{i have questions.}

an inspirational entry from someone with questionable faith

Have you ever questioned what faith really is?

I have.

A few years ago I was on my way home from church. Something the preacher said left me feeling unsettled, anxious and questionable as to what I really believed. I tried to think things out but the more I thought, the more I realized how under developed my faith was. What did I believe?

I pulled into my driveway to discover a group of people standing at my door, smiles and Bibles in tow.

We began our conversation about faith, oddly enough. The way they talked about faith sounded pretty - like you could tie a little bow across it and hand it to someone in a perfect package. It was hot and my high heels were killing my feet, so I tried to end the conversation as quickly as I could.

Truth be told, my high heels weren't the only reason I wanted to end the conversation on my porch. I was at a point in my life where I wasn't so convinced I wanted anything to do with anyone's faith. Faith seemed too judgmental, and if I heard one more preacher scream at me about the fire in hell, my eyes might have rolled out of my head. To make matters worse, some of the deepest wounds I had ever experienced came from within the walls of the church. So I thought maybe faith isn't for me.

For the next few months I began to seek faith with a very questionable spirit. I made appointments with ministers, read books, and talked to anyone who would listen to me about the questions I had. One night in particular, I found myself in a spiritual pit, trying to figure out who God was.

Do you want to know what my problem really was?

I didn't know God.

I knew the church, I knew what books said and I knew opinions of others but I really didn't know God.

I began digging in the Word for answers to my questions. Over time, I began to see an incredible picture of who God really is: loving, kind, good and filled with so much grace I almost couldn't stand it. Slowly my perception of God began to change. It was no longer this skewed image of a man sitting on a giant throne casting down judgment through strikes of lighting with his scepter.

Today I am at the point where God's given me a sense of belonging even when I'm rejected by the entire world. He's given me a purpose and an understanding that life is so much more than just about today.

I have come to accept that the questions I have may never get answered in this lifetime. But what I know is that God is good {Psalms 116:5}, He is on my side {Romans 8:31}, and He is who He says He is {Exodus 3:14}. And those promises are more than enough reason for this girl who has at times had...questionable faith.

Resources...

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Check in with Nicki over at She Seeks and leave her a comment here.

Nicki is a simple girl with eclectic taste. She loves friends who make her laugh, a movie that will make her cry and people who challenge her to live outside of the box. She blogs about figuring out faith at:www.nickikoziarz.com

© 2010 by Nicki Koziarz. All rights reserved.

www.SheSeeks.org
A Division of Proverbs 31 Ministries

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