START YOUR WEEK WITH HOPE ON 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙈𝙖𝙣’𝙨 𝘽𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙋𝙤𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙩

Licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes continue their deep dive into the role of empathy in sexual integrity recovery. Building on last week’s episode, they explore how empathy creates safe spaces, how to practice self‑empathy, and how to sit with a betrayed spouse in her pain without becoming defensive or shutting down.

In this honest conversation, they move from theory to practice—showing how men can learn to feel with others instead of just trying to fix them or escape the discomfort.

Why Safe Spaces Matter in Recovery

JJ and Doug explain that empathy is not an outcome but a process—a way of relating heart‑to‑heart that makes recovery groups, counseling, and marriages safer for honesty.
They describe how a man’s history with emotions (rage-filled homes, emotionally numb homes, or shame-based church experiences) shapes his reactions to intense feelings today: shutting down, running away, judging, or shaming.

Key idea: Empathy allows men to move from “fix it or flee” to staying present—even when emotions are big and messy.

Is Empathy Just Enabling Bad Behavior?

Doug tackles a common fear: “If I’m empathetic, am I just giving someone a pass?” He clarifies that behavior and empathy are different categories.
Behavior can be sinful and destructive (porn, affairs, acting out).
Empathy is about joining someone in their emotional reality, not excusing their choices.
Using the “hole and ladder” picture, they contrast:
Sympathy: standing at the top of a 20‑foot hole, saying, “Man, that looks rough. Sorry,” and walking away.
Empathy: bringing a ladder, climbing down, sitting knee‑to‑knee, and saying, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll feel this with you until we climb out together.”

Takeaway: Empathy connects to the heart; firm boundaries still address the behavior. Both are needed for real recovery.

Learning Self‑Empathy: Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes

JJ and Doug then unpack why the hardest person to empathize with is often yourself—and why that’s dangerous for recovery. Sexual addiction feeds on self‑hatred, guilt, and shame; without self‑empathy, those conditions stay fertile.

They offer practical ways to develop self‑empathy:

Meditate on Scripture, not just read it
Romans 8:1 – “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Rather than treating verses like a checklist, they encourage creating a “top 10” list of compassion‑centered scriptures and marinating in them until they sink into the heart.
Write your own “Psalm of Compassion”
Compile verses that speak to God’s tenderness and forgiveness.
Read it when you feel shame, defeat, or the urge to act out, reminding yourself who you are in Christ.
Journal your shame and temptations honestly
Capture the lies you’re tempted to believe (“I’m hopeless,” “I’ll always fail”).
Counter them with truth from Scripture and from conversations with safe people.
Let others speak truth into your shame
In groups, counseling, or trusted friendships, talk openly about self‑hatred and guilt so others can remind you of God’s compassion and your true identity.

Big picture: As men receive empathy from God and others, they become more capable of treating themselves with kindness rather than contempt—undermining the shame cycle that fuels acting out.

Empathy Toward a Betrayed Spouse

Most listeners have not only sinned sexually; they’ve also deeply wounded someone they love. JJ and Doug spend significant time on why empathy for a betrayed spouse is central—not optional—to sexual integrity recovery.

Why her pain matters for your recovery:

Empathy helps a husband validate his wife’s experience: “I see you, I hear you, I recognize the danger and betrayal my choices created for you.”
Instead of viewing her triggers and questions as “attacks,” empathy allows him to see them as expressions of real trauma and grief.

How to practice this in real life:

Name what she is feeling: “I hear how unseen, unsafe, and unprotected you feel because of my choices.”
Stay grounded, not defensive:
Keep the “connection brain” on instead of flipping into fight/flight/freeze.
Remind yourself: God is my shield and defender; I don’t have to self‑protect right now. I can stay present in her pain.
Use “words, eyes, touch” wisely (a phrase they borrow from colleague Laura McDonald):
Words: gentle, validating statements that focus on her experience, not your defense.
Eyes: soft eye contact that communicates, “I’m here and I’m listening.”
Touch: only when appropriate and welcomed, as a connection—not control—gesture.
Drop “at me” from your internal script:
Instead of “She’s mad at me,” reframe to “She’s in pain.”
This shift keeps you from personalizing her emotions and helps you stay with her rather than retreat.

Result: Over time, empathy helps rebuild trust—not by erasing consequences, but by consistently joining her in her pain while living out changed behaviors.

Practice, Don’t Just “Know” It

JJ closes by challenging listeners not to treat this as interesting information but as a skill to practice:

Look for real-life opportunities (in group, with a spouse, with friends) to try empathy—even if it feels clumsy at first.
Expect to “miss it” sometimes, and then:
Journal what happened.
Ask, “Where did I get defensive, shut down, or try to fix instead of feel with?”
Adjust and try again next time.

Doug compares it to learning a curve ball: understanding the mechanics is helpful, but growth happens through repeated attempts, grace for missteps, and ongoing feedback.

Featured Resources & Next Steps

1. Every Man’s Battle Intensive

A 3‑day, Christ‑centered workshop to:

Bring sexual struggles into the light
Learn practical tools for integrity and emotional connection
Practice empathy with trained counselors and a brotherhood that “gets it”

👉 Learn more & register:

https://newlife.com/workshops/every-mans-battle/

Use promo code 𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐏𝐎𝐃 if you’re a first‑time attendee to receive a discount on your registration.

2. Ongoing Groups & Resources

Every Man’s Battle Groups & Sustained Victory – Weekly groups that help men keep practicing empathy, honesty, and accountability after the workshop.
Sexual Integrity Resources – Articles, tools, and next steps to keep growing in sexual integrity and emotional maturity.

👉 Explore sexual integrity resources:

https://newlife.com/blog/category/sexual-integrity/