📻 START YOUR WEEK WITH HOPE ON 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙈𝙖𝙣’𝙨 𝘽𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙋𝙤𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙩

Licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes welcome back Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Marc Cameron, New Life LIVE panelist and author of Understanding Your Attachment Style, for part two of their deep dive on attachment styles and sexual propensities. In this episode, they unpack the Vacillator and Chaotic/Disorganized (Controller–Victim) patterns, then paint a hopeful picture of what it looks like to become a secure connector—even if you never had that growing up.​​

If you haven’t heard Episode 4 yet (Avoider & Pleaser), listen to that first and then jump into this continuation. Together, these episodes help men see why their sexual struggles are not random, but tied to how they learned to relate, attach, and cope long before pornography or affairs entered the picture.​​

☎️ 𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐒 & 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐔𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍:

“What does the Vacillator look like sexually?”

Marc explains that Vacillators (anxious, preoccupied / ambivalent) grew up with inconsistent connection—a parent who was sometimes very present and sometimes absent due to travel, divorce, deployment, or instability. They learn to idealize connection, then protest when they feel let down, creating a push‑pull dynamic of intense pursuit followed by angry withdrawal. Dating can feel intoxicating: rapid emotional bonding, oversharing, and early sexual involvement, but once real life surfaces and the idealized picture collapses, Vacillators can flip from “you’re my soulmate” to “I’m done” almost overnight, often mistaking dopamine‑driven intensity for true intimacy.​​​

“Is the Vacillator more ‘love‑addicted’ than sex‑addicted?”

JJ and Marc contrast the Avoider’s tendency toward sex addiction (using porn and sex as stress relief) with the Vacillator’s vulnerability to love addiction—chasing the high of romantic intensity and the fantasy of “the one.” Vacillators often believe there is a single perfect person who will finally meet their every need; when that illusion breaks, they detach and go looking for someone new who reignites the feeling.​​

“How does this show up in marriage and affairs?”

In marriage, Vacillators may start with high passion and frequent sex, especially as a way to feel reassured that the connection is real and not going away. When disappointment sets in, conflict escalates: the Vacillator protests with criticism and complaints, while an Avoider spouse often shuts down or withdraws, creating a classic Avoider–Vacillator cycle. Vacillator affairs tend to be framed as “I’ve fallen in love with someone else,” not just one‑night stands; they see the affair partner as a new ideal, while their spouse becomes the symbol of disappointment and lost connection.​​

“What about the Chaotic/Disorganized style—Controller and Victim?”

Marc describes Chaotic/Disorganized attachment as forming in homes marked by danger, abuse, addiction, and neglect, where the child’s primary task is survival. Over time, some become Controllers, having learned that in relationships “one person is in charge and the other is powerless,” while others become Victims, developing learned helplessness and trying to stay under the radar to minimize harm. In adulthood, Controllers and Victims often find each other and repeat the abuse cycle; touch has been paired with fear and adrenaline, so sex may become fused with pain, humiliation, and high‑risk behaviors rather than comfort and connection.​​

“How do sexual dynamics work between Controllers and Victims?”

For Controllers, sex is unilateral and utilitarian—it is something they demand when they want it, often as a way to discharge anger, exert power, or regulate their own nervous system. Victims may endure degrading or painful sexual acts primarily to stay safe and “keep the abuser calm,” seeing sex as damage control rather than mutual pleasure or intimacy. Marc notes that these patterns are tragically common yet often hidden, and that Controllers and Victims are among the least likely to seek help because of deep shame and an aversion to revisiting their traumatic story.​​

“Are my parents just to blame for all this?”

Marc is clear: attachment styles are explanations, not excuses. Parents themselves usually carried their own insecure attachment histories, and generational patterns can pass down even without malicious intent. Insecure attachment is not about assigning blame, but about understanding the strategies a child learned to survive—and then taking responsibility, as an adult, to recondition those patterns.​​

“So what does a secure connector look like sexually and relationally?”

Secure connectors grew up (more often than not) with caregivers who noticed feelings, named them, invited expression, and soothed distress, teaching the child that emotions are manageable and relationships can be safe. These adults can admit mistakes, ask for help, exercise impulse control, set and respect boundaries, and use words—not acting out—to express what’s going on inside. In sex and intimacy, secure connectors can make eye contact, care about their spouse’s experience, accept no, repair conflict, and see sex as the overflow of emotional connection, not just a release or a test of worth.​​​

“Can I become secure if I never had that growing up?”

Yes. Marc explains earned secure attachment: the process, supported by decades of attachment and neuroscience research, of re‑shaping your relational style in adulthood. The steps include:

1. Recognizing your attachment pattern and how it keeps you stuck.
2. Developing a coherent narrative—making sense of your childhood story instead of avoiding it.
3. Leaning toward the “opposite” growth goals (for Avoiders, learning to feel; for Pleasers, boundaries and voice; for Vacillators, integration and staying; for Controllers/Victims, safety, humility, and help).
4. Practicing new relational behaviors repeatedly, like reps in a gym, until your brain literally rewires.​​

“How does all this connect to spiritual growth and sanctification?”

Marc and JJ link attachment work to spiritual maturity, arguing that “you can’t be spiritually mature and emotionally insecure at the same time.” God is the ultimate secure connector, parenting his children with attunement, comfort, limits, and steadfast love; learning secure attachment is part of becoming more like Christ in how we relate. They encourage listeners to “pick their pain”—either the pain of staying stuck in old patterns, or the pain of growth that leads to freedom, intimacy, and lasting sexual integrity.​​

📚 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐂 𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐎𝐍’𝐒 𝐁𝐎𝐎𝐊 & RELATED RESOURCES

(Consider linking these in your show notes/store.)

1. 𝙐𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝘼𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙎𝙩𝙮𝙡𝙚 – Marc Cameron
2. A step‑by‑step guide to identifying your attachment style and “earning” secure attachment in your closest relationships; available through the New Life store and other major booksellers, including an audio version read by Marc.​​ ​​https://store.newlife.com/category/primaryfeature/understanding-your-attachment-style
3. 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙒𝙚 𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 – Milan & Kay Yerkovich
4. The foundational “love styles” and attachment resource that shaped New Life’s teaching and undergirds Marc’s work on individual healing.​​ store.newlife.com/purchase/how-we-love-expanded-edition
5. Sexual Integrity Resources – New Life
6. Articles, studies, and tools on breaking sexual strongholds, integrating attachment work, and building healthy intimacy.​ https://newlife.com/blog/category/sexual-integrity/

🎟 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐋 𝐎𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐑 – 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐍’𝐒 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐕𝐄

Ready to address the attachment roots of your porn use, affairs, or sexual acting out?

Use code 𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐏𝐎𝐃 when you register for the Every Man’s Battle Intensive to save on your tuition. This 3‑day, in‑person workshop helps men confront sexual sin, understand deeper drivers like attachment and trauma, and step into Christ‑centered brotherhood and accountability.​​

If finances are a barrier, scholarships and financial assistance may be available—call 800‑NEW‑LIFE to ask about options so cost doesn’t keep you from the help you need.​​

📧 𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐔𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 & 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

Want extra tools and follow‑up content for Season 3?

👉 Email

EMBpodcast@newlife.com

with “Bonus Content” in the subject line to receive exclusive Every Man’s Battle Podcast resources.​​

Have a question or topic suggestion?

👉 Email

EMBpodcast@newlife.com

with “Podcast Question” in the subject line.​​

☎️ Need prayer, a counselor, or more info on workshops and groups?

👉 Call 800‑NEW‑LIFE or visit NewLife.com.​​

🎧 Discover more ways to listen & watch:

👉 Every Man’s Battle Podcast hub:

https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/

​

👉 New Life LIVE & other podcasts:

https://newlife.com/podcasts/

​

#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #AttachmentStyles #Vacillator #Controller #Victim #SecureConnector #UnderstandingYourAttachmentStyle #ChristianMen #FreedomFromPorn #RecoveryJourney #BiblicalManhood #ChristianCounseling