FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

A Rose By Any Other Name

August 17, 2018

“Ron, I’ve been a stepparent for fifteen years now. When is it going to happen?”

 

Stepparents say, “my kids,” when referring to their stepchildren so they sometimes wonder why kids struggle to use the term, “mom" or "dad” when referring to them. Well, kids are loyal to their parents and they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Reserving the “mom” or “dad” label for just one person keeps it special. Stepparents, just relax about this. Labels are not the issue. Your role in the life of each child is. And that rose, by any other name, does smell just as sweet.

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My single dad friend asked me a great question: “Should I get married someday?”   As far as the kids are concerned, no one can really say whether single parents should or should not remarry. Research confirms that kids raised in single parent homes do just as well as kids raised in stepfamily homes, so you’ll have to balance your needs and theirs and trust God with your decision. And if you’re divorced, consider what scripture says about reconciliation. No one can predict what’s best for your family but we can predict that trusting God will lead you down the best road.
August 16, 2018
Did you see the SNL skit about stepmoms? No, you didn’t.   Saturday night live has some funny skits but thankfully they never aired their sketch My Little Stepchildren. It advertises the perfect doll for children who want to play the wicked stepmother. Some kids gut instinct is to go dark, the skit claims. Really? Look perpetuating negative stereotypes that harm family relationships is going dark. The Bible says, “Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.”
August 15, 2018
One way we honor our father and mother is to care for them as they age.   Numerous studies report that far fewer adult stepchildren think it their obligation to care for a stepparent like they would a biological parent. So aging couples can’t assume adult children will be there for the stepparent—and parents and kids need to talk through their expectations of one another. Now, adult children here is a thought. You may not think of your stepparent as family but one way to honor your biological parent is to care for their spouse.
August 14, 2018
So, what is your stomach saying after missing a meal?   It's growling--feed me! Well, imagine you missed 120 meals. I think your stomach is screaming. After fasting for 40 days, Luke 4 tells us Jesus was hungry. What an understatement! So, the devil temped him with food. Jesus replied, “Man shall not live by bread alone.” Ok, lesson 1: Satan knows what we’re hungry for. Lesson 2: denying yourself what is temporary for what is eternal is always the right call. Strive to trust your vulnerabilities to the Bread of Life, the One who truly satisfies.
August 13, 2018
Let me ask you a question. Do you enjoy hanging out with people who are harsh, angry, and difficult to get along with? Yeah, me neither. Veteran stepparents often give this advice--Round off your rough edges. If you’re a naturally angry, critical, quick-tempered, controlling, or stubborn person guess what? Don’t expect your stepchildren to warm up to you. Or your spouse to trust their kids with you either. I’m constantly amazed how some people think that just because they are an adult, they can treat a child poorly and still expect the child to like and honor them. No, round off your rough edges and be likeable.
August 10, 2018
Have you ever found yourself pushing away someone who means a lot to you? What’s that about? When we feel insecure in a relationship we sometimes push the other person away so we don’t get hurt. One dad wrote to me, “I have a fear of trusting my new wife. So I push her away and at the same time I draw my kids closer.” In a blended family when one spouse draws close to their kids, to the detriment of their marriage, we have a big problem. So, what should this guy do? He should ask God for help to find out what he’s afraid of and start loving in spite of the risk with his whole heart.
August 9, 2018
Public embarrassment and humiliation, is not a good form of punishment. When Kelsey turned 13 she and her mother celebrated by getting highlights in her shoulder-length hair. But later her dad and stepmom chopped off Kelsey’s hair for getting the highlights. We don’t know why. The pictures and Kelsey’s humiliation sparked outrage online. Okay, I don’t know every side to this story, but what I do know is that a child was hurt in the crossfire of former spouses. Please don’t do that to your kids. And somebody, please give the Kelsey’s of the world a hug.
August 8, 2018
Blended families…this is us. Occasionally I get a look from a pastor or church leader like, “Why should we need to start a stepfamily ministry? Well, listen to these stats. The “Sandwich generation” couples—they have at least one parent still living and children of their own--now, for the first time, over half have either a stepparent or stepchild relationship--52%. And for sandwich couples under 55 the rate goes up to 62%. Increasingly blended families are going to be the norm of the future. Blended families, this is us.
August 7, 2018
Why can’t I see about me, what others see? Humans have an uncanny ability to justify their own behavior. Have you noticed that in others? Of course, not in yourself. Proverbs 30 tell us that the adulteress eats, wipes her mouth and says, “I have done no wrong.” What allows her—and us—to do this is a lack of humility. Humility readies our heart to be convicted by the Holy Spirit and without it, we can justify anything. Why not spend 10 seconds asking God to give you a humble heart. Then see about yourself what you previously couldn’t see.
August 6, 2018
Hey, in your opinion, what fast-food restaurant has the best customer service?   Customer service varies. In one restaurant, they smile and eagerly serve, while the next one does the opposite. Proverbs 11 suggests, “A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.” Simple kindness goes a long way whether we’re talking customer service or relationships. Try this experiment. For the next 24 hours, treat everyone in your home with kindness and see if it doesn’t bring benefit to you, too.
August 3, 2018
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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