New Life LIVE

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hey everyone, it's New Life LIVE. Welcome to the show. I'm Brian Perez. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today, so grab an open line. The sooner you call in, the better of a chance you'll get on.

We've got licensed professional clinical counselor Becky Brown with us today. Are you with us there, Becky?

Becky Brown: I am here. I'm here. Can you hear me?

Brian Perez: Loud and clear. And Mark Cameron's here too. He's a licensed marriage and family therapist, author of a book called Understanding Your Attachment Style, which is available in the NewLife.com store. But Becky, how would you like to start us off today?

Becky Brown: I would love to start talking about June being Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. Since I'm the only female on the show today, I guess I have some expertise in talking about men's mental health. Just kidding.

You guys probably know this. There are a lot of myths surrounding men's mental health, such as mental health is not a man's issue. But the truth is, every person, every human on the planet has mental health issues. We go in phases. It's not always doom and gloom, but everybody, because we're thinking and feeling and emotional creatures created by God to experience life fully, that doesn't mean that men don't have feelings. They do.

Other myths that we talk about are real men need to tough it out. Pull up by your bootstraps, don't let it bother you kind of mentality. The truth is that asking for help can actually be the best bootstrap you pull up. It's interesting because we hear from men on the show all the time who call in with all kinds of issues that are troubling them, but that is the minority. We don't have a lot of cultural cues that say whether you're male or female, it's okay to ask for help.

The final myth that I'm just going to talk about today is that men don't struggle with depression or anxiety. We know that's a myth, but the truth is sometimes depression and anxiety can look like anger. This is true for men and women, but a lot of times, men deal with anger issues and don't realize that there's an underlying issue that is driving that.

We talk about this a lot at Every Man's Battle where it's not the pornography or the acting out that is the main issue. It's what's driving that behavior, what's driving the escape, the self-medicating. We see you guys.

I know that so many times when we think about men and women's issues, we are so unique, but God created us all with a soul and a spirit and our bodies. The challenges in men's mental health is that there are a lot of myths that keep them from asking for help.

I think about my own father who is with Jesus now, but later in his life, he grew up, he was born in '33. So back then, you did literally just struggle through. But towards the end of his life, he would ask me things like, "Why do I feel this way?" or "Where did this come from?"

I wasn't his personal counselor, but it was very big steps for somebody who had been raised to not talk about what bothers them. Brian and Mark, Mark, you're a therapist, so you know about what I'm talking about. Brian, you're learning it all along the way. But what would you say to any male that is out there listening to me right now in honor of their own mental health journey? What would you say to them?

Mark Cameron: I think you're 100% right, Becky. There's that unwritten code in society that men should be stronger and not seek help, or it's seen as if you're weak if you seek help. The homes that we grew up in actually can have a really big emphasis on whether we know how to understand and explore our emotions if they were welcomed by our parents.

You're right, there's often an overemphasis on male-female differences, but we all struggle and we all need help. We all need people in our lives. And so I encourage men listening out there to seek help and if you want to give us a call, we're here to help you today.

Brian Perez: That's what I would advise. 1-800-229-3000.

By the way, we have a new episode of our Every Man's Battle podcast. It's available on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts, also on the New Life app. On this episode, JJ and Doug answer two deeply honest questions that were submitted by listeners. You can find out what those questions are and Doug and JJ's responses when you watch that episode of the Every Man's Battle podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts.

Let's go to the phones now beginning with Rita in Irvine, who is listening to us on NewLife.com. Irvine, California. Welcome Rita to New Life LIVE.

Rita: Good morning. How are you?

Brian Perez: Doing well, thanks. So nice to hear from you. How can we help you?

Rita: I am thinking, and also a friend was telling me, that my husband might be a narcissistic. I just want to call you to find out for sure and then maybe a solution.

Brian Perez: Becky, we'll start with you.

Becky Brown: Of course I want to ask what is going on in your relationship, Rita, and what do you understand about narcissism?

Rita: What I understand about narcissism is that person is very selfish and not social with people, and that's about it.

What happens to my husband is ever since we got married, he hardly ever wants to do things. I feel like a phone call coming in, it's like a bothering to him. So not much interactions with outsiders, even with me as well. He just likes to be left alone. That is one side.

The other side is he also hoarders. He likes to shop for cheap things and then put them in the house. We live in Irvine, space is very limited, so then I would be like get rid of them and then it would become a lot of chaotic in the house.

He doesn't do much with the kids. Now that the kids are already in the teens, there's a lot of things that come from the kids that I feel that I try to shelter them, but I think there's a lot of effect on the younger one.

Becky Brown: Rita, that gives us a good picture. A lot of times, because we have exposure to a lot of information, we may hear a diagnostic term such as narcissist or narcissism and think that may be what we're dealing with.

What you described, and Mark, you can give your two cents on this, it describes to me a man who's suffering with depression and anxiety. When you describe things like the withdrawal that he has from you and from the family, even the hoarding issues that you described can also be part of that.

Usually with somebody who has narcissistic traits, they usually are, it's all about them and that the whole house has to rotate around their wants, their desires, their ideas and you are less than. I can see where maybe somebody would misconstrue the two only because his the attention about keeping the house calm and keeping it where he's not getting upset. I could see where maybe your friend might have thought that, but I think your husband may be struggling with some depression features, just the way that you described that. Mark, what did you hear?

Mark Cameron: I heard something similar, Becky. Rita, my question for you is has this been going on since you've known your husband, or is this something new or recent?

Rita: It has been basically all of our lives together, except when we were still dating, of course he was so pleasant. But even in the honeymoon I already felt something, and then since the first day of marriage he was already hiding himself.

Mark Cameron: And how long have you been married?

Rita: More than about 20 years.

Mark Cameron: This sounds like something that's more deeply ingrained. I agree with Becky, he could be suffering from some depression, definitely some anxiety here. Hoarding is a type of OCD behavior and that's anxiety-based. What I'm hearing too, when he's withdrawing and he doesn't want to do things, maybe there's some social anxiety there going on.

It's possible that he's also introverted too, but it doesn't necessarily mean that introverts don't like to be around people. It just means that they start to lose energy in crowds and they gain energy back by being by themselves.

I agree. I haven't heard anything that suggests that he's narcissistic. I don't want to throw another diagnosis out there into the mix, but I just want to get you thinking about things because if this has been going on for a long time, there's obviously something that is going on here that is a little bit atypical. Sometimes people who are on the autism spectrum, they're high-functioning, but they can have a lot of social anxiety or appear a little bit socially awkward.

Oftentimes sometimes without empathy because they're not really doing a good job picking up on or understanding other people's emotional states, and so they don't pick up on them well. So when somebody expresses something emotional or hurtful to them, they may not respond in a way that is typical for a person to do. I could see if that is happening where someone may then attribute that to, "Oh, that person's selfish," or they don't really care and maybe they're narcissistic here.

It sounds like there's more going on here. Have you ever sought any type of help or therapy together?

Rita: We've been through a lot of counseling. However, I see that it doesn't go deep enough for it to get resolved because I don't think he opens truly to what his hurts, what. I don't think it goes deeper because when all the things that he was given to do when he comes home, he doesn't do it. So then we finally got fired by these counselors several times.

Becky Brown: Rita, you are talking with Mark Cameron, who is expert at understanding those kind of challenges. I'm thinking Mark as Rita has been with him for so long and this has kind of been a pathway. I'm wondering, Rita, in those counseling sessions where it doesn't work out, have you ever gotten to what is his story? Do you know about his background and his struggles?

Rita: I know his story. He has been, whenever sometimes his son now is already teenagers sometimes would talk to him, and he would say that he never had a father who teach him things and stuff.

Becky Brown: That's one of the things that I was talking about in the beginning. He's suffering in silence, but then you get into a marriage and a family where there's all kinds of people, all kinds of feelings, and he was used to being left alone. He is very left alone.

So now, and especially with teenagers in the house, that can be a lot. But I think that if you would get connected, and we can connect you, with a therapist who understands attachment, Mark, would you agree with me on that one?

Mark Cameron: I 100% agree with you. Regardless of mental health diagnosis, our family homes shape us for relationships and connection. Depending upon what was explored with our emotional states growing up and what was allowed to be expressed, that gets imprinted upon us.

We're in our family homes for almost two decades and so we get shaped and conditioned to a certain way of what is oftentimes subconsciously allowed in relationships and how we go about getting our needs met. Then we just carry that on when we get into adulthood.

I would get into a, as Becky's suggesting here, let's put you in touch with a therapist who's familiar with attachment work. Help you guys understand one another's story so that you can have empathy, because you have a story too, Rita. You have expectations for relationships that's been shaped by your family growing up.

Understanding one another's stories is really key to building empathy. Then when we don't learn those skills growing up, we have to relearn them in adulthood. Getting a good couples therapist is also having someone as much explore your story, but also to coach you through certain conversations. That's where I think some of these other diagnoses can be identified when a therapist is watching you do these things and seeing where maybe there's other areas of struggle happening.

Becky Brown: I just want to emphasize what you're talking about, Mark, because Rita, you've got a valid criticism or complaint. There's nothing wrong with that. But when she said that she was going to counseling and then the counselor fired them, it's because if we're only looking at what the tip of the iceberg, we're ignoring where the core parts of their relationship are coming together. If you're a couple and you heard what Rita just called about and you're struggling with, "We just can't figure this out," don't be quick to throw on some sort of diagnosis because then you're going to start wrapping around that. Let's get to the core of what happened. What brought us together? What is the dynamic? And of course I would say get Mark's book.

Mark Cameron: Yeah, it's not to put anyone down, but everybody has limitations and every counselor has a certain approach and sometimes counselors get stuck and they don't know what to do. And so then they may quote unquote fire you because it's really them who's stuck and not you who's not doing the work.

Brian Perez: Rita, thanks for calling us today at New Life LIVE. Mark's book is a good one, Understanding Your Attachment Style. We've also got the How We Love book that's available. Stay on hold, we're going to connect you with someone in your area who will be able to help you and your husband. Thank you so much for calling.

1-800-229-3000 is the number to reach us in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next. Let's take another call. John, we'll get to you after we speak with Ruth in Pittsburgh, listening on NewLife.com. Welcome Ruth to New Life LIVE.

Ruth: Hello, thank you for taking my call.

Brian Perez: Of course. How can we help you?

Ruth: My question is, without giving you any background, is how can I approach my daughter after 30 years of finding out some horrific news that happened to her when she was a young child?

Brian Perez: What happened to your daughter, Ruth?

Ruth: When she was about seven or eight, her father took her into a crack house where they drugged her and passed her around.

Brian Perez: Oh, Lord. How did you find this out, Ruth?

Ruth: It was actually somebody that my daughter told this to just recently, told me 10 days ago, and asked that I don't get her involved in it. I understand that, but that's how I found out about it. I knew, I knew there was something. I knew there was something. I have tried to get my daughter mental health help for ever since she was probably like eight or nine years old. I knew something happened and she has kept it as a secret outside of speaking out to this third person for all the years.

Becky Brown: So your daughter told the third person.

Ruth: Yes.

Brian Perez: And the third person told you, Ruth.

Ruth: Yes, she actually held onto it for over a year before she said something to me.

Brian Perez: So now you're just wondering what do you do with this information.

Ruth: Yeah, this is a huge piece of the puzzle that I have been trying to figure out for all these years. I knew it was something. I had no idea it was so.

Becky Brown: Ruth, just before we go to the break, you were told by this person to not share it, right?

Ruth: My daughter, this third person did not say that my daughter did not ask them not to share, but the third person asked that I do not tell her where I heard it. So I just don't know how to approach my daughter and I feel like this is huge. This needs to be approached. I feel like calling her father and really giving him a piece of my mind, but I don't want to do anything until I know how to talk to my daughter.

Brian Perez: Ruth, we're glad that you called us before you called him. We will definitely give you some advice when we come back from the break here on New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000 is the number for you to call. Please keep Ruth's daughters in your prayers.

Guest (Female): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: And let's go back to Ruth in Pittsburgh. Are you still with us, Ruth?

Ruth: I am.

Brian Perez: Thanks for holding through the break. Becky, what did you want to ask Ruth?

Becky Brown: Sometimes when we hear big news like this, I mean I can hear it in your voice, you have received a revelation that has confirmed what you've struggled with. It confirms with trying to understand your daughter. I'm wondering how that impacts you as a mom. How old did you say she is now?

Ruth: I didn't say, but this was about 30 years ago. She's been holding onto this for 30 years.

Becky Brown: And do you, without this story, do you have a connection with her? Do you guys talk regularly? Is it combative? What's your relationship?

Ruth: I have to tell you, she lives with me with her children, and we have such a rocky relationship. She blames me for not protecting her for so many different things and I tried to get her to talk about it and she won't. And I will, and I will take the blame, and now I really have to take the blame. I'm not making excuses for myself.

Becky Brown: I know that and I'm not hearing it, but this is what I'm just glad that you said that because the dynamic of living with your daughter, even if she had the perfect background, you still are going to have some challenges just because if it's not one thing it's your mother.

The other thing is I don't want you to go into trying to fix what you recognize as, maybe I didn't do the right thing. As moms we have that guilt automatically, but this is traumatic. This is overwhelming and you have known for so long that something, you couldn't get to the thing, whatever the thing was. And now you know.

What I would say is for your next step, you need to process this with a therapist so that you can work through this so that you become a safe and regulated mom, even in the midst of having her and the grandchildren together. Going after the dad isn't going to help anything because it's 30 years ago. I mean you could prosecute, we could go that route if you want, but there's so many things that we need to be working on for a safe relationship between you and your daughter right now. Because you will become more of a support than somebody that she's trying to push away while she needs you at the same time. Mark?

Mark Cameron: This is really big news here, Ruth. I agree with Becky. I think you need to get some help and direction in the way that you approach this. It's going to be very key how you do that because this is big news for you so you're feeling a lot of emotions around it, but your daughter is obviously hesitant to bring it up and talk about it. And so she's going to need to feel safe and she's going to maybe need to feel contained too, depending upon if she's just not talking about this because there's a lot behind those floodgates here.

You need to be as regulated as possible to be able to be that safe person for her. At the same time, you may have to break this other person's confidence. Even in my therapy role and sometimes even in my role as therapist, there are certain confidences that we have to break when we find out about specific things like child abuse.

But when somebody says to me, "Can I tell you something and don't tell anyone else?" I really need to know what that thing is. I can't promise that before somebody tells me that. And then if afterwards they tell me something, again it depends upon what it is.

Now this is something that also indirectly impacted you. It was a betrayal by your husband and that affected your relationship and your connection with your daughter. So even though you weren't able to protect her back then and it makes sense if she says to you that you never protected her and now all of these pieces of the puzzle come together, you can learn how to protect her now. There are ways that this can be brought into the light, but yes you are her mom, but she's now an adult. You need to get her permission in the way that you bring this up to other people.

So you really need to partner with her and discuss this with her if you're going to bring this up to authorities or bring this up to her dad. I would start with Becky's suggestion, get in with a counselor and figure out a game plan of what is the best way to talk with your daughter about this and you may need to process this information first right now too with that counselor so that you don't go in so hot. So I would start there. I know for you you're just realizing this right now, but it has been 30 years. So you can wait probably another 30 days at least before bringing this up to her and that gives you that cool down period and that time to be able to process through this and gather your thoughts.

Becky Brown: It's such an important thing for people who have been victimized to be safe with the people who are closest to them and who are their helpers. And so yes, I so understand where you're coming from where you have this we've got to fix this and I'm going to go after the dad and there may be time to do that. But right now, I want you to be able to be supported and a good counselor will give you good direction on next steps, especially since you guys are living together. We want to have a better future for this daughter of yours and her kids.

Brian Perez: Ruth, our hearts go out to you with this news that you just got. So if everybody watching and listening can pray for Ruth and her daughter and the kids. And if you recently got some big news like this or something similar and you're wondering what to do next, you can call us here at New Life LIVE. We're going to be in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. If you're watching us on Facebook or YouTube, you can call in too. We've got the number there on the bottom of your screen. It's 800-229-3000.

Becky Brown: Hello, it's Becky Brown and I am so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways and it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd, they leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. And we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing.

99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433 or NewLife.com/9941.

Guest (Female): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: We're in the middle of a matching gift challenge right now here at New Life. I shouldn't even say in the middle of because we're almost at the match, aren't we, Becky?

Becky Brown: Yes, I'm so excited to say that we are just $70,000 away from meeting the match. Would you participate if you haven't already? You can go to NewLife.com and you can click on donate or you can text the word MATCH to 28950. Brian, I'm stealing your thunder, but I'm so excited about how people have responded to God asking them to participate in helping people hear new life, experience new life, and you can be part of that too.

Brian Perez: Yep, you can go to NewLife.com/match or call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text the word MATCH to 28950. And yeah, we're just $70,000 away from that, so that is reachable, maybe by the end of the day or the end of the week. We'll see.

1-800-229-3000 is the number to reach us in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next. And let's go to Dallas, Texas, speak with John, who listens to us on the iHeart app. Thank you John for calling into New Life LIVE.

John: You bet guys, thank you for taking my call. I just wanted to reach out and just kind of get some different ideas or perspectives, I guess. I have a stepson that I've known since he was one and a half and he's in his 30s now, early 30s, and him and his girlfriend pretty much abandoned the family a while back and they used to live about 10 minutes away from us and now they're living in Spokane, Washington without really any reason behind it and they don't talk to anybody in the family anymore at all. And there's more to it than that, but I'm just trying to get some different ideas or what your thoughts are. I never just never imagined that in my entire life that something like that would happen.

Brian Perez: What's up in Spokane? Is there a job opportunity or is that where her family is?

John: I don't know anything about that with her family. Maybe for him. But the situation was once upon a time, couple years back, they had planned on come over for Christmas, talked to us. My wife got his girlfriend something she wanted, but they never showed up, never called, never nothing.

The only thing I can think of is we had a couple we never had any run-ins with each other, there'd never been any animosity. My son has always been real clearheaded, very smart guy, very rational about everything, never had any problems talking to one another at all. There's never been anything obvious. So they ended up doing what they did. And like I said, I'm just not sure where to go with it exactly.

Becky Brown: John, did they say anything? You're saying that they just disappeared and somehow you found out that they're in Spokane? Or what was the communication connection there?

John: We found out because his mom looked for him and found him through her information. That's how we found them.

Becky Brown: Okay, so then my next question is, are they safe?

John: Yes. To my knowledge. I actually set up a wellness check with the police department out there and I done that a while back, probably a couple months ago or so. The first attempt, nothing came of it, basically they just seemed a lot odd or whatever. But then the next attempt, they were there and the officer said, "I really can't disclose much to you about anything, but he was there."

I said, "Well how do you know this is my son to begin with?" I told him kind of described to him. I said, "Did you get any information, license?" "No sir I didn't have to." And I said, "Okay, well how do you know that?" He goes, "Sir, trust me. I know this is your son." And I described him, he said, "Yeah, that's him." And he said, "One other thing I'll disclose to you. When I told him that you were looking for him, he broke down crying."

I don't understand that. And the only thing I can tell you briefly is that for many years growing up, their mom in our relationship has always sort of been she's here, but she's kind of been semi-checked out in her own life and their life. I've always been the one that doing most everything. I still love her and we're working on that.

Becky Brown: John, I got one more question about that. Did the police or do you have an address where they're located?

John: Yes.

Becky Brown: And have you sent them anything? Have you thought about going to visit?

John: No, I don't really know. I think this is possibly politically motivated.

Becky Brown: It could be, but here's the thing. The reason why I'm asking all these questions, John, is because I've heard from other families where a family member will just completely cut them off without warning, without explanation, without any response to any correspondence or phone calls or anything like that. When you said that your son's response that reported by the police that he was in tears, to me, without having a direct command from the family direct from your stepson to say, "Don't talk to me, don't call me," because we have some of those questions from time to time.

I think you just keep the door open and either I would even be so bold as getting in the car and go, but that's just me. But it doesn't matter what the reason is because this is the problem that we're having in the relationship is that you're both kind of isolating. I don't know what his motivation is, but neither do you. And to be able to stay connected until he says no, I think is a very important thing. But I will defer to Mark. You look deep in thought there, Mark. What do you got?

Mark Cameron: I agree with you, Becky. If my daughter or my son up and left and I didn't hear from them and there was no obvious apparent reason, I would be concerned and if I found out where they were, I would go there just to see. Are they physically okay? Did something happen? Are they being threatened in some way?

But I hear you, John, to say that they moved away for no reason, but people just don't move away for no reason and they don't just pick a spot to live in. And so there is a reason behind it. You just don't know what that is yet. Are there siblings? Do you have other kids? Do they have friends? Are you in touch with the girlfriend's family?

John: Let me add a little more to it. I do know pretty much one of the reasons they moved was because he struggled with work here, but then he went there, they went there. Now here's the other kicker too. He left behind an 11-year-old son that he was very closely connected to and his ex, they called and said, "Hey, we're moving. Would you want to move there with us?" She said, "I'm not going to just pick up my life and go like that."

And after they moved, he completely cut off contact with even his son and his son don't even hear from him anymore. And they do have another kid between them and this from what I understand the child might be autistic, which that can be a gigantic handful to anybody.

Mark Cameron: That is strange that he would leave behind his son and also invite the mother and the son to move over there. So he obviously cares about them and wants to be connected to them, but for some reason he's completely separated. So maybe you do what Becky says and I think you either write a letter or you might if you have the address, you might go there and find out what is happening until you get that, "No, leave us alone." But I would also explore if there's other siblings involved, if there's friends, if you know anyone in her family, I would ask these questions too because for you, it sounds like it's just very odd they just left for no apparent reason. I think do some due diligence and try and find out what that reason is.

Becky Brown: I'm also thinking too, Mark, just what you just said. John, your family, everybody who loves your stepson needs to be in the same room and have a conversation so that you all know what's happening. Because he's got a son that needs that story, you need the story, and we want them to do well wherever they are and we may not be part of their journey. But this questioning is concerning for everybody and we just need to finish that story and to stay connected where we can.

Brian Perez: All right John, thanks for calling us today here on New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today. Alexis, we will speak with you after we come back from the break and we want to talk to more people as well. That's why we're going to be in the studio for another hour. 1-800-229-3000.

Guest (Female): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: New Life LIVE is back. We started as a radio show and then internet, podcasts, YouTube, so much more. We're even on TikTok now. So check us out there, you can find us at New Life Ministries. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We're in the studio for the next hour to talk about whatever you want to talk about, maybe people-pleasing or so much more.

We're going to go to the phones right now. Here is Alexis listening to us in Annapolis on WAVA. Welcome Alexis to New Life LIVE. How can we help you?

Alexis: Hi. I just wanted to get an opinion on how I should navigate through my situation. I was married in October of 2023. Prior to that, late August, early September, I found out my now husband was cheating on me and he ended up getting the other woman pregnant.

Just because of the close time frame to the wedding and the amount of money that was already invested into the wedding, I was embarrassed and obviously hurt by it. So I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell my parents. I continued on with the wedding.

To today present, sometimes we have really good strong moments where we're good. Other times things are questionable. When I go to him and ask about it, it's usually deflected. I wonder how I'm able to move forward.

Mark Cameron: And when you say it's deflected, Alexis, tell us a little bit more about that.

Alexis: He'll try to deny everything. Certain things is questionable. So if I see him following someone on Instagram or liking other female stuff, I'll be like, "Hey, what's this about?" or certain things I just find on his phones, like websites or just small things. It may seem small to other people, but just because of the trauma that caused me, to me it's not that small. Just certain links, certain people he may talk to, just different women how he associates himself with them, it kind of raises an eyebrow.

Mark Cameron: I don't think it's small at all. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Whenever there's a breach of trust, especially an affair, trust needs to be built back again. So when you say about how do I move forward, well you can only move forward with clarity, honesty, and partnership. Whenever there's a breach of trust like this, there needs to be a period where the other person then gives you a full disclosure of what happened and why they think that that happened and then what their recovery efforts are going to be to dealing with why they acted out in that way and then also helping you feel safe. I know that you kept a lot of this in and you didn't tell people, but have you done any betrayal recovery work?

Alexis: No.

Mark Cameron: Okay, so that's where you need to start because otherwise you are going to notice these triggers and they'll just continue on. If he cheated on you two months before the wedding and then got someone pregnant, that's a pretty big deal and he needs to address that and address the impact of that with you. Now this child that occurred from this relationship, does he have custody? Is there visitation? What is happening?

Alexis: No, he said he wants to keep everything, like he doesn't want anything to do with the situation. I know he does pay daycare fees. I've tried asking him, honestly, it's an innocent child. I don't think I could bear to stomach seeing the child just because for me that's going to be a reminder of what took place. I don't have anything against the child, I don't mind if he goes and does what he's supposed to do, but it's just going to be hurtful to me.

Becky Brown: Alexis, this has blown up your life, hasn't it?

Alexis: A lot.

Becky Brown: Yeah. You were planning to spend the rest of your life with your husband, sharing your dreams together, and two months before the big day, how did you find out?

Alexis: She had messaged me. This was the weekend I had my bridal shower that Saturday. That Monday I got messages and screenshots from her saying that this is his child and she wanted to come forward because she found out about the wedding through a mutual friend of theirs. All of this was just coming through on my phone. I was taking a nap, so when I woke up, this is what I saw. I was just bombarded. Worst nightmare.

Becky Brown: Okay. Alexis, I'm glad you called today. I'm so sorry that you've been holding this for almost three years now. You're going to need somebody to help you walk through this. We've got some incredible counselors in that area. We've helped so many women deal with betrayal trauma because this isn't what you asked for.

And now you've got this unknown. And for your husband to now say, "I want to keep everything separate," well buddy, you probably should have done that two months before the wedding. This is now not the time to be separate. You deserve to know everything. And he needs to get some help with this. I would recommend that he go to Every Man's Battle, July 10 in Washington D.C. so that would be another thing that he needs to do.

There's also the Intimacy in Marriage Intensive that the two of you can attend. And we're doing another webinar, too, on betrayal. I don't know it off the top of my head and I think Alexis is needing some intensive work. She needs a therapist, they need some help along this journey because she's been carrying it alone too long. So many women do that. They just suffer in silence, they accept what he's saying is okay, and it's not okay. There's a better way and we can help.

Mark Cameron: And Alexis, you need to move forward with reality, too, because he can't tuck this away. There's still a lot of minefields left in this because this child is only two years old. How do we know what's going to happen as this child gets into his or her teenage years and if they want to reach out because again they're just an innocent child and they want to know who their father is? Who knows if he's going to want to be more involved? It's unrealistic to think that this will just get tucked away over here and then we'll deal with it because this is a lifelong thing that is going to impact you. So it's going to start with that betrayal recovery work that he needs to do.

Becky Brown: And Mark, there is Every Man's Battle, July 10 in Washington D.C., so that would be another thing that he needs to do.

Brian Perez: Yes. There's also the Intimacy in Marriage Intensive that the two of you can attend and we're doing another webinar, too, on betrayal, aren't we, Becky?

Becky Brown: Yes, but I don't know it off the top of my head and I think Alexis is needing some intensive work. She needs a therapist, they need some help along this journey because she's been carrying it alone too long and so many women do that. They just suffer in silence, they accept what he's saying is okay, and it's not okay. There's a better way and we can help.

Brian Perez: There is no need to suffer in silence. We can help you here at New Life Ministries. You can give us a call here in the studio for another hour, so reach out. 1-800-229-3000. It might be difficult to make that call, but it will be worth it.

Guest (Male): Thank you so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing and we're so glad that you're here.