Asking Kids to Choose
November 13, 2020
00:00
No, Ron, I would never ask the kids to choose between us.
Close to 40% of kids in the U.S. live between separated or divorced parents and generally those parents know not to ask their child to choose between them. You would never do that, right? But, inadvertently, you might be—when you talk out loud about between home disagreements, invade the other’s home time with the kids with text messages, or when you make the children feel guilty for enjoying life in the other home. All of these ask kids to choose. It’s not a competition. Just love your kids.
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On his way out the door, he looked me in the eye and said, “Take care of your marriage.”
This friend of mine had come to FamilyLife for a series of meetings. He’s well aware that I’m a family author, conference speaker, and a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly three decades of experience, but still he said to me, “Take care of your marriage.” I really respect him for it. None of us are immune to temptation or has a resume that will allow us to get relationally lazy. Protecting our marriage and family relationships demands diligence, intentionality, and God’s wisdom.
November 12, 2020
For military stepfamilies combat is not the only battle they face.
Not all blended families face the same challenges. Stepfamilies in the military face life in 3D: Frequent moves create distance between children and their parent; deployments may force stepparents to take on a full-time parenting role before they’re ready; and the demands of military life create stress in the home. That’s why FamilyLife Blended is pleased to work with the Military Ready Stepfamily. On this Veteran’s Day: we thank you for fighting for us, and we’re fighting for you.
November 11, 2020
Do you want to rise above the clutter? Walk your talk.
Many people claim things about themselves and make promises but few people live up to them. It’s always been that way. Proverbs 20 warns us that many people profess their loyalty and kindness, but few are faithful to it. That was the norm. That’s why today as people who reflect Christ to the world we should strive, in this case, to be abnormal. Don’t make promises you can’t keep and be honest and faithful in your business practices and dealings with friends and family. Walk your talk.
November 10, 2020
Hovering, overbearing parents squash kids.
Hovering parents, sometimes called helicopter parents, stay on top of their kids. “When are you going to get your homework done?” “Did you take out the trash yet?” You may be trying to teach responsibility but you’re really telling the kids they aren’t capable. That’s debilitating and when it comes from a stepparent, it’s even worse. It short circuits your developing relationship and makes you feel unsafe to be around. To build up a child coach them from the side, not force them from the top.
November 9, 2020
So, are we family or are we not?
God is relational and we, as his image-bearers, also, have a deep need for connection. So, when a child can’t win a parent’s approval, a spouse feels unimportant to their partner, or when a stepcouple feels like their family isn’t coming together; anxiety and fear set in. Essentially they are asking, “Am I important to you or not?” and that question adds to what gets in the way of finding connection. It’s much better to act out of your love for them than worry about their love for you.
November 6, 2020
Is alcohol abuse alive and well in your home? If so, it’s time to send it packing.
According to Proverbs 20, overindulging in wine and strong drink turns us into fools, creates conflict, and leads us astray. But the drinker is not the only one led astray. Think about the kids in the home. We all know drugs and alcohol can affect any family, but kids from divorced or separated homes and stepfamilies are five times as likely to live with someone with a substance abuse problem. I’m not casting stones; I just want to encourage you: if this is your family, please get help.
November 5, 2020
Hey Ron, are stepfamilies and adoptive families similar?
Adoptive parents and stepparents alike have to bond with kids by developing trust, learning how to read each other, and sharing life together. And they all learn that the pain of the past can’t be avoided. You can hope the past will not affect the bonding process but both families understand that avoiding pain and pretending it doesn’t matter, doesn’t get you anywhere, but moving through pain together does. Consider the past and build a relationship in the present are how you forge a family.
November 4, 2020
I just voted, and it feels great.
Not every day is election day but on that day it’s great to be able to cast my vote. To be heard is a privilege. Families are not democracies. Parents, stepparents, grandparents, whoever are the unelected leaders but they’re not dictators either. Wise is the parent who helps each family member find a way to have a voice. It’s not a vote, parents are still parents, but an opportunity to be heard. Listen to each other, share, discuss, and at times debate. Above all, talk to God and listen to Him.
November 3, 2020
Quick judgments often lead to foolish responses.
With little information we make quick judgments about the motives of politicians, celebrities, and our children. Proverbs 20 applies to all people but it certainly offers parents and stepparents wisdom. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,” it says, “but a man of understanding draws them out.” A wise parent probes with questions, listens, and slowly determines what motivated a child’s actions. Then they respond, not just to the outward behavior but to the character they seek to shape.
November 2, 2020
When you check into a hotel, it feels like home, right?
Walking into a hotel room with a suitcase to find an empty closet is a reminder you’re a visitor. That’s why I encourage co-parents not to make their kids pack a suitcase before going to the other home. That’s what visitors do. Sure, they’ll carry their cell phone and homework, but their closet should be filled with their stuff. Even the clothes they’re wearing are the child’s clothes, not yours. We call it visitation, but they’re not visiting. Make sure they know they belong in both homes.
October 30, 2020
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.