5 to 1 Ratio
November 1, 2017
00:00
Do you want a good marriage? Start by doing some math.
Marital researcher John Gottman found that healthy long-term couple relationships maintain a 5 to 1 ratio of positives to negatives. In other words, they make five deposits for every one withdrawal. For every act of selfishness, there is one act of kindness and sacrifice. You know, no one puts money in your financial bank but you and if you don’t invest, you’ll have nothing for the future. The same is true for your marriage. Besides, the dividends you get in return are well worth the investment.
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.
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What do you believe about stepparenting?
True or false? When stepparents do a good job, kids don’t need to see their other biological parent? False. If you were stern with your children you should parent your stepchildren the same way? False. Loving stepparents naturally feel as much affection for their stepchildren as they do their biological children? False again. You know believing things like this can sabotage a family. Good intentions can bring heartache. So how did you do? Learn anything? Come visit us. We’d love to help.
October 31, 2017
Hell hath no fury like a woman scored. Or anyone else for that matter.
Someone “scorned” has had their love rejected and they can be vicious. Proverbs 27:3 says, “Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy”? When someone feels threatened they get jealous and cause more pain. Anything can be a threat to a relationship. It’s up to us to weed threats out. Prioritize your commitments. Stay in tune with what feels threatening to your kids, spouse, and friends. Make little decisions that honor and move you towards those you care about.
October 30, 2017
Hey, would you line-dry your underwear in front of your house?
Why would you air your dirty laundry online? I saw these on Facebook. “I resent my husband for making me care for his kids.” “My stepkids wrote me a letter of my faults and failings today.” “My stepdaughter treats me like I’m invisible.” Hey, talking poorly online about members of your home is not a good idea. It’s like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube. Once it’s out there, you can’t get it back. Yes, you need a trusted friend with whom you can commiserate. But that’s not the internet.
October 27, 2017
Parenting sure is rewarding, but tough work. So, whenever possible—get out of the way.
Whenever possible, let reality be the teacher. I recently learned you can’t park along the National Mall in Washington, D.C. after 4 p.m. How did I learn that? I got a ticket. We want to prevent our children from experiencing distress but when we protect them from the natural consequences of their choices, we steal their opportunity to learn lessons that stick. If they don’t start a school project until the last minute, it’s not your deadline to meet. Get out of the way and let life teach.
October 26, 2017
True or false: it generally takes stepfamilies six months to a year to become stabilized?
Answer: False. It takes most blended families two or three years to stabilize and five to seven years to establish a family identity. What? Two to three years? Well, think about it. If you move your family to a new city, experts tell us it takes a couple of years to find a doctor, a church home, and make friends. You know, to feel at home. Why would it not take two families a few years to figure out how to merge? Hey, you can’t rush time. Just make good use of it.
October 25, 2017
When you check into a hotel, it feels like home, right?
Walking into a hotel room with a suitcase to find an empty closet is a reminder you’re a visitor. That’s why I encourage co-parents not to make their kids pack a suitcase before going to the other home. That’s what visitors do. Sure, they’ll carry their cell phone and homework, but their closet should be filled with their stuff. Even the clothes they’re wearing are the child’s clothes, not yours. We call it visitation, but they’re not visiting. Make sure they know they belong in both homes.
October 24, 2017
Compassionately correcting a friend is an act of love.
Today’s culture says that it’s loving to be tolerant. I have my truth, you have yours, and anyone who suggests otherwise is intolerant and unloving. Contrast that to God’s word, Proverbs 27: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Real love, God says, is willing to correct a friend or a loved one—that is evidence of love, but saying nothing, is withholding love. It’s weak and selfish. Don’t’ be intimidated about graciously and kindly sharing truth. Sometimes it’s what love does.
October 23, 2017
Jennifer contacted us on social media. She was desperately trying to help her husband, her children’s stepfather, to be respected by her children and we wanted to help.
Early in a stepfamily, stepparents walk a tight rope as they build a relationship with kids and establish their role in the home. The tight rope for kids has to do with respect. When Jennifer’s husband would ask her kids to do something they would ask their mom if they had to do what he said. Obviously, they viewed her as the authority. This is a common dynamic. Her role is clear to them, his is not, so she needed to back him up and communicate that respecting him was also respecting her.
October 20, 2017
“Ron, we dated for two years and everything seemed great with my kids. But the day we got married, out of no-where, they changed their tune.”
That’s a common story. They’re confused and wonder what they missed before the wedding. I point out that kids are confused, too. They really did like the idea of the family and are often drawn to the stepparent and the stepsibilings but it’s not real until it’s real. Kids can’t anticipate how sad they will be or how displaced they’ll feel when everyone moves into together after the wedding. It has to become real for all of that to come to the surface. That’s when adults need lots of patience.
October 19, 2017
I’m constantly amazed at how we keep moving the morality line.
A survey in America examined whether people thought things like flirtatious texting was cheating on your spouse. Opinions varied but what surprised me was how people transformed black and white lines into gray. About 20% of Christians said a one-night stand or ongoing sex with someone other than your spouse was NOT cheating. What? You know what would clear this up. Ask your spouse if they would consider you having a one-night stand cheating. I bet the line is clearly drawn then.
October 18, 2017
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.