Richard Ellis Talks

Richard Ellis: If you're supposed to be married, you say, "Well, you complete me." Jesus better complete you before you say another person's going to complete you. Because if you're not complete when you get married, you say, "Well, it's 50-50, or it's my other half." There is no other half. You better be whole when you get married if you get married, or you're going to have a hole in that relationship.

Guest (Male): Welcome to Richard Ellis Talks with Richard Ellis. Thank you for allowing us to share this time with you. You may be stuck in traffic or stuck in life. Either way, today's message is going to help you get on the right track as you learn how much God loves you right where you are.

Richard's unique style checks all the boxes with a lot of hope, insight, truth, and of course, humor. Today's talk with Richard will get our conversation started, but we want to keep it going with you. So let's stay in touch through our website, richardellis.com. But right now, let's go ahead and get right into today's talk. Here's Richard Ellis.

Richard Ellis: The title of this message is Single or Double. So whether you know this or not, I got called to preach at 14, barely got out of seminary without killing myself, went into business for 10 years, and during those years, slowly moved back into doing some ministry. And that was in a big church in a singles ministry. I taught a class, and my deal was, I'm not going to do any more hand-me-down religion. If I know it, I'll give that.

The co-teacher with me, he was basically the coroner of Dallas, still alive. He'd do a Sunday, I'd do a Sunday, and we'd tag team in this singles class. Then I felt led to get back into ministry, and that church ended up hiring me. It took them a year; they were terrified of the thought of me working there. And you're laughing, but that's probably somewhat true. So they took a risk and hired me, and I became the singles minister in that church. I was over everything that was 18 to 80 and not married for whatever reason.

When I look back on that, and I'm not bashing anything anybody does, but I don't even know that I believe in singles ministry anymore. I'm going to tell you the difference. I believe in ministering to singles, but I don't know that I'm big on singles ministry, and here's why. Some churches, maybe not all, but some churches huddle unmarried people up like they're in some holding pattern until they find someone and become full-fledged adults in the church. And that's just not true biblically.

Whether you're married or single, we'll read this in a minute, the Bible says you are complete in Him. If you're supposed to be married, you say, "Well, you complete me." Jesus better complete you before you say another person's going to complete you. Okay? Because if you're not complete when you get married, you say, "Well, it's 50-50, or my other half." There is no other half. You better be whole when you get married if you get married, or you're going to have a hole in that relationship.

The only place in the world where anybody asks you these questions are single bars and churches. If someone came up to you in your company or someone came into your office and your boss said, "Oh, this is Robert, one of our fine single employees," you'd look at him like, "Have you lost your mind? What does that have to do with anything?" But we separate people out based on married or single.

Genesis chapter two. So God makes everything, everything is good, He calls it all good. Then in verse 18: "And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone. I will make a helper comparable to him.'" Now there's some people that read this and go, "See, men can't be alone, but women can, I don't need a man." Now that's not the word used here. This is talking about mankind, human beings. It's not good for mankind to be alone, and in this case, a helper, Eve, is made as a helpmate, not a maid, for Adam. It's to come along, be an equal, yet Adam is supposed to lead.

And by the way, we're all in this mess that we're in, it's not Eve's fault. It's the Adamic sin, the Adamic nature. Because the enemy approached Eve and it says, "And Adam her husband who was with her." He stood there and said nothing. He should have spoken up and said, "No, we were told, he didn't say we couldn't touch it, but we're not to eat it," and walk away. So men not leading, big problem.

So you say, "Well, but there's proof God wants everybody to be married." I don't believe that's true. Now, I think there are people who are single for a season, there are other people who are single for a reason, okay? Now those reasons can be varied. But one of the reasons can be that you've had a conversation with God and He has told you, "It's you and me, and marriage is not for you, and you're going to have an opportunity to serve me to the finish line, and are you good with that?"

And when He puts that on your heart, you say, "Yeah, but I'll be lonely," all those things people say, "Oh, it'll be terrible." If it's what God called you to do, it may involve some suffering, but it won't be terrible. And you won't be running around looking for pity. The Bible, if you read in Matthew chapter six, talks about fasting. And people think, "Oh, you can't tell anybody when you're fasting." The Bible doesn't say that anywhere. What it says is, don't walk around like, "Oh, pray for me, brother, are you okay? Oh, I'm fasting," right? "I'm fasting, just pray for me, I'm barely going to make it."

What does it say? "Wash your face, look normal," right? So you're not looking for pity. So if God has called you to live a single life and serve Him and be able to go and do things you couldn't do otherwise, you go, "Yeah, there's moments, but man, this is amazing," right? Because that's what He called you to do.

Go to Matthew chapter 19. In Matthew chapter 19, go down to verse 10. His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry." And this whole discussion of divorce and what should you do? But He said to them, "All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother's womb." So these are men who have been born without reproductive organs to at least have children. It's not that they could not be married, but they would never be able to have children.

They were that from their mother's womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men. So you say, "Well, that's horrible, who would castrate someone, turn them into a eunuch?" Well, the Bible nowhere says do this, but it's something that happened throughout history, specifically if there was a kingdom, a harem, and they had men tending to the harem, they did not want a man in there who could impregnate all these women, so they would castrate these men. We don't have to spend a lot of time on this. It sounds very painful.

And then there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it. So that's someone who says, "Yeah, I could get married, I could have kids, that's not what God told me to do." Now you say, "Well, I just pray that's not the plan God has for me." What if that's His plan for me? The prayer is, His will be done, right?

Now I'm about to read you some verses that'll make it pretty clear. I don't fall in this category because I don't do well alone. And honestly, my sweet wife doesn't fall in this category because she does better with someone, but I'm going to hope she would go with me. We kid sometimes about if something happened to me how fast she would be married. I give her six months, but we'll see. Maybe I'll report back somehow on that.

First Corinthians seven. So we're going to read through pretty much this whole chapter. I know this is unusual, but here we go. "Now concerning those things of which you wrote to me," so they're asking questions about something and he answers them in this letter. "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." Now, gentlemen, if you're going to highlight something in your Bible and you're not married, highlight that.

A lot of trouble starts when you start touching women. Don't touch women. And I'd be careful if you are married touching women. I'm a big hugger, but I'm careful with this, right? A woman is made to respond, you touch a woman and all of a sudden sparks fly and here we go.

Nevertheless, verse two, "Because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her." I read this the other day in the context of marriage. "And likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer, and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

"But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself." You'd be better off if you were single like me, basically is what Paul is saying. But if you cannot handle that, get married. "But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows, it is good for them if they remain even as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Now, the dilemma we have in our culture in our world today is, there's nobody burning. I'm not going to be by myself, I'm going to hook up, pick up, I'm going to do something, I'm going to find me somebody to do something with, because I'm not going to not take care of me, and I'll use somebody, I'll find somebody to use to take care of me. That's not what this is talking about.

What this is talking about is if you know you have an issue with this, and you say, "Well, God, there's no way I can be single, I'm just eaten up with lust or passion," then find a wife. If you're running around sleeping with everything that moves and then you say, "Oh well, the Bible says it's better to marry than to burn, I'm going to find a wife," you're likely to be picking amongst the women that you are sleeping with. And if that's who you are when you pick, and that's who she is when you pick, you got all kind of challenges short of just your picker being busted.

Let God work on your picker, I guess say these things very carefully. And get away from that lifestyle and say, "Okay Lord, the reason I'm desirous to be married is I'm not out there just random with people or hooking up with somebody, I'm trying to do the right thing and I realize, I'm not good by myself. So bring me somebody." But in the midst of this, what is he saying? Verse seven again: "For I wish that all men were even as I myself."

And you look at Paul's missionary journeys, you look at his life, he was able to go and do and travel. And you say, "Well, if he got married, what about his wife?" Why would you get married then abandon your wife? Right? And people say, "Well, missionary went off." I'm just not a fan. I did not get married to not be at home. So I may do a day trip, go speak somewhere, may go to a conference and be gone three days, but it is not a good thing for me to be gone and she does not like me gone.

That is good, because there are a lot of women go, "Yeah, plan a trip, get out of my house." Let's skip down a little bit. Verse 26. "I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife."

So now it's talking about being single. And there's a difference by the way, single because of divorce, different category. The only reason God allowed for divorce with Moses is the hardness of our hearts. We just lock up and I'm not doing this and he allowed for divorce. You can be unmarried because of death, widow, widower, divorce, or you never married.

But here he is saying, do not seek to be loose. So if you're married, stop trying to get out of your marriage. Back to verse 27 then, "Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you bound from a wife? Do not seek a wife." In other words, if you can, stay by yourself. Why would you stay by yourself? Because it's about serving Him. You say, "But I don't do well by myself." Then there's a good chance you're going to remarry, but again, make sure your picker's not busted.

How many people do I talk to, they end up divorced, they meet someone, boom, rebound, they're back with someone else, that blows up, now they're divorced the second time. Now they're slowing down a little bit. Remarry someone else and on the second one, first marriage about a 50 percent chance it won't work, second one is about a 76 percent chance it won't work, the third one is about an 86 percent chance it won't work. You would never get on a plane with that kind of track record. "Welcome to flight 1201, 86 percent of our flights crash, but board now." You're crazy people.

Go down to verse 32. "But I want you to be without care." This is the crux of what he's trying to say. "He who," now this is talking to men on this one. "He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord." Okay? That's your focus.

So a man who is single, not married, what is the benefit? He can focus on the things of the Lord. "But he who is married cares about the things of the world, how he may please his wife." Now there is nothing wrong with trying to take care of your wife and please your wife, but when you get married, everything changes.

I've described this a little bit. Before I was married, I had an apartment, shared it with a guy. We had, gosh, this is terrible even to think about. I had a mattress on the ground, a sheet. I think I had a sheet. I know I had a blanket. It's going to get gross here in a second. I had a pillow, a sheet, a blanket because the less stuff you have as a man, the less stuff you got to wash, if you're washing stuff, of course, that would be the other thing. If you don't wash it, you just throw it away and get some replacement. That was the bedroom.

In our living room, we had a TV because you got to have a TV. We had an Naugahyde recliner that was cracked where you could injure yourself just getting in and out of it, but you could lay back in that and fall asleep. Refrigerator. And I had a Parkay butter container by the sink with a spoon. All the men know exactly what I'm talking about, raise your hand. Parkay butter, spoon, milk, cereal, you're home, baby. And you eat your cereal out of that deal, you rinse it out right there and you put it right back there. Good to go.

And then I fell in love. I got everyday dishes, I got china, I got a warehouse, I got dead people's stuff in that warehouse. I got a dishwasher you got to load and unload. See, if you don't make any trash, you don't have to take trash out. Now, you say, "Well, are you complaining?" I wouldn't go back for anything. But men alone, it's very simple.

So on a moment's notice in that situation, if God said, "Go to Afghanistan, go wherever," I'm out, I'm gone. But now what, and again I'm not complaining, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, the second you get married, what happens? These verses kick in. "He who is married cares about the things of the world, how he may please his wife."

So now she goes to the store, buys dead people's stuff. Now I got dead people's stuff in my house. And then we're going to die and now it's our dead, we're the dead people and somebody else buys the dead dead people's stuff. It's just a crazy loop. But because I love my wife, I love this process. But I'm telling you, I don't have as much time as I would by myself.

You say, "Well, why did you get married?" Because that's not the gift that I have. I do not have the gift of being single. But if you do have the gift of being single, whether you like it or not, you say what the world says, "That should not be a thing, they're waiting on me to get married." What if God is waiting for you to settle in on this is His plan for your life? Then you go, "So I don't have to keep looking around."

You say, "But what if I say okay, I'll be single and I'll live for You, Lord, and then He shows up with somebody?" Well, I guess He brought you somebody. But this is a dangerous thing to be in our culture and in the world today, to be sitting on your rear end waiting for someone to show up. If you're a Christian, someone has already shown up. It's Him. He lives in you, He lives through you. You can serve, you can follow Him, trust Him, on a dime go where you're supposed to go.

And then if someone shows up, you go, "What is this, Lord?" He says, "Well, I brought you a mate." "Well, what's this going to be?" "Then I'm going to have to get all involved." Yep, this is another gift. I gifted you with being by yourself, now I'm gifting you a spouse.

Keep reading. Verse 34. "There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit, but she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband." And look how both of this, "the things of the world" and "how she may please her husband." So now this poor woman is focused on I got to take care of this man.

And frankly, I see a lot of women out there who once they get married, husband dies, and you think, "Will you get married?" "Oh, never get remarried, I don't want to mess with another man," right? You say, "Well, but don't they love their husbands?" Men are a pain in the butt. Can I get a witness on that? So women you think, well now, women going to have a home no matter what. See, this is the difference. The Parkay butter bowl, that doesn't work for most women. They're going to have a nest if it's just for them even.

But they don't have the encumbrance. A man is an encumbrance, I'm just telling you. This poor woman has to live with me. We had a couple's thing and went around our table and, you know, "What do you think prayer you need for your marriage?" I don't even pray for my marriage, I pray for me, because I can be just selfish, unkind. I don't want to say mean, but just unkind. And speak to her like I wouldn't speak to anybody else. That should not be. "Well, I'm just tired." Okay, get some rest, stop talking to your wife that way.

Verse 35. "And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper and that you may serve the Lord without distraction." Now, let me go ahead and read you Matthew 22:30. This is not a very popular verse unless you're really unhappily married. Matthew 22:30. "For in the resurrection," that means when we get to heaven, "they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like the angels of God in heaven."

So all this romantic, all the Hallmark cards, all this mess, "We'll be together forever." That's true. You will not be married forever. That spouse you're sitting next to, married to, marriage is a gift for life until somebody dies. And I understand this because I bury people and they talk about, "Oh and Charlie's with Betty now, right? And they're back together in heaven." No, they're not. They're in heaven together, but they're not back together married. That's not in the book. Okay, so don't be telling people, because then there're stories in the Bible where thank God you don't live back then.

Because if you were married and your husband died and he had a brother, the brother had to marry you. Think of the brothers in your family. And if he died, another brother kicked in. Now you're married to the third brother, and if he died, another brother, another brother, another brother. They went down like six brothers. You can't escape that family and if that's a nightmare. And the question was, well, in heaven, who's she going to be married to? And there's the answer: no marriage given in marriage.

And I have shared this before and I know I won't be this way on the other side. But still, my only sadness, maybe there's a couple of sadnesses. One of my sadnesses, and I don't think I'll know this when I get there, is that there will be people not there, but I don't think I'll know that or I'd be sad in heaven. But she will not be my wife in heaven and that saddens me on this side because it's just I love the woman and I'd like to be her husband forever. But that's not how it works. Okay?

So if you are married and God has gifted you married, it is just that, marriage, it is a gift. And if you are single and you know God has given you that gift, it is a gift. Treat it as such. And don't act like you're a second-class citizen, right? Because you got the ability to do certain things, go certain places, be on call, boom, boom, boom, anytime, let's go.

Guest (Male): Before Richard comes back to wrap things up for us today, I'd like to share a couple of important things with you. Let me encourage you to take a minute and check out our website, richardellis.com. You'll find today's talk right there in the talks page along with all of Richard's audio and video messages. You can even forward them to a friend so they can hear them too.

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Richard Ellis: So what's the bottom line? Whether you eat or drink, do all the glory of God. Okay? So you're rocking along and you go, you know, I think God wants me to just stay by myself. You're not by yourself, you have the body of believers, all of us. But I think God intends for me to be single. Okay. Let's celebrate that. Enough of looking at people like, well, maybe something's wrong there. No, maybe something's really right.

And if someone else does not have the gift of not being married, okay, they get married. But either way, let's live godly lives, holy lives where God is being served and we're not acting like everybody else in the world that have lost their minds. And if you want a real example of this, and I'm not saying this is your reason, but Jesus showed up, and there's not much mention of anything for the first 30 years.

The Bible says He was tempted in all manner of sin as we are, yet without sin. Don't you think for a second Jesus didn't see some hot women? Right? You say, "Oh, I don't want to think about that." Young man living on the same planet, you think He didn't have desires? The difference is, He did not let His desires take Him over, and He came to live, to suffer and die, be buried and raised from the dead.

Now as it turns out, I did a sermon about this years ago called "Jesus' Fiancé." Turns out there is a wedding coming for Jesus. And we are that bride. So you say, "Well, Jesus never got married." Not yet. But the wedding feast of the Lamb involves a bride that He came to get.

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