked about an impossible situation. Like the dad, who because of an uncooperative ex-wife, was forced to ask the courts for help. This toll of this put his daughter in a mental health unit. Two years later he still can’t see his daughter. He’s stuck and no matter what he does his daughter loses. Hopefully a local therapist or pastor can help him sort this out, but families like this need prayer. Impossible situations need the God of the impossible.
April 27, 2020
Discipline and a stern lecture are only for the young, right? Well…   Adults would like to think that discipline is just for kids but that would be the mouth of a fool talking. Proverbs 15 says a person who ignores discipline despises himself. One version says, “…hates themselves.” Talk about self-defeating. But a humble person listens to life-giving correction so they gain understanding and wisdom. Yes, the delivery matters but discipline is for everyone. And we should all have a mentor who will deliver it. The question is: are we humble enough to receive it?
April 24, 2020
When a relationship feels fragile, it’s tempting to stop speaking the truth.   New friendships, new marriages, and new stepfamilies are all tempted to avoid saying the hard thing. The relationship feels fragile and you’re not sure if it’s strong enough to handle the truth. Scripture, in Ephesians 4 says we should put off falsehood and speak truth. We can even be angry, but do so without sin, managing the anger so that it doesn’t corrupt the conversation. In your home instead of walking on eggshells, share your thoughts and feelings in a healthy, collaborative manner.
April 23, 2020
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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